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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 10, 2019 6:59:33 GMT -5
If you visited 20 therapists, paid 100.00 to each, you'd still not have received the quality advice provided you here in the past 24 hours.
You now know what to do. You now know what to stop doing.
BTW your looks have nothing to do with this issue therefore no change will make a difference. But just in case you are still floundering with indecision, take these replies seriously. This advisement is from years of aggregated experiences. Next steps..it's now your move:
1- see lawyer, file and end this mess- do H a favor in the meantime. 2-stop Facebook guy for now....this goes nowhere either...you're just desperate. We all understand. 3-Lose some weight if this makes you feel more confident, hanging with H tells us you lack healthy confidence thus destined to repeat, repeat, repeat. 4- stop posting or anything further that displays wealth. You'll never know who to trust.
BTW- not that he is a bad guy, most of our spouses are not. But he's just a putz, no zest for life and not a thing you can about it EVER.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 10, 2019 8:10:55 GMT -5
Chooky said: “I tend to automatically pay for things, I don’t talk about the money itself but, for example, we live in a nice house that my mum, dad and aunt helped pay for.”
Don’t automatically pay for things. That just attracts leeches to you. It makes decent people feel uncomfortable. Select things to do that both of you can afford even if that means going to less high priced things than you’d prefer.
I have a friend of 50 years who always insisted on going to expensive places and paying. I hate that. It makes me feel like a charity case. Only reason I go is she lives far away and I see her only about once every 10 years when I visit her for a couple of days. I try to make things up by sending her expensive flowers after I return home. Interestingly, she’s in a sexless relationship. She isn’t into sex. Her partner regrets this but is trapped by the lifestyle. My friend showers her partner with expensive gifts like a Mercedes and a trip onthe Queen Mary.
My friend is very controlling and sometimes says things designed to put me down because I am not as wealthy. For instance, when I told her I was lucky and got bumped to business class on an overseas trip, she expressed surprise that I always fly coach. When bought a t-shirt to bring to my secretary, my friend made fun of my gift for being “cheap.”
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I suspect you are using your money to control your partner because you think that’s all you have to offer. Your partner and others resent this but stick around due to your largess.
Therapy could help.
Do you have a job? Do volunteer work? What makes you fulfilled and gives you purpose?
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Post by Chooky on Jun 10, 2019 8:59:20 GMT -5
Chooky said: “I tend to automatically pay for things, I don’t talk about the money itself but, for example, we live in a nice house that my mum, dad and aunt helped pay for.” Don’t automatically pay for things. That just attracts leeches to you. It makes decent people feel uncomfortable. Select things to do that both of you can afford even if that means going to less high class things than you’d prefer. I have a friend of 50 years who always insisted on going to expensive places and paying. I hate that. It makes me feel like a charity case. Only reason I go is she lives far away and I see her only about once every 10 years when I visit her for a couple of days. I tryers after I return home. Interestingly, she’s in a sexless relationship. She isn’t into sex. Her partner regrets this but is trapped by the lifestyle. My friend showers her partner with expensive gifts like a Mercedes and s trip in the Queen Mary. My friend is very controlling. I suspect you are using your money to control your partner because you think that’s all you have to offer. Your partner and others resent this. Therapy could help. Do you have a job? Do volunteer work? What makes you fulfilled and gives you purpose? My H doesn’t ask for things to be fair, he is drawing down on his own ‘pot’ but his is finite whilst mine is invested with returns. I care for my mum as her carer as she has mental health issues, is 80 with limited mobility and can’t really do much for herself anymore. Before that I cared for my aunt and my mum, and before that I cared for my dad, my aunt and my mum. Before that I worked in a basic admin position and dad got diagnosed with his brain tumour just before I got made redundant.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 10, 2019 13:54:17 GMT -5
While caring for family is admirable and a good thing to do, I'm not reading that much about you caring for your needs or getting your needs carried for, which should your husband's role.
Your needs are just as important as everyone else's.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 10, 2019 15:11:40 GMT -5
BTW, Chooky... while this thread is hot and heavy with some strong opinions, do realize that nobody here is attacking you personally. It’s more like an ice bucket challenge to get you to reevaluate what you’ve come to see as normal.
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Post by Chooky on Jun 10, 2019 15:39:13 GMT -5
BTW, Chooky... while this thread is hot and heavy with some strong opinions, do realize that nobody here is attacking you personally. It’s more like an ice bucket challenge to get you to reevaluate what you’ve come to see as normal. If I’m honest I have been feeling a bit like that with this thread
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Post by Handy on Jun 10, 2019 16:02:13 GMT -5
Chooky, I may have been a bit crude in some of my advise. I did it to illustrate what I consider as normal and not to shock you or be critical.
Right now I think you are too generous towards others and a bit too hard on yourself. In many ways this is very common with a majority of our fellow ILIASM members. We give, hoping it will trigger others to give back in some fashion.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 10, 2019 17:15:34 GMT -5
If I’m honest I have been feeling a bit like that with this thread I get it, which why I commented. A great number of us come here with a distorted view of reality - everything from what’s normal, to whether we’re worthy / attractive / desirable enough, to where the real issues lie. Years of reinforcement can effectively program someone with a very different reality. It can be uncomfortable to hear, but I encourage you to consider the feedback you get here. While we only see the picture you paint, the comments here might be the most impartial advice you’ll get.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 10, 2019 17:29:16 GMT -5
Handy said: “Right now I think you are too generous towards others and a bit too hard on yourself. In many ways this is very common with a majority of our fellow ILIASM members. We give, hoping it will trigger others to give back in some fashion.”
I agree. I am sure you have more to offer others than your monetary generosity. I also think you can expect more from others and cut them loose if you are in a relationship that consists only of your giving and them taking. You needn’t be gorgeous or slim or generous with your funds to be treated well.
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Post by Chooky on Jun 11, 2019 2:44:13 GMT -5
Okay so an apology........ I did take offence to some posts here, I guess I don’t take criticism well and sometimes see criticism where none was intended 🤔
Update: had a heart to heart last night with H (the most recent of many) but basically said that within the next three months I had to see a turnaround in his life.....looking for a job, continuing his progress around the house (he had started to help in the house which confused me I think as in my head I sort of had a valid reason to then be angry at him and not just about sex) so he’s said he’s realised that he has been a bit of a s**t. We’re going to try to do some more things together and he’s going to make steps towards getting his weight down. In retrospect I possibly pulled away from him as I didn’t want to be tactile with someone who, to all intents and purposes, didn’t act like a husband. I likened it to an old boyfriend working away for a year and when I finally saw him again he wanted to resume sex straight way and I was terrified. I’ve felt my flesh crawl with H when he’s taken my hand, I’ve explained to him that I need a bit more time spent together and human touch needs to be more regular as it feels a bit alien to me just now. We slept in the same bed last night - just sleep - but I didn’t shrink away when I accidentally brushed against him. All in all he’s seen how frustrated I am (well I hope it’s not just lip service). Mr Facebook - has been messaging and doing some chasing but I’ve not messaged much myself....... going to keep him at bay. I still find him extremely attractive and feel like I’m going to burst if/when I think of him. Part of me maybe thinks that if he chases me then I’d maybe know that it’s not a cash thing? Don’t know, at the moment my heads all over the place
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Post by Handy on Jun 11, 2019 4:21:15 GMT -5
I commend you for having the talk and hopefully working out a few things.
Things will be awkward for a while so do not be disappointed if some things don't work right away. Some things not going smoothly is normal.
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Post by baza on Jun 11, 2019 4:48:59 GMT -5
Your most recent post - above - reads like you are taking a far more pro-active position Sister Chooky , which is a good thing as these situations do not usually work themselves out. And, setting a 3 month deadline is also smart. Your spouse could be well underway on his work on his assorted issues by then. That's up to him. You could be well prepared with your legal advice, exit strategy etc by then too .... and be ready for whatever happens (or doesn't happen) at the expiration of those 90 days. That's up to you.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 11, 2019 8:53:46 GMT -5
I'm glad you had the talk and set a deadline. What did you decide would be there result if the requirements were not meant? Is it something you will stick with?
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 11, 2019 9:04:25 GMT -5
Chooky: “looking for a job, continuing his progress around the house (he had started to help in the house which confused me I think as in my head I sort of had a valid reason to then be angry at him and not just about sex) so he’s said he’s realised that he has been a bit of a s**t. W”
It’s a good start. You might want to be more specific if only in your mind. If he applied for one job a week is that enough? Washes dishes one night?
Personally I think that 3 months is enough time for you to expect him to get a job even if that job is doing weekly lawn care for one household. It is easy for a lazy person to fake job hunting. Results are what counts.
I also suggest divvying up the household tasks. You could decide this together and then each have your own household responsibilities.
Meanwhile, see a lawyer to find out your rights. Seeing a therapist could give you the confidence and self respect to hold firm on ultimatum.
You have a lot of responsibility for your mom. Could paid help relive you of some of this stress?
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Post by Chooky on Jun 11, 2019 12:36:26 GMT -5
Chooky: “looking for a job, continuing his progress around the house (he had started to help in the house which confused me I think as in my head I sort of had a valid reason to then be angry at him and not just about sex) so he’s said he’s realised that he has been a bit of a s**t. W” It’s a good start. You might want to be more specific if only in your mind. If he applied for one job a week is that enough? Washes dishes one night? Personally I think that 3 months is enough time for you to expect him to get a job even if that job is doing weekly lawn care for one household. It is easy for a lazy person to fake job hunting. Results are what counts. I also suggest divvying up the household tasks. You could decide this together and then each have your own household responsibilities. Meanwhile, see a lawyer to find out your rights. Seeing a therapist could give you the confidence and self respect to hold firm on ultimatum. You have a lot of responsibility for your mom. Coupdbpaid help relive you of some of this stress? Where I live she gets free personal care and respite and daycare it’s more trying to ‘socialise’ her as have noticed a huge difference since we’ve started taking her out a lot more. We have a rota, recently implemented, which he’s starting to adhere to brick is nice
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