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Post by workingonit on Aug 15, 2019 5:52:55 GMT -5
Dear JMX, your post said you have had enough you swore a lot, So did you it or do only come here to vent? This is not aimed at you i just feel we vent here and go back without saying a word. I am not sure what you are basing that on. Have you read around here? There are many different ways of handling an SM and they are all represented. But lets say you are right and many people use this as an outlet to vent. Not unlike a support group. Not unlike therapy. Venting and getting sympathy as well as advice are excellent coping tools. If someone chooses for whatever reason to stay that does not suddenly make it easy. It also does not mean you forego all support! This is not a site for those that leave. This is not a site for those who stay. This is a site for anyone who at any point dealt with the particular difficulty of the sexless marriage. Out of it, in it, whatever. We are here to hear each other.
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Post by Apocrypha on Aug 20, 2019 11:43:42 GMT -5
I started getting dressed to go to the bank to figure it out - and before you know it - he was gone. He KNEW I was compromised too. I called him. He answered. He did not realize I wanted to come with him. I joined him later. HA! I had several stories like this as well. I wonder if anyone else does. I'd pointed out a few times that it felt like I was married to a single woman. Near peak misery, though "trying hard", we had a date night. We took a bus ride to see our show, and on the crowded bus she somehow spotted a seat somewhere up front, wriggled through a crowd and got to it. We could have traveled together, and it was so STRANGE to see her sitting up front for the 30 minute ride, even after most of the people filed out. I ended up sitting down where I was near the back, with lots of room, and no way to sit near her. We got off at our stop on date night, as if we were total strangers. Another time, she asked me to attend an important work reception with her, and then did the same thing, hopping on a subway car before I could get to it. And then leaving me on the plaftform. We were not late, and we had been walking together. Both times, she attacked me when I raised it - saying I was overreacting and looking for a fight. Projection, I think. This was pretty close to the time I pulled the plug - like, within weeks. As I recall when I was working through the problem in real time, I compared that "married behavior" against what I would tolerate from someone on a first or second date. THAT perspective quickly snapped me into the mindset that allowed me to verbalize that this behavior and whatever feeling must be driving it (and the obvious lack of honesty and ownership of it) was far, far below the minimum threshold of how I envisioned a marriage. If that happened on a date with someone new, I would likely get off at a different stop prior to the destination and call it a night.
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Post by JMX on Aug 23, 2019 22:05:40 GMT -5
I do feel like acid has been poured on me daily. Saturday. I had a weekend off. Of course. We had to go on the boat. I feel like it’s obligatory on my off days... I said - hold on! Let me check mine. I did and I had also been compromised. Separate accounts, same truck stop 2 hours away. He KNEW I was compromised too. Pardon my ignorance, or lack of understanding. Did you find out that he was using your credit card, 2 hrs. away, to fuel his boat? As far as the obligatory weekends... I know this all to well. Especially not being able to combat the " for the children" line. I can imagine your H would not go shoe, purse, clothes shopping with you and your daughters for a weekend? Double standards? Good point - although I loathe shopping. Need to figure out what I enjoy. Honestly, I just like talking about big subjects and the “why”? I get turned on by new ideas and exciting conversations unchartered territory. For an extrovert, I like being at home - I am worn out by people by the time I get in my car to drive home. No. Both of our separate accounts got compromised and someone spent almost $300 on each. We both got scammed.
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Post by JMX on Aug 23, 2019 22:07:31 GMT -5
Dear JMX, your post said you have had enough you swore a lot, So did you it or do only come here to vent? This is not aimed at you i just feel we vent here and go back without saying a word. I vent a lot. But it is helpful. I find myself closer and close with each vent
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Post by JMX on Aug 23, 2019 22:08:55 GMT -5
Dear JMX, your post said you have had enough you swore a lot, So did you it or do only come here to vent? This is not aimed at you i just feel we vent here and go back without saying a word. I am not sure what you are basing that on. Have you read around here? There are many different ways of handling an SM and they are all represented. But lets say you are right and many people use this as an outlet to vent. Not unlike a support group. Not unlike therapy. Venting and getting sympathy as well as advice are excellent coping tools. If someone chooses for whatever reason to stay that does not suddenly make it easy. It also does not mean you forego all support! This is not a site for those that leave. This is not a site for those who stay. This is a site for anyone who at any point dealt with the particular difficulty of the sexless marriage. Out of it, in it, whatever. We are here to hear each other. Great response. Thank you for putting into words what I could not.
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Post by JMX on Aug 23, 2019 22:23:45 GMT -5
I started getting dressed to go to the bank to figure it out - and before you know it - he was gone. He KNEW I was compromised too. I called him. He answered. He did not realize I wanted to come with him. I joined him later. HA! I had several stories like this as well. I wonder if anyone else does. I'd pointed out a few times that it felt like I was married to a single woman. Near peak misery, though "trying hard", we had a date night. We took a bus ride to see our show, and on the crowded bus she somehow spotted a seat somewhere up front, wriggled through a crowd and got to it. We could have traveled together, and it was so STRANGE to see her sitting up front for the 30 minute ride, even after most of the people filed out. I ended up sitting down where I was near the back, with lots of room, and no way to sit near her. We got off at our stop on date night, as if we were total strangers. Another time, she asked me to attend an important work reception with her, and then did the same thing, hopping on a subway car before I could get to it. And then leaving me on the plaftform. We were not late, and we had been walking together. Both times, she attacked me when I raised it - saying I was overreacting and looking for a fight. Projection, I think. This was pretty close to the time I pulled the plug - like, within weeks. As I recall when I was working through the problem in real time, I compared that "married behavior" against what I would tolerate from someone on a first or second date. THAT perspective quickly snapped me into the mindset that allowed me to verbalize that this behavior and whatever feeling must be driving it (and the obvious lack of honesty and ownership of it) was far, far below the minimum threshold of how I envisioned a marriage. If that happened on a date with someone new, I would likely get off at a different stop prior to the destination and call it a night. Thank you. Interesting. I am not trying to kick up any animosity but I will explain it like so... In my town, we have many eastern Indians. They comprise a fabric of my community that is rich and diverse considering I live in Alabama. Engineers and scientists. They were the predominant minority population in my neighborhood and in my school. On afternoon walks - you would always see the men walking in front of the women. Like, 20 steps ahead, but never more than that. Never less. I am NOT a radical feminist - however, I remember at a young age, it always bothered me whenever I saw it. Fast forward to my marriage: Disney or any theme park / I am always walking behind. Buffet: I fell (I am klutzy) and he never noticed because he was walking ahead of me. Countless examples of this. It makes me mad/. I told him - I am not your Indian wife! I am not sure he understands it. But I feel it. Even if he walked ahead, he should at least glance over his shoulder to make sure I am okay. He never does.
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Post by elkclan2 on Aug 24, 2019 1:14:02 GMT -5
My ex always walked ahead of me. Would cross the road without me. Not just once or twice, but consistently. Would do it even while I was heavily pregnant. I'm not a fast walker, I know this. My partner now is a fast walker. But I rarely get left behind. This past weekend I got left behind. He works in a field science and he met up with a former colleague who was helping him walk through a field trip and she zoomed ahead and he kept up with her and it was rough terrain and I have a dodgy ankle so though I could have gone faster I didn't feel confident doing so. But he was always checking on me.
On the other hand, I'm owning my own issues. I'm getting physio and trying to get fitter to make sure that I can do better at keeping up in certain situations.
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Post by Handy on Aug 24, 2019 1:25:22 GMT -5
Me walking ahead of my W is a constant. She moves so slow, much slower than anyone I know. If I walk at half of my regular pace, she is still way behind me, so I stop and let her catch up. Similar events at home are no different, I have to wait for her. Arriving at home, I can get out of the car, walk 25 ft to the mail box and walk 40 ft to the front door and get there before my W.
I don't have any interpersonal distance problems when I walk with anyone else.
I know women don't like the H walking ahead of them but I do not see any solutions for my situation other than a major compromise on my part. She also has too many demands and too many complaints if we do go some places together. Most of the time I would rather go places without her, it is a lot easier and more enjoyable.
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 24, 2019 7:15:15 GMT -5
I started getting dressed to go to the bank to figure it out - and before you know it - he was gone. He KNEW I was compromised too. I called him. He answered. He did not realize I wanted to come with him. I joined him later. HA! I had several stories like this as well. I wonder if anyone else does. I'd pointed out a few times that it felt like I was married to a single woman. I can think of one right away. We had taken a trip to our nations capital for 4 days. We did a fantastic amount of walking. On the 4th day I was somewhat worn down and near mid day I suggested we stop for something to drink and a snack. She wanted to keep going. I was really dehydrated so I said I need to get something to drink and sit for a few minutes. She got angry and walked on to view more memorials. I stopped for a drink. !5 -20m minutes later she had not returned so I though she was possible waiting for me. Turns out I came across her an hour or so later as she was going on with what was planned previously. I just happened to see her. When I rejoined her she acted as if nothing had occurred. It was considerable food for thought in the days following the trip.
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Post by JMX on Aug 24, 2019 22:49:29 GMT -5
My ex always walked ahead of me. Would cross the road without me. Not just once or twice, but consistently. Would do it even while I was heavily pregnant. I'm not a fast walker, I know this. My partner now is a fast walker. But I rarely get left behind. This past weekend I got left behind. He works in a field science and he met up with a former colleague who was helping him walk through a field trip and she zoomed ahead and he kept up with her and it was rough terrain and I have a dodgy ankle so though I could have gone faster I didn't feel confident doing so. But he was always checking on me. On the other hand, I'm owning my own issues. I'm getting physio and trying to get fitter to make sure that I can do better at keeping up in certain situations. What’s funny, except for when I fall, I walk very fast and others cannot keep up with me. I find this fact wildly entertaining considering my situation and grievances. I have no medical or physical issues. Although, I will admit I sometimes walk zig zag because I tend to walk towards things that interest me if I don’t have a purpose for walking- which I am sure is kind of annoying. 🤣
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Wow.
Aug 25, 2019 2:51:35 GMT -5
via mobile
JMX likes this
Post by orangepeel on Aug 25, 2019 2:51:35 GMT -5
This walking thing is definitely a thing. My wife will walk either too slowly or too fast when we’re together, with a perfectly calibrated lack of synchronicity. It’s as if we’re geographically present but emotionally distant - which applies equally perfectly to sex: they’re geographically in the bedroom without being present.
Fucking hell: we can’t even walk down the road together! The no-shagging isn’t an event (or a non-event!): it’s a permanent state which always seeks to manifest itself.
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Post by elynne on Aug 25, 2019 23:04:02 GMT -5
I have almost no income and found a way to leave. If you want out, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find excuses. I left a husband earning 300k a year but the relationship was abusive. I had to beg for grocery money. Explain when I bought gas. He could buy $2,000 watches, $700 coats and I’d go 6 months between haircuts. My point, it may be feast or famine with your income, but if you are in complete control you can budget and save for a rainy day. If you keep your finances tied to the financially irresponsible spouse you’ll still hit that rainy day but with bad credit and no savings. It’s your life. These are your choices. But don’t fool yourself. You’re better offer swallowing the bitter pill, and planning appropriately for your financial future with or without your spouse. Protect yourself. He’s going to screw you. He already has. lol. I think I am misunderstood here. I have kept our finances separate even though I filter money to his account. I get it. But I am not dumb. Hmm... WE make really good money now. I REALLY make good money without him too. I make the lion share. I realize by putting it out there, that it seemed... bragadocious. If you could understand the depravity before (mostly on EP), you might understand I was just proud of myself for turning it around. Either way - This is not why I stay. It is just as hard WITH money as WITHOUT. Which, honestly, is a testament to all stories here. Right or wrong, I believe I have some flawed, forgiving spirit. I am not sure I even know what my line is - what is untenable? Does it make me co-dependent? Maybe? 🤷♀️ My therapist constantly redirects my whining to ME. The dynamic is “two-to-tango”. Okay, I can buy that. She also is very complimentary to me in that I have self-awareness that is refreshing. I even got a good ole’ pat on the back (just today!) for how I handled the children finding out about my EAP sexting nightmare when I told her about it? I kind of credit this community to all of that - I have grown so much here. But, yet, I linger. I don’t fucking know!!! What do I KNOW? I don’t hate my husband. I find him more unattractive as the years have progressed. I am tired. Other people are also tired. I am not currently dying of cancer. I would love to have a connection in my marriage that we could just look at each other from across a room - and just “know” what the other is thinking. The above may, in fact, be a fairy tale. I also don’t have the above. My husband loves gifts and is not deep. My husband bores me to shreds. His boring me is my issue. He is not a “bad guy”. Even when I pop off here, he is not totally without merit. My kids, although probably prepared, might be heartbroken if I end things, and they may also be broken if I never do. I am curvy and cute and look amazing in navy blue I have to be okay being alone to leave. I think I am, but not quite sure. “It is just as hard WITH money as WITHOUT. Which, honestly, is a testament to all stories here.” JMX, the first time I read this post this bothered me. At 4am, I was lying awake with jet lag and happened to read it again. It still bothers me. I disagree with you wholeheartedly. Leaving is hard. Leaving is really hard. It takes being able to admit the stark reality of your individual situation. It takes acknowledging your own role in the shithole that your marriage evolved into. It takes healing your own crap so you can move forward and move on as a healthier and happier person. You have to stare down your darkest fears and overcome them. None of this is easy. It takes enormous courage. It’s hard for everyone. Each story here is unique. Every individual here has their own personal demons they face. But saying it’s just as hard with money is it is without is absolute crap. It’s an insensitive and entitled comment. It’s hard for everyone. Add to that financial worries, no credit, not knowing if you’re going to be able to feed your children, not being able to find a place to live... Don’t tell me it’s just as hard with money. That really pisses me the fuck off.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 26, 2019 4:31:41 GMT -5
I agree, elynne, that it is easier with money than without. I have enough that I can live modestly but comfortably. Years ago, we were connected through church to a women's shelter. These were women with minor children that were given a place to stay and support while they got back on their feet. It is possible to get out with nothing, if you are lucky enough to get accepted in, but, everything sucks. You are living in sparse conditions with someone elses rules, eating whatever they cook for that meal. Money does indeed create its own worries, but I would rather worry about what to do with my money than what I would do without it.
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Post by baza on Aug 26, 2019 19:50:33 GMT -5
I think there are two aspects of getting out of an ILIASM deal. #1 - is the emotional component #2 - is the logistical component I reckon that the emotional part of the split up doesn't alter much from member to member. It doesn't vary a real lot, and is a shit no matter who you are. But the logistical part of the split is way more variable. In some cases it is pretty straight forward but in other cases is a complete can of worms and adds enormously to the difficulty. Examples .... Sisters choosinghappy and ballofconfusion . Both these esteemed members had to deal with the emotional aspects of their collapsing ILIASM shitholes, and I'd suggest that they both found that very challenging indeed. However (by my read of these members stories) the logistics of the respective split ups were quite different. One was - relatively - straight forward, and the other was (and is) proving to be very difficult. If you are "lucky" in these situations, you have to deal the awful emotional aspects of splitting up, but hopefully a pretty straight forward logistical situation. If you are "unlucky" in these situations, you have to deal with the awful emotional aspects of splitting up PLUS a pretty convoluted and difficult set of logistical problems AS WELL. Personally, I think the emotional aspects of splitting up are pretty similar for anyone going down that path. But the logistical aspects can vary .... a lot.
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Post by JMX on Aug 27, 2019 23:08:56 GMT -5
lol. I think I am misunderstood here. I have kept our finances separate even though I filter money to his account. I get it. But I am not dumb. Hmm... WE make really good money now. I REALLY make good money without him too. I make the lion share. I realize by putting it out there, that it seemed... bragadocious. If you could understand the depravity before (mostly on EP), you might understand I was just proud of myself for turning it around. Either way - This is not why I stay. It is just as hard WITH money as WITHOUT. Which, honestly, is a testament to all stories here. Right or wrong, I believe I have some flawed, forgiving spirit. I am not sure I even know what my line is - what is untenable? Does it make me co-dependent? Maybe? 🤷♀️ My therapist constantly redirects my whining to ME. The dynamic is “two-to-tango”. Okay, I can buy that. She also is very complimentary to me in that I have self-awareness that is refreshing. I even got a good ole’ pat on the back (just today!) for how I handled the children finding out about my EAP sexting nightmare when I told her about it? I kind of credit this community to all of that - I have grown so much here. But, yet, I linger. I don’t fucking know!!! What do I KNOW? I don’t hate my husband. I find him more unattractive as the years have progressed. I am tired. Other people are also tired. I am not currently dying of cancer. I would love to have a connection in my marriage that we could just look at each other from across a room - and just “know” what the other is thinking. The above may, in fact, be a fairy tale. I also don’t have the above. My husband loves gifts and is not deep. My husband bores me to shreds. His boring me is my issue. He is not a “bad guy”. Even when I pop off here, he is not totally without merit. My kids, although probably prepared, might be heartbroken if I end things, and they may also be broken if I never do. I am curvy and cute and look amazing in navy blue I have to be okay being alone to leave. I think I am, but not quite sure. “It is just as hard WITH money as WITHOUT. Which, honestly, is a testament to all stories here.” JMX, the first time I read this post this bothered me. At 4am, I was lying awake with jet lag and happened to read it again. It still bothers me. I disagree with you wholeheartedly. Leaving is hard. Leaving is really hard. It takes being able to admit the stark reality of your individual situation. It takes acknowledging your own role in the shithole that your marriage evolved into. It takes healing your own crap so you can move forward and move on as a healthier and happier person. You have to stare down your darkest fears and overcome them. None of this is easy. It takes enormous courage. It’s hard for everyone. Each story here is unique. Every individual here has their own personal demons they face. But saying it’s just as hard with money is it is without is absolute crap. It’s an insensitive and entitled comment. It’s hard for everyone. Add to that financial worries, no credit, not knowing if you’re going to be able to feed your children, not being able to find a place to live... Don’t tell me it’s just as hard with money. That really pisses me the fuck off. Again, I understand what you are saying but you have not known my story since it’s birth on EP. And had you known and felt the same - my story is not yours. I didn’t (and don’t) have the exact same issues/circumstances you did. None of us do. When I first decided to get divorced, I had a lien on my fucking house and we had a three month stretch when we only had $1000 to spend on a mortgage (more than that), power, food and various “we have to live” bills. And other things we had to let slide. From your back story, I cannot believe that you can even understand that pressure in the slightest. Skipping a beat, enjoying life for just a bit, not crying every night has been a sincere blessing! I hope you are never there. It really was the worst. Did it change my relationship? No. But it changed my belief in myself. I know what I am capable of by myself. My penance for staying? I will have to pay HIM to get out. And I got us out mostly by myself. Forgive me for taking a fucking breath and still finding out it was filled with black mold that crept up on me and fucked me up again. Nothing I do gets me the love I crave and deserve in my marriage. Which is your story in a different way as well. So, politely, fuck off.
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