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Post by missma2019 on Jun 22, 2019 1:00:03 GMT -5
Missma said: “But I always felt that sex for him was a chore not something that he fully allows himself to fully get into.” You can’t change him. Nor can he change his interest in sex with you. You two are not sexually compatible. It’s up to you whether that’s a dealbreaker but The Talk, begging, attempting to seduce, etc. won’t change him. BTDT. I’m now 6 years out of my 34 year marriage and with a man who loves me as I experience love. If your man’s low desire bothered him, he’d be running to get medical help. You wouldn’t have to beg him. That’s the hard truth northstarmom. And I am realizing from reading everyone’s comments here that it’s not hope, it’s foolhardiness to take this kind of treatment over and over again. It breaks one down every second. I used to be a confident, attractive and sexy woman but the daily rejection makes you doubt yourself so much. It doesn’t matter what kind of confidence you have. Also the belief that communication sorts everything isn’t always true if that communication is one sided and in the end amounts to begging.
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Post by notdeadyet on Jun 22, 2019 15:50:22 GMT -5
To Sadkat, esp. when a man's member stops working right, the need to get off doesn't go away. Sometimes it intensifies! It's just more difficult (and more embarrassing) to try to get it in the right place. But most of us can still get aroused enough to come, and can even do so with a "limp willy". In such a sitch, an understanding spouse would make all the diff in the world, but they seem to be rare as unicorns. (If they weren't so rare, this forum wouldn't exist.) Masturbating together is not as satisfying as sex, but it's better than what you describe, but how many w's would go for that? Be honest...
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 22, 2019 16:07:34 GMT -5
“To Sadkat, esp. when a man's member stops working right, the need to get off doesn't go away. Sometimes it intensifies! It's just more difficult (and more embarrassing) to try to get it in the right place. But most of us can still get aroused enough to come, and can even do so with a "limp willy". In such a sitch, an understanding spouse would make all the diff in the world, but they seem to be rare as unicorns. (If they weren't so rare, this forum wouldn't exist.) Masturbating together is not as satisfying as sex, but it's better than what you describe....”
From what I’ve heard, the majority of men have some ED as they age. Also, as men age, they need hand or mouth stimulation to get hard. I learned this from books about sex and from women of mature age who like sex. Men who have major ED problems and like sex seek medical attention. Women who are with aging men and like sex include hand or oral stimulation of the man as part of foreplay.
Men and women who aren’t particularly fond of sex use the man’s ED problems as a reason to end sex permanently. I doubt that most men and women are like this, just the partners of the type of people who come here. If one is refused for such reasons it’s your choice about whether to seek a more willing and capable partner.
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Post by sadkat on Jun 22, 2019 18:09:38 GMT -5
notdeadyet- I’m not sure why you would especially direct this to me. I have no issues with ED if a partner truly wants intimacy with me. In my case, my partner decided that porn was more enjoyable than having a fulfilling sexual relationship with me. After many years of masturbating to porn, he could no longer get an erection any other way. Essentially, his porn use led to ED. After more than 20 years of having my sexual needs ignored, I am ready to move on.
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 23, 2019 20:01:15 GMT -5
ED does not have to be the end of intimacy, but it often is.
One of the women on another sexless marriage board has a husband with ED issues. They are looking for solutions. His desire is still there. They have tried a strap-on, and he does get enjoyment out of that between the pressure on his genitals and seeing his wife's response to his movements.
I don't think even the worst ED is a deal breaker if the desire is still there. Heck, on the flip side, if my wife had just said she did not like sex itself but was willing to be intimate with me in other ways, we could have made that work.
I have had ED issues. The longer I am out and the more active I am, the less they seem to affect me. I have never rolled over and given up. Worst case I have a talented mouth and hands. I just can't identify with anyone that gives up on such an important job just because one tool isn't working right.
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Post by Handy on Jun 23, 2019 21:00:49 GMT -5
Ed can mess with a woman's sex drive too. I have a neighbor that is good at oral. He was pleasing a neighbor woman but she wanted his cock. She was about ready to cum. When he said his cock didn't work, the fun was over.
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Post by missma2019 on Jun 24, 2019 10:25:30 GMT -5
ED does not have to be the end of intimacy, but it often is. One of the women on another sexless marriage board has a husband with ED issues. They are looking for solutions. His desire is still there. They have tried a strap-on, and he does get enjoyment out of that between the pressure on his genitals and seeing his wife's response to his movements. I don't think even the worst ED is a deal breaker if the desire is still there. Heck, on the flip side, if my wife had just said she did not like sex itself but was willing to be intimate with me in other ways, we could have made that work. I have had ED issues. The longer I am out and the more active I am, the less they seem to affect me. I have never rolled over and given up. Worst case I have a talented mouth and hands. I just can't identify with anyone that gives up on such an important job just because one tool isn't working right. I honestly would be very willing to deal with ED issues if there’s still a desire to connect and be intimate in other ways. And I have. H some years back before we figured that it was the onset of depression had serious ED issues. I was quite patient and understanding (although as a woman, you can feel extremely rejected when try as you may, the spear doesn’t shoot straight to the target). And at that point, he also made numerous effort with communicating and connecting in other ways. These days it’s zero interest and zero effort. I don’t know what’s going on on the other side, all I know is that I am wasting away from sexual deprivation and emotional abandonment...we have a “date” tomorrow because he is concerned about my “bad mood” and despite my regular communication, he seems not to know “what’s wrong”. I am determined not to yet again for the umpteenth time discuss (read not to beg for intimacy ever again) the state of our SM and simply explore my quickly forming decision to move on somehow and find satisfaction alone or with someone else. Wish me luck.
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Post by sadkat on Jun 24, 2019 15:01:43 GMT -5
missma2019- Definitely- zero interest and zero effort can be so very demoralizing. Especially to those of us who crave (and thrive on) physical affection. It’s been said here before but bears repeating- it’s not really just about sex. It’s more about the intimacy and affection that tends to fall away when sex is off the table. Forgive me if we mentioned this before but, have you thought about seeing a therapist? You might learn about techniques that will help you address these issues with your h. Before making that final decision to leave, it is worth your while to make sure you’ve done everything you can to save the marriage. If you get to that point (where you are confident you can do nothing else to save the marriage), you’ll find it easier to leave. Don’t get me wrong- regardless of how convinced you are that you must leave- it is excruciatingly difficult to do so.
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firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by firefollower on Jun 24, 2019 17:02:23 GMT -5
ED can be physical but also mental as well. As a man, thoughts sometimes creep in that can affect the quality of an erection or eliminate it entirely. I never had ED problems until one time with my wife she confided that PIV really does nothing for her...doesn't feel bad or good...she can take it leave it...she needed direct clitoral stimulation and PIV did not achieve that for her. She would use her hand or mouth on me and I would get hard again. Ever since her comment, I could be raging hard but as soon as I entered her the thoughts came back about her comment and I would go flaccid...against my wishes.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jun 24, 2019 18:29:20 GMT -5
ED can be physical but also mental as well. As a man, thoughts sometimes creep in that can affect the quality of an erection or eliminate it entirely. I never had ED problems until one time with my wife she confided that PIV really does nothing for her...doesn't feel bad or good...she can take it leave it...she needed direct clitoral stimulation and PIV did not achieve that for her. She would use her hand or mouth on me and I would get hard again. Ever since her comment, I could be raging hard but as soon as I entered her the thoughts came back about her comment and I would go flaccid...against my wishes. My W's comment was, "You can ask for it more often - I don't hate it quite so much anymore". (sarcasm) If that don't give you a raging hardon, nothing will!
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 24, 2019 19:27:26 GMT -5
My W's comment was, "You can ask for it more often - I don't hate it quite so much anymore". (sarcasm) If that don't give you a raging hardon, nothing will! This would have come under the heading of foreplay toward the end of my marriage. One of the more positive responses was a heavy sigh when I tried to initiate, unless of coarse it was quarterly reset time.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2019 15:20:16 GMT -5
In my own experience, a partner that is intimacy avoidant is an intractable situation. ED is a cakewalk by comparison. There are very deep, core issues that made them that way. Talking about issues is painful, sexual intimacy is a violation, a passionate kiss is a transgression. It isn't you but it is you and them. If you need a close, intimate relationship you will not get it with an avoidant personality. They have to be willing to "work on it" with a therapist but the reality is that even talking to a therapist about things behind their avoidant behaviors is too frightening.
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Post by missma2019 on Jun 28, 2019 9:43:52 GMT -5
In my own experience, a partner that is intimacy avoidant is an intractable situation. ED is a cakewalk by comparison. There are very deep, core issues that made them that way. Talking about issues is painful, sexual intimacy is a violation, a passionate kiss is a transgression. It isn't you but it is you and them. If you need a close, intimate relationship you will not get it with an avoidant personality. They have to be willing to "work on it" with a therapist but the reality is that even talking to a therapist about things behind their avoidant behaviors is too frightening. Oh my goodness, this is so telling. When I attempt to discuss our sexual (or lack of) issues, H becomes aggressive and impossibly defensive. He acts as if I am blaming him and he gaslights me so bad that I almost believe that I am crazy and must be imagining things. But sometimes though he appears terrified and scare and he even trembles. It’s almost heartbreaking to see. I realize that I might never get the intimacy I need and I can’t stand it.
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Post by elynne on Jun 28, 2019 21:55:18 GMT -5
ED does not have to be the end of intimacy, but it often is. One of the women on another sexless marriage board has a husband with ED issues. They are looking for solutions. His desire is still there. They have tried a strap-on, and he does get enjoyment out of that between the pressure on his genitals and seeing his wife's response to his movements. I don't think even the worst ED is a deal breaker if the desire is still there. Heck, on the flip side, if my wife had just said she did not like sex itself but was willing to be intimate with me in other ways, we could have made that work. I have had ED issues. The longer I am out and the more active I am, the less they seem to affect me. I have never rolled over and given up. Worst case I have a talented mouth and hands. I just can't identify with anyone that gives up on such an important job just because one tool isn't working right. I honestly would be very willing to deal with ED issues if there’s still a desire to connect and be intimate in other ways. And I have. H some years back before we figured that it was the onset of depression had serious ED issues. I was quite patient and understanding (although as a woman, you can feel extremely rejected when try as you may, the spear doesn’t shoot straight to the target). And at that point, he also made numerous effort with communicating and connecting in other ways. These days it’s zero interest and zero effort. I don’t know what’s going on on the other side, all I know is that I am wasting away from sexual deprivation and emotional abandonment...we have a “date” tomorrow because he is concerned about my “bad mood” and despite my regular communication, he seems not to know “what’s wrong”. I am determined not to yet again for the umpteenth time discuss (read not to beg for intimacy ever again) the state of our SM and simply explore my quickly forming decision to move on somehow and find satisfaction alone or with someone else. Wish me luck. Good luck!!! How did it go?
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larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jul 1, 2019 17:33:15 GMT -5
Sorry to hear about your SM. I have some questions
Do you have children? If so what ages? How long have you been married? Was sex/intimicy frequent in the past (put in terms of x per month) ? How often is sex now? Or when was last time if it's been very long time?
As for porn, depending on how saavy he is, he might be covering his tracks.
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