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Post by northstarmom on May 30, 2019 8:34:12 GMT -5
Worksforme2 :”Lots of valid reasons to stay married while still having some strange available on the side”
A big reason that I think divorce is better than an affair is that I know at least 4 adults who as kids stumbled upon info that a parent was having an affair. None of those kids ever told the cheating parent that they knew about the affair. All of the kids were heartbroken by learning about their parent’s behavior. This also affected the kids ‘ relationships after they grew up. People who think their affair is a secret and isn’t hurting their kids may be very wrong.
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Post by shamwow on May 30, 2019 8:38:06 GMT -5
It's funny. When I hear about all the James Bond type precautions that need to be done to cheat without being caught it seems a hell of a lot easier to just call a lawyer and get out 🤣 "Just getting out" presupposes that you really want out. Often the marriage taken as a whole really isn't so bad that one is desperate to get out of it if there is another solution. Probably most couples take quite a financial hit when the household busts up. And there could be kids and other considerations, like still loving your spouse. Lots of valid reasons to stay married while still having some strange available on the side. Like you I think it too difficult to manage sex with someone else while still married. But we know a # of people at this site that have pulled it off for years. I could never have gotten away with it given how well my then W knew my habits and daily routines. That's why I tried (unsuccessfully)to convince my then W to allow me a FWB. Excellent points!
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Post by shamwow on May 30, 2019 8:38:54 GMT -5
Worksforme2 :”Lots of valid reasons to stay married while still having some strange available on the side” A big reason that I think divorce is better than an affair is that I know at least 4 adults who as kids stumbled upon info that a parent was having an affair. None of those kids ever told the cheating parent that they knew about the affair. All of the kids were heartbroken by learning about their parent’s behavior. This also affected the kids ‘ relationships after they grew up. People who think their affair is a secret and isn’t hurting their kids may be very wrong. Also very good points!
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Post by ironhamster on May 30, 2019 10:31:06 GMT -5
I took the affair option. My youngest had four years to go, maybe less. I did not want to rock her world.
As Baza says, an affair will change the trajectory of your ILIASM shithole. Less than two months later my give-a-fuck was completely broken and when my wife started asking questions I told her right to her face.
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Post by shamwow on May 30, 2019 12:36:05 GMT -5
I took the affair option. My youngest had four years to go, maybe less. I did not want to rock her world. As Baza says, an affair will change the trajectory of your ILIASM shithole. Less than two months later my give-a-fuck was completely broken and when my wife started asking questions I told her right to her face. That's exactly why I left instead of an affair. I had 6 years before the kids graduated and knew if I went that route I wouldn't be satisfied with a double life. I also knew I'd get caught. Now I'm 2 years out and in a healthy, loving, honest, and sexually/emotionally fulfilling relationship. If I'd stayed I'd have wasted two more irretrievable years and have four left to go. The thought of that now literally makes me a bit queesy.
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spencer
Junior Member
I welcome chats - just message me
Posts: 50
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Post by spencer on May 30, 2019 14:59:23 GMT -5
To reign this back in a little. A cuddles and fumble on the sofa of a female friend a couple of times a month to passionate sex and weekends away with them are very different propositions (in my mind). Probably the difference between affair and a friend with benefits (alright amount to same thing). I do acknowledge the danger of starting simple and it getting out of control.
Lots of valid points here, perhaps this is a self destruct move, perhaps this dong something on purpose to upset and burn the apple cart.
I know my children would be first to find out and know - they can read me like a book and have inquisitive minds, this angle I had not considered.
Plenty to think about here.
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Post by baza on Jun 1, 2019 19:33:51 GMT -5
I think it comes down to this .... #1 - what do you think would be the worst case scenario should you choose to cheat ? #2 - Are you prepared for, and can you handle, the worst case scenario that may ensue from cheating ? If you don't know the answer to question #1 above, then going back to the drawing board would by my suggestion. And if your answer to #2 is "no", then again, back to the drawing board would be my suggestion. This bit (if indeed this is what you're thinking) - "perhaps this is a self destruct move, perhaps this dong something on purpose to upset and burn the apple cart" - is really trying to shift your responsibility of choice onto your missus. To get her to make the call. You would probably do better by taking a more pro-active position here Brother spencer . The responsibility here to make the hard choices is really yours, not your missus'.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 2, 2019 8:01:35 GMT -5
I think it comes down to this .... #1 - what do you think would be the worst case scenario should you choose to cheat ? #2 - Are you prepared for, and can you handle, the worst case scenario that may ensue from cheating ? If you don't know the answer to question #1 above, then going back to the drawing board would by my suggestion. And if your answer to #2 is "no", then again, back to the drawing board would be my suggestion. This bit (if indeed this is what you're thinking) - "perhaps this is a self destruct move, perhaps this dong something on purpose to upset and burn the apple cart" - is really trying to shift your responsibility of choice onto your missus. To get her to make the call. You would probably do better by taking a more pro-active position here Brother spencer . The responsibility here to make the hard choices is really yours, not your missus'. Agree 100 percent. It's up to you to man up and decide. This question is too important to punt.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 2, 2019 10:02:32 GMT -5
Just a quick " one last thing to think about" here.
I waited until after the divorce. My teenage daughters NOW seem to be jealous of my new girlfriend. My daughters had their daddy all to themselves their entire lives. My daughter proclaims " I don't like being around you when you are with her". My daughters also complain about how mom refuses to do/buy much of anything for them. My daughters are "choosing" to stay with their mom. ( There is a legal one week on, one week off parenting plan) My daughter tells me " Mom says she is depressed, mom is lonely." I, am not lonely, I am joyful with life and my new woman. The intimacy and affection is not hidden. My girlfriend has done nothing but nice things for my daughters, and me.
The manipulation, and control continues, after the divorce.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 2, 2019 12:07:17 GMT -5
Just a quick " one last thing to think about" here. I waited until after the divorce. My teenage daughters NOW seem to be jealous of my new girlfriend. My daughters had their daddy all to themselves their entire lives. My daughter proclaims " I don't like being around you when you are with her". My daughters also complain about how mom refuses to do/buy much of anything for them. My daughters are "choosing" to stay with their mom. ( There is a legal one week on, one week off parenting plan) My daughter tells me " Mom says she is depressed, mom is lonely." I, am not lonely, I am joyful with life and my new woman. The intimacy and affection is not hidden. My girlfriend has done nothing but nice things for my daughters, and me. The manipulation, and control continues, after the divorce. Sorry gc but your daughters are acting like spoiled brats. I thought they were teens but it sounds more like pre-teen behavior. It is to be expected your kids would complain to you about their mom. My sons did the same thing following my 1st divorce. I spent more quality time with them and they complained she never took them out much. Of coarse they complained to her I never took them on vacation trips. True, because I was saving for their college educations. I knew their mom wouldn't be saving a dime. Fortunately my boys usually liked the women I dated when the relationship lasted long enough for her to meet them. I tried to plan meals out together or trips to ball games, parks, the local zoo or other places I knew they liked. I tried to find activities my date would also enjoy while keeping my boys thinking the focus was on them. Good luck.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 2, 2019 12:43:35 GMT -5
I wouldn’t go so far as to say his daughters are spoiled. I believe they are being manipulated by his ex. To stop that — including protecting them from forever being under their mom’s thumb — follow the rules of the divorce agreement.
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