Life is a Journey & Other Stories
Jul 22, 2019 9:54:47 GMT -5
DryCreek, worksforme2, and 3 more like this
Post by timedelay on Jul 22, 2019 9:54:47 GMT -5
I'm taking a leaf out of other's books here and starting my own thread where I can track my own story as it unfolds because I have no idea where it will go. I cannot see my future. I think this sense of uncertainty is also something many here will 'get'. It keeps us all in a paralyzed limbo that at times feels impossible to escape.
I found ILIASM on the 30th of June and spent the first week reading. The second week I ventured as far as commenting on some threads and continuing to read, a lot. So many stories similar to my own. It's the feelings though; the emotions and the intense pain expressed by so many through the years here that felt the most familiar. Cold comfort in finding a group of people who truly 'get it'. During the third week I grew very despondent and due to real life demands took a lot of breaks from the reading. I was struggling to come to terms with the reality of my situation.
Some Context
IRL during the last three weeks my husband and I have been having the most difficult extended conversation of our lives. I have referred to the wisdom and experience on iliasm and used metaphors galore to try getting us to meet on the same page. We had begun this very prolonged, multi phased and challenging 'talk' a few days before I searched online for some kind of group I might find support in. I asked my H how he'd feel about me doing that. I know, what was I thinking, right? I told him the loneliness and isolation were killing me and asked would he mind if I searched for some kind of group who would understand. I should've looked outside my marriage for a support network years ago but it never occurred to me. I did read a lot and watched TED talks and listened to all sorts of advice on how to make my relationship better, how to improve myself, how to parent better etc etc. I didn't grasp that all my efforts over the years have been aimed at fixing MYSELF alone, as if I existed in a vacuum, until I found iliasm that is. As if my marriage would miraculously improve if I improved somehow.
One version of my story so far:
Met my husband when we were only 18 (him) and 19(me) during our first year at the same university. I had taken a year out and lived in a different country before taking up my place; hence the year age difference. We got on really well from the start, very similar upbringings and ambitions. His family were austerely religious and had done a lot of damage to my H and his siblings. None of them have grown into what could be considered 'healthy' adults. My H actually seems the most balanced of the lot but the bar is very very low! Sexually, there was always something 'off' but he put it down to his upbringing and I was so young and inexperienced myself I just did not recognise what were so many red flags. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Depressing too. Nearly 30 years later and through many ups and downs we somehow have remained 'friends' and are raising three pretty amazing children. Persuading him to get me pregnant was a whole saga in itself. His hang ups around sex did not go away with marriage, which he had convinced us both would happen. I would've loved more kids. My H rejected me so completely at the first sign of morning sickness that I focused most of my energy on nurturing my children for the next 15 yrs or so. I know it seems shocking that people stay in a SM for so many years but the thing is, life didn't stop just because my husband refused to have a full sex life with me. Yes, it hurt like hell but I am very adept at getting on with things, with 'making do'. I started businesses, managed property and projects and kept very very busy. I realise now that I found solace in the closeness I had with my children as babies; I continue to love the affection they show me. They have kept me from shriveling up all these years; hugs are a life saver. H is also a hard worker and adept at keeping busy/avoiding his unhappy marriage and so we just kept going. Until I couldn't any longer. I hit a wall 4yrs ago and fell apart. Told him I needed out. I wasn't prepared for the sense of relief at letting go. Letting go of the burden my failing marriage had become. I allowed myself to let go of the heavy responsibility I'd assumed for our combined happiness. For one amazing week I began to remember who I was. H was devastated. There were tears and gnashing of teeth and many promises to "make things right". I agreed to stay.
I bought more books. He didn't read any of them. I suggested counselling. He didn't go. He did try to engage sexually for a short time and in quite limited ways. He continued to hide from his own feelings and I continued to know something was 'off'. Circumstances gave us an 'out' and we lived apart for over three years with him staying over maybe one night a week. While we lived apart he became more affectionate; hugs, snuggling on the sofa watching tv, hand holding. Our living arrangements meant there was no privacy for anything more. He relaxed. Our relationship improved greatly and I got my hopes up! We only moved back in together a few months ago and it didn't take long for the affection to cease and the old rejection pain to return.
Why Chasing
Meanwhile, our children got older and one says she is 'queer'; her own choice of label. My suspicions about her dad's sexuality influenced my approach with my kids and I have always encouraged them to accept themselves for who they are. There is a 'no shame' policy in my home. So this daughter has been talking about how she doesn't fit the norm amongst her peers, since she hit puberty. She said she needed to explore her sexual orientation and wants to attend a nearby lgbtq+ centre. One day while I'm there waiting I start looking through leaflets. I had no idea there are so many sexual orientations these days! The dots begin to join up. My H's discomfort with physical touch, with deep kissing, with penetrative intercourse. His apparent preference for masturbation. The intimacy issues a number of his siblings (and parents) have displayed over the nearly thirty years I've known them. Two sisters in law confiding their husband's "low libido" was causing problems. One stayed, one walked. I didn't tell them I was in a SM or had suspected for years their husbands were gay too. I'm 48. We didn't have any words other than straight and gay in my world for most of my life! This is Catholic Ireland. Repression has been endemic for generations. We're a work in progress.
So, I opened 'the talk' with the observation he seemed to be regretting us moving back in with him and my fear that we had not done anything to change our marriage since the crisis four years ago. I asked my H to please read some links I wanted to share with him. I asked him if he'd ever considered he might be asexual. He didn't know what that meant but agreed to read about it on the AVEN website. I told him how much I loved him but that his lack of initiative suggested he did not return a similar kind of love. He finds it incredibly hard to speak out loud when the topic is emotional. It took a couple of days of me pushing him to open up and making it very clear that this time I was not going to give up trying. I told him that we have been through too much together to not trust each other with the truth now. No matter how much it hurts I will only accept absolute honesty from him. Boy does the truth HURT. He says he has not been in love with me for many many years; he won't say exactly when he was aware of not being in love with me because he's not sure he is capable of feeling that way for anyone and he kept trying to "make things right". He uses that expression a lot. He said that while he is not 'in love', the love he feels for me is very strong and "does that not count for something"? He insists he would do anything for me and the kids but he is yet to be drawn on describing what he wants for his own future. He says he does identify with a lot on the asexuality website.
The talking has been exhausting. We have to take regular breaks, of a few days at a time, but have agreed that this is a process that we have to stick with. I need to know where we are going. I have suggested an open marriage. If I go that route I will not hide it from him. I got really tired though and haven't tried to pick up where we left off since last weekend. We only get privacy to talk at night and I needed my sleep this past week. I'm sick of talking. I'd rather have sex.
Actions not words
Yesterday we celebrated an important family event together with both sides of our family. Usually his behaviour in the lead up to and during these events is to be very detached and 'reluctant' is the only word I can think of to describe it. This has caused a lot of tension between us in the past. I have usually felt like he is resisting being involved if that makes sense; it's as if he is trying to stay apart and I have ended up feeling like I'm dragging him against his will to every goddamn family party/wedding/whatever. It's the same regardless of whether it is for his own family or mine. I've never felt like he has wanted to be with me, working with me, building a life together. The best way I can describe it is like going out for a walk with someone who spends the whole time either marching ahead or wandering off in another direction altogether. They have zero interest in matching their steps to yours so you can share experiences along the way.
This tension was absent yesterday and for the few days of organising beforehand we worked well together. Last night, after the busy, emotional and tiring day we had I went to bed and cried myself to an exhausted sleep. My daddy is dying, I miss my best friend and I'm trying to accept H is who he is and I need more than he can give. He lay on the sofa watching a show on his screen until nearly 3am, got into bed and kissed me on the cheek saying goodnight. He expressed his enjoyment of the day when we spoke this morning. I asked him if that was because he had finally admitted he only wants a platonic relationship with me and could he see himself being happy living with me as platonic friends indefinitely. He said he doesn't know because yesterday he had felt "drawn" to me. I told him I found that confusing because of his lack of attraction/desire for the last 20 years or more. He said he didn't know what it meant but it could be something to build on. He then said he'd hug me "but it's so hot this morning". I replied "yeah it is really warm isn't it and that's okay, I don't want a hug. I want a shag". He looked uncomfortable but tried to laugh and got out of bed to get ready for work.
I've only been on this forum for three weeks but have taken on board a lot of sound advice. I am paying attention to what he does, not what he says.
I found ILIASM on the 30th of June and spent the first week reading. The second week I ventured as far as commenting on some threads and continuing to read, a lot. So many stories similar to my own. It's the feelings though; the emotions and the intense pain expressed by so many through the years here that felt the most familiar. Cold comfort in finding a group of people who truly 'get it'. During the third week I grew very despondent and due to real life demands took a lot of breaks from the reading. I was struggling to come to terms with the reality of my situation.
Some Context
IRL during the last three weeks my husband and I have been having the most difficult extended conversation of our lives. I have referred to the wisdom and experience on iliasm and used metaphors galore to try getting us to meet on the same page. We had begun this very prolonged, multi phased and challenging 'talk' a few days before I searched online for some kind of group I might find support in. I asked my H how he'd feel about me doing that. I know, what was I thinking, right? I told him the loneliness and isolation were killing me and asked would he mind if I searched for some kind of group who would understand. I should've looked outside my marriage for a support network years ago but it never occurred to me. I did read a lot and watched TED talks and listened to all sorts of advice on how to make my relationship better, how to improve myself, how to parent better etc etc. I didn't grasp that all my efforts over the years have been aimed at fixing MYSELF alone, as if I existed in a vacuum, until I found iliasm that is. As if my marriage would miraculously improve if I improved somehow.
One version of my story so far:
Met my husband when we were only 18 (him) and 19(me) during our first year at the same university. I had taken a year out and lived in a different country before taking up my place; hence the year age difference. We got on really well from the start, very similar upbringings and ambitions. His family were austerely religious and had done a lot of damage to my H and his siblings. None of them have grown into what could be considered 'healthy' adults. My H actually seems the most balanced of the lot but the bar is very very low! Sexually, there was always something 'off' but he put it down to his upbringing and I was so young and inexperienced myself I just did not recognise what were so many red flags. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Depressing too. Nearly 30 years later and through many ups and downs we somehow have remained 'friends' and are raising three pretty amazing children. Persuading him to get me pregnant was a whole saga in itself. His hang ups around sex did not go away with marriage, which he had convinced us both would happen. I would've loved more kids. My H rejected me so completely at the first sign of morning sickness that I focused most of my energy on nurturing my children for the next 15 yrs or so. I know it seems shocking that people stay in a SM for so many years but the thing is, life didn't stop just because my husband refused to have a full sex life with me. Yes, it hurt like hell but I am very adept at getting on with things, with 'making do'. I started businesses, managed property and projects and kept very very busy. I realise now that I found solace in the closeness I had with my children as babies; I continue to love the affection they show me. They have kept me from shriveling up all these years; hugs are a life saver. H is also a hard worker and adept at keeping busy/avoiding his unhappy marriage and so we just kept going. Until I couldn't any longer. I hit a wall 4yrs ago and fell apart. Told him I needed out. I wasn't prepared for the sense of relief at letting go. Letting go of the burden my failing marriage had become. I allowed myself to let go of the heavy responsibility I'd assumed for our combined happiness. For one amazing week I began to remember who I was. H was devastated. There were tears and gnashing of teeth and many promises to "make things right". I agreed to stay.
I bought more books. He didn't read any of them. I suggested counselling. He didn't go. He did try to engage sexually for a short time and in quite limited ways. He continued to hide from his own feelings and I continued to know something was 'off'. Circumstances gave us an 'out' and we lived apart for over three years with him staying over maybe one night a week. While we lived apart he became more affectionate; hugs, snuggling on the sofa watching tv, hand holding. Our living arrangements meant there was no privacy for anything more. He relaxed. Our relationship improved greatly and I got my hopes up! We only moved back in together a few months ago and it didn't take long for the affection to cease and the old rejection pain to return.
Why Chasing
Meanwhile, our children got older and one says she is 'queer'; her own choice of label. My suspicions about her dad's sexuality influenced my approach with my kids and I have always encouraged them to accept themselves for who they are. There is a 'no shame' policy in my home. So this daughter has been talking about how she doesn't fit the norm amongst her peers, since she hit puberty. She said she needed to explore her sexual orientation and wants to attend a nearby lgbtq+ centre. One day while I'm there waiting I start looking through leaflets. I had no idea there are so many sexual orientations these days! The dots begin to join up. My H's discomfort with physical touch, with deep kissing, with penetrative intercourse. His apparent preference for masturbation. The intimacy issues a number of his siblings (and parents) have displayed over the nearly thirty years I've known them. Two sisters in law confiding their husband's "low libido" was causing problems. One stayed, one walked. I didn't tell them I was in a SM or had suspected for years their husbands were gay too. I'm 48. We didn't have any words other than straight and gay in my world for most of my life! This is Catholic Ireland. Repression has been endemic for generations. We're a work in progress.
So, I opened 'the talk' with the observation he seemed to be regretting us moving back in with him and my fear that we had not done anything to change our marriage since the crisis four years ago. I asked my H to please read some links I wanted to share with him. I asked him if he'd ever considered he might be asexual. He didn't know what that meant but agreed to read about it on the AVEN website. I told him how much I loved him but that his lack of initiative suggested he did not return a similar kind of love. He finds it incredibly hard to speak out loud when the topic is emotional. It took a couple of days of me pushing him to open up and making it very clear that this time I was not going to give up trying. I told him that we have been through too much together to not trust each other with the truth now. No matter how much it hurts I will only accept absolute honesty from him. Boy does the truth HURT. He says he has not been in love with me for many many years; he won't say exactly when he was aware of not being in love with me because he's not sure he is capable of feeling that way for anyone and he kept trying to "make things right". He uses that expression a lot. He said that while he is not 'in love', the love he feels for me is very strong and "does that not count for something"? He insists he would do anything for me and the kids but he is yet to be drawn on describing what he wants for his own future. He says he does identify with a lot on the asexuality website.
The talking has been exhausting. We have to take regular breaks, of a few days at a time, but have agreed that this is a process that we have to stick with. I need to know where we are going. I have suggested an open marriage. If I go that route I will not hide it from him. I got really tired though and haven't tried to pick up where we left off since last weekend. We only get privacy to talk at night and I needed my sleep this past week. I'm sick of talking. I'd rather have sex.
Actions not words
Yesterday we celebrated an important family event together with both sides of our family. Usually his behaviour in the lead up to and during these events is to be very detached and 'reluctant' is the only word I can think of to describe it. This has caused a lot of tension between us in the past. I have usually felt like he is resisting being involved if that makes sense; it's as if he is trying to stay apart and I have ended up feeling like I'm dragging him against his will to every goddamn family party/wedding/whatever. It's the same regardless of whether it is for his own family or mine. I've never felt like he has wanted to be with me, working with me, building a life together. The best way I can describe it is like going out for a walk with someone who spends the whole time either marching ahead or wandering off in another direction altogether. They have zero interest in matching their steps to yours so you can share experiences along the way.
This tension was absent yesterday and for the few days of organising beforehand we worked well together. Last night, after the busy, emotional and tiring day we had I went to bed and cried myself to an exhausted sleep. My daddy is dying, I miss my best friend and I'm trying to accept H is who he is and I need more than he can give. He lay on the sofa watching a show on his screen until nearly 3am, got into bed and kissed me on the cheek saying goodnight. He expressed his enjoyment of the day when we spoke this morning. I asked him if that was because he had finally admitted he only wants a platonic relationship with me and could he see himself being happy living with me as platonic friends indefinitely. He said he doesn't know because yesterday he had felt "drawn" to me. I told him I found that confusing because of his lack of attraction/desire for the last 20 years or more. He said he didn't know what it meant but it could be something to build on. He then said he'd hug me "but it's so hot this morning". I replied "yeah it is really warm isn't it and that's okay, I don't want a hug. I want a shag". He looked uncomfortable but tried to laugh and got out of bed to get ready for work.
I've only been on this forum for three weeks but have taken on board a lot of sound advice. I am paying attention to what he does, not what he says.
