First, I'm really glad I found this forum, because it's the first time I have told anyone about my issues with SM. My H said he has put off counseling thus far because over shame over performance anxiety and feeling like a sexual failure. And I have noticed that I too, have not dared to talk to a friend, a counselor, or anyone outside of my H about these issues. Because I have also been ashamed. I have realized that I have said "it's your issue, you need to fix it" to my husband, without even being willing to talk about it myself. I talked to my best friend about it yesterday. It was really helpful. I have an appointment with my therapist next week to talk about it. No matter the outcome, I feel like just talking about it is such a huge relief, and begins dissolving some of the shame of it being a "secret". Does anyone relate?
Welcome
esmerelda ,
Shame is the swampland of the soul. Shame tells us that we are not good enough. I wish I knew 20 years ago what I know now. It may not have changed the outcome of my marriage but I would not have spent 20 years living in my own shame, pain, and despair.
In 2000 my wife admitted in a hand written letter to me about our intimacy problems that:
“I have failed as a wife and a woman… it is really embarrassing for me…”
“I told my OBGYN once about having no desire and she looked at me like I was weird or defective.”
“I was humiliated. I haven’t said anything to my best friend. I am too embarrassed.”
“The whole thing makes me feel pretty damn lonely and like a failure.”
I blamed myself for not being "enough"... rich enough, tall enough, well endowed enough, thin enough, handsome enough, intelligent enough, ...
Instead of facing this together we ignored it. When it continued to built up for years and I tried to address it with her, she could no longer admit that there was an issue. It became MY issue for wanting sex. Shame starts with two people but as it lasts we learn to do shame all by ourselves, on ourselves. We build walls to protect ourselves.
Shame tells us that we are not good enough. Shame tells us that we are bad/unworthy. This isn’t guilt.
Guilt is when we do something that may be wrong. This is easy to correct, just admit it, own it and apologize.
Guilt – I’m sorry, I made a mistake
Shame – I’m sorry, I am a mistake
We all have shame. We all have good and bad, dark and light inside of us. But if we don’t come to terms with our shame, we start to believe that there is something wrong with us – that we are bad, flawed, not good enough. Shame is highly correlated to addiction, depression, violence, suicide, eating disorders, bullying. Guilt is inversely correlated to these things.
Shame is organized by gender
Women – do it all, do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat.
Men – do not be perceived as weak.
Shame keeps us small, resentful and afraid. Shame needs secrecy, silence and judgement to grow
Empathy and vulnerability destroy shame
We are psychologically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually hard wired for connection, love and belonging. This is why we are all here, it is what gives us purpose and meaning to our lives. Shame is the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection, of love, of belonging.
I strongly suggest that you listen to these videos by Brene Brown who is a Vulnerability and Shame researcher.
The Power of VulnerabilityListening to ShameI hope this helps.
Rex