okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jun 24, 2019 20:46:44 GMT -5
Being in my SM relationship and my job that has me travelling all week. I think the hardest part is I am so lonely. I really don't have any friends. My co-workers are scattered all over the US. I have a home office so I don't have that work interaction, lunch coffee pot and those day to day interactions.... I sit in a hotel two to three nights a week. I just ache for a friend sometimes. I have tried church and doing things with some of my "friends" My W won't do anything and then I get grief that I am not spending enough time with the kids..... I love my kids I spend as much time as possible with them. I spend as much time with my W as possible..... Sometimes I just want to talk to a buddy male or female, tell them my woes.
I think that the loss of intimacy has just made this worse. No love at home, no love at home, no love on the road. (except at little at home, my kids, but that parenting thing...)
Sorry just wondered if anyone else has these times where they crave interaction.....
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Post by sadkat on Jun 24, 2019 22:14:29 GMT -5
I work from home as well but don’t travel much anymore. The majority of my interactions are virtual these days and it can get lonely. My situation differs from yours as I am leaving (waiting for the house to sell). My therapist has been really working with me to expand my social circles even if I am planning a move to a different zip code. She insisted I not wait and it was one of the few things I resisted doing. We tend to feel guilt when we don’t do things with family - be it kids or our spouses. What I’ve learned is that having social interactions outside of the family unit benefits me. Don’t let your wife guilt you into not getting out there on your own. Find some meetups you are interested in, reach out to old friends, do volunteer work- anything to get you out there to socialize with others. My therapist told me to take advantage of opportunities that present themselves. So far, I’ve attended 2 professional meetings (which I hate to do and had to force myself), made friends at my gym by arriving 30 minutes prior to my exercise class just to chat with other people, and reached out to an old friend that I hadn’t spoken to in well over 5 years. All of these efforts (even those I hated doing) paid off and I don’t feel quite so isolated anymore. The added bonus is that I’m learning that making my world revolve around my spouse and my child did me no favors whatsoever. My child is grown and gone. My spouse grew to expect me to change my plans at his whim and became even more selfish as a result.
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Post by baza on Jun 24, 2019 22:27:13 GMT -5
As a principle - and irrespective of your marital situation - having, and being part of, a support network has a fair bit going for it. Of course quality friendships don't usually fall out of trees, and in the environment you describe Brother okiedude there are not huge opportunities to develop your support network. I guess you do what you can within the environment you've got.
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larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jun 24, 2019 23:06:53 GMT -5
My wife isolated me from all my friends years ago. I heard the same stuff. She wanted all my time spent with her and kids. Problem was, without the balance of time away with buddies, my time with family lacked in quality. I wasn't happy. I broke this pattern by constantly reassuring her family was most important and came first. Over time, she came to realize poker night with my buddies made me a happier person during family time. This process took a good year. I always approached her with kindness and sensitivity when telling her I was going to my buddies. Don't ask. Tell her and don't waiver. And maintain calmness and composure if she gets upset.
Also, find another couple you both like. And do double date night stuff. This works wonders for us! If she's like my wife was, she'll fight against it at first. Keep at it until she agrees. Don't nag, just wait a week a try again. Once she starts to go, she'll have a great time and participate more.
As for the lack of social opportunity due to work. Take advantage of little opportunities. Go to subway and talk to the guy/girl making your sub. Don't be creepy or desperate, just spark something up. I'm no social butterfly so I naturally dont feel inclined to do these things. But taking these social 'risks' will pave way for a more confident you.
Of course, these tips help me and may not apply to you. They've worked wonders on my confidence and help raise sex rank.
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jun 25, 2019 8:16:18 GMT -5
Thank you SadKat, Baza and Larry101 I do appreciate it. Over the years we have had friends off and on. We have a tendency to make friends, we just can't keep them very well..... Very long story about making unhealthy relationships.... I do need to work to find good people to hang out with.
I have been looking into some things to do locally.... I have over the last 23 years lost myself so it is hard to find what I truly like to do...
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 25, 2019 8:52:29 GMT -5
Take ownership for your feelings and mood. Its tough medicine to swallow for some of us but its vital for mental health.
Get a gym membership, sign up for a yoga or water aerobics class, join a hiking club. Pick up a hobby that allows you to have a common interest with others. Force yourself to have interactions with everyone you meet. Fake it until you make it. Your subconscious cant tell the difference
Call up at least one relative or long lost acquaintance every week to see how they are doing.
At the end of they day, it is your life, take responsibility for it. OWN YOUR SHIT!!!
Post edit: I dont mean to down play your lonliness. Embrace it. But dont wallow in it. Dont allow it to color your outlook and mental disposition. Ive been there. Its not a pretty sight. It can be pretty dark. So force yourself to walk on the bright side of the street.
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Post by michael on Jun 25, 2019 13:37:00 GMT -5
Yes. I don’t work away from home. I see my wife everyday. I see my kids everyday. I don’t have any friends. I don’t know why. People just don’t seem to want to be friends with me. Everyone is friendly. They just don’t want to be friends. Not that I’ve tried though. I just assume friendship would develop naturally. I guess that is my problem. Anyways, yes, I’m lonely as hell. I have no one to talk to. I want to see a councillor just so I have someone to,talk to. Pathetic really.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 25, 2019 14:13:59 GMT -5
Okiedude said: “ I just ache for a friend sometimes. I have tried church and doing things with some of my "friends" My W won't do anything and then I get grief that I am not spending enough time with the kids..... I love my kids I spend as much time as possible with them. I spend as much time with my W as possible..... Sometimes I just want to talk to a buddy male or female, tell them my woes.”
It’s healthy to have some friendships outside of your family. Doing something once a week — some kind of hobby, perhaps a professional meeting or volunteer work or a spiritual group or exercise class — without your family would give you a chance to make friends and would make you a more interesting person. That 2-3 hours a week could also make you happier.
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larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jun 25, 2019 14:34:25 GMT -5
Okiedude said: “ I just ache for a friend sometimes. I have tried church and doing things with some of my "friends" My W won't do anything and then I get grief that I am not spending enough time with the kids..... I love my kids I spend as much time as possible with them. I spend as much time with my W as possible..... Sometimes I just want to talk to a buddy male or female, tell them my woes.” It’s healthy to have some friendships outside of your family. Doing something once a week — some kind of hobby, perhaps a professional meeting or volunteer work or a spiritual group or exercise class — without your family would give you a chance to make friends and would make you a more interesting person. That 2-3 hours a week could also make you happier. Yup, mom knows best and remember, relationships aren't black and white. I have lots of acquaintances and only a handful of friends. Cast a wide net. You might end up connecting on some level with someone but you're not necessarily going to hang out outside of yoga class or whatever.
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Post by lessingham on Jun 25, 2019 16:26:12 GMT -5
When I toddled off to university many decades ago, my dad told me to go to weekly mass, whether I believed or not. He said there was always a busybody and a gaggle of gossipers who would keep an eye on you and engage you in chat to pump details from you
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Post by notdeadyet on Jun 25, 2019 17:33:24 GMT -5
Lets face it, guys don't make friends the same way women do. My W can walk up to a total stranger and talk about anything! Guys tend more to "fellow-ship" (2 guys in the same ship) around activities. The bond is mostly unspoken, and most of us don't suffer whining well, but will be glad to brainstorm solutions. We just have to respect the comfort zones of our buds. Find some activities. I found a group of outdoorsmen called Legacy Outfitters that has been a Godsend for me. Good bunch o' Bubbas.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 25, 2019 21:11:35 GMT -5
Lessingham said: “When I toddled off to university many decades ago, my dad told me to go to weekly mass, whether I believed or not. He said there was always a busybody and a gaggle of gossipers who would keep an eye on you and engage you in chat to pump details from you.”
Being the object of gossip by busybodies isn’t the same as cultivating friends. Participating in Bible study or a sports team or a board of an organization could lead to friendships.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 25, 2019 21:14:18 GMT -5
Boar said: “Lets face it, guys don't make friends the same way women do. My W can walk up to a total stranger and talk about anything!.”
I can do that only because I spent a couple of decades practicing, reading books about small talk, and observing the women and men who acted like they never met a stranger. It’s a skill you can cultivate.
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Post by theexplorer on Jun 27, 2019 12:14:18 GMT -5
Okiedude, I had a job that required travel for several years prior to my marriage. We worked 60 to 80 hours per week to stay on schedule!! After working so many hours, I usually just wanted to rest! After a few years of that, I just couldn't take it any more and had to quit. The long hours, the long drives, eating in restaurants all the time and as you mentioned the lack of friends. It was a tough decision to reach. It was the best paying job I've ever had. It was an excellent job in most respects. Staying in hotels 5 to 6 nights per week really got old!!!
I did find talking with friends on the phone helped during that time. There were a few hotels I went to on a semi-regular basis. In a few instances, I developed friendships with hotel employees.
It may be that your deeper problem is finding someone with whom you would desire a close friendship. This can be a real problem!! I have struggled with this in recent years. My close friends were guys I had known since childhood. Unfortunately, all three of them have gone to an early grave. This is one of the things that sucks in the second half of life!!
Odd as it may seem, I have considered looking for a job that requires travel again. At this point, getting out of the house sounds quite appealing! Unfortunately, the idea is not very practical in my current situation.
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Post by Handy on Jun 27, 2019 12:54:03 GMT -5
Okiedude, I am finding it more difficult to connect with friends. Some just seem less interested in socializing. Some seem to have ever increasing boring lives so there isn't much to talk about except for retold stories I have heard many times.
Maybe I am also guilty of the above issues because I fine it difficult at times to interact with people and when I do, I question the quality of my part of any conversation.
I am still going to develop relationships, new and old.
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