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Post by deadzone75 on Jul 25, 2019 13:53:46 GMT -5
Well deadzone75, the writing was on the wall for us even before the engagement, yet still I ignored the warning bells. My excuse is that I wanted to start and family and felt time was running out. Having had a few long term boyfriends fizzle out I didn't want to let this one slip through my fingers. I guess I got what I wanted, a family, just not the long term partner I had hoped for. You were obviously just working on blind faith and hope I was worried about time running out as well, which is ridiculous since I was only 24 at the time. But I was coming off a terrible blindsided break-up with a girl I was madly in love with. I think the resulting rebound I was on was the sole reason why I looked the other way when the sex went south, and just relied on blind faith that it would improve down the road.
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cobweb
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by cobweb on Jul 26, 2019 5:09:18 GMT -5
I have lost all hope of the situation changing
As bad as it sounds, I think this statement represents the first step of the only real solution for us. Our refusers feed us BS that keeps the hope alive for years, but one day we just have to face the music that our refusers predictably refuse to face — It’s over. You're dead right there. It is only the fact that I have finally accepted that nothing is going to change that has led me to look for support here. Now I have to work through if there is enough in the marriage to stay for. But the loss of hope has definitely been a turning point.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 26, 2019 7:37:23 GMT -5
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, Im going to pitch in here with what has worked for me. Admittedly it has taken me a long time to get here. 3 or 4 years or so.
First came acceptance, then letting go of resentment. But what has helped me the most is changing the narrative.
Stop being a victim. Stop framing the story as what "they" did or didnt do. Stop moping about the relationship.
Start thinking about you. Start thinking about what you did or didnt do for yourself this past month. The past 12 months. My thinking is we get so caught up in victimhood, or framing ourselves in the wrong context that we lose sight of ourselves.
Do something nice for you. Do something that you enjoy doing. Do something to make yourself happy. Why depend on someone else for validation and happiness. Thats selling yourself short not to mention a huge burden to place on someone.
Forget about sex for awhile. Put that energy into something else. For me its the gym. Lifting to the point of exhaustion. Bent over, panting, drenched in sweat. Find something to put your energy into with abandon.
And while you are at it, start to sort your shit out. Get the finances in order. Start that savings plan. Get a part time job if you need it. Get fit. Nothing like exercise to clear the mind. Crank up the social life. Talk to 10 strangers a day. Where are they from? What do they do? Etc. Fix your car. Clean your garage, attic etc. Plant that garden. Bake that cake. Start that project. Take your kid hiking/canoeing/biking/camping. Call "that" friend or relative. Fill your fucking calendar because you have things to do and shit to sort out.
There is no need to make a decision now about the relationship. Do that when your head is clear. But first you have to get there. Ask yourself if you are worth it. The answer should be "HELL YEAH". We must love ourselves first so others can love us.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 26, 2019 8:39:01 GMT -5
What the Great Contender said!
Without the advice from this group (which I found after my divorce) I did what he suggested. I blossomed into the kind of person I’d always admired. As I did, my husband became superfluous to my life and without angst, I divorced him. Whether or not you choose to divorce, you can only benefit by letting go of a victim mentality and then investing your attention and love into being the you who makes you happy.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 26, 2019 13:35:15 GMT -5
Sage advice this... Regardless of the outcome, work hard to be the best you! Whether or not you choose to divorce, you can only benefit by letting go of a victim mentality and then investing your attention and love into being the you who makes you happy.
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Post by fredackerman on Jul 27, 2019 7:36:11 GMT -5
You're not alone. She "held back" under religious/moral/conventional-rules cover. Should have seen it coming but we shared religions and I "subscribed" to the idea, the little-me was OK with sin.........LOL My marriage time, measured in decades, makes your 20 years look short so I can assure you this won't get better, (sorry). A FWB might help but that could go sideways if not well thought out in advance. You do have my deepest sympathy but i do believe that you, like me, find much in him to be in love with despite hormonal differences. An anemic conscience is so helpful in some of these matters - work on that........
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 27, 2019 7:45:07 GMT -5
cobweb you might be interested in reading my string of stories. Same situation with my Ex- sexual abuse as a child. We are now divorced and life is much better.
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cobweb
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by cobweb on Jul 28, 2019 14:07:59 GMT -5
cobweb you might be interested in reading my string of stories. Same situation with my Ex- sexual abuse as a child. We are now divorced and life is much better. Thank you choosinghappy, I will go back and read over your stories. No doubt a few things to learn from you experiences.
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cobweb
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by cobweb on Jul 28, 2019 14:17:41 GMT -5
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, Im going to pitch in here with what has worked for me. Admittedly it has taken me a long time to get here. 3 or 4 years or so. First came acceptance, then letting go of resentment. But what has helped me the most is changing the narrative. Stop being a victim. Stop framing the story as what "they" did or didnt do. Stop moping about the relationship. Start thinking about you. Start thinking about what you did or didnt do for yourself this past month. The past 12 months. My thinking is we get so caught up in victimhood, or framing ourselves in the wrong context that we lose sight of ourselves. Do something nice for you. Do something that you enjoy doing. Do something to make yourself happy. Why depend on someone else for validation and happiness. Thats selling yourself short not to mention a huge burden to place on someone. Forget about sex for awhile. Put that energy into something else. For me its the gym. Lifting to the point of exhaustion. Bent over, panting, drenched in sweat. Find something to put your energy into with abandon. And while you are at it, start to sort your shit out. Get the finances in order. Start that savings plan. Get a part time job if you need it. Get fit. Nothing like exercise to clear the mind. Crank up the social life. Talk to 10 strangers a day. Where are they from? What do they do? Etc. Fix your car. Clean your garage, attic etc. Plant that garden. Bake that cake. Start that project. Take your kid hiking/canoeing/biking/camping. Call "that" friend or relative. Fill your fucking calendar because you have things to do and shit to sort out. There is no need to make a decision now about the relationship. Do that when your head is clear. But first you have to get there. Ask yourself if you are worth it. The answer should be "HEALL YEAH". We must love ourselves first so others can love us. Thank you for this advice. I am sure it is something you have said many times but new to me and good to hear it. I am working on all those things - took up running and gym a year ago and now have a personal trainer and am fitter than ever. For the first time in years I put me first and my time out is sacred. I also walk the dog, for hours, across the countryside, with and without friends, often via a coffee stop. I love the outdoors and it makes even the bleakest days seem fine. I haven't quite go round to full on gardening but planted a 'wild meadow' this year and have more pots of blooms than I can water each day. So yes I am 'getting my shit together' and have stopped looking to my husband for happiness. Sometimes I forget and find myself looking hopefully in his direction but then I remember that that is just not going to happen and I go and find something nice to do. If the week looks empty, I start texting madly to ensure I have things to make me smile throughout the week. I like the idea that we will just painlessly drift apart, completely superfluous to each other as time goes by. I can quite see that happening. Thank you.
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Post by Apocrypha on Aug 1, 2019 13:11:07 GMT -5
I have met and dated several women who found themselves in celibate relationships, deliberately seeking those partners out.
At a youthful age, they were attractive enough to receive what they regarded as a surplus of attention, and when they discovered a friend who presented a challenge, they either over-inflated his worth, or they interpreted his disinterest in sex as being evidence of higher love.
Fast forward a decade, and disinterest had amplified into active aversion.
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Post by Apocrypha on Aug 1, 2019 13:16:33 GMT -5
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, Im going to pitch in here with what has worked for me. Admittedly it has taken me a long time to get here. 3 or 4 years or so. First came acceptance, then letting go of resentment. But what has helped me the most is changing the narrative. Stop being a victim. Stop framing the story as what "they" did or didnt do. Stop moping about the relationship. Start thinking about you. Start thinking about what you did or didnt do for yourself this past month. The past 12 months. My thinking is we get so caught up in victimhood, or framing ourselves in the wrong context that we lose sight of ourselves. Do something nice for you. Do something that you enjoy doing. Do something to make yourself happy. Why depend on someone else for validation and happiness. Thats selling yourself short not to mention a huge burden to place on someone. Forget about sex for awhile. Put that energy into something else. For me its the gym. Lifting to the point of exhaustion. Bent over, panting, drenched in sweat. Find something to put your energy into with abandon. And while you are at it, start to sort your shit out. Get the finances in order. Start that savings plan. Get a part time job if you need it. Get fit. Nothing like exercise to clear the mind. Crank up the social life. Talk to 10 strangers a day. Where are they from? What do they do? Etc. Fix your car. Clean your garage, attic etc. Plant that garden. Bake that cake. Start that project. Take your kid hiking/canoeing/biking/camping. Call "that" friend or relative. Fill your fucking calendar because you have things to do and shit to sort out. There is no need to make a decision now about the relationship. Do that when your head is clear. But first you have to get there. Ask yourself if you are worth it. The answer should be "HEALL YEAH". We must love ourselves first so others can love us. Agreed on all this self improvement and getting back to being an interesting person in your own right. All of this is helpful in positioning you for the future and improving your sense of self. In addition to filling your bucket like that, it's helpful to withdraw your bookmark. As in, quit reserving space in your life and holding dinner for someone who doesn't want it. Quit sleeping with each other, if bedtime has come to a point of frustration and anxiety. Disappointment springs from hope. On the other hand, once you've primed the charge and have found yourself irrespective of your non-partner in all this, it can be helpful to consider what marriage is actually bringing to the table (as opposed to an amicable or non-amicable ex-partner), and maybe finally pull the pin.
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Post by mirrororchid on Aug 24, 2022 21:09:23 GMT -5
...if the opportunity would arise he couldn't blame me if I took it. He pretty much agreed that that would be reasonable! I have my eyes open but live in a small town, won't touch a married man and don't want to do anything that would cause gossip that may harm my children.... My worry is that I will struggle not to fall in love with the first man who shows me affection. Sex is one thing but our marriage is starved of a whole lot more than that and I am sure I could be easily confused.... Now that you've updated us on another thread, I took a tour through your path. I had the opposite approach. Dating a single woman could plant ideas of replacing my wife in my head. A single woman might well want that idea there. I deliberately sought married lovers. They might well be in my (our) same state. Why not solve the same problem twice? Let the singles find each other and be healthily sexy together. When two married people date, and either gets ideas about leaving their spouse, it'll mean two roadblocks have to fall down, not just one. Perhaps you want to stay married enough to sabotage hopes of a second husband. Perhaps you'll end up furious with yourself that you picked a terrific guy who wants to stay married and you don't. Is there appeal in dating a single man who you can opt to leave your marriage for? Plenty of women here at ILIASM have made it clear that if they have a new lover, they mean to be everything to that new man and he needs to be everything for her as well. They want the entire package. Does that sound like you? In a small town, I'd wager any extramarital affair would cause gossip. Which kind hurts the kids, you'd know better than I. It may well be two married people could hide in plain sight as good friends far more easily than the married woman and the committed bachelor. One advantage I didn't end up needing was that my prospect, Kathy, being a polyamorous married woman, wasn't going to get "taken". If my wife had notions of romancing me long enough to allow the interested "other woman" to find somebody else, that was a non-starter. Kathy was already "taken" and would stay "available" for as long as it took. Sure, she could find someone else. That doesn't mean she isn't up for two boyfriends. I'll probably end up bringing this up on the new thread. You said you'd be discussing outsourcing next.
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Post by steve1968 on Aug 25, 2022 9:13:12 GMT -5
For my marriage, I remember quite vividly my friends giving me a hard time because my wife and I hadn't "done it" after maybe 5-6 dates. I felt she was different, in a good way, than anyone else (and still feel that way). It's generally the woman's lead for sex initiation, at least for me. All I felt I I could do was "set the stage" and hope for the best.
Sex was great once we started (prior to and into the marriage), then lessened to once per month after maybe 10-12 years. Like many here, I'd kill for once a month.
I still remember the night, maybe 3 weeks after I'd moved in, when she looked at me in bed and said - can we just read tonight? LOL - I thought "what the heck?".
I know quite a few women who "settled" because of the biological clock. Some worked out, some didn't.
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cobweb
Junior Member
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Age Range: 51-55
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Post by cobweb on Aug 28, 2022 5:13:56 GMT -5
...if the opportunity would arise he couldn't blame me if I took it. He pretty much agreed that that would be reasonable! I have my eyes open but live in a small town, won't touch a married man and don't want to do anything that would cause gossip that may harm my children.... My worry is that I will struggle not to fall in love with the first man who shows me affection. Sex is one thing but our marriage is starved of a whole lot more than that and I am sure I could be easily confused.... I had the opposite approach. Dating a single woman could plant ideas of replacing my wife in my head. A single woman might well want that idea there. I deliberately sought married lovers. They might well be in my (our) same state. Why not solve the same problem twice?
It has been interesting to see what I wrote back in 2019 and I can honestly say that even with lockdown I continued to seek my own happiness and not look to my husband for that. But it still doesn't get rid of the itch!
Part of the reason I came back to the site the other day was that I had an chance meeting with a guy I have known from around here for years and who I periodically bump into. He is divorced and has always been very flirty, not just with me and probably the reason why he is divorced! He was charming and paid me attention and made it clear he liked what he saw, just as he has done in the past. He even made a joke of a 'private viewing'. He probably says things like that all the time but I came away feeling very hot and bothered, wondering if I could somehow take him up on the offer. It also made me remember that I had promised myself three years ago that I wouldn't accept being celibate for the rest of my life but the years have slipped by (blame covid) and I have not done anything to actively try and find someone to help me scratch that itch.
It is a very valid thought that you suggest finding another married man. I hadn't considered that. I have always looked very poorly on women who break up marriages. It is hard enough to keep a marriage together forever without someone offering up the chance to squeeze a bit of new and therefore, exciting, fresh flesh, to tip it over the edge. I didn't / don't want to be that woman. Don't all men who want to play away come out with the line 'oh my wife doesn't understand me and we never have sex any more'? Such a cliche. And although it it is maybe the case that they don't have sex (clearly there are lot of you out there/on this forum) how would I know if he was just feeding me the tried and trusted line whilst his wife is thinking that their Saturday night sex routine of 28years is mutually satisfying? I would feel so bad to be that woman.
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cobweb
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Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by cobweb on Aug 28, 2022 5:31:36 GMT -5
For my marriage, I remember quite vividly my friends giving me a hard time because my wife and I hadn't "done it" after maybe 5-6 dates. I felt she was different, in a good way, than anyone else (and still feel that way). It's generally the woman's lead for sex initiation, at least for me. All I felt I I could do was "set the stage" and hope for the best. Sex was great once we started (prior to and into the marriage), then lessened to once per month after maybe 10-12 years. Like many here, I'd kill for once a month. I still remember the night, maybe 3 weeks after I'd moved in, when she looked at me in bed and said - can we just read tonight? LOL - I thought "what the heck?". I know quite a few women who "settled" because of the biological clock. Some worked out, some didn't.
Yes I definitely I also thought I would be able to manage the situation! The sex was great when it happened which was at least once a week in the early stages. I was sure I could improve on that with. But by the time we got engaged I was beginning to have my doubts, but 30th birthday was looming and I desperately wanted to start a family. I told myself it would be fine.
I had had a healthy variety of short and long-term boyfriends in my teens and 20's and had never had any issues on the bedroom front. I genuinely didn't think this could happen to me, a sexually confident, loving and warm young woman. I was able to talk in an upfront way. Surely we would just address the problem if it became one and all would be fine. Such optimism. I was very very niave indeed.
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