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Post by missma2019 on Jun 20, 2019 14:39:22 GMT -5
Just found this from another platform and been going through the threads and nodding at almost everything. So much to relate to.
I’m simply sexually frustrated with H but there are much more deeper issues than this. The first or the one that bothers me the most - he spends each night downstairs on the sofa and only comes to bed at 2 or 3 or 4. Every damn day. We don’t have sex anymore. Before things went to the dogs, he was depressed for almost a year and he would get absolutely no erection. It was the most frustrating time of my life and draining, dealing with both the depression and for me propping him up every time his willy would deflate, leaving me feeling completely less of a woman for it. But I always felt that sex for him was a chore not something that he fully allows himself to fully get into. Me on the other hand I am interested in the connection and the intimacy on a physical and emotional level in equal measure. My drive is high.
A year ago I underwent a lumpectomy and also reduced my rather large breasts as I had suffered a lifetime of extreme back and neck pain. Since then, H’s interest has reduced from a partly 40% to a minuscule 1.3% and that’s being generous. I have also had some suspicion that he might be interested in men but... Besides the sex, I am extremely passionate with everything I do and I like to get the most out of life. H on the other hand is happy to scrape by and whine about everything that’s not going well. I feel little attraction to him and I am sure he to me, feel that we have nothing in common anymore and I have discussed just ending the marriage coz I want more out of life. He strongly doesn’t want to end it but I can tell he doesn’t care in the way partners should. He provides (we have equal incomes) but there’s no challenge, we don’t want the same things in life anymore and we don’t make each other happy. But life is otherwise fine. The lack of sex or emotional connection destroys me every day and feeling completely undesired, unwanted is breaking me down. I have had the thought of getting sex elsewhere but I need to establish an intellectual and emotional connection first which takes time plus I’d hate to have the same done to me but I am tired of this forced celibacy. I am 40 and want to live fully. PS. We have done counseling and I talk and talk and articulate my concerns but I am blue in the face and it’s not cute anymore.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 20, 2019 14:45:15 GMT -5
Welcome and sorry you needed to find this forum.
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Post by sadkat on Jun 20, 2019 19:52:56 GMT -5
What is he doing on the sofa until 2,3,4 am?? I had the same issues with my h early on in my sexless marriage. He was into porn and would spend many hours in front of a computer. I kept hoping things would resolve. It only got worse. Here I am 20 years later with no resolution to his porn habit. Take a look at my profile if you want details. Does this apply to your situation?
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 20, 2019 21:01:17 GMT -5
What is he doing on the sofa until 2,3,4 am?? I had the same issues with my h early on in my sexless marriage. He was into porn and would spend many hours in front of a computer. I kept hoping things would resolve. It only got worse. Here I am 20 years later with no resolution to his porn habit. Take a look at my profile if you want details. Does this apply to your situation? Your guess that he's all into porn, certainly has merit. However I've also witnessed my teenage boys NOT spending their late hours viewing porn, but instead addicted to video games! Playing for hours ( day and night) against other people around the world ( league of legends) Eventually you will come to the reality that his WHY is no longer important. Instead your WHY will matter much more. WHY do I tolerate this? Why don't I start over?
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Post by baza on Jun 20, 2019 21:28:54 GMT -5
If you end up choosing the (perfectly legitimate) cheating option Sister missma2019 , it will be a game changer. The problem is, this game change can fly off at wildly unpredictable tangents, and not many of them are under your control. It's probably best to look at the "worst case scenario" and how you might manage that, should that be the outcome. What would you regard as the "worst case scenario" ?
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Post by jim44444 on Jun 20, 2019 21:54:34 GMT -5
missma2019, you said The reality is that you are forcing celibacy upon yourself. It is your choice to remain celibate or to enjoy your sexuality with someone else.
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 21, 2019 3:05:52 GMT -5
What is he doing on the sofa until 2,3,4 am?? I had the same issues with my h early on in my sexless marriage. He was into porn and would spend many hours in front of a computer. I kept hoping things would resolve. It only got worse. Here I am 20 years later with no resolution to his porn habit. Take a look at my profile if you want details. Does this apply to your situation? Your guess that he's all into porn, certainly has merit. However I've also witnessed my teenage boys NOT spending their late hours viewing porn, but instead addicted to video games! Playing for hours ( day and night) against other people around the world ( league of legends) Eventually you will come to the reality that his WHY is no longer important. Instead your WHY will matter much more. WHY do I tolerate this? Why don't I start over? I worked a rotating shift. Whenever I was on first, getting up early, my ex would stay up late, sitting on the couch playing on social media platforms. When I was on second shift, she would be cozily asleep when I got home and I could not wake her. Whatever the excuse, whether porn or video games or math story problems, the reason may simply be that they are intentionally avoiding intimacy.
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Post by missma2019 on Jun 21, 2019 3:17:46 GMT -5
What is he doing on the sofa until 2,3,4 am?? I had the same issues with my h early on in my sexless marriage. He was into porn and would spend many hours in front of a computer. I kept hoping things would resolve. It only got worse. Here I am 20 years later with no resolution to his porn habit. Take a look at my profile if you want details. Does this apply to your situation? Honestly, it would be almost better if he was watching porn as this would insinuate some interest in sex at all but he isn’t. I have checked and checked. He watches YouTube videos and soccer games on TV and then he sleeps on the sofa the rest of the time. The idea is to stay far away from me it seems. When I stay downstairs, he will quickly pretend to be asleep faster than he normally does...
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Post by missma2019 on Jun 21, 2019 3:24:36 GMT -5
Your guess that he's all into porn, certainly has merit. However I've also witnessed my teenage boys NOT spending their late hours viewing porn, but instead addicted to video games! Playing for hours ( day and night) against other people around the world ( league of legends) Eventually you will come to the reality that his WHY is no longer important. Instead your WHY will matter much more. WHY do I tolerate this? Why don't I start over? I worked a rotating shift. Whenever I was on first, getting up early, my ex would stay up late, sitting on the couch playing on social media platforms. When I was on second shift, she would be cozily asleep when I got home and I could not wake her. Whatever the excuse, whether porn or video games or math story problems, the reason may simply be that they are intentionally avoiding intimacy. This is probably the case. That he is avoiding intimacy. In the morning he will wake up and want to hug and cuddle but that’s his way of fake-intimacy because he knows that we both have to get up and get kids ready for school and us for work so there’s “no time” for real connection let alone sex. I find it manipulative and cruel and I have said it. I have to take a step for me in some direction.
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 21, 2019 3:30:15 GMT -5
missma2019, I am glad you have found your way here, but sorry that you have the sort of problem the rest of us do. My ex was avoidant also. I wish I had good news for you about how to fix this. I don't. I think you are at the point where you can look at this honestly and figure out where to go from here. You can talk to them, talk with them, have them talk to counselors, but, in the end, if they don't want to change you can't make them change.
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Post by missma2019 on Jun 21, 2019 3:37:03 GMT -5
missma2019, you said [quote)I’d hate to have the same done to me but I am tired of this forced celibacy. (/quote) The reality is that you are forcing celibacy upon yourself. It is your choice to remain celibate or to enjoy your sexuality with someone else. You are right jim44444. I feel completely trapped. I wanted to make it work, I know very well that for the marriage to work it is only 50% my responsibility and the other 50 isn’t in my control. But I am certain that sex is fundamental to my wellbeing in this marriage and as a woman so I have to rethink everything as a whole and make that call. Why can’t people appreciate the joy of connecting completely with another? Perhaps they are already connected to somebody/something else and that need has already been met??
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 21, 2019 6:26:12 GMT -5
If there is little in the way of intimacy in other forms your H could be intimacy averse or have such a low libido that it just doesn't occur to him. He simple has little or no desire for intimacy. His testosterone levels will be highest in the mornings, so he may feel more affectionate then. And as the day progresses and he burns off what testosterone he has his libido will naturally fall away. But evening he will have no desire at all. So other things easily capture his attention. If he is taking medication for depression that medication may also be affecting his libido. That's a common side effect. Might be time for a check up and to have his hormones checked. Also look up his medication on the internet and see what potential side effects are. As for why can't people appreciate the joy of connection completely with another person? If we could find the answer to that question most of us would not need to be here.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 21, 2019 10:10:20 GMT -5
missma2019, building on worksforme2’s point, there’s value in H getting his testosterone levels checked. And then, realize that for some men being on the lower end of “normal” may be too low for them - the range is wide. If it’s anywhere close, it could be worth trying a boost to see if it improves things.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 21, 2019 10:37:12 GMT -5
Missma said: “But I always felt that sex for him was a chore not something that he fully allows himself to fully get into.”
You can’t change him. Nor can he change his interest in sex with you. You two are not sexually compatible. It’s up to you whether that’s a dealbreaker but The Talk, begging, attempting to seduce, etc. won’t change him. BTDT. I’m now 6 years out of my 34 year marriage and with a man who loves me as I experience love.
If your man’s low desire bothered him, he’d be running to get medical help. You wouldn’t have to beg him.
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Post by Handy on Jun 21, 2019 16:37:39 GMT -5
issma Why can’t people appreciate the joy of connecting completely with another? Perhaps they are already connected to somebody/something else and that need has already been met??
Often the problem is resentments for who knows what.
Resentments build over time. If this sexlessness goes on long enough, you will most likely resent your H for even trying to be sexual with you. ?That is how it plays out on this forum many times. The refused (you) becomes the refuser. And it has at its core resentments.
So the question is, is there anything your H resents?
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