“If I had family members, for example, who could assist with a move or let me stay with them temporarily, moving would be easier. But I don't. Also, I need to find a job first. ”
Have you talked to a lawyer to see what your rights would be in a divorce? If you haven’t done that then your concerns about needing a job, having to move, etc. are just assumptions.
Nope, I haven't. but I'm definitely moving that way, ie, talking with a lawyer.
I realize it may sound like I'm procrastinating, but I'm not. I've just had a lot of crap to handle over the last 10 years. Depressing crap that is demotivating and exhausting. One thing leads to another, and it's really hard to pull out of these spirals, as I'm sure you know. Thank heaven for this forum. 💗
Please forgive any typos or poor sentence structure. As I often say, you can have it perfect or you can have it now. Here, I choose now.
I have read examples of women not working and being in a newish relationship. I have read more stories of women working part-time say at Walmart or McDonald's and being in a newish relationship. Both of these types of situations assumes the woman does most of the basic domestic work.
I suppose the reverse gender thing (man not working or not having a substantial income) might be possible but it doesn't seem to start out that way. I have read stories where the man has a job but something happens to the job and he never goes back to work, but those relationships are very troubled.
For most men, no financial contribution equals (from him) equals no romance for the man. For women I think the money/income is less important. Maybe I am too old school, where the man works and the woman takes care of things at home.
saarinista , I understand the "lot of crap to handle" and it being on the depressing side. BTDT myself.
Post by northstarmom on Jul 13, 2019 15:45:49 GMT -5
Saarinista said: “I realize it may sound like I'm procrastinating, but I'm not. I've just had a lot of crap to handle over the last 10 years. Depressing crap that is demotivating and exhausting. One thing leads to another, and it's really hard to pull out of these spirals, as I'm sure you know. Thank heaven for this forum. 💗”
I do empathize. When I filed, my oldest son was in rehab after being homeless, Baker Acted and then arrested. I didn’t discover this forum til a week after my divorce was final. Most of the wisdom that’s here I had to learn on my own. This included my rights in a community property state and in a longterm marriage. I only found out initial lawyer consultations are often free when I got the courage to see a lawyer and wasn’t charged.
If you keep delaying, you may end up in a situation in which it either would be much harder to leave (lessingham’s being stuck with a seriously ill wife is one example) or you may end up being divorced with nothing after your spouse hides money or otherwise pulls a fast one.
“That line of reasoning also assumes that once out off the sexless marriage, sex will follow..”
No it doesn’t. It assumes that if sex is a big priority, one would rather be sexless and unmarried than be married to a person who refuses to have sexually with you. If sex is sa big priority, one wouldn’t do what many here do, not only choose to remain in a sexless marriage but also share s bed with one’s refuser.
Divorce, moving away from one’s refuser are time limited hassles. Living with one’s refuser is daily pain if one values sex in an intimate relationship and if one isn’t choosing to outsource.
Ya. I found it to be an enormous burden lifted to sleep in a separate bed, to start. I was picking a lane. Sleeping in a different bed - and intending to do that from the outset, rather than running off in a huff of frustration - was really helpful in at least NOT continuing to put myself into a situation of unrequited desire and all of the emotional burden I associated with that. It felt like I was approaching a kind of truth about my relationship then.
It's a very different thing to be celibate on one's own, as a single person, than to be reminded on a daily basis that your partner doesn't see you has fit for a root.
If you don’t have the marriage you want then consider not giving her the marriage she wants. Think about the things that you do to make her life easier and stop doing it. Years ago I remember telling Mr Bballgirl that since he doesn’t have sex with me then I will not do his laundry. I still don’t and it’s decades later. However I got to the point in 2014 I never wanted sex with him again and found a lover. If she’s not interested in your sexuality then your sexuality is none of her business.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
solodriver: Thanks warmways
Oct 30, 2019 23:36:15 GMT -5
RealMustangGuy: When using a member's username in a post, how does one get it to be in different color and work as a link? I can type in the name but after posting it doesn't look the same as when others use member's usernames in their posts.
Nov 2, 2019 11:37:25 GMT -5
bfar: Just stumbled on this article:https://masculinebydesign.com/sexless-marriage-is-symptomatic-of-emasculated-husbands/ was more than a little disconcerting. Are we digging ourselves further in the hole by trying to be all enlightened and sensitive?
Nov 3, 2019 13:46:42 GMT -5
petrushka: Mate, what's the alternative to all enlightened and sensitive here? Rape? Coercion? Sexual assault? Thanks, but I can do better than being a complete arsehole (or psychopath for that matter).
Nov 3, 2019 21:11:53 GMT -5
bfar: Petrushka... I'm just wondering if we shot ourselves in the foot, as it were, by giving giving up on our strength, and giving in to the feminist agenda of making men irrelevant.
Nov 5, 2019 11:30:21 GMT -5
petrushka: Sorry, I don't buy into that at all. I'm not giving up anything. I've been into the "feminist agenda" for nearly 60 years. Having an empowered partner empowers me. I want strong women around me who take responsibility for themselves and who can face me
Nov 5, 2019 17:20:16 GMT -5
petrushka: I see 'strong men', and controlling bullies, as basically weak, lacking confidence and self esteem -- hence they think they need to assert themselves that way. I loathe patriarchy as much as matriarchy. Partners should be equals.
Nov 5, 2019 17:24:43 GMT -5
petrushka: In my world view, you are buying into some really shitty memes there.
Nov 5, 2019 17:25:20 GMT -5
apocrypha: The "feminist agenda" has changed across the past 60 years. Some feminists of the 60's call the current iteration "fainting couch feminism", thinking it a subversion and betrayal of women's lib. Hard to get a bead on what folks think, using a broad label.
Nov 8, 2019 9:37:14 GMT -5
apocrypha: No aspect of that article (which I amount to a magazine offering bad diet advice) promotes rape, coercion (beyond seduction), sexual assault, and I don't understand your public performance suggesting that they would be and thus implicating bfar.
Nov 8, 2019 9:41:51 GMT -5
mirrororchid: pfar, being sensitive means understanding how others think and feel. It doesn't mean you are compelled to adopt their thoughts and feelings. This is a matter of understanding people including loved ones. If you aren't sensitive, you lack tools to
Nov 11, 2019 8:09:49 GMT -5
mirrororchid: live well. You need not soften, but you should be able to understand vulnerability. Recognizing others' distress provides me with cues when I need to use self-control or extend help. If you're strong, you should be helping others. Use what works.
Nov 11, 2019 8:14:06 GMT -5
worksforme2: You know who I miss ...I miss smartkat and andie..and snowman 12345
Nov 14, 2019 9:16:44 GMT -5