|
Post by stillhopeful on Jul 28, 2019 15:38:43 GMT -5
Hi everyone. So I started writing at the introduction line, but I would like to ask for some advise as I feel a bit lost at the moment.
I'm 28. Been married for 2 years, known H for 4. No kids. I feel like I'm too young to be in this situation. My friends keep telling me about their amazing sex last night.
This issue has actually been going on from day one. We haven't had sex in over a year now. Not on our wedding night nor our honeymoon. I cried myself to sleep both times. I'm the touchy sticky girlfriend. I can never get enough. I love the attention and the compliments. I love the texts and the romantic gestures. I live for it and I will make a man the happiest person alive for this kind of love.
I just never payed too much attention to it as I was so in love with him while dating. He was the sweetest. A great listener, respecting, kind, generous. Anything you would want in a man. I knew about the unfrequent sex, but always thought that there was so much more to finding a soulmate than sex. Today I understand that great sex and physical affection is the exact border between a husband and a friend.
I have confronted him several times over the years. Tried explaining what sex deprivation causes to a marriage and to a woman. I've cried about this in front of him countless times and I've tried setting a sex date. I've tried initating and have gotten refused more times than I can count.
I never understood what it was. At first (and up until now) I thought he wasn't attracted to me. And then I thought he might be gay. He denied both. And then I found this forum and got exposed to the term 'asexual'. That hit me hard. It's a game changer. It means that this situation can't change.
I see people telling their stories of 20-30-40 years of marriage. Same story, same feelings, same frustration for years. It scared me. I didnt think it could go on for this long to be honest.
I love him so deeply. We have the most amazing connection. Great communication, great humor, good understanding. We support each other and are good listeners to one another. We have amazing plans for the future.
But it seems like now would be the right time to make a drastic move before it gets complicated with kids and all.
When trying to talk about it, he usually goes into defence mode. He tells me he doesn't want to talk about it. That it's private and personal. That I need to trust him and that he's working on it. He explained to me that its the stress. I can understand if there's a tough time at work period, but it's been stress for 4 years. And looks like it's not going to change
And it's not that there is too much to stress over, we're doing well, good jobs, no depts, enjoying life. All is fine.
I don't even miss the sex as much as I miss the affection. I miss the cuddling and the showers together. And the little spanks on the butt while walking around the house naked. And the little kisses every time we meet. I actually never had these things with him, I miss it from my last relationship with my ex-boyfriend. That is not something I would want to hear him say..
I used to playfully force him into giving me some loving, pounce on him and ask him to tell me he loves me, he would usually just say it and shove me off him. I would laugh and joke about it but how long can I keep begging for attention and satisfy over crumbs? It feels pathetic.
we don't even make eye contact these days. I'm broken. And resentful. And thirsty. And actually pretty good looking. Strangers hitting on me all day and my own husband won't touch me. If anyone ever knew this was the case, they would be in shock. We look like the perfect couple. So in love. He always makes sure to hold my hand around others. No one would ever think.
Our last conversation about this topic was around 5 months ago. He told me he understands what I'm going through. He went to a doc to see if it's anything medical. Doc says its stress and that its perfectly normal. I don't think H told him for how long this has been going on, and if doc would still think that it's normal after that piece of info. I'm depressed. And I'm starting to understand that there are basically two options.
1) Therapy. Any kind. To let go of his stress. Yoga, massages, swimming, a shrink, meditation. Whatever it takes. And I take the risk in staying for longer and hope for a change. 2) I stay for longer and we find out it's not stress and that he is in fact asexual, and I ask for a divorce.
I am petrified. I've been reading your posts for the past 3 days and haven't been able to get a single word out of my mouth. It won't be easy sticking around. Every day is painful. Every day is a heartbreak. I sleep away from him intentionally, so I don't get offended when I see him in bed wide awake and on his phone, while not even considering initiating any physical contact. I would rather not spend the weekends with him for the same reasons. I see so many opportunities for some fun physical action and he passes over them like it doesn't even cross his mind. I can't bear it. And can't bear a whole life like this.
I know I need to have this talk with him and let him know where I stand in this relationship. And what needs to be done. He is a pessimist so I feel like I should be careful with my words. He's going through a rough patch at the moment at work, I know that. But I'm running out if patience.
I don't even know what to say to him. Is this an ultimatum? Do I give him a time limit with the therapy (as in- 'let's give it a year and if it works')? I mean I can't wait forever. Do I let him know divorce is on the line? I've had so many talks with him on this, I need this issue be taken seriously. As much as he doesn't like taking about it. I want to believe there is still hope. And I feel like it's practically up to him
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Jul 28, 2019 16:13:18 GMT -5
stillhopeful, you’re right that it is up to him - this isn’t a change that you can force. You can barely even encourage it; he has to find his own motivation. That said, the outcome is not up to him - you own your destiny and your response to his behavior. Ultimatums are a bad idea in my opinion. At best, he will comply with being the person you want, but if it’s a “hysterical bonding” reaction and not genuine change then all you’ve done is shift the unpleasant “this is not who I am” role onto him. That won’t have longevity. I recall worksforme2 had this happen, and one day much later she decided she couldn’t sustain it. The challenge seems to be how to hit them with a 2x4 so they realize how damned serious this is without making them react in fear of the consequences. I can only suggest a strategy of being firm that “the current level of intimacy is not acceptable”. For your part, you need to be open to thinking a bit differently. H may be your best friend, an important part of your life, but he is not your only option. If he won’t be your lover then he can’t effectively fill the role of “husband” for you. Personally, I would recommend therapy for yourself. Not to try and accept this situation (been there, done that, it’s a bad idea) but to find peace with standing up for what you need. This is the point in life when you need to take a firm stand - you’re pouring the foundation for the rest of your life. Whatever you do, don’t resign yourself. The anxiety you feel, the damaged self esteem, the pining for what you know intimacy could be... those don’t diminish over time. They grind on you. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can just turn off that part of who you are. One way or another you need to resolve this issue. You might take a read of the posts by choosinghappy. I recall her husband was pretty much asexual from the beginning.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jul 28, 2019 17:38:43 GMT -5
Consider this Sister stillhopeful . If you weren't with this bloke, then as a 28 year old heterosexual woman, the chances are that you would be with some other bloke. And this other bloke may well be bringing the whole package to the table. Based on what you have written about your situation, if you are looking for the whole package including a robust sex life, that is not going to happen whilst you are with your husband. But that fact raises more questions than it answers. This is probably going to come down to just how important this is to you. Important enough to free yourself up and be in a position where you are available, to the right bloke .... .... or not. The choice is yours. And your choice really needs to be based on what is in your longer term best interests. This may require some very difficult and challenging choices short term. What your spouse may choose to do - if anything - about his assorted issues HE needs to generate. His issues are just that, HIS. You can't do that for him. Welcome to the zoo stillhopeful .
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Jul 28, 2019 18:50:13 GMT -5
stillhopeful you are not without some tools in your belt. You mentioned that you don't think your H is full on honest with the Dr. regarding how long this "stress" has effected his libido. What is to prevent you from informing his Dr. that this sexless condition has been going on for the duration of the marriage? Seems to me his Dr. would want to know something as relevant as this. I believe you may be on to something concerning asexuality. If intimacy has been an issue from day 1 he may well be intimacy averse. That's not the same as being asexual, but the results for you are pretty much the same. If he was basically non sexual prior to the marriage it is unlikely he will change. After the talks did anything change? Was he more sexual or inclined to more intimacy for a period of time or was it business as usual the next day? Often after a talk there will be a short period of increased intimacy, but it doesn't last long. "We don't even make eye contact" is very telling. Even strangers usually make eye contact as a part of conversation and body language. It sounds like he is not really engaging with you as a partner in the relationship. His unwillingness to talk about the issue along with being defensive is also very telling. Men are problem fixers. If he is unwilling to face and fix his problem it isn't going to get fixed. Like DryCreek I am not a fan of ultimatums, unless you are serious and are prepared to carry out the threat. If you are just firing off rounds for effect then you will be losing your credibility when future discussions occur. There are basically 3 responses to a SM. Stay, Leave or Cheat. Stay and cheat is really a subheading under stay. If stay for now is your decision I would agree with DryCreek, individual counselling may be of help for you in regaining your sense of self worth and dealing with the resentment building up the longer things remain in status quo. Therapy for him? Do you think he would go? Clearly he needs some mechanism to help him deal with stress, if that's really the problem. You are young. You have years of life ahead of you. Years that can be productive and filled with life's joys. Don't piss them away.
|
|
|
Post by deadzone75 on Jul 28, 2019 18:52:44 GMT -5
Stillhopeful, your H is either lying about talking to a doctor, or that doctor shouldn't be practicing if he actually told him no interest in sex is perfectly normal. Especially since you say there is very little to be stressed about right now.
|
|
|
Post by michael on Jul 28, 2019 22:54:27 GMT -5
If you were married to my wife she would tell you that you are the one with the problem. That you have an obsession. So sometimes they really don’t see it as their problem. Either that or it’s easier for them to just lie. It would be hard for me to give advice to you. That would mean I would know what to do about my own situation. I sure wish I had married someone like you though. It sounds like it would be a dream world. It might even get to the point where I took sex for granted. Like it was always there. OMG, I think I’ll go cry for you and me.
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Jul 29, 2019 1:42:39 GMT -5
stillhopeful, another pointer... read up on mrslowmaintenance. Her story may give you some hope, though it came about in a pretty rough way. She was fully checked out, I think she’d started with other partners, and her husband found her account here (including private messages) detailing their demise and her extracurricular activities. He got the raw truth with both barrels, and it’s motivated a significant turnaround in him in a way that she could never achieve before. Not a process for the feint of heart, but it seems to be good news.
|
|
|
Post by stillhopeful on Jul 29, 2019 1:54:54 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for your insights. Im pretty new to this idea, even though Ive been dealing with it for a while now. It had never had a title or a term. So this needs some getting used to. This isnt an easy situation, and its starting to look like a lose-lose. Either I stay and suck it up, or end my marriage. Divorce has always been the "D word". Never an option for me. I believe in ever after, so this is a lot to take in. But Im actually starting to see the liberation in it. Owning my happiness. Taking control of my destiny as DryCreek said. Im still somewhat in-between- Understanding that this marriage might be over, and - Staying hopeful. maybe this can change. Maybe it is the stress? isnt that possible? H actually told me a few times that he was actually the sexual type (this is the main reason i cant be convinced when he tells me he is attracted to me). Maybe he just needs some professional consultation? I understand that 4 years of sexless partnership is not normal (really, I do), but if it really is the stress - Isnt it something that can be fixed? with the right tools and some patience from my side, maybe we can turn him back into the sexual man he claims he used to be. Or maybe Im still in some sort of denial. not too sure. And michael, I laughed for a second and then cried a bit, reading your post. thanks for sharing. I hope this thread helps you as much as its helping me.
|
|
|
Post by stillhopeful on Jul 29, 2019 3:51:37 GMT -5
stillhopeful , another pointer... read up on mrslowmaintenance . Her story may give you some hope, though it came about in a pretty rough way. She was fully checked out, I think she’d started with other partners, and her husband found her account here (including private messages) detailing their demise and her extracurricular activities. He got the raw truth with both barrels, and it’s motivated a significant turnaround in him in a way that she could never achieve before. Not a process for the feint of heart, but it seems to be good news. Thanks DryCreek! I did read up mrslowmaintenance's story. I can't express how much this forum is helping. I literally had no one to talk to about this. Its not something I could share with family or friends, honestly mostly because it would embarrass H, and myself. - by the way, have you ever opened up to someone you know about this? It did give me a little hope. I think I'm still there. Not ready to give up on H yet. I do think that a little motivation will help tremendously (as in mrslowmaintenance's story). Hope to come up with the right words for me to say to him, and see him trying to make a real difference.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jul 29, 2019 5:49:43 GMT -5
I've no wish to be the harbinger of doom Sister stillhopeful but the odds are not with you. Of the membership here of 1,490 there are about 8 (to be on the generous side) cases where ILIASM deals have been sustainably "turned around" That's like 00.54 % or 1 in 186 Some names for you .... timeforliving2 . jamesbonding . mrslowmaintenance . These are some examples for you to have a look at. Examples of turnaround are pretty rare. Examples of resolving the problem by divorce are quite significant. Examples where the ILIASM deal continues are quite common.
|
|
timedelay
Full Member
Posts: 153
Age Range: 46-50
|
Post by timedelay on Jul 29, 2019 6:02:18 GMT -5
If you were married to my wife she would tell you that you are the one with the problem. That you have an obsession. So sometimes they really don’t see it as their problem. Either that or it’s easier for them to just lie. It would be hard for me to give advice to you. That would mean I would know what to do about my own situation. I sure wish I had married someone like you though. It sounds like it would be a dream world. It might even get to the point where I took sex for granted. Like it was always there. OMG, I think I’ll go cry for you and me. Och Michael, that made me cry too. I spend most of my 'free' time crying over either my own marriage or someones else's when I come on here or read stuff over on the asexuality site. We are all torturing ourselves! I wonder if there's a condition that describes people who are incapable of calling quits on something that is making them miserable. stillhopeful I need to tell you that I am nearly 30 years into my 'deal'. I'm 48 and have been with my H since we were kids. I cried on my wedding night and honeymoon too. He was always 'stressed' and in his head I do believe he believed that he could change. If only the conditions were just right..My husband is only now accepting he is on the asexual spectrum (he is 47). My story does not have to be your story in 20 years time. I'm so sorry but from what you have said, things are not going to change, no matter how much you want that OR how much your husband wants that. He is just as scared as you right now, of facing the truth. Possibly even more afraid than you because if he loses you he knows you WILL find a full life with someone else. In our case, we are working on a solution together now, at long last. I could've done without the years of loneliness and deprivation though. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you still. I hope you can figure out what is best for you and move forward to achieve that, sooner rather than later.
|
|
|
Post by stillhopeful on Jul 29, 2019 6:41:25 GMT -5
He was always 'stressed' and in his head I do believe he believed that he could change. If only the conditions were just right..My husband is only now accepting he is on the asexual spectrum (he is 47). My story does not have to be your story in 20 years time. I'm so sorry but from what you have said, things are not going to change, no matter how much you want that OR how much your husband wants that. He is just as scared as you right now, of facing the truth. Possibly even more afraid than you because if he loses you he knows you WILL find a full life with someone else. In our case, we are working on a solution together now, at long last. I could've done without the years of loneliness and deprivation though. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you still. I hope you can figure out what is best for you and move forward to achieve that, sooner rather than later. timedelay hi. "If only the conditions were just right" my exact thoughts, every time he pulls the "stress" card out. thank you for sharing your story with me. I feel like there is so much in common. H, just like your husband, also thinks he can change. He really believes it. And youre 100% right, he is scared to face the truth. And it kills me because I wanted to believe that if he would face the truth- we would be able to work things out. The idea that 'nothing will change' is starting to sink in and it hurts like hell.
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Jul 29, 2019 8:19:06 GMT -5
You can't make the other person change, they have to want to change. You have no kids, and he's already violated his vows, so the dirt is in his hands.
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Jul 29, 2019 10:47:41 GMT -5
stillhopeful, I think in a lot of cases they haven’t done the introspection to realize their true behavior. Society tells them that they’re supposed to be sexual, but they aren’t. And they don’t really miss it, so they don’t investigate. Instead, they chalk it up to something circumstantial, or they blame us for not setting the right mood. And ultimately, if they’re savvy, they realize the truth but refuse to acknowledge it because they know the consequences. I’ve spent 3 decades clinging to my idea of a healthy intimate relationship, based on the one I had before W. Convinced that W would enjoy intimacy if I could just draw her out of her shell and show her that it could be amazing. Constantly questioning how I was so deficient that I failed to inspire her. Always feeling like it was just out of reach; endlessly hoping after each experience that maybe the *next* time she’d enjoy it. At some point, we have to acknowledge that they really are the person they’re showing us, not the person we imagine they could become. Don’t dig your hole get too deep before you do.
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Jul 29, 2019 11:47:06 GMT -5
Welcome. DryCreek mentioned my name and I agree that you may benefit from reading my string of posts. It sounds like our Hs (now Ex in my case) are very similar. It’s a bitter pill to swallow but once you can really face the truth, it can be liberating as you said. My ex’s excuses were always stress- or chronic pain-related. Whether consciously or not, he used my good nature against me as he knew I wouldn’t force the issue much since he was “already hurting”. I let it go on for 6 years, although looking back, I knew there were issues even before we married. But I opted to look at the positives! And it felt like there were a lot of positives! But then I started talking to friends. And then some family. And then I joined here and I realized, no. There is nothing normal about having no sex, no intimacy, no affection in a marriage. It was killing me inside day by day. We went the counseling route: counseling for him, for us, and for me as well. But nothing ever came of it. And one day it dawned on me: even if he could be successful enough in counseling to bring himself to a point where he’d be WILLING to be intimate with me, he’d never actually WANT to. And that was my breaking point. That’s not good enough for me. Especially when I’m still so young and I knew what good sex and a good connection could be like! I couldn’t resign myself to the next 50 years living a half-life like that. I left one year ago and am so much happier. When still in my marriage I knew I was mentally, emotionally, and physically in a rough place but I didn’t truly realize JUST what a negative effect it had on my psyche. Everything just feels lighter now. I’ve started over (and YES I agree to making this decision NOW, before children come into the mix because that makes it so much harder!!) and I am now in a wonderful, caring, affectionate, intimate relationship with a man who truly makes me feel loved and desired and happy and sexy and life is so much better. I know the situation you are in is hard and I hear that you’re not ready to give up on the marriage right now. But I do want you to know there’s also hope on the “other side” if that’s the route you decide to take. And in my case, that hope is REAL, as opposed to the “hope” I was clinging to a couple years ago, that he could change; That he’d want to, and that he’d be capable of it. He didn’t and he wasn’t. And I am grateful now that I know that and that I didn’t waste any more of my precious life. As for him saying that he is a sexual person: he never has been with you. He’s not going to “change back” into something he never was. It makes me think of the quote: “What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you are saying.” Trust his actions not his words. ((Hugs))
|
|