DrNo
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by DrNo on Jun 24, 2019 4:56:11 GMT -5
warmwaysA path I expect I may take myself sometime. Your words are well received, well, by me. I remember when I was in my mid 20s. Engaged to get married, living with my soon to be wife, I came home one evening and found her packing to leave (long story but she left me for a so called "friend" on my team at work). No arguments, she just left. The sense of loss was immense for months, maybe even a year or more. At the time, as I was an upwardly mobile young man with plenty going for myself. I didn't see it. I just kept my head down, avoided almost all female attention. I just occupied my time with my martial arts training. Then one day I felt the "grip", as you say, slacken up a little. Even to this day I still have memories of the pain of having to somehow find a way through that, seeing her at work, him at work, them out in my social circle. But I do remember there were nights when I "hung in there". Dawn broke and a new day happened, and eventually I found my own way in life. michael - should you decide that you need to leave, you'll be fine. Mother nature is good at repairing us over the course of time. Interestingly when one of my children broke up with their partner recently (fairly long term), I said to him quietly "3.5 billion females in this world, do you think she is the only one you'll ever love?" .... it seemed to help him a lot.
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Post by isthisit on Jun 24, 2019 9:44:29 GMT -5
I think people are misinterpreting what I’m asking. First, I’m not saying she owes me, but she didn’t have to be mean. I’ve given up on the idea of getting laid by her. That will never happen. I was just trying to hold her while getting what little I have left too. Touching her breast is all I’ve got anymore. If there is any output of energy then she is not doing it. She won’t even give me a peck on the check. Secondly, I wasn’t saying it’s my business. I was asking if it was hard to get over feelings of loss. I don’t hate her, I just miss who she used to be. It almost sounds like Baza took her side on the issue. Like she knew I’m ugly or a jerk of a husband anyways so I got what I deserved. I don’t think I’m either. michael your post resonated with me, and I echo a lot of what warmways had to say. Similarly to you I was holding onto what little I had left of the man I fell hopelessly in love whom I have missed very much to a larger or lesser extent for a decade and a half now. As you describe at the beginning of our relationship the thought of him being emotionally or physically intimate with another woman was enough to crush my soul. However, over time as the wear and tear of his neglect and the emotional vacuum of our marriage took its toll these feelings inevitably diminished substantially as anger, frustration (of many flavours) and lonlieness ensued. Although it hasn't happened yet, so the reality may be somewhat different to the abstract idea, the thought of him happy with another partner provides a level of contentment for me. Partly because I still have a level of love for him, partly because his happiness would be beneficial for our children, but mainly because I will feel less responsible for supporting him. (Before anyone gets their knickers in a twist about that last point I am aware that I do not have any responsibilities here, but ours is an unusual situation and I was daft enough to allow a huge degree of co-dependency and I don't think it's okay to just whip that away overnight.) It may be that you are not quite out of steam on your marriage yet, you will know when that moment comes. I was taken a little by surprise by my moment of clarity, as after deliberating and weighing up the options for so very long, I knew it was time and the unsayable words came tumbling out. I have been sad and low sure, and continue to feel these emotions at times, but a sense of loss- no, not at all. I am moving towards a better and more authentic life be that with or without a partner, and that feels great, even when it is difficult. I wish you well.
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Post by baza on Jun 24, 2019 19:35:19 GMT -5
I think people are misinterpreting what I’m asking. First, I’m not saying she owes me, but she didn’t have to be mean. I’ve given up on the idea of getting laid by her. That will never happen. I was just trying to hold her while getting what little I have left too. Touching her breast is all I’ve got anymore. If there is any output of energy then she is not doing it. She won’t even give me a peck on the check. Secondly, I wasn’t saying it’s my business. I was asking if it was hard to get over feelings of loss. I don’t hate her, I just miss who she used to be. It almost sounds like Baza took her side on the issue. Like she knew I’m ugly or a jerk of a husband anyways so I got what I deserved. I don’t think I’m either. Looks like I answered the wrong question earlier. So, in regard to the question of "it was hard to get over feelings of loss" then my answer is "yep, it sure is". In my experience you can start the process of "getting over it" whilst you are still in your ILIASM deal. But the process is way quicker once you are out of your ILIASM deal.
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 25, 2019 1:53:13 GMT -5
I think it was easier for me to move on than most.
I loved my wife dearly for the first twenty-three years of our marriage. In my 24th, one day I realized just how one sided our relationship was. I was doing everything I could to meet her needs. Income, help around the house, attention, support of her fledgling business, etc etc etc. When I voiced my needs, I was gaslighted or discounted. She made no attempt to even understand me. I was working a job that would statistically take years off my life and getting very little in return. I was the only one in love. She was not in love. You don't treat someone you love like that. You treat someone like that when you are in control. Big difference.
It is hard to stay in love when you realize that you are not loved in return, possibly never were, and never will be again.
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larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jun 25, 2019 6:50:57 GMT -5
You say all you wanted was to hold her breasts. women don't work that way. My W and I went through a very similar period. I would buy her things, do everything she wanted. It will make her content. But it will also make her less sexually attracted to you. Stop being her slave. And don't do anything and expect sex in return. Stop focusing on the sex. Focus on yourself. And take her off the pedistal. She will respect you more. I'll give you an example I remember many years ago...
I was doing everything she asked and wanted. I was desperate for skin on skin. She was in the bathtub (bidaily routine of hers) drinking a glass of wine. I was watching football game. She asked me to get her a refill (she did this often). This time I said no. I told her I was busy and she very easily could have brought the bottle with her. I told her I really didn't want to see her naked, get turned on, then get cold shoulder tonight in bed. It resulted in quite a fight. But it was my very first step in removing her from a pedistal. This process took yrs to reverse. An important takeaway is I stopped doing everything she wanted without regard for my own agenda. Not that I stopped doing nice things for my wife. If she loves you, there is hope.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2019 15:31:30 GMT -5
All you can do, and it turns out that it's the best thing you can do both for you and for your family, is be the best version of yourself. Being a thoughtful spouse or partner is one thing but being a doormat is another. Also, sex is never, ever, ever quid pro quo. It's not a barter system, it's a caring mutual part of your whole relationship. Doing everything in relationship for rewards or gratification of any kind from another is codependency.
I don't remember where I heard it but I've found it to be pretty good: A man marries and woman thinking that she won't change but she does. A woman marries a man thinking that he'll change and he doesn't.
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Post by flashjohn on Jun 27, 2019 15:58:04 GMT -5
Tonight I took my wife out for dinner. Cheap dinner, but still. I also bought her a new pair of shoes for her work. When we went to bed I felt her breast and she completely revoked me. Now I’m on the couch as usual. I really want to leave her. Well actually, I want her to leave me. We had talked about it earlier in the year. As far as talking with her goes. Like trying to pry open something. Half answers at best. Non answers a lot too. Seems like it’s not going to happen, for now anyways. Here’s my problem. I can’t stand the idea of her sleeping with someone else after we split if we did. The very idea drives me angry. Was it hard for others out there or was it easy to get over. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me but the idea, I’m angry right now just thinking about it. My friend, I certainly understand how you feel. I was married to my ExRefuser for over 30 years, but I moved out after 28. It took almost 3 years to get the divorce finalized.
For a long time, the thought of my ExRefuser fucking someone else bothered me. But after about 2 years of total celibacy, it didn't bother me so much. Then I became very resentful and stopped caring at all. When I moved out after 6 full years of total celibacy, the thought of her fucking someone else made me laugh. I realized that she was so unpleasant that it was VERY unlikely that anyone would be interested in someone so unappealing.
I think part of the reason it bothered me was the idea that if I had just tried a bit harder, or waited a bit longer, she would change and become a loving woman. And if I left, and she changed, then I would have missed out. However, I had to face the fact that anyone who acted like she did was NEVER going to change. If she ever loved me, she would have at least made an effort.
Not long before I left, she told me that I was a horrible, husband, Christian, and leader. She also told me that all of her friends had better husbands, and she could easily find a better man. Now she has the chance, but has not found anyone. I guess there are not many men who want a fat, mean woman who hates sex.
I can tell you that even if she found another man, I would feel really sorry for him. I even felt sorry for her lawyer. His legal assistant told my lawyer that most of the delay was because my ExRefuser would not come in to review documents or sign them. It took over 3 months from the day we agreed to everything at mediation to the date of the final hearing, and I even prepared the most complicated documents myself.
So all i can tell you is this: When you get out, and find a woman who loves you and fucks you with passion and intensity, it is likely that nothing your refuser does will bother you.
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Post by JMX on Jun 27, 2019 21:59:53 GMT -5
JMX I mean... you bought her shoes...I am guessing you are implying anything a H buys for his W does not entitle him to be sexual with his W? Maybe you could expand on your answer to help Michael. I don’t think you understand the joke
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Post by JMX on Jun 27, 2019 22:22:56 GMT -5
Michael,
I am sorry for trying to be funny. Truly, I am.
My husband is a “gifts” guy. It gets me nowhere. I recently put a hefty down payment on his dream - a boat. He was kind of cool for a bit, stopped taking his T shots, and now sucks donkey balls again. I knew better.
I laughed when I read that you bought her shoes for work, because that is personal to me. Of course he would buy me work shoes. So romantic. (I make the money)
There are just some people who are vapid and bereft of emotion.
I used to think like you - I hope when we divorce he never finds someone else. If he screwed someone else, I would be sad.
Today, I watched Top Gun. I don’t cry at movies. My husband does, which has been endless entertainment for me over the years. But I cried today watching that movie.
Why?
I cried from the moment Goose dies to HARDER when Maverick engages in the fight with the MGS. He lost and he found himself, AGAIN.
Maverick was changed by his experiences leading up to his heroic moment (without Goose).
Be Maverick.
Don’t buy that bitch shoes for work anymore. Don’t buy her shoes at all. She is dead to you. Re-engage and throw those dog-tags in the ocean. Move on.
She WILL find a better life for her - it’s not your better life.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 28, 2019 6:27:10 GMT -5
JMX, sorry to hear he stopped taking his T shots. It has to feel hopeless now.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 28, 2019 6:46:05 GMT -5
My husband stopped taking his T shots, and now sucks donkey balls again. I knew better. I don't get it, I just don't get it... Why in the hell would any man stop taking a medication that enabled him to have sex with a desirable woman who wanted to have sex with him? ...I would be a poor refuser.
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Post by flashjohn on Jun 28, 2019 12:03:19 GMT -5
He was kind of cool for a bit, stopped taking his T shots, and now sucks donkey balls again. I knew better. So he sucks the balls of donkeys, but won't fuck you? That is outrageous!
Sorry, I couldn't resist.
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Post by tirefire on Jun 28, 2019 21:50:19 GMT -5
He was kind of cool for a bit, stopped taking his T shots, and now sucks donkey balls again. I knew better. So he sucks the balls of donkeys, but won't fuck you? That is outrageous!
Sorry, I couldn't resist.
To each their own. It takes all kinds. I'm not a donkey balls guy but I try to be open minded.
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Post by saarinista on Jul 1, 2019 3:38:20 GMT -5
JMX, with all due respect to donkeys, if your h now sucks their testicles it could be better that he DOESN'T want to have sex because if you did, kissing him might be most unpleasant. 😱😳🐴
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Post by noregretz on Jul 1, 2019 5:38:45 GMT -5
JMX, with all due respect to donkeys, if your h now sucks their testicles it could be better that he DOESN'T want to have sex because if you did, kissing him might be most unpleasant. 😱😳🐴 😏
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