larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jun 3, 2019 12:19:02 GMT -5
Hello everyone, forum newb here. For the moment, I'll spare everyone my full blown, 13yr experience with SM and instead get some thoughts on councelling. At this stage of our marriage, I'm not so sure I want to fix the marriage. Does it make sense to attend councelling with the hope my wife will come to understand the state of our marriage and the events/lack of events that brought us to this point? After all, my attempts over the years to put in perspective my needs and the impact it's had on me was always met with defensive "all you want is sex" type responses. Maybe her hearing a 3rd party councellor validate my feelings would open her eyes. Not so much for the purpose of repairing the marriage, but so she fully understands why we unintentially stumbled on this path. Does this make sense or am I trying to put square peg in a round hole? Why do this? For one, I love her dearly and this could lessen the anger and pain. Two, I want her to realize we BOTH contributed to this mess. Since kids are involved (age 13) I want this to end as civil as possible for everyone's sake. FYI, in case it wasn't clear, she is the regector, i am the regected.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jun 3, 2019 12:31:34 GMT -5
Sorry you find yourself here, but welcome.
In my opinion, if only one of you is willing to seek counseling, it's going to be a waste of time.
She says "all you want is sex". Does she feel she's not getting enough affection or quality time? Since your SM is as old as your kid, did it start after the birth of said kid?
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Post by Handy on Jun 3, 2019 12:51:44 GMT -5
Larry, counseling is always recommended. It may not change anyone's behaviors or actions but at least it gives both parties a more honest and open picture of the relationship issues. It also avoids any surprise issues if one party decides to leave the marriage.
I have read several stories where the H or the W said, my spouse up and divorced me unexpectedly for no reason because I thought we were both happy.
My advice is do the counseling for YOU and not hoping it will change your W. Point #2 (which is a mistake I made) is bring up the issues you are having with how things are going in the marriage from your perspective. I was too gentle in my counseling sessions and wasn't totally honest with the things in my M, because I didn't want to make my W more resentful towards me. I did the "nice guy thing" and avoided the touchy problems so some issues never were discussed. Don't do counseling like I did.
Will counseling work? Who knows! At least the big issues should be put out there to be considered by both parties.
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larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jun 3, 2019 13:50:48 GMT -5
Appreciate responses.
I likely started these issues about 2 years before the kids were born. I was in a depressed rut and didn't give her the attention she needed. During this period, She expressed desire to have kids; possibly to fill a void I wasn't meeting. Once the kids were born, I moved to the bottom of her priority list. I straightened my life out during her pregnancy and had a much renewed interest in her (not just sexually) . My sincerest apologies for neglecting her needs weren't received well. I believe she built up a wall around herself with reinforced steel and handed me a rubber mallet. With mallet I set out to educate myself on the mechanics at work. I began to digest lots of books. Unfortunately, she refused to read the books.
I plan on posting a separate thread detailing the 13 yr time-line. If anything, it may provide insight into what's to come for others in earlier stages of this viscous cycle.
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Post by sadkat on Jun 3, 2019 14:48:57 GMT -5
larry101- if you believe the marriage is over, it may be a good idea to see a therapist individually. Coming to terms with the end of a marriage and finding a way to extricate yourself from said marriage is much easier said than done. Individual counseling will help you determine the approach you should take. If you decide during therapy that you should have some counseling sessions with your wife, those can be arranged at that time. I’m sorry you are going through this. It is definitely not easy and we do tend to blame ourselves. Forgiveness and willingness to work on issues together are essential in keeping a marriage intact. Don’t be too hard on yourself for the mistakes you made in the past. Counseling will help with this too.
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larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jun 3, 2019 15:28:09 GMT -5
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 3, 2019 16:24:07 GMT -5
I do not know if it matters, but you may get some answers to questions. "Why" is a big one I will never have an answer to. I just try to accept the events and move on without closure.
Your wife seems unconcerned about you and your feelings. She cannot relate to your needs. This is a universal trait among narcissists. In my case, this is the closest thing I have to answer "why." I hope it does you some good. If you need a better answer, counseling makes sense. If not, do you need to spend two hundred dollars an hour for a relationship that will never yield the kind of love you need?
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larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jun 3, 2019 16:48:08 GMT -5
I do not know if it matters, but you may get some answers to questions. "Why" is a big one I will never have an answer to. I just try to accept the events and move on without closure. Your wife seems unconcerned about you and your feelings. She cannot relate to your needs. This is a universal trait among narcissists. In my case, this is the closest thing I have to answer "why." I hope it does you some good. If you need a better answer, counseling makes sense. If not, do you need to spend two hundred dollars an hour for a relationship that will never yield the kind of love you need? Interesting. The bulk of narcissistic traits fit.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 3, 2019 17:16:30 GMT -5
Individual counseling might make sense from the standpoint of helping you come to grips with moving forward in how you wish to approach the marriage. It could also aid you when it comes to dealing with your kids as they mature and perhaps come to recognize how little affection their is between the 2 of you. It's worthless to seek couples counseling if after having talks with your W about the negative impact her words and actions are having on you and the marriage, you are still getting the "all you ever want is sex" reply. Hearing that line myself helped me realize my SM had little chance of recovery and thus counseling was not something that would have helped. Counseling might make sense when she hears from a 3rd party that her perception of the state of the marriage isn't what she thought. If she is narcissistic it might just make her angry, so it's a gamble.
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Post by workingonit on Jun 3, 2019 19:47:03 GMT -5
I am a firm believer in counseling. Not to fix anything, per se, but to get some good communication and perspective going. Having a dedicated time and space that is not home with a witness is generally a game changer for communication on its own. Add in a skilled counselor (not all are!!) and some hard truths and emotions will come out. I think after spending so much of your adult life with someone, having children together, etc, it is worth the time and effort and cost to have that level of communication or at least try it. Also, what do you really have to lose? These things sure as shit don't magically get better on their own!
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Post by baza on Jun 3, 2019 19:50:51 GMT -5
Joint counselling requires two people to turn up with their individual shit pretty well sorted out. From that base the two people can turn their attention to digging down into the joint situation and get to the truth of the situation, whatever that may be. Have you got your own shit fairly well sorted out Brother larry101 ? Has your missus got her own shit fairly well sorted out ? If the answer to both those questions is "yes" then joint counselling could be extremely helpful. But if the answer to either question is "no" then joint counselling is pretty useless.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 3, 2019 19:55:59 GMT -5
"all you ever want is sex"
Some wise words I read on here:" Yes. Like what does a man dying for thirst in the dessert want? A drink of water!"
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larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jun 3, 2019 21:20:57 GMT -5
I am a firm believer in counseling. Not to fix anything, per se, but to get some good communication and perspective going. Having a dedicated time and space that is not home with a witness is generally a game changer for communication on its own. Add in a skilled counselor (not all are!!) and some hard truths and emotions will come out. I think after spending so much of your adult life with someone, having children together, etc, it is worth the time and effort and cost to have that level of communication or at least try it. Also, what do you really have to lose? These things sure as shit don't magically get better on their own! Yes. This ^ she doesn't admit much fault, but being a poor communicator even she owns up to.
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larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jun 3, 2019 21:25:01 GMT -5
Joint counselling requires two people to turn up with their individual shit pretty well sorted out. From that base the two people can turn their attention to digging down into the joint situation and get to the truth of the situation, whatever that may be. Have you got your own shit fairly well sorted out Brother larry101 ? Has your missus got her own shit fairly well sorted out ? If the answer to both those questions is "yes" then joint counselling could be extremely helpful. But if the answer to either question is "no" then joint counselling is pretty useless. I agree completely. If she's not 100% on board, itll probably only stir the pot. Though it will also hint at a impending ultimatum if she refuses to open up.
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Post by baza on Jun 3, 2019 21:36:01 GMT -5
Just in regard to ultimatums Brother larry101 . The golden rule in these situations is, under no circumstances ever make an ultimatum or threat that you are not prepared to follow through with. Your credibility is one of the best tools you have in the bag - that if you say something, you mean it. Sometimes in here, members make threats in the heat of the moment that they can't deliver on. And that tends to shred their cred, and educate the spouse that you need not be taken seriously. It can propel you backwards by months.
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