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Post by michael on Jun 21, 2019 21:59:28 GMT -5
Tonight I took my wife out for dinner. Cheap dinner, but still. I also bought her a new pair of shoes for her work. When we went to bed I felt her breast and she completely revoked me. Now I’m on the couch as usual. I really want to leave her. Well actually, I want her to leave me. We had talked about it earlier in the year. As far as talking with her goes. Like trying to pry open something. Half answers at best. Non answers a lot too. Seems like it’s not going to happen, for now anyways. Here’s my problem. I can’t stand the idea of her sleeping with someone else after we split if we did. The very idea drives me angry. Was it hard for others out there or was it easy to get over. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me but the idea, I’m angry right now just thinking about it.
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Post by baza on Jun 21, 2019 23:40:21 GMT -5
"If" you divorced, how she chose to conduct herself, and who she chose to associate with, and how she ran her sex life, would be none of your business Brother michael . Just as how - and who - you conducted yourself with "if" you got divorced would be none of her business.
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Post by JMX on Jun 22, 2019 0:39:39 GMT -5
I mean... you bought her shoes...
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Post by Handy on Jun 22, 2019 3:41:24 GMT -5
Michael I can’t stand the idea of her sleeping with someone else after we split if we did.
I can tell you, what you said shows you are at a beginning of a process and have a long way to go. After you have been in a sexless marriage long enough , you won't care much what your W does or doesn't do. Just give yourself enough time and you will start spending more time thinking about what you can change, not how to change your W.
Most of us start out like how you feel now and eventually get to a point of letting the past go.
Baza has the harsh truth, but it is the honest truth.
What you feel now is part of a process called "sunk cost" IE how much you invested and wishing there was a pay off for all of the effort you put into the relationship and something related to trying to protect your W and what she owes you based on assumed norms.
About "sunk costs" or your current investment. I have a cartoon about a guy taking his car to a shop for an estimate on some repairs. The mechanic or bodyman said it would cost $5,000 to fix the car and after he had the car repaired, the car would be worth $2,500. Pre repair the car's value was about $1,000.
Unless your W wants to be sexual with you and you are not doing things she dislikes, then it is up to her as to what she wants from the marriage. You can't make her feel a certain way you want her to feel towards you.
Sometimes "sunk costs" are like last month's phone bill, gone and the money is not recoverable.
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Post by Handy on Jun 22, 2019 3:44:47 GMT -5
JMX I mean... you bought her shoes...
I am guessing you are implying anything a H buys for his W does not entitle him to be sexual with his W?
Maybe you could expand on your answer to help Michael.
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Post by michael on Jun 22, 2019 4:49:09 GMT -5
I think people are misinterpreting what I’m asking. First, I’m not saying she owes me, but she didn’t have to be mean. I’ve given up on the idea of getting laid by her. That will never happen. I was just trying to hold her while getting what little I have left too. Touching her breast is all I’ve got anymore. If there is any output of energy then she is not doing it. She won’t even give me a peck on the check. Secondly, I wasn’t saying it’s my business. I was asking if it was hard to get over feelings of loss. I don’t hate her, I just miss who she used to be. It almost sounds like Baza took her side on the issue. Like she knew I’m ugly or a jerk of a husband anyways so I got what I deserved. I don’t think I’m either.
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 22, 2019 5:08:49 GMT -5
JMX I mean... you bought her shoes...I am guessing you are implying anything a H buys for his W does not entitle him to be sexual with his W? Maybe you could expand on your answer to help Michael. JMX, if you don't mind, I'll interject....buying someone shoes means they'll walk out on you....so come on what do you want from her " I mean... you bought her shoes"
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 22, 2019 5:20:24 GMT -5
Michael, you're not being misunderstood. You're NOT the negative things you mention either in her eyes.....ugly or a jerk. But you must face the fact she is checked out. The non answers are withheld replies she is afraid to vocalize because the words will hurt and she does care not to be cruel sounding. As crazy as it sounds she is holding on to hope you'll file for divorce and end this. If I'm wrong, go buy thd divorce package at an office store and bring it home offering an amicable split. Her reaction will answer all those currently unanswered questions. Note, see a lawyer first to see how you'll fare first....Baza advice none of us should ignore. But really, you'll be here nonths from now, no changes and more frustration. If no kids, leaving would have been an easy decision for most of us here. BTW. In time, youll HOPE she finds soneone to sleep with, you'll care less and less the more she rejects you or revokes....
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2019 7:26:32 GMT -5
I know I have read that you should be emotionally detached to be ready for a divorce. That means able to accept the idea of your spouse with another person. I stayed many, many years waiting to let my heart untangle from my then husband. He finally managed it, with very poor treatment and neglect. I got to a place where I no longer sexually desired him and even wished he would find another woman. I have been divorced coming up on a year. I still wish he would find another woman. The thought of it doesn't hurt, at least not much. It would actually relieve me of this burden I feel to care for him forever, even though we are divorced and living separately now.
Here's an example: my ex is having major surgery this fall. Guess who will be caring for him? Me. His mother even called me to ask if I would. Of course I will. He has no one else. Oh sure, he has lots and lots of drinking buddies. But they don't come around for events like surgery.
So, keep asking the hard questions. Keep researching. I can tell you that divorce hurts immensely, even when you have a neglectful or abusive spouse. I miss my ex. I miss my family. Hang in as long as you can.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jun 22, 2019 10:08:51 GMT -5
Divorce is not an easy process. Even though I was ready to leave, I mourned the loss of the relationship he and I had, and the loss of hope that it could be fixed and we'd be together forever. I feel like I did my best to try and make things work, but in the end I left and feel that it was the best option. We have an amicable relationship now, and see each other a few times a year because we still have friends in common. He is remarried and I do like her, she is a nice person. However...when he and new wife first met it was a few months after the divorce was final. Knowing that they met, and had sex (grapevine, haha) killed me inside. All I tried to do to fix things, to be supportive, concerned, the counseling, and he couldn't have sex with me? Yep, not a good feeling. Counseling helped, bitching to my best friend helped, and I eventually (rather quickly) worked through it because 1) I knew it would eventually happen, and 2) we are both on different paths now.
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DrNo
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by DrNo on Jun 23, 2019 13:32:13 GMT -5
You bought her shoes.
I do all the housework, all the gardening, buy her cars, buy her what she wants in fact, fly first class around the world countless times a year, holiday in the most amazing places, we never argue, I take her to incredible restaurants, buy her amazing clothes, try hard to see things from a working (her choice) “mothers” perspective, rather than a dads, yet am lucky to get any form of attention every six to eight weeks, and the length between is extending ..... I’m just saying it doesn’t matter what you buy or don’t, it’s about so much more than that. Some people’s sex drive just goes ..... I pretty much know I’m either 1. Divorce due to incompatible sex drives or 2. Stay and stfu
Oh and my wife is pretty much starfish only.
This forum is brilliant btw, especially Baza.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 23, 2019 14:44:29 GMT -5
Tonight I took my wife out for dinner. Cheap dinner, but still. I also bought her a new pair of shoes for her work. When we went to bed I felt her breast and she completely revoked me. Now I’m on the couch as usual. I really want to leave her. Well actually, I want her to leave me. We had talked about it earlier in the year. As far as talking with her goes. Like trying to pry open something. Half answers at best. Non answers a lot too. Seems like it’s not going to happen, for now anyways. Here’s my problem. I can’t stand the idea of her sleeping with someone else after we split if we did. The very idea drives me angry. Was it hard for others out there or was it easy to get over. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me but the idea, I’m angry right now just thinking about it. My thoughts. First was love languages. Yours and hers are very different. It sounds like you need Physical Touch and spending Quality Time. While your W needs Gifts and Acts of Service. ( a recipe for disaster) She certainly had her "love tank" filled while yours remains empty. You being revoked? Or her wanting the sympathy card of " you divorced me" look up DARVO. Then read about asexual. You will also discover that most people could care less about "who filled first". "Half answers at best. Non answers at best". Again, look up DARVO. shrink4men.com/2011/01/19/presto-change-o-darvo-deny-attack-and-reverse-victim-and-offender/As far as her sleeping with someone else? It most likely will never happen. If it does... feel sorry for the poor victim who got roped into " the bait and switch". Then be thankful that it's no longer you, and you are free. For me it was easy to get over, once my eyes were open to all the abuse I endured. I will not be fooled again. You need to start establishing boundaries. ( "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr Henry Cloud) Small steps, as you detach yourself from the negative. Detach yourself from a " taker"and find someone else who appreciates your giving ,by giving back to you. You deserve it!
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Post by Handy on Jun 23, 2019 15:38:53 GMT -5
Michael I can’t stand the idea of her sleeping with someone else after we split if we did. The very idea drives me angry. The following funny from another area of this forum, says it all. The sad part is your turn sounds as if it expired.
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Post by warmways on Jun 23, 2019 21:55:19 GMT -5
I think people are misinterpreting what I’m asking. First, I’m not saying she owes me, but she didn’t have to be mean. I’ve given up on the idea of getting laid by her. That will never happen. I was just trying to hold her while getting what little I have left too. Touching her breast is all I’ve got anymore. If there is any output of energy then she is not doing it. She won’t even give me a peck on the check. Secondly, I wasn’t saying it’s my business. I was asking if it was hard to get over feelings of loss. I don’t hate her, I just miss who she used to be. It almost sounds like Baza took her side on the issue. Like she knew I’m ugly or a jerk of a husband anyways so I got what I deserved. I don’t think I’m either I think I see what you’re saying. I divorced in February but left the house in August and did have a strong feeling of loss and sadness of what could have been and my hopes for the marriage and weirdly I missed the familiarity of it even though I was more miserable living in an emotionless and sexless marriage and he just avoided me. Gradually the feeling of loss does lessen and now it’s really loosening it’s grip and I’m beginning to feel better. Everybody is different in how they will feel after leaving and how long it takes and maybe most people may not feel the loss so strongly. For me, I would just hang in there during the sad periods and eventually you start feeling much better.
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Post by Handy on Jun 24, 2019 1:55:57 GMT -5
Michael, Baza lists truths and rarely if ever takes sides.
, I just miss who she used to be. This is so common. I think most of us miss who our spouse used to be or hoped what could be.
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