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Post by Chooky on Jun 8, 2019 10:12:08 GMT -5
Glad to have found somewhere with people who understand what im going through. So….my last relationship was very sexual, at least 4x a day when we were with each other. Probably not a ‘normal’ relationship as deteriorated into emotionally and sexually abusive – but by that time I was hooked on the sex. He dumped me and a few months later I met now hubby. He was a virgin, and rather small of size but large of body girth (I’m somewhat chunky too although am trying to lose the weight). We never had satisfactory sex (he’d play with me but he could never come with me which I took to be a personal insult). Moved in together a year after meeting, the day after he proposed. One week later my dad was diagnosed with a massive brain tumour and was understandably heartbroken. I’d ask for a hug for comfort and he’d take that to mean I wanted sex, I started pushing him away as sex was the last thing on my mind. We married four months later and never consummated the marriage. Since then he’s never contributed financially or towards housework while I cared for my dad until he died, then my aunt until she died, and now my mum. (I will say that he is good with my mum and can be very kind with her). He has a poor sense of when’s appropriate to grab me and does so roughly…for example if I make an effort to hug him he can’t resist reaching round to grab my breasts, even if this is the first physical contact we’ve had in weeks/months. We sleep in separate rooms due to how much room he takes up in the bed and his snoring (I’m well aware how much of a bitch I sound). He’s frequently said my size is the issue where I’ve had sex with plenty of men who’ve never found my ‘size’ to be an issue (I’m like a US14) and I struggle to bite my tongue about his lack of penis size being an issue as I know this isn’t a nice thing to say. I’ve never actually said this. We attend counselling and he’s finally starting to make an effort to help in the house (although not to work, I suspect he sees my independent wealth as a meal ticket). I’ve brought up repeatedly how frustrated I am with the lack of sex, I think I’ve lost all respect for him but I still love him. He is depressed and has only recently seen a doctor for this but it might have gone too far? I don’t see a man that I fancy. An additional issue is that I’m very submissive and wild in a sexual relationship and I’ve tried asking me to hold me down etc, he just giggles. I had thought experience would have improved things but he’s not interested in practicing. I recently got in touch through Facebook with an ex from 17 years ago, we had a solely sexual relationship and have chatted every day, just chatting, no pics etc but I will say that the conversation has turned sexual with stating how frustrated we both are (he’s single), reminiscing about how we regret how things ended and how we remember what things were like together. I’ve been 110% honest to this man that I’m married but he’s astounded at how long my dry spell is. I’m like a schoolgirl checking my messages and fantasise about meeting up with him for a fling. I’m now subtly hinting to him that a re-enactment of our last meeting would be enjoyed by all and can’t help but hope that he reciprocates and propositions me. I really don’t want to hurt my husband (I’ll repeat that I still love him) but I’m really torn. I’m only 36 and keep screaming that I don’t want to die without having sex again. It’s making me feel so ashamed of something I used to love (and be good at) and it’s affecting how attractive I feel. I’m starting to really lose weight (on purpose) and have started a programme of Botox, exercise, lip fillers and have just booked in to get my nipple pierced. I’m aware I’m doing this to feel attractive, not necessarily just to him.
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Post by Chooky on Jun 8, 2019 10:14:28 GMT -5
Sorry should have mentioned that it’ll be our fourth wedding anniversary in September, together for five years.
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Post by southerngirl on Jun 8, 2019 10:33:44 GMT -5
Um. Did I write this post??? So many similarities but I won’t go into them now. Just wanted to say that I was exactly where you are when I was 36 only I had two kids at that point. I chose to stay for very complicated reasons and now, at 52, I’m still in a sexless marriage and more miserable than ever. The big difference between us though is that I don’t love him at all anymore. Hell, I really can’t stand him. Any love I ever felt has been replaced with anger, resentment, and bitterness. Not in a good place emotionally right now and struggling to come up with an exit plan that is even remotely possible. Don’t let your situation turn into mine. Finding love again IS possible and the reality of fixing your relationship is not likely. Sorry. But I wish someone had told me that sixteen years ago.
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Post by Chooky on Jun 8, 2019 10:55:04 GMT -5
Um. Did I write this post??? So many similarities but I won’t go into them now. Just wanted to say that I was exactly where you are when I was 36 only I had two kids at that point. I chose to stay for very complicated reasons and now, at 52, I’m still in a sexless marriage and more miserable than ever. The big difference between us though is that I don’t love him at all anymore. Hell, I really can’t stand him. Any love I ever felt has been replaced with anger, resentment, and bitterness. Not in a good place emotionally right now and struggling to come up with an exit plan that is even remotely possible. Don’t let your situation turn into mine. Finding love again IS possible and the reality of fixing your relationship is not likely. Sorry. But I wish someone had told me that sixteen years ago. Thank you for replying. I’m just so scared, we go to counselling and have told the counsellor how frustrated I am but maybe I didn’t shout it loud enough?! Wondering how to go from here, this man I’m talking to has said the following: So my parents had a hotel when we were together, he was saying how he never got to stay in the actual hotel and I said oh but you got the preferred option, he said if it ever reopened then he’d be up for a repeat visit but I have no clue if he’s being not so subtle about saying he’d be game or if he’d run for the hills, I remember him being shy and not putting in the first move..... I also told him I felt guilty about how we were chatting and he said no need it’s not like we’re sexting?!?! He was saying about how he’s poor during the uni holidays and did I know anyone who wanted a gigolo (jokingly) I said no he’s stuck with me, he then said can I afford and I told him I had a Kirby grip down the sofa I could pay with....which got onto me saying that I like a man with short hair but long enough to run my fingers through, he was all ‘oh it just so happens I need a trim’ Can’t even discuss with my friends as scared they’d mention to hubby! I keep thinking about this man, for example I’ve booked some cruises for next year with hubby (responding to bereavement I think) and he’s complaining about having to dress smart. I keep thinking about this other man and how he’d be like a James Bond alike and I get so turned on, now feeling like I’m on permanent heat!
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 8, 2019 11:53:25 GMT -5
What do you find loveable about him and worth saving in your marriage? Your post didn’t describe much worth holding onto.
One of the most important things I learned during my 34 year marriage was I can’t make someone love me the way I want. If a man doesn’t want to fuck me I can’t make him. He also can’t make himself desire me. Once I realized that I divorced and now have been for 6 years with a man who loves me and sexually desires me.
It took me til I was 60 to let go of my marriage. Unlike you, I didn’t find this site (actually its precurser Experience Project) until after I divorced. You are lucky. You have the benefit of the advice and info here while you are still young.
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Post by Handy on Jun 8, 2019 13:20:29 GMT -5
Kirby grip = Bobby pins in the USA
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 8, 2019 16:09:04 GMT -5
Chooky, it seems (reasonably so) that you are both anxious about the relationship with your husband, and drawn to / confused by this other guy. First, your marriage. To clarify, have you never consummated the marriage in 4 years? Regardless, he sounds very emotionally immature, and unsupportive emotionally / financially / domestically. The thing to distinguish is that it’s possible to have deep love *for* someone, but not be romantically *in* love with them. Family (or even a pet) is a great example of this. Nothing you’ve described so far is very redeeming about your husband. Just because you’re independently wealthy doesn’t excuse him from being productive and supportive, or contributing to your household and relationship. That behavior reflects on his personal work ethic and empathy. If you were to step back and take an objective look, why did you get involved with him in the first place and then marry him? Was he ever deserving, or did something in your past blind you to his behavior? How has that changed?
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 8, 2019 17:19:36 GMT -5
I'm going to be firm and give you a reality check. He doesn't want to fuck you and nothing you do will make him want to fuck you how you want to be fucked.
Just get out now. You currently don't have any kids, which allows for a quick divorce in most states. I would strongly advise against cheating, you don't want to risk giving him any ammo if things go south during the divorce.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 8, 2019 17:45:02 GMT -5
In some jurisdictions, if you are married 10 or more years, in a divorce, assets and debts have to be split 50:50. Your marriage is no marriage. He may be hanging around for your money. Delaying divorce may mean you have to give him lots of your money or pay alimony. Talk to a divorce lawyer to learn your rights and responsibilities.
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Post by baza on Jun 8, 2019 19:24:07 GMT -5
Your story reads like the sex is just one of the problems Sister Chooky . Your husband comes across as a complete dud, a financial leech, insensitive and childish. Compared to him, Mr "OldFacebrookFriend" probably looks like a knight in shining armour - a potential saviour to your problem. He probably isn't. I think the solution to your problem is "neither of the above". If you are going to get this situation resolved it will come down to you making some very challenging choices. Bringing your marriage to an orderly conclusion appears to be advisable as a single issue. Then perhaps, some time alone to reflect on how things have gone up to now, and what direction you want your life to go from now on would be in order. In any event, I don't think the answer is going to come from your husband. Nor is the answer likely to come from Mr OldFacebookFriend. The answer is going to come from you.
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Post by Chooky on Jun 9, 2019 0:31:01 GMT -5
In some jurisdictions, if you are married 10 or more years, in a divorce, assets and debts have to be split 50:50. Your marriage is no marriage. He may be hanging around for your money. Delaying divorce may mean you have to give him lots of your money or pay alimony. Talk to a divorce lawyer to learn your rights and responsibilities. I had an appointment with the financial advisor and it seems that since my money is an inherited wealth, it doesn’t fall under marital assets which is a relief.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 9, 2019 0:55:15 GMT -5
I had an appointment with the financial advisor and it seems that since my money is an inherited wealth, it doesn’t fall under marital assets which is a relief. Your financial advisor is likely correct, but you really need to be asking a divorce lawyer in your jurisdiction. The law is full of nuances. Even if your inheritance is protected, you’re acting as sole breadwinner which can translate to a lot of alimony to him to maintain his current lifestyle, and you can be required to maintain a large life insurance policy for his benefit at your expense. Time is the thing that triggers these. Ask a pro. The initial consultation is often free, too.
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Post by Chooky on Jun 9, 2019 1:06:45 GMT -5
He’s 41 next month, I’m 36 So the relationship was never really consummated, he was a virgin before I met him and I think his penis has gone inside me once before he lost the erection (which we think is related to lack of use and his weight). We tried and it didn’t work and all of this came to a head (sorry for the pun) when we’d moved in together. This was about the time my dad fell ill (and I took that really hard) and he says that once he got out of the mindset he didn’t want to do it any more. After I got over the shock of dad being ill I’d beg hubby for it to no avail.
Update:
So we’re on holiday with my mum in a wee caravan, I continued to feel frustrated and pissed off (isn’t it funny how accepting in your mind that there’s an issue sometimes exacerbates things) well once I’d put her to bed I finished a bottle of wine and the floodgates opened.
I explained that I loved him but that I was desperately unhappy. I had hoped to keep this in till we were back in our own house but he kept prodding and pushing.
I told him how I’m approaching my sexual peak and that now even if he goes for a cuddle the physical contact from him is alien to me and that I didn’t think I’d ever get the enjoyment of him touching me back. I said I had spoken to people who were in sexless marriages and that some people cope by outsourcing (not sure if I was expecting permission) he said he didn’t think he’d like that .
I also said that I’d lost respect for him as a man as all he wants to do is watch tv or go to cinema, that it didn’t matter if I had money or not (he’s been living off the sale of his flat which he eventually sold after I bought a house near to my parents close to the end of dads life) but that he needed to knuckle down and get into work or college as I was sick of his life having no purpose. When we met he’d travel a 4hr round trip to my home town to go to college, when he left it was a 2hr round trip to a temp job which he got sacked from for illness. After that nothing, he said he’s going to do up the new flat we moved into, nothing, while I was at work he did nothing and I got so pissed off after months in an undecorated flat with wallpaper peeling off the walls that I paid for someone to come in and do it which resulted in him throwing a strop.
I knew I was getting made redundant just after dad was hospitalised so would be up at 6 for housework before work, hours drive to work, 8 hours in office, drive to hospital to help with dad plus to mums house to help with her, then 2 hours drive home and there wouldn’t even be something in the house to eat when I got in at 10pm. After I got made redundant I became dads carer - still had to commute but shorter days - at which point I developed horrific leg pain, probably from all the driving. Still had to get on with it.
At that point he had his old house to empty, decorate and sell. It took him two years, just before I bought the new house. He still hasn’t unpacked and we moved October 2017, most of his camera equipment, dvd, clothes all boxed up and in his rooms (I gave him rooms for his study and a movie room).
Last night I said that I saw that he was making more effort in the house but that it might be too little too late. His general negativity gets you down.
As part of my grief I’ve been booking lots of holidays, I have care lined up for mum so not too stressed, he keeps saying I don’t want to go on all these luxury all inclusive tropical holidays?!?!!?! He has no work to miss, he’s not being asked to contribute, just be a travel companion and spend time with me on these holidays.
He went to bed and i had two hours of really arousing chat with MrFacebook. Didn’t do anything, just chatting about our kinks but it was bloody amazing to feel like I’m a sexual being to someone. Will also mention that we didn’t say we’ll meet up or anything but I get the feeling it’s a possibility
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Post by Chooky on Jun 9, 2019 1:12:57 GMT -5
I had an appointment with the financial advisor and it seems that since my money is an inherited wealth, it doesn’t fall under marital assets which is a relief. Your financial advisor is likely correct, but you really need to be asking a divorce lawyer in your jurisdiction. The law is full of nuances. Even if your inheritance is protected, you’re acting as sole breadwinner which can translate to a lot of alimony to him to maintain his current lifestyle, and you can be required to maintain a large life insurance policy for his benefit at your expense. Time is the thing that triggers these. Ask a pro. The initial consultation is often free, too. There’s no money actually coming in barring £250 a month from a state benefit for looking after mum, the money is, at the moment, a lump sum I’ve been drawing down on until another inheritance clears probate. He currently has £15k in his account from selling the flat which his dad paid for, he’s been living off that but as he says HE doesn’t need a lot of money to live on, he doesn’t do new clothes, gifts, flowers, meals out, holidays. If I want a meal out or a holiday I have to cajole him into coming by saying it’s to my coat. He has nothing sat aside for his old age, wont be earning national insurance credits to go towards his pension. I’ve told him my family didn’t leave me money to fund his lazy lifestyle
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Post by baza on Jun 9, 2019 1:27:31 GMT -5
If you are thinking of going down the (perfectly legitimate) cheating option, be aware that is going to be a complete game changer. And the probability of that game change resulting in you ending up single again are astronomically high.
So my suggestion would be that you see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. Also that you shore up your support network to help you through the process, and that you put together an exit strategy and knock it in to do-able status.
Get your ducks lined up in other words.
This all reads like your deal is spiralling into the deck as it is, and if you pursue that (perfectly valid) cheating option that spiral is likely to accelerate.
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