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Post by Apocrypha on Jul 31, 2019 15:52:55 GMT -5
I'm 28. Been married for 2 years, known H for 4. No kids. .... When trying to talk about it, he usually goes into defence mode. He tells me he doesn't want to talk about it. That it's private and personal. That I need to trust him and that he's working on it. He explained to me that its the stress. I can understand if there's a tough time at work period, but it's been stress for 4 years. And looks like it's not going to change .... And it's not that there is too much to stress over, we're doing well, good jobs, no depts, enjoying life. All is fine. I don't even miss the sex as much as I miss the affection. ... I don't even know what to say to him. Is this an ultimatum? Do I give him a time limit with the therapy (as in- 'let's give it a year and if it works')? I mean I can't wait forever. Do I let him know divorce is on the line? I've had so many talks with him on this, I need this issue be taken seriously. As much as he doesn't like taking about it. I want to believe there is still hope. And I feel like it's practically up to him I have popped out the lines that seemed most telling. My observations, based on these: 1. you have tried to talk to him, and have demonstrated compelling evidence that it's serious and important to you, and he has flat out refused to discuss, for a reason that seems important to him. Regardless of the reason and without characterizing it as fair or not, that says this is no longer a conversation or a negotiation. 2. It sounds like this has always been the case - 4 years -including your pre-married relationship. So this isn't necessarily an aberration or error in expressing how he feels about you. It's the norm. 3. I see you struggling about the "missing the affection more than the sex" thing - consider that he's overriding his natural sex drive to avoid having it with you, and doing so at considerable risk to his lifestyle. It took me a while to arrive at the idea in my own marriage that it was about what the loss of that aspect of my relationship MEANT - as to the significance of the disconnection with me.[/quote]
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Aug 11, 2019 16:56:37 GMT -5
stillhopeful , another pointer... read up on mrslowmaintenance . Her story may give you some hope, though it came about in a pretty rough way. She was fully checked out, I think she’d started with other partners, and her husband found her account here (including private messages) detailing their demise and her extracurricular activities. He got the raw truth with both barrels, and it’s motivated a significant turnaround in him in a way that she could never achieve before. Not a process for the feint of heart, but it seems to be good news. Thanks DryCreek! I did read up mrslowmaintenance's story. I can't express how much this forum is helping. I literally had no one to talk to about this. Its not something I could share with family or friends, honestly mostly because it would embarrass H, and myself. - by the way, have you ever opened up to someone you know about this? It did give me a little hope. I think I'm still there. Not ready to give up on H yet. I do think that a little motivation will help tremendously (as in mrslowmaintenance's story). Hope to come up with the right words for me to say to him, and see him trying to make a real difference. If my past story sounds like your husband (seemingly distracted and unable to see you initiation, possibly thinking depression is there or a lack of interest in previously enjoyable things) you may want to take a little bit to look at his porn use. Through counseling, I have found out the my husband's use of porn contributed more to our situation becoming as serious as it was than I had previously expected. When I went on birth control the first time it was an absolute shit storm ( we married at 18, so I had not been on it before) my mood was doing gigantic leaps at a face pace, I was working two jobs, and planning our wedding. He fell to porn for sexual enjoyment because I made it truly difficult. When my fog cleared a few months later, the porn kind of stayed, then when he was laid off in the recession the porn became his source of getting some form of euphoric release while I was busy. It made him feel better, when he didn't feel good about himself due to our situation. Then it stayed, he is stubborn and didn't want to address what an issue it was. This went on for many more years. Nine and a half actually lol. Now we are one year later. Porn was removed but has been introduced again, because I like porn too and it is not affecting my ability to get sexual release with him. It is just different now. Tldr; dig deep into how much porn he is watching and if he is death gripping his meat too much
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2019 17:50:22 GMT -5
Thanks DryCreek! I did read up mrslowmaintenance's story. I can't express how much this forum is helping. I literally had no one to talk to about this. Its not something I could share with family or friends, honestly mostly because it would embarrass H, and myself. - by the way, have you ever opened up to someone you know about this? It did give me a little hope. I think I'm still there. Not ready to give up on H yet. I do think that a little motivation will help tremendously (as in mrslowmaintenance's story). Hope to come up with the right words for me to say to him, and see him trying to make a real difference. If my past story sounds like your husband (seemingly distracted and unable to see you initiation, possibly thinking depression is there or a lack of interest in previously enjoyable things) you may want to take a little bit to look at his porn use. Through counseling, I have found out the my husband's use of porn contributed more to our situation becoming as serious as it was than I had previously expected. When I went on birth control the first time it was an absolute shit storm ( we married at 18, so I had not been on it before) my mood was doing gigantic leaps at a face pace, I was working two jobs, and planning our wedding. He fell to porn for sexual enjoyment because I made it truly difficult. When my fog cleared a few months later, the porn kind of stayed, then when he was laid off in the recession the porn became his source of getting some form of euphoric release while I was busy. It made him feel better, when he didn't feel good about himself due to our situation. Then it stayed, he is stubborn and didn't want to address what an issue it was. This went on for many more years. Nine and a half actually lol. Now we are one year later. Porn was removed but has been introduced again, because I like porn too and it is not affecting my ability to get sexual release with him. It is just different now. Tldr; dig deep into how much porn he is watching and if he is death gripping his meat too much I regret that I may risk subverting/hijacking the query/concern of the OP by directing my initial comments to you, @mrslomaintenance. You may wish to remain watchful concerning the possibility that you are in a lingering reset. Cause and effect may not be quite as linear as you suggest.
After about 7.5 years of sexlessness followed by separation (my initiative), my spouse was suddenly immersed in a less controllable world. In reaction, she talked herself (and me) into the idea that she was still sexual and that our problems were simply explained and managed. She held it together (i.e., reset) for about another 3 years, after which there was a precipitous decline and a termination. That was about 16 years ago. About 6 years ago, I momentarily forgot the rules and accidentally reached for her hips on my way past. She punched me. Sometimes, you can think that you're taking the boy out of the jungle...
To stillhopeful , I'm the poster child for giving it another chance. Be wary of joining my ranks.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2019 10:56:39 GMT -5
As has been stated many times, look at actions. My W wouldn't take the least action and there was ample evidence, from my why chasing, that birth control meds, thyroid meds and then menopause could have affected her libido. It's not that we had an amazing sex life for years but she didn't ever ask her doctor. Not once and not about one thing.
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endthegame
Junior Member
Posts: 96
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Aug 14, 2019 15:35:09 GMT -5
So, you are soaking up advice from people who are living in or have lived in your situation for many years. It's good advice, lots to digest.
LOTS
So now, breathe... Take stock Read more Don't worry Don't rush Process, in your own time
I was like you, my wife was like your partner. I thought, if I just try this, or that. If I do this, or that. Maybe she is anxious because of x or y.
A sexual Homo Sexual Non Sexual Grey Sexual
These are labels. They are part of chasing the why. If you know the why you can fix it. Fix him.
But you can't. You actually can't do it. That's his bag. 99% of the time they can't fix it. Won't fix it. Really, they WON'T try. It's a common theme.
So, take some time out of angst. Take some time out of chasing the why. Take some time out of examining it all.
Look at actions. ACTIONS. Like 4 years of no intimacy.
Look holistically
I think all of us here begin with chasing the why, then trying to fix, then despair, sorrow, low self worth, depression, epiphany, coping then leaving or much worse, resigning to stay and lowering oneself to their level. To existing, coping, dying inside.
So take your time right now. Think, read, see a shrink FOR YOU.
You are young. No kids. It will be easier to leave now than later.
My advice. Leave. Another 50 years of life COPING is not life.
I did 25. I am significantly happier out. And I tried EVERYTHING! I really did.
Good luck
And Google FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). There are good sites explaining why you are still in this relationship which is in fact not a relationship. This isn't about him, it's about you. At the moment in your mind he holds all the cards, and in fact he does. You can turn this around and hold them yourself. You can take ownership and power over this relationship.
You can work on yourself and regain the you that you truly are.
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Post by Apocrypha on Aug 20, 2019 14:06:57 GMT -5
Consider the best case scenario if you separated and your life thereafter. I can see that you still love him and that maybe this is mutual, or at least an intimate kind of relationship. But, what distinguishes this from that of an amicably separated couple? What's marriage bringing to the table here?
Imagine a single life, and you meet a guy in your dating life who explores his relationship with you in a similar way. How many dates would you have before you decided it's best to be friends, or perhaps risk, simply ending the relationship?
Now, what if that same person asked you to marry him? Would you even go on a second date with him if you were single?
You don't have kids. If you want them, you have 12 years or so - which is enough. If you have them now, it will certainly complicate the impending separation, and he will forever been in your life, long after the resentment has risen beyond your current levels.
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