larry101
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Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jun 24, 2019 17:17:44 GMT -5
This journal will serve 2 purposes. Keep my action plan on track and possibly help others willing to change themselves in effort to improve their sexlife/marriage. Certainly, I'd love to hear other ideas from others as this is a fluid process.
This first post will merely provide quick summary of how I perceive my SM (low) came to be.
The lustful yrs... I was in my early 20s when I met my wife. We had lots of friends and a very active social life. I was brimming with confidence and our sex life was off the charts. She was very sexual and was genuinely sexually attracted to me.
Major rut after marriage (late 20s)... Sexual attraction took more work but it was still there. Admittedly, I had lost some interest in her and didn't give her the same level of attention/affection. She wanted kids. I obliged. We had twins.
Kids came (I'm 30)... Turned our lives upside down. She put the kids before me/us. I began to struggle understanding mechanics at play. Sexual advances by me began meeting rejection.
Next 8 yrs (30-38yrs)... I read a lot of relationship books, I did everything she seemed to want of me. She didn't see any problem. She would accuse me of only wanting sex. I was fixated on increasing sexual frequency. My efforts proved to make things worse. Sex was every 1-2 months and mostly starfish.
Resentment and pain (38-42)... The sexual frustration boiled over. There were blowup arguments about it. I gave up and had a difficult time initiating due to fear of rejection. I lost count of the days, but it had to be at least 2yrs of no sex because I refused to initiate.
The crossroads. Today (43 years old)... Something is gonna change. Either we fall in love again or we split. A couple months ago, I started revisiting the beta/alpha/sexrank stuff. I did so because it proved the most promising recipe I had tried years ago. I've began implementing a MAP (male action plan). 2 months in and we've seen significant improvement in our marriage, sexlife, and our individual happiness.
Next post will be first journal entries encompassing first 2mths of my MAP.
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larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jun 24, 2019 18:32:52 GMT -5
The Map is all about self improvement. In the end, my wife will either desire me sexually again or someone else will. I will never cheat, but will follow through with divorce if my map fails.
Mindset: my happiness will not depend on her or sex.
Overall plan: improve my appearance, improve my social skills, reestablish friendship with my old buddies, spend more time with my parents and siblings, take more social risks, deepen relationships with colleagues. be more confident. In general, inject more alpha into my life.
Changing interactions with W and kids: take a leadership role, be more assertive, don't let sexual rejection affect me.
JORNAL ENTRY 1 4/15/19 I haven't initiated sex in yrs. I'm depressed. She's depressed. She sleeps on couch. Enough is enough. We will revilalize our marriage or call it quits
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 24, 2019 19:47:29 GMT -5
The Map is all about self improvement. In the end, my wife will either desire me sexually again or someone else will... We will revilalize our marriage or call it quits Amen. Either way, in five years you will be much happier. I am less than three years into my journey. So much has changed. Life is not perfect, but it is so so so much better.
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larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jun 24, 2019 22:28:43 GMT -5
JOURNAL 4/15/19 - 5/1/19 since I'm playing catchup, Im going to summarize in 2 week blocks.
Before I could put any effort into my marriage, I needed to get past my resentment. Over the years, it really felt like my wife's rejection was intential. Like some sort of passive aggressive punishment. Once I learned more about what makes her biological libido tick, I had a better understanding that she CAN'T force herself to be attracted to me. And if she forces herself to have sex with me, it will be unfulfilling starfish. Also, generally speaking, me doing what SHE THINKS SHE WANTS, will further reduce her attraction to me (lots of beta stuff). I accepted all this, and overcame the resentment.
During this 2 week period, I focused on myself and the family as a whole. I ordered teeth whitening gel, started doing crunches to reduce belly fat, took lead around house, corralled family for movie night, went bowling etc. I also put my serious nature aside and generally focused on being fun and lighthearted. I even let the little ocd things that drive me crazy go. All these things helped me dig out of the depressive rut to which I had succumbed.
Along with these family initiatives, I needed to work on my confidence. It was at a lifelong low. So... I sparked up small talk with strangers, men and women alike. This gave me a feeling of confidence that began to snowball. I even made the cute girl at McDonald's drive through smile and throw her hair back. I began getting to know my work colleagues better and focused my interest on their lives.
Overall, this 14day period was laying a foundation for my MAP.
Next journal will include my wife's birthday where I really started focusing on our relationship...
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larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jun 25, 2019 1:11:08 GMT -5
JOURNAL ENTRY 5/1/19 - 5/15/19 IMPORTANT note: as of this date, we hadn't had sex in yrs due to my decision to stop initiating. I certainly don't suggest such a long hiatus, however, I did essentially take control of the vaginal key. If your wife has a 2 month libido cycle, not initiating for 6mths might prove beneficial. Use at your risk!
Starting in May, I began experimenting. Instead of ASKING her to dinner out, I TOLD her we're going to dinner. Me:"hey, we're dropping kids off at my moms and going to dinner." W:"what? I don't think so. My hair isn't even brushed!" me:"you got 10mins, we have a reservation (playful tone)" w: [scrambles off to bathroom] when we pulled up to the restaurant, she says, this place doesn't take reservations. I laugh and say "good thing, cause I didn't make any".
Ok so nothing groundbreaking here. A simple little date night out. But I injected excitement and mystery into her, and she loved it. Normally, I ask her to dinner, and ask her where she wants to go. Blah. No excitement. Beta VS alpha. Another important point, I didn't and had no plans to initiate sex.
For next week or so, I continued adding alpha type stuff into our daily interactions. Nothing dramatic, just a slightly different mindset and approach. She was responding with reserved intrigue and interest. A little confused, but obviously liked it. She occasionally asked why the change. I took this opportunity to respond with "we need to get out of this rut" or "I'm concerned where our marriage is heading"
W birthday: I went to great lengths coordinating a simple little bday for her. All good beta stuff. It fell on work day for both of us, so I had to plan carefully. I managed to get a card, cake, and a few presents. I snuck presents in house, had kids wrap them (lots of wrapping personality) and set the table while she was watching TV. She never saw it coming. She was totally surprised by all of it. We had quality family bday celebration and I flirted with her throughout the evening. Little touch on the arm here, little shoulder rub there. Later in evening, after kids went to bed, she assumed her normal position on couch. And turned TV on (she sleeps on couch in Case you missed that point). I whispered in her ear. "come sleep in bed tonight. There's a birthday suit waiting in there for you." the sex was far from starfish. It was the most passionate sex we'd had in over a decade.
Footnote: every interaction these 2 weeks was done with a different attitude and mindset. A playful one. A respectful one, a non desparate one. But... Anytime she didn't participate in playful flirting or expressed little to no reaction to my initiated conversations, I moved on to interactions with kids, or put ESPN on TV, or went to the computer. Essentially, she revolved around my life, and not the reverse. And I never expressed any disappointment to these moments of non participation on her part.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 25, 2019 9:04:12 GMT -5
This is good stuff. I encourage everyone to have a male action plan, even the ladies ;-)
For the guys, for reference you can check out out Athol Kay, Married Man Sex Life. He refers to the MAP.
But dont do the MAP for your wife or your relationship. Do it for you!
Its up to all of us to be attractive! Dont be unnattractive!
If you spouse doesnt notice, that right there is telling you something that you need to act on.
Enought talking. More Doing!
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larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jun 25, 2019 10:58:49 GMT -5
This is good stuff. I encourage everyone to have a male action plan, even the ladies ;-) For the guys, for reference you can check out out Athol Kay, Married Man Sex Life. He refers to the MAP. But dont do the MAP for your wife or your relationship. Do it for you! Its up to all of us to be attractive! Dont be unnattractive! If you spouse doesnt notice, that right there is telling you something that you need to act on. Enought talking. More Doing! Indeed. A FAP is certainly possible. Anthols book won't provide a full road map for females, but it discusses how a women raises her sex rank. It's mostly all appearance related so increases can be had rather quickly. Whereas a man has to build social status, confidence, make more money, etc. A far more involved in devour.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 25, 2019 11:09:56 GMT -5
You are on a good path. Im on a similar journey. So I see myself reflected in some ways. My feedback is to focus on yourself predominantly in the early going. Let yourself pick up some momentum. Ultimately, you should be doing this for you. Otherwise, you run the risk of covert contracts and the rabbit hole that entails. Next journal will include my wife's birthday where I really started focusing on our relationship...
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 25, 2019 12:19:52 GMT -5
Let me correct myself. Athol's plan describes the Mindful Attraction Plan, not male action plan. I suspect the end goal is similar. This is good stuff. I encourage everyone to have a male action plan, even the ladies ;-) For the guys, for reference you can check out out Athol Kay, Married Man Sex Life. He refers to the MAP. But dont do the MAP for your wife or your relationship. Do it for you! Its up to all of us to be attractive! Dont be unnattractive! If you spouse doesnt notice, that right there is telling you something that you need to act on. Enought talking. More Doing!
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Post by shamwow on Jun 26, 2019 7:21:27 GMT -5
I'll be curious to see how this goes. Some of the "alpha" activities you describe sound more bossy than strong. You're more likely than not to just piss her off. Don't be a "nice guy". You know, the guy who is so nice he gets pushed around. Don't be a dick who is all "alpha". Nobody likes being bossed around. Seek to be a good man. Respect her. Demand respect back. Listen and set boundaries. Don't let her push you around but don't push her around either (you've got ten minutes). This is the foundation of any good relationship. As ballofconfusion tells me often, when a woman stops respecting her man love dies. I've come to believe this is absolutely true. If you respect her, listen to her, love her, and set valid boundaries, and she does not reciprocate? Well, then, Houston we have a problem. You can't change her, just yourself. I applaud wholeheartedly your efforts at self improvement, by the way. But being a pushy, disrespectful "alpha" male is not likely to win her respect or love. Much better to be a good man than an alpha male.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jun 26, 2019 10:05:17 GMT -5
I guess YMMV, but sometimes my post-SM partner says "Let's go out tonight." Last night he wanted to book a weekend away for his birthday, I really wasn't into it (I'm recovering from a cold and a bit grumpy), but I know I wont be sick when his birthday comes in a couple of weeks. But he took charge and booked it. I had wanted to do something else for his birthday, but I hadn't booked it and it's HIS birthday.
So yeah, expressing a desire to be with your partner and taking charge of the planning is great. Him just springing a surprise dinner on me and telling me we are going wouldn't be so cool.
OP, I find the idea of a FAP to be all about image to be...horrific. Attractiveness is great, but there's a lot more to being a good partner and getting yourself together than being pretty.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 26, 2019 11:52:02 GMT -5
Like anything, people understand different things when they hear things like alpha and beta. And in fact, different people will react differently to alpha and beta behavior. But its just words trying to characterize behavior. The important thing is what ballofconfusion states "when a woman stops respecting her man love dies" To have someone's respect certain behaviors are typically observered and are considered to be attractive: - leading a purposeful life - setting and enforcing boundaries - having expectations - loving onself (general grooming, clothes, appearance) - being available emotionally, physically - being fun And many others. But also minimizing unattractive behaviors like: - neediness, clingyness - jealousy - anger, resentment - apathy, being ambivalent - being an asshole Looking at the bigger picture, it pays to live a life with a purpose but also being open to the possibility of living your journey with another who is living their own journey. To me, as a man, this means finding the right mix of "alpha" and "beta" qualities for the given context. Alpha in the sense that women need to see the leadership qualities in men so that they dont feel like they have to take on the role of the alpha. Because they will if they feel their journey is threatened. I'll be curious to see how this goes. Some of the "alpha" activities you describe sound more bossy than strong. You're more likely than not to just piss her off. Don't be a "nice guy". You know, the guy who is so nice he gets pushed around. Don't be a dick who is all "alpha". Nobody likes being bossed around. Seek to be a good man. Respect her. Demand respect back. Listen and set boundaries. Don't let her push you around but don't push her around either (you've got ten minutes). This is the foundation of any good relationship. As ballofconfusion tells me often, when a woman stops respecting her man love dies. I've come to believe this is absolutely true. If you respect her, listen to her, love her, and set valid boundaries, and she does not reciprocate? Well, then, Houston we have a problem. You can't change her, just yourself. I applaud wholeheartedly your efforts at self improvement, by the way. But being a pushy, disrespectful "alpha" male is not likely to win her respect or love. Much better to be a good man than an alpha male.
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larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jun 26, 2019 12:59:44 GMT -5
Like anything, people understand different things when they hear things like alpha and beta. And in fact, different people will react differently to alpha and beta behavior. But its just words trying to characterize behavior. The important thing is what ballofconfusion states "when a woman stops respecting her man love dies" To have someone's respect certain behaviors are typically observered and are considered to be attractive: - leading a purposeful life - setting and enforcing boundaries - having expectations - loving onself (general grooming, clothes, appearance) - being available emotionally, physically - being fun And many others. But also minimizing unattractive behaviors like: - neediness, clingyness - jealousy - anger, resentment - apathy, being ambivalent - being an asshole Looking at the bigger picture, it pays to live a life with a purpose but also being open to the possibility of living your journey with another who is living their own journey. To me, as a man, this means finding the right mix of "alpha" and "beta" qualities for the given context. Alpha in the sense that women need to see the leadership qualities in men so that they dont feel like they have to take on the role of the alpha. Because they will if they feel their journey is threatened. I'll be curious to see how this goes. Some of the "alpha" activities you describe sound more bossy than strong. You're more likely than not to just piss her off. Don't be a "nice guy". You know, the guy who is so nice he gets pushed around. Don't be a dick who is all "alpha". Nobody likes being bossed around. Seek to be a good man. Respect her. Demand respect back. Listen and set boundaries. Don't let her push you around but don't push her around either (you've got ten minutes). This is the foundation of any good relationship. As ballofconfusion tells me often, when a woman stops respecting her man love dies. I've come to believe this is absolutely true. If you respect her, listen to her, love her, and set valid boundaries, and she does not reciprocate? Well, then, Houston we have a problem. You can't change her, just yourself. I applaud wholeheartedly your efforts at self improvement, by the way. But being a pushy, disrespectful "alpha" male is not likely to win her respect or love. Much better to be a good man than an alpha male. ^ Daddeeo articulated this quite well ^ Others expressed some concerns... I can't capture my tone in these posts. But I can assure you I'm not demanding anything of her. It's all in a lighthearted, fun, and spontaneous way. Although spontaneous behavior may not be received well by all W's, the vast majority will enjoy it. It adds a small amount of excitement and mystery which releases endorphins. There is huge chemical ingredient in all of us which is primal in nature. Fight or flight. You can't control these chemical changes with your conscious mind. Just like Your low sex spouse can't consciously decide to be attracted to you. I've got some other replies to shamwow and elkclan I'll include in another post
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endthegame
Junior Member
Posts: 96
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Jun 26, 2019 15:10:16 GMT -5
For what it's worth, when I was maybe 38 to 40 I began working on myself, my happiness, my kids, my friends, family and profession. I became a better version of me.
This did not improve the SM, but 'I' was a better person.
This is a good reason to have a self improvement plan. My personal experience, and from my reading here and the previous EP site has strongly hinted that being 'better' does not solve a SM.
I have now left, and I left a better version of me.
Not sure what my point is in truth, but your journey is not uncommon on this forum, and that includes the women in SM's too. Many of us improve ourselves, none of the improved people here seem to improve the SM.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 26, 2019 15:29:41 GMT -5
Congrats on moving on and on the better you! The fact that in your case self improvement didnt fix the SM underscores the point that you work on you, for you. Not your spouse. Not the relationship. But you and only you. Now if it happens that your spouse is suddenly attracted to you again, well now you have options. But if your spouse is now attracted to you again, more than likely there will be others as well. Again, its nice to have options. Self Improvement leads to options, not fixing the SM. For what it's worth, when I was maybe 38 to 40 I began working on myself, my happiness, my kids, my friends, family and profession. I became a better version of me. This did not improve the SM, but 'I' was a better person. This is a good reason to have a self improvement plan. My personal experience, and from my reading here and the previous EP site has strongly hinted that being 'better' does not solve a SM. I have now left, and I left a better version of me. Not sure what my point is in truth, but your journey is not uncommon on this forum, and that includes the women in SM's too. Many of us improve ourselves, none of the improved people here seem to improve the SM.
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