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Post by isthisit on Jul 22, 2019 10:59:19 GMT -5
Thank you timedelay for your detailed and heartfelt story. I hope it was cathartic. I could hear your pain and frustration through your words. I am no expert at all, but reading your description of your H’s traits and behaviours I wondered if you had considered an element of ASD such as Asperger’s. The asexuality, difficulty expressing emotion, detachment, focus on projects and findings talking about emotions and relationships impossible would all fit. There is also an inherited element and Asperger’s is more common in males than females so the similarities of his brothers could also be indicative. This may be worth some thought, but as I said I am no expert. However, labels change nothing about your experiences to date and the options available to you today. My advice would be to try to invest in yourself as much as possible in terms of time, priority and possibly counselling. You and your happiness should be your primary concern, I for one was far too slow in recognising and accepting that fact. You will receive good and hard won guidance and advice here, involving legal representation, securing a support network and guiding your children which are all seemingly great things to do. I wish you well and look forward to hearing more of your journey when you feel able to share more.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2019 11:13:16 GMT -5
Some of what you're describing is very similar to my W in that she remains distant from things that are personal. She can hash out the details of life, plan the logistics of the most complicated thing, put together a 72 step plan to get together with our college-age kids, etc. But if it's about her in any meaningful way, it's very difficult. My W also gets noticeably anxious when, in the past, a situation seemed like it might be the first step on a ladder to sexual intimacy. She'll only kiss me when I leave, not when it could lead to anything else. She seemed relieved when I moved into another bedroom about two years ago. Etc.
I have had various phases that if I just found the right "why", the right puzzle piece, that everything would improve. I'm 52 now and chased these things for over 20 years. It never changed a thing. There were ebbs and flows, good times and bad, but nothing approaching what I thought would be right (or even a reasonably compromise) in my mind. I felt so high-maintenance about it for so long that my pride eventually won out and I stopped wanting to be in that position.
Welcome.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 23, 2019 17:00:00 GMT -5
This!!!!! So much this. Its all Ive been focussed on these past few months. that somehow I lost sight of myself along the way. I'm working on finding myself again.
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Post by baza on Jul 23, 2019 20:42:58 GMT -5
It all reads like your spouse was raised in a highly dysfunctional environment Sister timedelay . And that he and his siblings absorbed the dysfunctional environment as normal and took their own cues from that and carried these attitudes into their own adult lives .... and their own adult relationships .... thus carrying the dysfunctionality on to the next generation. Nothing much you can do about that baggage your spouse is carrying. Now you are at your generation. You mention his sexual aversion to you. You mention his less than ideal relationships with his kids. The problem may potentially continue on to the next generation .... your kids. If they are exposed to the husbandly example he has been setting in regard to marital and parental issues, the risk may be that when the kids start looking for life partners they'll pick someone similar. And thus visit this situation into the next (3rd) generation. At some point, someone needs to call a halt to it. And perhaps it is you who is to be called upon to make the horrendously difficult choices this would involve. Awful situation you are in Sister timedelay . I feel for you.
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