|
Post by lessingham on Aug 7, 2019 15:51:42 GMT -5
It is our wedding anniversary next week and I'm having mixed views. I have booked a meal in a local gastro pub. There will be cards and flowers but no gifts. Chances of sex are about zero. The problem is, it all seems like empty gestures and I am playing a role. I try very hard each year and she just turns up. I know a lot of women brindle at the idea of having to have sex on birthdays, anniversaries and festive dates. But it would be helluva lot better than a kiss and rolling over to sleep.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2019 16:24:45 GMT -5
Baza probably writes the best advice on this but I'll give it a go. A shared sexual life is not part of your marriage. I noticed many years ago that once I stopped hoping that special occasions might involve a little roll in the hay that I enjoyed them more because there was zero expectation and my wife certainly could relax for the same reason. I always preferred when sex when it was spontaneous anyway.
You are right to have angst about the anniversary. That is a time when many of us feel the sting of what's missing. So, create distance and have a nice meal.
|
|
|
Post by deadzone75 on Aug 7, 2019 16:53:44 GMT -5
To follow what tooyoungtobeold said, it really is best to just remove any expectation of sex. I used to get all excited on anniversaries and birthdays, thinking we HAVE to have sex today! Surely she won't have an "upset stomach" this time, not on this special day. It's clear that in our world, there are no special days reserved for intimacy.
|
|
|
Post by flashjohn on Aug 7, 2019 16:56:05 GMT -5
It is our wedding anniversary next week and I'm having mixed views. I have booked a meal in a local gastro pub. There will be cards and flowers but no gifts. Chances of sex are about zero. The problem is, it all seems like empty gestures and I am playing a role. I try very hard each year and she just turns up. I know a lot of women brindle at the idea of having to have sex on birthdays, anniversaries and festive dates. But it would be helluva lot better than a kiss and rolling over to sleep. I know what you mean. My ExRefuser hated it if I EVER expected sex. However, my wonderful new wife wants it as much as me. And she doesn't wait for a special day either. Unless one of us is sick or we are apart, we fuck at least twice a day.
Just wanted to let you know that things can be different.
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Aug 7, 2019 20:20:17 GMT -5
There’s a saying that “Disappointment is caused by expectations.”
There is some substance to the idea that you’ll be happier if you don’t expect (or even hope for) intimacy. She can’t let you down; you won’t be disappointed.
It happens that W and I get along really well when sex is off the table. I’ve come to expect that it won’t happen, and stopped engaging in what I used to think was playful signaling.
It doesn’t help the sexlessness, but I’m a lot less disappointed / frustrated by interacting with her, and that helps us get along better too. The lack of fresh salt in the wound makes it easier to cope.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 7, 2019 20:34:20 GMT -5
Two separate and stand alone issues in play here. #1 - the fact that you are taking your missus out for a feed. #2 - your sex life. The two things, in an ILIASM situation, have no connection with each other. They are entirely separate issues. What you have control over here will be whether you have the bangers and mash at the pub, or the fish and chips. Enjoy the outing for what it is - a feed at the pub. Nothing more than that. As far as your sex life goes, there's been a plethora of suggestions already made to you about the options available to you Brother lessingham . The answer to that issue is not going to come from your missus.
|
|
|
Post by csl on Aug 7, 2019 21:15:59 GMT -5
It is our wedding anniversary next week and I'm having mixed views. I have booked a meal in a local gastro pub. There will be cards and flowers but no gifts. Chances of sex are about zero. The problem is, it all seems like empty gestures and I am playing a role. I try very hard each year and she just turns up. I know a lot of women brindle at the idea of having to have sex on birthdays, anniversaries and festive dates. But it would be helluva lot better than a kiss and rolling over to sleep. "Empty gesture", "playing a role", "just turns up" - serious question. What are you celebrating? You know that sex is not involved, so that doesn't come into play. That isn't on the table, so the question comes down to this: why the "date"? You say you feel you are playing a role, right? The happy, contented husband? Are you happy and contented? If so, then it is not an act. But if not, you are acting out a part. A man I knew on another forum told of his wife making great plans for their 20th anniversay and asked him about renewing their vows in Hawaii. He asked, "What have we got to celebrate?" Yes, WWIII broke out, but his wife could no longer maintain the facade of a happy marriage. If you're comfortable/desirous of maintaining the facade, go ahead. But own your choice.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 7, 2019 23:09:10 GMT -5
Ah yes. Love knowing there is always the nuclear option. Just be ready for the serious fallout. A man I knew on another forum told of his wife making great plans for their 20th anniversay and asked him about renewing their vows in Hawaii. He asked, "What have we got to celebrate?" Yes, WWIII broke out, but his wife could no longer maintain the facade of a happy marriage. If you're comfortable/desirous of maintaining the facade, go ahead. But own your choice.
|
|
|
Post by csl on Aug 8, 2019 8:17:22 GMT -5
Ah yes. Love knowing there is always the nuclear option. Just be ready for the serious fallout. ------------------------ For some reason, ILIASM won't let me post outside of Daddeeo's balloon, but here goes: Yup, you're right. In a couple of posts on my blog, I speak of the Neville Chamberlain approach to marriage, purchasing peace at any cost. I also say that there are two models for marriage: Casper Milqetoast or Patrick Henry. (I'm nothing if not colorful in my metaphors.) Casper Milqetoast always has the last word in his marriage: "Yes, dear."
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Aug 8, 2019 8:52:58 GMT -5
This comes from the luckiest member of ILIASM. My SM didn't last long, just a couple of yrs. Mostly because I have never been one to either run away or procrastinate when it comes to facing a problem. When the intimacy dried up (along with her hormones) I ultimately realized that special days were no longer special if sex was a part of the connotation. So expectations were adjusted downward accordingly. Birthdays, anniversaries mothers day, etc. came and went and I had no resentment or disappointment. It was usually just dinner and a movie or flowers and a card. If it fell on a weekend we might take a daytrip and that was usually fun. But eventually I pretty much disengaged from her and made plans toward figuring out the least traumatic exit. But she decided to leave me instead. Fortunately we parted while still on a friendly basis.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Aug 8, 2019 10:41:43 GMT -5
Lessingham: “I try very hard each year and she just turns up. I know a lot of women brindle at the idea of having to have sex on birthdays, anniversaries and festive dates.”
Why do you bother creating any celebration when she gives nothing back? You have nothing worth celebrating. You are miserable in the marriage. At least if you skipped creating a celebration of something that makes you miserable you’d live your truth. Your wife may complain. So what?
|
|
|
Post by lessingham on Aug 9, 2019 3:11:52 GMT -5
I will tuck in to the meal and still buy the card. As for expectations of sex, well even after 40 years of disappointment and sexlessness, hope springs eternal. Which makes me a milquetoast fool I suppose
|
|
spencer
Junior Member
I welcome chats - just message me
Posts: 50
|
Post by spencer on Aug 11, 2019 15:10:07 GMT -5
Just had our 21st and didn't expect it and didn't get it. Just prefer to not have the disappointment anymore and didn't even try. It was a nice evening evening out with a friend if you get what I mean.
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Aug 11, 2019 15:45:28 GMT -5
I will tuck in to the meal and still buy the card. As for expectations of sex, well even after 40 years of disappointment and sexlessness, hope springs eternal. Which makes me a milquetoast fool I suppose Stop beating yourself up. You obviously still care a great deal for your W. No shame in that. I have been divorced from my refuser now 3 yrs, and I still care about her welfare. Just do yourself a big, big favor. Disengage from the expectation of intimacy and just enjoy spending the time with a friend. Start separating yourself from the relationship one piece at a time. It isn't easy but you are going to have to find a way to start disengaging from her and the other parts of the marriage. If you can't do that you are in for an endless cycle of disappointment.
|
|
|
Post by lessingham on Aug 12, 2019 12:00:06 GMT -5
The card was bought. The flowers given and the meal booked. The biggest lie in the Refusers quiver has been said, "maybe later!" Oh well, a good pub nosh is on the cards. I do love her and I do believe in osmosis, if I desire her hard enough, it will seep into her soul. Gradual seoeration is hard, but maybe one step forwards.
|
|