cobweb
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Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by cobweb on Jul 23, 2019 12:51:15 GMT -5
A first post for me.....
Having been lurking a while I am amazed how many of you seem able to accept sex when it is offered by your partner! I feel ashamed and embarassed that my husband of 20yrs has never really wanted to have sex with me. If he offered intimacy now, even hand holding, I would freeze. I don't feel I could open myself up to the disappointment of it being a one off. I also don't allow him to see me naked as I feel I must repulse him as why else would a guy not want to bonk his wife silly? Logically I know I am slim, fit and not bad looking for a middle aged mother but it doesn't make me feel any more confident in my ability to attract him sexually.
Do you forgive your partners for their lack of sexual interest and just take whatever you can get? I think I am too bitter and would like to be able to forgive him otherwise there really is no hope for us.
But forgiveness is a very big ask isn't it.......?
How do you do that?
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 23, 2019 13:17:08 GMT -5
cobweb, it depends on how bad things are / how desperate you are / how many times you’ve been burned by trying. Abstractly, if the prospect of pleasure (or hope) outweighs the emotional pain (due to lack of participation, the subsequent dry spell, another self esteem hit, etc.), then you’ll tend to give it a go. It’s a gamble, but eventually experience will guide you. Deal breakers tend to be if they’ve done too thorough a job of making you see them non-sexually - you might not be able to perform if you wanted to. Or if they’ve snuffed the desire out of you. It’s a pretty messed up thing when you finally get what you’ve been chasing only to discover that you don’t / can’t - that’ll quench your interest for the next time, for sure.
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timedelay
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Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Jul 23, 2019 13:37:56 GMT -5
Welcome cobweb and I know what you mean. My H and I have been talking lately (really talking) and he asked if I wanted what I've heard called 'compromise sex'. He didn't offer it; was just checking I think. I don't. Knowing he has been possibly repulsed all these years makes me feel ill. He says he wasn't, that he just didn't have the desire for sex with me. So many years of rejection make it hard to believe. I hate that feeling of being filled with dread and shame and having to leave my bedroom to get dressed if he's in it. Being refused intimacy for so long takes a huge toll on your self esteem. I think this is one of the worst side effects of a SM. Clear communication is the only way to address all these feelings you have. Can you talk to him? Or write to him? Do you think your H is likely to offer 'something'?
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sunnysean
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Age Range: 41-45
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Post by sunnysean on Jul 23, 2019 13:41:11 GMT -5
I am trying to figure these things out myself. This has been the first year in 20+ years that I have turned down an offer of sex. The exact offer was "We haven't done it in a while you want to do it? No is okay." I think it was that last part, "No is okay." that was the main reason I turned it down. I just simplified said "I'm not in the mood" and we moved on. She had an odd look on her face then she seemed in a great mood.
"I must repulse him as why else would a guy not want to bonk his wife silly?"
Logic doesn't seem to be a factor in this stuff, or if it is, I don't understand it. If you are like me, I over-analyze everything my spouse says, her body language, etc. I always assume its something wrong with me, sounds like you are doing the same.
"Do you forgive your partners for their lack of sexual interest and just take whatever you can get?"
I do. I love her, I find her sexy as hell, and we are the best match outside the bedroom. For me that's the tough part. People talk about fixing the other things first then work on the bedroom. It's really the bedroom.
I forgive her because I don't think I have adequately addressed the situation on my end. I've made it clear that I need it more, but I don't know if I have made it clear how much it hurts. Recently I have getting up and sleeping in another room a few nights a week. We go to bed together, but I leave after she falls asleep. I do this to make it easier to get my mind off the topic at hand. She is so darn sexy. The idea of me being there next to her and thinking about sex is often too much to handle. She will ask me, "You had problems sleeping?" I just say yes...but I am too chicken or whatever to tell her the whole story. So that is my bad. I need to do better.
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Post by workingonit on Jul 23, 2019 13:56:23 GMT -5
cobweb welcome! Here is the thing, what you aee calling forgiveness is at least 2 parts. One part is for you. Forgiving him and accepting who he is frees you of resentment and frees you to forgive yourself. It also frees you to make choices not based on anger. This is a goal and should be something you are working toward. It is an ENTIRELY different story to forgive and open yourself to hope again. That way seems unwise given what you have shared. Unless you see significant change in him it is very unlikely he has suddenly fixed his sexual issues spontaneously. Now you can take as much touching as you would like with part one of forgiveness. In that scenario you KNOW it is not sexual and you are able to accept affection for exactly what it is. If you are launched on a mental loop of "will we...." "does he want me..." etc than the touching is likely not healthy.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 23, 2019 16:06:15 GMT -5
cobweb, some good comments there. I’ll add that, at least for my context, there isn’t an element of “forgiveness” needed for being “wronged”. Rather, am I willing to look past the volumes of negative evidence and pretend this time could be a positive experience that I want to share. My wife is very intimacy-averse, yet she patently refuses to admit it. At the same time, she also won’t claim that she likes or wants intimacy. Her behavior reads squarely as “I really don’t like this, but I can’t admit it because there will be repercussions.” All the evidence says to me that she’s somewhere between indifferent and repulsed by intimacy with me, but she’ll push through it reluctantly because she believes it’s a necessary evil. That’s an experience I’m better off without. So, even if she acts interested, experience says otherwise. I can try and fool myself into believing her sincerity even though I know better, and for the bulk of 3 decades, I chose to participate anyway in hopes that she might one day come around and open up to me. I’m slow to admit defeat, but now I’m tired of reopening the wound and I’d rather leave things as they are. It’s a bit like Charlie Brown and Lucy with the football. If he doesn’t have faith and try, he’s assured to never kick the ball. But trying requires ignoring all the history that, despite promises to the contrary, Lucy will pull the ball away as she’s always done. So, rather than forgiveness, it’s more a question of whether you can suspend your disbelief one more time.
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Post by baza on Jul 23, 2019 21:05:37 GMT -5
Twenty years of an ILIASM deal certainly extracts a price Sister cobweb . And that price is often seething resentment on your part. And resentment is about the most toxic thing you can have. Back in the day of my ILIASM deal, I tried manfully to achieve a state of serenity about my situation. To "accept without resentment". I failed, and failed completely, in this endevour. I could "accept" what had happened, but I was as resentful as all fuck about it, and try as I might I just could not get past that despite counselling and assorted other methods I tried. Each little rejection would have all the other past rejections flooding back in to my thinking making any move to "accept without resentment" a non event. Beyond my capabilities. The resentment killed my deal stone dead, but it staggered on a few more years before imploding. So I think Sister cobweb , that the primary difficulty confronting you is going to be your accrued resentment level. If you can "accept without resentment" you never know what might happen. But don't underestimate just how difficult a task "accepting without resentment" is.
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Post by Handy on Jul 23, 2019 21:14:42 GMT -5
Cobweb, there are lots of SM's where one partner doesn't want to risk the chance of anything sexual or intimate because they have gone too long without or been turned down too many times.
On another forum the question was asked "Would you have sex with your partner today if it was offered" Most replies were no because of past hurts and rejections. Not dressing around your spouse, is also common.
Most of us want a willing partner and don't want to impose on a spouse so we keep the resentments inside until they become toxic and being a counter-refuser is often the outcome.
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cobweb
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Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by cobweb on Jul 24, 2019 2:26:16 GMT -5
Thank you so much for the feedback. It is so good (and sad) that others are in the same boat - sorry! The few friends I have told of my sexless marriage just don't get why I dress in the bathroom / can't even hold hands or why I don't just initiate sex myself. Clearly you guys/girls get all of that which is a relief.
I can see though that some, like sunnysean, are getting so much other things from the marriage, that it may be easier to sex if offered, although you are obviously in great pain about the situation and I'm sorry you can't speak to her about it.
Thanks for your honesty baza re 'accepting without resentment'. I can hold a grudge like no-one else so this is a big problem for me.....I also sort of don't see why I should forgive. My husband knew what he was like pre-marriage over 20yrs ago and I feel cheated. I know if I can't get passed this then we are going nowhere.
timedelay - we sound in a similar situation. I sometimes think my husband would like to offer something up on the sexual front but I am so closed off from that possible hurt I couldn't even consider it. To be honest I find the thought of having sex with him quite repulsive. Like having sex with a child or something. He is such a non-sexual being to me now it would be seem entirely wrong.
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timedelay
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Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Jul 24, 2019 17:36:06 GMT -5
He is such a non-sexual being to me now it would be seem entirely wrong. I have been trying to view my husband like this. I think it took me so long to accept his asexuality because he is handsome and virile looking. I have one friend who to this day still asks me when she returns to visit this area "so how's that sexy man of yours?". I often have thought how much easier it would be if I could find him unattractive! I know that doesn't mean it'd be any less painful though.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 24, 2019 18:16:51 GMT -5
When I realized I was in a classic SM we were being intimate roughly 4 times a yr. I think I described my W's approach was something akin to a quarterly dividend payout. It was almost that regular. The funny thing was when she initiated quarterly she was seemingly into it with passionate kissing and a lot of vocal signs she was enjoying the sex. I always included a lot of oral pleasure for her and she generally did the same for me. But I just couldn't get by on 4 times a yr. and she just couldn't seem to engage more then that. It was nerve racking because she is very attractive, even into her late 60's. I finally accepted that it wasn't because she was a bad person who had engaged in bait and switch, she had simply lost almost all desire for intimacy. And since she would not agree to me having a FWB or some other means of having sex with another woman there was really no place for us to go but to divorce court.
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cobweb
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Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by cobweb on Jul 25, 2019 3:28:00 GMT -5
He is such a non-sexual being to me now it would be seem entirely wrong. I have been trying to view my husband like this. I think it took me so long to accept his asexuality because he is handsome and virile looking. I have one friend who to this day still asks me when she returns to visit this area "so how's that sexy man of yours?". I often have thought how much easier it would be if I could find him unattractive! I know that doesn't mean it'd be any less painful though. Yes my husband is also pretty fit and my friends comment on how lucky I am that he still looks good at 50yrs+. It has made it harder to switch off my reaction to his sexuality but now I better understand all the issues that have led us to this situation I can only see him as another child in the house. He needs me in the way my children do. I have now stopped the unhealthy mothering of him, as that had become the pattern of our relationship, and we have nothing left. He is a lost soul and a drain on my emotional resources. Nothing sexual about that!
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timedelay
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Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Jul 25, 2019 4:25:07 GMT -5
Recently I have getting up and sleeping in another room a few nights a week. We go to bed together, but I leave after she falls asleep. I do this to make it easier to get my mind off the topic at hand. She is so darn sexy. The idea of me being there next to her and thinking about sex is often too much to handle. She will ask me, "You had problems sleeping?" I just say yes...but I am too chicken or whatever to tell her the whole story. So that is my bad. I need to do better. Yes, you really do! If your relationship is generally good perhaps you stand a better chance than many of having an honest conversation. I have learned that my H struggles so badly with face to face discussion I initiated our recent talks via phone message. This allowed me to speak very frankly about my own feelings and simultaneously allowed him time to process what I said and take time to consider a response. It helped us begin talking without heightened emotion. Telling your W what you are going through might not change your reality but keeping it all inside will only make things worse for you.
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Post by flashjohn on Jul 29, 2019 13:54:23 GMT -5
A first post for me.....
Having been lurking a while I am amazed how many of you seem able to accept sex when it is offered by your partner! I feel ashamed and embarassed that my husband of 20yrs has never really wanted to have sex with me. If he offered intimacy now, even hand holding, I would freeze. I don't feel I could open myself up to the disappointment of it being a one off. I also don't allow him to see me naked as I feel I must repulse him as why else would a guy not want to bonk his wife silly? Logically I know I am slim, fit and not bad looking for a middle aged mother but it doesn't make me feel any more confident in my ability to attract him sexually.
Do you forgive your partners for their lack of sexual interest and just take whatever you can get? I think I am too bitter and would like to be able to forgive him otherwise there really is no hope for us.
But forgiveness is a very big ask isn't it.......?
How do you do that?
Before My ExRefuser cut me off completely, I did not find her attractive at all. On the occasions when we did have sex, I had to think of someone else to have an orgasm. Usually it was Heather Locklear, LOL.
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Post by h on Jul 29, 2019 15:15:00 GMT -5
I take what's offered to me but the difference is that I no longer expect to receive anything from her. I don't initiate anymore. I don't hold onto hope that things will turn around. I expect nothing from her at all and so anything she offers is extra. I'm not happy about it. I don't like our situation. But giving up on the expectations has allowed me to let go of most of my resentment. The last bits of resentment won't go away until after we eventually get divorced, but less is still better.
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