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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 28, 2019 13:15:26 GMT -5
Im late to this....but wanted to offer my words of support. Im sure its easier to process separation grief when there is a "branch to swing to". That notwithstanding, sometimes we have to say fuck easy. Its the hard road that ultimately defines us. My advice, fwiw, and hoping it might be helpful, is to continue to focus increasingly on you, and less so on the relationship, and definitely "him". Get busy. Fill your calendar as far out as you can. Concerts. Date with friends. Reconnect with old acquaintances. Shop for new wardrobe. Plan a mini getaway. Visit family. Go see a national monument or park in your area. A day at a spa. Dedicate more time to existing hobbies. Open time for new hobbies and experiences. Get busy getting busy so that your mind is occupied on you and increasingly investing time in you and not elsewhere where there is little or no return. When you are not preoccupied with you, the "relationship" and "him" will live in your mind rent free. Allow yourself an outlet to mourn and grieve on this forum, or with "safe" friends, but give yourself only so many of those bullets. Try not to use them all in one go. All the best. Oh my dear friends that have survived this divorce process....how do you do it? It hurts so much. I feel like I am mourning a death. It makes me go back in my head and say "Maybe if we just....." But that way is just doing the same thing yet again and wishing for a different outcome. Just wanting things to be different has never worked. I tried recently to share my pain with him a bit, thinking we could connect and maybe make this easier for both of us. After crying and feeling raw and vulnerable I asked for a hug. I did not get it. Later he told me he was protecting himself. Ok. Just more rejection for me. Anyway, he is gone right now for a month. Zip code therapy allowing me to mourn him and us in a way I cannot when he is here. I am just really sad. He is a special person and I liked having him as my person in many ways. But he was never willing to really do the work we needed to do to fix this. I am mourning the dream and the promise of this marriage. I am mourning the companionship. I must remember that it was only ever a dream, really. I am a natural monogamist I believe. I like having "my person." I like devoting myself to one partner and one relationship. I was willing to put up with so much neglect because I believe deeply in commitment. My mind keeps sort of reaching for him like an amputee. Will he always be my phantom limb? Ugh. That is part of this awful severing feeling in me now. I guess it is just super painful to go through this and it feels like how could it be the right thing if it hurts so much? Sometimes life is just sucky though. There is no pain free path here. Maybe when we start divvying up assets I will get mad again. Mad sounds better than sad 😜
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Post by elynne on Jun 28, 2019 20:52:03 GMT -5
Im late to this....but wanted to offer my words of support. Im sure its easier to process separation grief when there is a "branch to swing to". That notwithstanding, sometimes we have to say fuck easy. Its the hard road that ultimately defines us. My advice, fwiw, and hoping it might be helpful, is to continue to focus increasingly on you, and less so on the relationship, and definitely "him". Get busy. Fill your calendar as far out as you can. Concerts. Date with friends. Reconnect with old acquaintances. Shop for new wardrobe. Plan a mini getaway. Visit family. Go see a national monument or park in your area. A day at a spa. Dedicate more time to existing hobbies. Open time for new hobbies and experiences. Get busy getting busy so that your mind is occupied on you and increasingly investing time in you and not elsewhere where there is little or no return. When you are not preoccupied with you, the "relationship" and "him" will live in your mind rent free. Allow yourself an outlet to mourn and grieve on this forum, or with "safe" friends, but give yourself only so many of those bullets. Try not to use them all in one go. All the best. Oh my dear friends that have survived this divorce process....how do you do it? It hurts so much. I feel like I am mourning a death. It makes me go back in my head and say "Maybe if we just....." But that way is just doing the same thing yet again and wishing for a different outcome. Just wanting things to be different has never worked. I tried recently to share my pain with him a bit, thinking we could connect and maybe make this easier for both of us. After crying and feeling raw and vulnerable I asked for a hug. I did not get it. Later he told me he was protecting himself. Ok. Just more rejection for me. Anyway, he is gone right now for a month. Zip code therapy allowing me to mourn him and us in a way I cannot when he is here. I am just really sad. He is a special person and I liked having him as my person in many ways. But he was never willing to really do the work we needed to do to fix this. I am mourning the dream and the promise of this marriage. I am mourning the companionship. I must remember that it was only ever a dream, really. I am a natural monogamist I believe. I like having "my person." I like devoting myself to one partner and one relationship. I was willing to put up with so much neglect because I believe deeply in commitment. My mind keeps sort of reaching for him like an amputee. Will he always be my phantom limb? Ugh. That is part of this awful severing feeling in me now. I guess it is just super painful to go through this and it feels like how could it be the right thing if it hurts so much? Sometimes life is just sucky though. There is no pain free path here. Maybe when we start divvying up assets I will get mad again. Mad sounds better than sad 😜 This is such good advice! Focus on you! Just before I found my way to my therapist, I was a mess. Most of my waking hours were spent worrying about my almost ex. I was hyper focused on him, running through scenarios in my head, wondering how he would respond, trying to understand what went wrong. I was in a constant state of anxiety. I think focusing on you, your desires, needs, likes, dislikes, planning, looking towards the future, imagining your best possible life and taking steps toward it - that is so healing. But I think it’s a bit of a chicken egg scenario. You have to be in a healthy place mentally to do those things. But doing those things helps your mental state. I think it’s best to approach it from both angles. Work on yourself and healing in therapy. And at the same time push yourself to do the activities that are good for you (even if you don’t feel like it). Fake it ‘til you make it? I’ve been in that dark place. I know how stuck it feels. Good for you for asking for help! For asking for advice and for looking for solutions! You’ll figure this out!
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Post by warmways on Jun 30, 2019 21:36:14 GMT -5
I agree. Divorce is hard. Harder than I expected but it was what I had to do. It was a necessary pain.i found you just have to take it really slowly through the healing process. Some feelings come up that can be unexpected. Like wanting to go back. Just be proud of yourself for taking the steps for yourself and leaving the toxicity
Know that you will feel better. It just takes a lot of time and patience to turn towards yourself instead of the habit of always giving to somebody who can’t give back. All of us are different in how we feel and I had strong emotions too but for some reason I am getting through as you will.
You can do this. You’ve gotten so far already.
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Post by workingonit on Jul 15, 2019 21:12:30 GMT -5
Hi all I wanted to write a quick update for the curious but also for me. I need to be able to reread this! I have been having zip code therapy for my h's month long trip away. It has been eye opening and I want to remember all of this tomorrow when he returns.
The first week was really hard. As we had discussed he was not in touch with me other than a text to tell me he was there and all was ok. This was our first stretch without daily communication. As I already said, the beginning was difficult. I felt like I was missing him and reaching for him in my mind in this weird couple way. I cried frequently and felt very sad and scared to be on my own.
And then something changed. I don't exactly know what but I just... stopped feeling sad. I began to calmly take in the space I felt at his absence. I began to really feel like I was waking up. I stepped into the void and felt somehow more whole than I do when he is around. There was a freedom, a sense of peace and relief that came over me. I stopped thinking about him. I stopped seeing things that I thought would interest him. I just stopped feeling responsible for him and his emotional and physical well being. For example, the first week there was a heat wave in Europe and I was worried about him as he hates the heat. I texted him about it and he told me a story about basically getting heat stroke. The second week I did not even think about it nor ask him nor even follow up with how he was feeling. That may seem heartless but for me it was an enormous revelation.
I really do have codependency. I have really felt like I need to take care of this man for the last 19 years. My therapist pointed out this week that I sound like I am letting go of the guilt that has weighed me down for so many years and kept me in this terrible cycle. I feel that right now- a clear and total sense that HE is responsible for himself and that I am NOT his caretaker nor is he my obligation. I get to choose to leave and he gets to take care of himself. I know this sounds simple but it is a revelation to me. I knew it intelectually but now I feel it viscerally.
While he was gone I had the pleasure of managing my own finances, dealing with getting my older son's loans and finances and travel arrangements ready for college, managed the house on my own, and handled the worst situation to date with my youngest son. Alone! And it was amazing to realize that he would not have been helpful for any of that. I would have dealt with it on my own anyway but I would have had the illusion that I had a partner.
And note to myself: After the worst night of my parenting life with my problem child I texted my h to call me saying that shit had been really bad. He texted me back that he was at a museum with a friend and would call when he could. 6 hours later he called. 6 FUCKING HOURS! (I don't know about you but if someone told me there was a problem with my kid I would call asap even if I was being entertained by the fucking Queen of England) Then he said that "sounded hard" and proceeded to tell me about his trip. He then never called again though he did text to ask how things with kid were going. He also NEVER called that child and texted him ONCE in a month. That text came yesterday, a full 2 weeks after the horrible night, to tell him that he would be home soon and he hoped he was well. My therapist asked me to imagine how that night would have gone down if my h was home and I realized he would have made it horrible. He likely would have called the police and had my son committed, which would NOT have been helpful (trust me) and my therapist agreed with that assessment. In the time since my son and I have been closer than ever and he has made some progress in his mental health, which is huge. I am hoping this terrible experience will be a catalyst for real change.
What has zip code therapy taught me? I will be fine without him. In fact, the relief of the guilt and the burden of his emotional distress will actually improve my life enormously. I have my own work to do on being my optimal self but that will be easier moving forward. I did get the number of a divorce attorney and a back up attorney. And have the firm direction from my therapist to call a realtor and have a consultation about putting my house on the market now. He comes home tomorrow. Wish me luck to keep my resolve, keep moving forward, avoid back sliding into guilt and responsibility for him, and generally getting the fuck out.
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Post by sadkat on Jul 15, 2019 21:56:50 GMT -5
Thank you for the update workingonit. I’m so glad you had this opportunity to be on your own and reflect on what life would be like without h. I’m rooting for you, girl! Stay strong. What you are working through is not easy by any means. You’ll have days when you wonder if you are doing the right thing. Power through those days knowing that there will be light and happiness at the end of this tough journey. I’m sorry you’ve had a challenging time with your son. I know that could not have been easy. Good Luck to you! Hugs!!
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Post by baza on Jul 15, 2019 21:59:44 GMT -5
Zipcode therapy (provided it's long enough) is often-times a game changer Sister workingonit . I reckon permanent zipcode therapy is something you'll find even more life enhancing - but it will be shit in the short term as you work your way out. (And FWIW I reckon your spouse will do ok in his new life as well, whether that means he starts sorting out his own shit, or whether it means him grooming a new partner into his version of a relationship)
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Post by workingonit on Jul 17, 2019 13:09:45 GMT -5
Zipcode therapy (provided it's long enough) is often-times a game changer Sister workingonit . I reckon permanent zipcode therapy is something you'll find even more life enhancing - but it will be shit in the short term as you work your way out. (And FWIW I reckon your spouse will do ok in his new life as well, whether that means he starts sorting out his own shit, or whether it means him grooming a new partner into his version of a relationship) I agree Baz he will be fine. I imagine he will even find another relationship. He is impressive and communicative and good looking (though heavy) and there are tons of not very sexual middle aged women out there.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 17, 2019 14:46:10 GMT -5
workingonit So how did it go with his return? I find there is always some anxiety when zip code therapy ends.
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Post by workingonit on Jul 17, 2019 21:35:29 GMT -5
workingonit So how did it go with his return? I find there is always some anxiety when zip code therapy ends. Oh! Good to hear! It is... anxious. Weird. I think something shifted for both of us. I will let you know.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jul 19, 2019 2:34:32 GMT -5
@workingonit - you got this.
I wanted to comment on the being with someone else thing. I wasn't with anyone else for two years after separation. The sadness does fade as you've discovered. But the loneliness doesn't always. What happens instead is that you realise how lonely you were inside the marriage and how that loneliness is so much worse than loneliness from actually being alone. The loneliness from being alone is actionable - you go out, you seek out, you make connection.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 19, 2019 9:21:40 GMT -5
@workingonit - you got this. I wanted to comment on the being with someone else thing. I wasn't with anyone else for two years after separation. The sadness does fade as you've discovered. But the loneliness doesn't always. What happens instead is that you realise how lonely you were inside the marriage and how that loneliness is so much worse than loneliness from actually being alone. The loneliness from being alone is actionable - you go out, you seek out, you make connection. I agree. After being out my my SM now for more than a year I would much rather deal with the occasional loneliness I now face than the feelings of deep loneliness I had when still in my SM. Being lonely when you have a supposed “life-partner” feels much more soul crushing. Like I was stuck. Mired in it. (Until I decided to make the change and become un-stuck, that is.) Now, if I feel lonely I call up a friend, I make plans, I reach out, I go do something. It all feels much lighter now.
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Post by workingonit on Jul 19, 2019 16:43:05 GMT -5
So this is not the place for a song but it is my thread so whatever! I listened to this song for the first time in years and years. My h always used to say this song was about me and him. He used to say I was his dandelion. I thought that was sweet at the time and showed that he appreciated my firey-ness (?). Now that I am listening to this song I realize it is about 2 people that are incompatible and breaking up! Should have been a pretty clear sign! "You were looking for a tea light and I will always be a forest fire"
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 19, 2019 18:21:12 GMT -5
😓😓😓😓😓 Omfg. Just, wow. That hits hard.
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timedelay
Full Member
Posts: 153
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Jul 21, 2019 18:14:46 GMT -5
Damn. Rings so true for me too..
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Post by workingonit on Oct 3, 2019 19:50:50 GMT -5
Hey all Updating this thread just because I need to vent. Warning I am a wee bit tipsy after hanging out with a friend but such is my life at the moment. I am quite aware of the dangers of leaning on alcohol or weed as my coping mechanisms right now so no worries. I am, thus far, managing to use and not abuse and I am staying honest with loved ones who will call me on my shit if I take it too far.
So my h was away for a week. During this time I had another really bad episode with my son and ended up crying to some friends about it and getting some much needed support and even some ideas for how to access more support in the future. In talking to my friends they really supported me in talking to a lawyer and starting the process of moving toward divorce for ME and for my overall mental health (my bestie: "dropping the dead weight cannot hurt") as well as my son's mental health (as being neglected by his father is not generally helpful).
My h came home last night and we were chatting about his trip. He stayed with a spiritual mentor and teacher of his and he talked about our path toward divorce and my h's despair about it. He relayed the following conversation:
H: our relationship is not fixable Mentor: whY? what went wrong? H: we have sexual issues still and my personal issues meant I have struggled to parent xxx (our youngest son) and left her alone to deal with it. Mentor: you know I was divorced and am not anti-divorce in any way. In fact, it is an imperative for some relationships. But I have no tolerance for stupid divorce. And you still love your wife so it sounds like a stupid divorce. Do not rush to divorce. I suggest you try harder.
My h to me: So I have a tiny flame of hope that we can fix this. Me: Did you tell him we have not had sex in 10 years and you were unwilling to even talk about it for a number of years? And even when you did "work" on it nothing changed? H: No, I told him sex was a problem between us. Me: I would say it is slightly more than a "problem"
My best friend recently told me "you are going to have to carry this whole thing because he will not. And you are going to have to be wiling to hurt him because he is going to freak out and cry every time to you try to move forward toward divorce. It is going to take you being incredibly strong."
Thank the Good Lord I have 2 best friends that know me VERY well and know my h as well. They see the story clearly and are such an amazing support for me. I am nearing the end of caring what delusion he is in. But I am aware it will take all my own strength, a tremendous level of self growth to move out of co-dependence and start taking my own initiative.
(On a totally side note: we did individual therapy about 14 years ago with this mentor. He is a Rabbi and a therapist. I was contemplating divorce at the time due to sexual issues. The Mentor "saw" me right away. He truly understood me in a way that was WEIRD. He "guessed" that my best lover had been aggressive and had dominated me. He told my h to "smack" me around during sex. My h was appalled and told me right away and did not do that. I wonder what would have happened if he had actually listened. Just a random alcohol infused thought....)
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