|
Post by sadkat on Jun 3, 2019 21:41:42 GMT -5
Just in regard to ultimatums Brother larry101 . The golden rule in these situations is, under no circumstances ever make an ultimatum or threat that you are not prepared to follow through with. Your credibility is one of the best tools you have in the bag - that if you say something, you mean it. Sometimes in here, members make threats in the heat of the moment that they can't deliver on. And that tends to shred their cred, and educate the spouse that you need not be taken seriously. It can propel you backwards by months. Yep! I will slowly raise my hand here and say baza is absolutely correct. I threw ultimatums and threats for years. When I’d finally had enough and made the decision to really leave, it took me 5 months to convince my husband that I was serious. Be very careful with ultimatums.
|
|
larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
|
Post by larry101 on Jun 3, 2019 22:22:14 GMT -5
I will certainly heed the warning. I crafted that sentence carefully using the word hint. The very mention of joint councelling will portray the seriousness.
Here's the thing. I dont WANT to leave. I want my needs met. She wants her needs met. In reality though, i know deep down permanent damage has been done on both sides and reversing this is slim. Over the years I learned she doesn't hurt me intentially. Sadly, i think if it was intential, it would be easier to reverse.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 3, 2019 22:31:47 GMT -5
You don't HAVE to leave either Brother larry101 . Staying is every bit as valid a choice as leaving. One carries no more (or less) weight than the other as far as being "right" or "wrong". Your choice (whatever that choice might be) needs to stand up all by itself and be based on your longer term best interests. If you do that, you can't go too far wrong.
|
|
firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by firefollower on Jun 3, 2019 23:07:07 GMT -5
Hello everyone, forum newb here. For the moment, I'll spare everyone my full blown, 13yr experience with SM and instead get some thoughts on councelling. At this stage of our marriage, I'm not so sure I want to fix the marriage. Does it make sense to attend councelling with the hope my wife will come to understand the state of our marriage and the events/lack of events that brought us to this point? After all, my attempts over the years to put in perspective my needs and the impact it's had on me was always met with defensive "all you want is sex" type responses. Maybe her hearing a 3rd party councellor validate my feelings would open her eyes. Not so much for the purpose of repairing the marriage, but so she fully understands why we unintentially stumbled on this path. Does this make sense or am I trying to put square peg in a round hole? Why do this? For one, I love her dearly and this could lessen the anger and pain. Two, I want her to realize we BOTH contributed to this mess. Since kids are involved (age 13) I want this to end as civil as possible for everyone's sake. FYI, in case it wasn't clear, she is the regector, i am the regected. I am not sure that I have enough experience with this...but, I did go to couples counseling with a previous partner for the better part of one year. It had the opposite effect...opened doors that probably should have remained closed. I am of the belief that not everything needs to be dealt with...sometimes things are better left alone...we develop coping mechanisms that can be very effective and lead us to happy healthy lives. In my line of work I witness horrific tragedy and I have learned to compartmentalize it and move on...bringing it up with me to rehash it again would really have no perceivable benefit that I am aware of. Focusing on becoming a better person with the luggage you brought is probably a better use of time...just my opinion...
|
|
larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
|
Post by larry101 on Jun 3, 2019 23:22:45 GMT -5
Hello everyone, forum newb here. For the moment, I'll spare everyone my full blown, 13yr experience with SM and instead get some thoughts on councelling. At this stage of our marriage, I'm not so sure I want to fix the marriage. Does it make sense to attend councelling with the hope my wife will come to understand the state of our marriage and the events/lack of events that brought us to this point? After all, my attempts over the years to put in perspective my needs and the impact it's had on me was always met with defensive "all you want is sex" type responses. Maybe her hearing a 3rd party councellor validate my feelings would open her eyes. Not so much for the purpose of repairing the marriage, but so she fully understands why we unintentially stumbled on this path. Does this make sense or am I trying to put square peg in a round hole? Why do this? For one, I love her dearly and this could lessen the anger and pain. Two, I want her to realize we BOTH contributed to this mess. Since kids are involved (age 13) I want this to end as civil as possible for everyone's sake. FYI, in case it wasn't clear, she is the regector, i am the regected. I am not sure that I have enough experience with this...but, I did go to couples counseling with a previous partner for the better part of one year. It had the opposite effect...opened doors that probably should have remained closed. I am of the belief that not everything needs to be dealt with...sometimes things are better left alone...we develop coping mechanisms that can be very effective and lead us to happy healthy lives. In my line of work I witness horrific tragedy and I have learned to compartmentalize it and move on...bringing it up with me to rehash it again would really have no perceivable benefit that I am aware of. Focusing on becoming a better person with the luggage you brought is probably a better use of time...just my opinion... I appreciate you sharing your experience. And I agree that rehashing can be bad. However, rehashing something that hasn't changed and remains an elephant in my room, seems appropriate. Your point about coping makes sense. I see coping as something that applies to feelings or events that can't be changed however (which may apply here too). As for what doors councelling will open from her side, I have no idea. I'm inclined to believe it will cause change though, for better or for worse. She is asleep on the couch again. Even after Ive asked her multiple times this week to please start sleeping in bed again. Something needs to change.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 4, 2019 20:39:03 GMT -5
The only thing that you can directly control or change is you Brother larry101 . And if you embark down that road, there will be collateral effects on people around you. If you start presenting a different, or changed, version of larry101 , then people around you are highly likely to start responding to you differently. If you embark upon a policy of making choices based on your longer term best interests, that will also produce collateral effects on people around you. Not all these collateral effects will be pleasant, in fact some of them will be awfully painful and disruptive in the short term. The old adage "short term pain for long term gain" is very likely to apply. If you embark on a policy of making fully informed choices based on your longer term best interests, you can't go too far wrong. But it must be noted that this is a very very difficult road to travel, and you'll almost certainly fuck up big time now and then in the process. If you'd like to see this process in action, I'd recommend you look up Brother shamwow , in particular his long thread "T-minus" and read it from go to whoa In his case, his fully informed choices based on his longer term best interests resulted in him leaving his deal - but that's not really the point. The point in that thread is the process, not the outcome. If you follow the process of making fully informed choices based on your longer term best interests, the outcome will look after itself.
|
|
larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
|
Post by larry101 on Jun 4, 2019 21:58:01 GMT -5
Thanks for link Baza! I had started searching the forum last night for just this sorta shared experience.
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jun 4, 2019 22:23:37 GMT -5
The only thing that you can directly control or change is you Brother larry101 . And if you embark down that road, there will be collateral effects on people around you. If you start presenting a different, or changed, version of larry101 , then people around you are highly likely to start responding to you differently. If you embark upon a policy of making choices based on your longer term best interests, that will also produce collateral effects on people around you. Not all these collateral effects will be pleasant, in fact some of them will be awfully painful and disruptive in the short term. The old adage "short term pain for long term gain" is very likely to apply. If you embark on a policy of making fully informed choices based on your longer term best interests, you can't go too far wrong. But it must be noted that this is a very very difficult road to travel, and you'll almost certainly fuck up big time now and then in the process. If you'd like to see this process in action, I'd recommend you look up Brother shamwow , in particular his long thread "T-minus" and read it from go to whoa In his case, his fully informed choices based on his longer term best interests resulted in him leaving his deal - but that's not really the point. The point in that thread is the process, not the outcome. If you follow the process of making fully informed choices based on your longer term best interests, the outcome will look after itself. Hmmmm... I closed that thread off, but as the T-plus two year mark approaches, perhaps an update would be in order. Quite a bit more process along the way. Maybe some more story that could be helpful to someone.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 4, 2019 22:29:10 GMT -5
Another suggestion then larry101 - the postings of Brother timeforliving2 . There, the process produced an outcome of a 'turned around marriage' .... but before you get too excited, note that within this group of roughly 1,500 members, there are only a handful of examples of the process ending with this outcome. We are talking here something like 1 in 300.
|
|
larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
|
Post by larry101 on Jun 4, 2019 23:36:01 GMT -5
The only thing that you can directly control or change is you Brother larry101 . And if you embark down that road, there will be collateral effects on people around you. If you start presenting a different, or changed, version of larry101 , then people around you are highly likely to start responding to you differently. If you embark upon a policy of making choices based on your longer term best interests, that will also produce collateral effects on people around you. Not all these collateral effects will be pleasant, in fact some of them will be awfully painful and disruptive in the short term. The old adage "short term pain for long term gain" is very likely to apply. If you embark on a policy of making fully informed choices based on your longer term best interests, you can't go too far wrong. But it must be noted that this is a very very difficult road to travel, and you'll almost certainly fuck up big time now and then in the process. If you'd like to see this process in action, I'd recommend you look up Brother shamwow , in particular his long thread "T-minus" and read it from go to whoa In his case, his fully informed choices based on his longer term best interests resulted in him leaving his deal - but that's not really the point. The point in that thread is the process, not the outcome. If you follow the process of making fully informed choices based on your longer term best interests, the outcome will look after itself. Hmmmm... I closed that thread off, but as the T-plus two year mark approaches, perhaps an update would be in order. Quite a bit more process along the way. Maybe some more story that could be helpful to someone. Yes yes please do. No rush though, got plenty of catching up to do.
|
|