spencer
Junior Member
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Post by spencer on May 25, 2019 17:57:32 GMT -5
Outsourcing, trying to find what you can't at home elsewhere... Last couple of weeks I thought I'd see what is out there, and I've decided it is grim. Tried affair websites, but the ones I tried so feel like they are trying to extract as much money from me as possible, and those monies are not insignificant. You can tell they have bots and employees trying to lead you on to spend more, with little feeling like there is anyone really behind it all Tbh I'd be happy with a cuddle partner who I can just cuddle with for an evening and hold her boobs, run my finger over her cheek and share some physical intimacy. So tried the cuddle sites, turns out they are more like escort sites than those you'd expect to be escort sites. Just not what I need or seek. In all cases the women you engage with are overly sexual. It is kind of obvious but the more "normal" sexual women does not need to hit these sites, instead only the desperate for cash or really "kinky" girls end up there. - not for me I'm not naturally good at finding friends with benefits in real life, but perhaps i need to develop that skill as internet outsourcing is not working for me right now, and I don't want to throw good money after bad. Whats others experiences?
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Post by Handy on May 25, 2019 19:26:32 GMT -5
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Post by northstarmom on May 25, 2019 20:04:22 GMT -5
spencer said: "I'm not naturally good at finding friends with benefits in real life, but perhaps i need to develop that skill as internet outsourcing is not working for me right now, and I don't want to throw good money after bad.
Whats others experiences?"
Try posting this in the Sexually Speaking forum here. One has to be a member to read that forum, so people are more open about their experiences.
I know that at least one woman in ILIASM met her FWB through an on-line dating site. Unfortunately, I don't remember who she is, but she might respond if you post in the forum I suggested.
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Post by baza on May 25, 2019 20:41:05 GMT -5
Quoting you here Brother spencer - "I'm not naturally good at finding friends with benefits in real life, but perhaps i need to develop that skill" Developing your skill at finding friends (full stop) and building a support network is not such a bad strategy. In a "Friend With Benefits" scenario, first comes the "friends" bit. Then, maybe, perhaps, possibly, comes the "Benefits" part of the deal. It doesn't work the other way around - ie you don't get the benefits straight off. (Well, usually that's true but an opportunistic one night stand with a stranger situation could possibly go that way I guess).
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Post by northstarmom on May 25, 2019 20:54:46 GMT -5
Agreeing with baza that learning to develop friendships - real, nonsexual, friendships with women -- is the first step in developing a man's finding a FWB. If you just want to get immediately laid, then what you're looking for is a hooker.
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spencer
Junior Member
I welcome chats - just message me
Posts: 50
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Post by spencer on May 26, 2019 1:59:25 GMT -5
Yes its obvious when others point it out. I'd get nothing from a one night stand, I have to have some feelings for the person to get reward. Going out there are making new friendship groups generally is something I need to do too, my current ones are supportive and nice enough, however they are a little stale. Its fun to get to know new people.
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Post by ironhamster on May 26, 2019 13:58:50 GMT -5
There is an app called MeetUp, which helps people with common interests connect. I started using it the year I was coming to grips with my situation. At the time, I was in a mountain biking and a kayaking group. I ended up moving before anything developed. Results will vary, but, I believe the more you get out there and meet people the more likely you will find someone.
Be on the hunt, but don't be creepy about it.
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Post by solodriver on May 26, 2019 14:01:15 GMT -5
Outsourcing, trying to find what you can't at home elsewhere... Last couple of weeks I thought I'd see what is out there, and I've decided it is grim. Tried affair websites, but the ones I tried so feel like they are trying to extract as much money from me as possible, and those monies are not insignificant. You can tell they have bots and employees trying to lead you on to spend more, with little feeling like there is anyone really behind it all Tbh I'd be happy with a cuddle partner who I can just cuddle with for an evening and hold her boobs, run my finger over her cheek and share some physical intimacy. So tried the cuddle sites, turns out they are more like escort sites than those you'd expect to be escort sites. Just not what I need or seek. In all cases the women you engage with are overly sexual. It is kind of obvious but the more "normal" sexual women does not need to hit these sites, instead only the desperate for cash or really "kinky" girls end up there. - not for me I'm not naturally good at finding friends with benefits in real life, but perhaps i need to develop that skill as internet outsourcing is not working for me right now, and I don't want to throw good money after bad. Whats others experiences? That's exactly where I am at. I know the feeling. I'm climbing the walls after almost 20 years in a SM. As much as I would love to outsource, I'm not going to do something stupid though. There are members here who have successfully outsourced and so I'm always trying to see what I can learn that will make it happy and successful. Internet sites are not the way to go from everything I have read.
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spencer
Junior Member
I welcome chats - just message me
Posts: 50
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Post by spencer on May 27, 2019 4:56:35 GMT -5
Be on the hunt, but don't be creepy about it. That line is wonderful! I'm that "nice guy", "cute", opposite of creepy. So in fact, if anything I think I need to learn how to flirt in a non-overt way that leaves the door more obviously ajar, so others know there are opportunities behind it. Problem is that right now I have no clue how to do that grrr.
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Post by worksforme2 on May 27, 2019 7:20:43 GMT -5
Yes its obvious when others point it out. I'd get nothing from a one night stand, I have to have some feelings for the person to get reward. Going out there are making new friendship groups generally is something I need to do too, my current ones are supportive and nice enough, however they are a little stale. Its fun to get to know new people. I have to say from my experiences with married women you may be passing up your best opportunities. In my mid to late 20's I had a # of married friends, couples where the husbands often met up to play music. Over the years I got to know the wives very well. Because these women knew me well and trusted me as a close friend some of them decided I was a good candidate for an affair. They knew as a single male I was available and having enjoyed years of both sexual and non sexual banter and God only knows how much fun and laughter with them, I suppose it was just a natural progression. When their marriages and the sex grew routine I was 1st in line for them for something new in the way of intimacy. Outside the workplace I suspect affairs between long time friends is the norm. If you are serious about looking outside your marriage for intimacy you might consider finding ways to make any female friends aware you could be interested. This is a somewhat risky endeavor as your W is probably part of the social circle. Your flirtations will have to seem innocent. For instance, one woman ask me if I was looking for "Ms. Right". My response was, I am looking for Ms. Right Now. So she knew I would not likely be looking to mess up her marriage by falling in love with her or being possessive. Just the thing for a married woman not looking to leave the marriage. And you will need to let the women make the overture. My experience has been that when a married woman decides she wants some strange, and she wants it from you, she will find ways to make sure you know she is interested.
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Post by angeleyes65 on May 27, 2019 7:42:33 GMT -5
I used the sites and was successful for many years. That being said I think it's easier for women. And over the years AFF started charging women and there was already more men than women. But you have to pay to get anywhere. That being said if the women are paying they are serious about finding something. Becareful about giving personal info until you've made a good connection black mail happens. Set up a new email. No face pics. Use a chest pic. And use a good handle not something perverted. Like lonelyhusband. Ect. Talk on the instant messenger or through email before giving out your email. Pick an email that has instant messenger like Gmail and talk for awhile before meeting. Ashley Madison was more married people but I wasnt on there for long. Best of luck to you!
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spencer
Junior Member
I welcome chats - just message me
Posts: 50
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Post by spencer on May 27, 2019 7:43:47 GMT -5
Yes its obvious when others point it out. I'd get nothing from a one night stand, I have to have some feelings for the person to get reward. Going out there are making new friendship groups generally is something I need to do too, my current ones are supportive and nice enough, however they are a little stale. Its fun to get to know new people. I have to say from my experiences with married women you may be passing up your best opportunities. In my mid to late 20's I had a # of married friends, couples where the husbands often met up to play music. Over the years I got to know the wives very well. Because these women knew me well and trusted me as a close friend some of them decided I was a good candidate for an affair. They knew as a single male I was available and having enjoyed years of both sexual and non sexual banter and God only knows how much fun and laughter with them, I suppose it was just a natural progression. When their marriages and the sex grew routine I was 1st in line for them for something new in the way of intimacy. Outside the workplace I suspect affairs between long time friends is the norm. If you are serious about looking outside your marriage for intimacy you might consider finding ways to make any female friends aware you could be interested. This is a somewhat risky endeavor as your W is probably part of the social circle. Your flirtations will have to seem innocent. For instance, one woman ask me if I was looking for "Ms. Right". My response was, I am looking for Ms. Right Now. So she knew I would not likely be looking to mess up her marriage by falling in love with her or being possessive. Just the thing for a married woman not looking to leave the marriage. And you will need to let the women make the overture. My experience has been that when a married woman decides she wants some strange, and she wants it from you, she will find ways to make sure you know she is interested. Thank you - useful well written perspective on this angle. It may be slightly more difficult when they are worried about the moral aspect of messing with someone else's husband vs you being single. However I think everything you are saying applies still.
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Post by northstarmom on May 27, 2019 8:50:11 GMT -5
Worksforme2 said: “i n my mid to late 20's I had a # of married friends, couples where the husbands often met up to play music. Over the years I got to know the wives very well.”
I am not anti outsourcing if one is in a sexless marriage. However, you weren’t. I’m wondering about how you now regard your previous actions of having affairs with women whose husbands you considered to be friends. For people who are in sms I’m wondering whether you would be fine with fucking the spouses of people who consider you to be their friend.
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Post by worksforme2 on May 27, 2019 10:01:03 GMT -5
Worksforme2 said: “i n my mid to late 20's I had a # of married friends, couples where the husbands often met up to play music. Over the years I got to know the wives very well.” I am not anti outsourcing if one is in a sexless marriage. However, you weren’t. I’m wondering about how you now regard your previous actions of having affairs with women whose husbands you considered to be friends. For people who are in sms I’m wondering whether you would be fine with fucking the spouses of people who consider you to be their friend. I would have to say the circumstances to a large degree would dictate my actions. For instance. For a long time I felt one woman in the group might be open to the prospect of an affair. She had made a least one very explicit move but I ran away from that opportunity. So I didn't act because I considered her H to be my best friend. Years later they were both in my wedding. I learned later that both of them were having sex outside the marriage. Had I known my friend was stepping out I might well have made a different decision. In point of fact I never physically initiated any of the sexual encounters I had with married women during this period, except with the woman I rented from in Ohio who kept showing up at my apartment and reaching over to touch me. If I found myself now in the position to have sex with a woman in a SM with one of my friends my attitude would again depend on the circumstances. If he was medically unable to have PIV but didn't try to address the issue I would not be very sympathetic toward him. If he was perfectly able to pleasure his wife but refused to do so or at least try I would say he had little love or feelings for her. If he cares so little about her why should she be made to suffer? And so if she was interested in seeking solace with me for her sexless situation and I found her attractive, I probably would be open to intimacy with her. I expect you are familiar with the term "situational ethics". I accept the doctrine and have incorporated it into my view of the world, I believe one's ethics about a situation or circumstance should be determined by the facts surrounding and relevant to that situation, when and as those facts are applied toward one's belief system. Cases in point: When is it acceptable to kill? Is it OK to steal from a thief and give the goods to those in need? One's actions as to the morality of what's acceptable behavior can and should be predicated on an evaluation of the facts and circumstances. What might be morally or ethically unacceptable under one set of circumstances might well be acceptable and morally correct under another set of circumstances.
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Post by shamwow on May 30, 2019 7:25:51 GMT -5
Be on the hunt, but don't be creepy about it. That line is wonderful! I'm that "nice guy", "cute", opposite of creepy. So in fact, if anything I think I need to learn how to flirt in a non-overt way that leaves the door more obviously ajar, so others know there are opportunities behind it. Problem is that right now I have no clue how to do that grrr. Nice guys get kicked in the face. Bad boys get laid but it never lasts long. Seek to be a good man. It's harder to do, but is way healthier in the long run.
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