firefollower
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Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by firefollower on May 15, 2019 11:43:51 GMT -5
Curious if anyone else had successful strategies for that in between time when you are still living together and still married but both aware it is over. northstarmom ? I know you had that with your ex but you were both pretty checked out, no? Anyone else? Remaking civil with each other and keeping everything very light seems to work for us. No deep serious conversations unless it’s absolutely possible. The interactions between my wife and me are almost entirely transactional in nature. They are about what needs to done in the house, groceries to buy, or about our kids. Very little about ‘us’. Those conversations have already happened and there’s no point in venturing down that rabbit-hole again. Yes, my situation exactly...no deep conversations. I also found that conversations about our future have stopped. We were considering moving out of California after I retire...we used to look at homes in other states...we are no longer having those conversations. Without saying it...I think we both know where we are headed.
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Post by idgaf96 on May 17, 2019 14:23:13 GMT -5
Quick recap if you have not been following: we are going to divorce but due to family issues and financial issues we are still in the same house. The path forward is not clear and there is no clear timeline. MISTAKE! My h is spiraling downward. His mental health is really suffering and his physical health. It is unbelievably hard to watch. In addition to it just being really difficult to live with someone in blatant crisis it also challenges my own deep seated co-dependency pattern. I keep feeling like I have to fix this for him, make him feel better. I find myself making sure all of his favorite healthy foods are available, checking in with him about his work and his assignments, giving him lots of attention and caring. This is the oldest, deepest, worse pattern between us- he makes himself helpless and I step in to take care of him. It is both of our worst and most problematic patterns from childhood- me believing I am strong and need to take care of everyone and everything, him believing he is helpless and a victim. This is the real death of our relationship, I believe. Anyway, he is a hot mess. This weekend he is away and the feeling of relief is tremendous. He has been having physical symptoms as well. And putting on weight like it is his mission. He admitted to me via text and he feels like he is walling himself off from emotional connection and the weight is a physical symbol of that. I actually had this sudden flash that he was suicidal despite that not being something he has said nor does he have any diagnosed mental illness. He (wisely) said it was killing him to live with me. It hurt so much to hear that as I have always tried to be a source of support for this man. I spent a day feeling like a failure, wallowed in self pity. Then I pulled on my big girl pants and sat with a friend to brainstorm ways to financially and practically get him out of the house. Obviously my priority is my son and making sure he is safe and stable in as much as it is within my power to do so. We generated an excellent list. I will attempt to broach these with him, hoping he is stable enough to engage the conversation. And I believe I should work on my codepedency in therapy. At least I am self aware enough to recognize it. And, dear friends, it is time to have that legal consult I have been putting off. Reading this reminds me of my situation. My husband is so unstable and suffers from some serious mental challenges that have progressed to a place over 17 years that makes me scared to leave him. I do not think he is mentally or physically able to care for himself. I honestly dont know how he even holds his job as a truck driver. We are also still in the same house and have gone through some horrible moments through this process. Some even bad enough for the cops to come and calm him. My advice is to appease him. The less conversations the better. Try to step back and let him he accountable for himself but not to a destructive level. I have told my husband that even after the divorce I will be available for him when he needs me. I plan on making sure he is taken care of for the long haul. There is no one else who will and even though we are done I still deeply care for him and his well being.
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Post by shamwow on May 17, 2019 16:23:27 GMT -5
Quick recap if you have not been following: we are going to divorce but due to family issues and financial issues we are still in the same house. The path forward is not clear and there is no clear timeline. MISTAKE! My h is spiraling downward. His mental health is really suffering and his physical health. It is unbelievably hard to watch. In addition to it just being really difficult to live with someone in blatant crisis it also challenges my own deep seated co-dependency pattern. I keep feeling like I have to fix this for him, make him feel better. I find myself making sure all of his favorite healthy foods are available, checking in with him about his work and his assignments, giving him lots of attention and caring. This is the oldest, deepest, worse pattern between us- he makes himself helpless and I step in to take care of him. It is both of our worst and most problematic patterns from childhood- me believing I am strong and need to take care of everyone and everything, him believing he is helpless and a victim. This is the real death of our relationship, I believe. Anyway, he is a hot mess. This weekend he is away and the feeling of relief is tremendous. He has been having physical symptoms as well. And putting on weight like it is his mission. He admitted to me via text and he feels like he is walling himself off from emotional connection and the weight is a physical symbol of that. I actually had this sudden flash that he was suicidal despite that not being something he has said nor does he have any diagnosed mental illness. He (wisely) said it was killing him to live with me. It hurt so much to hear that as I have always tried to be a source of support for this man. I spent a day feeling like a failure, wallowed in self pity. Then I pulled on my big girl pants and sat with a friend to brainstorm ways to financially and practically get him out of the house. Obviously my priority is my son and making sure he is safe and stable in as much as it is within my power to do so. We generated an excellent list. I will attempt to broach these with him, hoping he is stable enough to engage the conversation. And I believe I should work on my codepedency in therapy. At least I am self aware enough to recognize it. And, dear friends, it is time to have that legal consult I have been putting off. Reading this reminds me of my situation. My husband is so unstable and suffers from some serious mental challenges that have progressed to a place over 17 years that makes me scared to leave him. I do not think he is mentally or physically able to care for himself. I honestly dont know how he even holds his job as a truck driver. We are also still in the same house and have gone through some horrible moments through this process. Some even bad enough for the cops to come and calm him. My advice is to appease him. The less conversations the better. Try to step back and let him he accountable for himself but not to a destructive level. I have told my husband that even after the divorce I will be available for him when he needs me. I plan on making sure he is taken care of for the long haul. There is no one else who will and even though we are done I still deeply care for him and his well being. Very noble. Likely completely futile, but noble.
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Post by workingonit on Jun 21, 2019 17:24:57 GMT -5
Oh my dear friends that have survived this divorce process....how do you do it?
It hurts so much. I feel like I am mourning a death. It makes me go back in my head and say "Maybe if we just....."
But that way is just doing the same thing yet again and wishing for a different outcome. Just wanting things to be different has never worked. I tried recently to share my pain with him a bit, thinking we could connect and maybe make this easier for both of us. After crying and feeling raw and vulnerable I asked for a hug. I did not get it. Later he told me he was protecting himself. Ok. Just more rejection for me.
Anyway, he is gone right now for a month. Zip code therapy allowing me to mourn him and us in a way I cannot when he is here. I am just really sad. He is a special person and I liked having him as my person in many ways. But he was never willing to really do the work we needed to do to fix this.
I am mourning the dream and the promise of this marriage. I am mourning the companionship. I must remember that it was only ever a dream, really. I am a natural monogamist I believe. I like having "my person." I like devoting myself to one partner and one relationship. I was willing to put up with so much neglect because I believe deeply in commitment. My mind keeps sort of reaching for him like an amputee. Will he always be my phantom limb? Ugh. That is part of this awful severing feeling in me now.
I guess it is just super painful to go through this and it feels like how could it be the right thing if it hurts so much? Sometimes life is just sucky though. There is no pain free path here.
Maybe when we start divvying up assets I will get mad again. Mad sounds better than sad 😜
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Post by shamwow on Jun 21, 2019 17:49:08 GMT -5
Oh my dear friends that have survived this divorce process....how do you do it? It hurts so much. I feel like I am mourning a death. It makes me go back in my head and say "Maybe if we just....." But that way is just doing the same thing yet again and wishing for a different outcome. Just wanting things to be different has never worked. I tried recently to share my pain with him a bit, thinking we could connect and maybe make this easier for both of us. After crying and feeling raw and vulnerable I asked for a hug. I did not get it. Later he told me he was protecting himself. Ok. Just more rejection for me. Anyway, he is gone right now for a month. Zip code therapy allowing me to mourn him and us in a way I cannot when he is here. I am just really sad. He is a special person and I liked having him as my person in many ways. But he was never willing to really do the work we needed to do to fix this. I am mourning the dream and the promise of this marriage. I am mourning the companionship. I must remember that it was only ever a dream, really. I am a natural monogamist I believe. I like having "my person." I like devoting myself to one partner and one relationship. I was willing to put up with so much neglect because I believe deeply in commitment. My mind keeps sort of reaching for him like an amputee. Will he always be my phantom limb? Ugh. That is part of this awful severing feeling in me now. I guess it is just super painful to go through this and it feels like how could it be the right thing if it hurts so much? Sometimes life is just sucky though. There is no pain free path here. Maybe when we start divvying up assets I will get mad again. Mad sounds better than sad 😜 You mourn for what should have been. This is natural and normal. It sucks and, at least in my case, passed.
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 21, 2019 18:09:49 GMT -5
I wish I had helpful advice, here. Change is always difficult.
In my case, letting go of my ex was made much easier by her distancing herself and unleashing her lawyer on me. Some couples end up as friends at some point after a divorce. That is not in the cards for me.
It was also easier having a long distance relationship. Even sleeping alone, I know there is someone out there that loves me the way I need to be loved, a way that my ex never could. This is by no means an ideal situation, but it is so much better than where I was, and where I would have stayed except for the fact that staying was more painful than the prospect of leaving.
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Post by workingonit on Jun 21, 2019 18:58:55 GMT -5
Both of you ironhamster and shamwow have your person. You have that love that you can turn to in your mind, that can shore you up on some level, even though you are both not living with your people yet. I wonder if that sadness/mourning would have lingered more if you had not fallen in love pretty quickly? There is no way to know I guess. But I do think love is the best way to heal. Either way, you both give me so much hope. As do all the others here that have gone on to find love again. It is a little hard right now to have hope but generally I am hopeful. Just sad tonight.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 21, 2019 19:35:20 GMT -5
When I set about ending the marriage it began with me distancing myself from her on every level. There were no more hugs, no kisses, no flowers bought just because it would please her to get a gift unexpectedly. If we were to be room mates then for my part I was going to do just that. She actually made the decision to leave at that point. I did all I could think of to help her, including going with her to look at new dwellings. As a builder I could readily see defects or problems most people would not see if they looked for an hour. I tried to be as helpful as a good friend, because that's what I wanted for us going forward, to still be friends. I had no hard feelings. I came to recognize her attitude about intimacy was just a part of who she was. We used the same lawyer to draw up the separation agreement. I gave her whatever she wanted from our home for her new place. I tried to be generous regarding the money or other assets, because I wanted her to get off to a good start. I too mourned the loss of what could have been. It took a while but eventually the hurt passed and I set about rebuilding a life that included sex and intimacy. I have been fortunate to have shared those things with new lovers and friends. I haven't found a lasting relationship as yet. A year or so seems to be pretty much the standard duration for my relationships now. But I'm not looking to remarry. Twice was enough for me to conclude I am not very good at it. Don't "why' chase any more. You gave it your best shot. Time to put "why chasing " behind you. Trust me, the sadness will pass with time.
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Post by sadkat on Jun 21, 2019 19:48:25 GMT -5
I’m sorry you are feeling sad workingonit. I too have been through something similar- more nostalgia than anything else. It may not seem that way tonight but you’ll find that you’ll begin to enjoy the time away from him. You can still focus on staying friends while dissolving the marriage. That’s really the best of both worlds. For tonight, be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve and understand that it is perfectly normal. Think of something you really enjoy doing and plan to do it over the weekend. I’ll be thinking of you- you’ve got this! Hugs to you!!
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 21, 2019 20:05:01 GMT -5
“I tried recently to share my pain with him a bit, thinking we could connect and maybe make this easier for both of us.”
Don’t expect the person whom you are divorcing to be your shoulder to cry on. You are the one causing the other pain. You can’t also comfort each other.
Turn to friends who’ve been through divorce, a divorce support group or a therapist experienced with helping people who are divorcing.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 21, 2019 20:08:47 GMT -5
“I tried recently to share my pain with him a bit, thinking we could connect and maybe make this easier for both of us.” Don’t expect the person whom you are divorcing to be your shoulder to cry on. You are the one causing the other pain. You can’t also comfort each other. Turn to friends who’ve been through divorce, a divorce support group or a therapist experienced with helping people who are divorcing. As rough as it sounds I agree completely. Divorce is a time to disconnect. It sucks, it is hard, and it's necessary to move on.
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 21, 2019 20:12:50 GMT -5
Both of you ironhamster and shamwow have your person. You have that love that you can turn to in your mind, that can shore you up on some level, even though you are both not living with your people yet. I wonder if that sadness/mourning would have lingered more if you had not fallen in love pretty quickly? There is no way to know I guess. But I do think love is the best way to heal. Either way, you both give me so much hope. As do all the others here that have gone on to find love again. It is a little hard right now to have hope but generally I am hopeful. Just sad tonight. It would have been harder. There was a point last year where I thought I was losing idgaf96, and had to reflect on my situation, weighing it solely on the merits of staying versus going. I was glad to be out. The prospect of being alone but on the hunt were far better than the thought of going back. I have faith in you and your future, workingonit.
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Post by Handy on Jun 22, 2019 3:54:59 GMT -5
(((((workingonit))))) I don't know what else to do or say. In case you don't know (((((name))))) equals cyber hugs.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2019 7:58:57 GMT -5
First of all, hugs for the journey. Divorce is hell. I've been divorced coming up on a year. I'm in a pretty good place, but I will not lie and tell you that I'm completely OK with my divorce. I am NOT. I still miss my family. I even miss my drunk, emotionally abusive/neglectful spouse. I still love him. Yep.
As far as strategies for getting through the living together period... Stay busy and stay away as much as you can. That's what we did. We just avoided each other, not much different than when we were married and "making it work."
But be prepared for the grief to continue. I still cry about my divorce. I grieve for what should have been. But I also grieve the little things that /were/. Those little things my ex did for me that I didn't appreciate. Like the rare occasions when he made the coffee. Or those times when he helped around the house. Or the things he did for the kids. I miss those things. No one is all bad. Even our SM spouses are not ALL bad.
And I miss the presence of another person, a man, in my home. I don't like living alone. And I don't like being unmarried. I hate not having a ring on my left hand. I feel like people look at my left hand and wonder and judge. Men look and notice and debate whether to hit on me or not. I can see it in their eyes. I hate that too. It makes me feel like a piece of meat or property.
I am not dating anyone. I agree with you, workingonit, it would be easier to move on if there were someone else to love. But there isn't right now. So, I am trying to embrace being alone because I won't settle for a man who isn't right for me. I'll just keep doing my thing. Maybe it isn't my path to have a relationship. I'm ok with that. I'll make other plans for my life.
I will say, a tremendous burden is gone from my life and you will likely feel that too once he's out of your home. I have so much more energy and joy for life now. I spent inordinate amounts of time and mental energy ruminating on my marriage. It weighed on me terribly. You'll feel that weight lifting. And you'll have that energy for other things. That's the biggest benefit to me of divorce.
My ex and I are actually friends now. I see him a few times a week during kid exchanges. We text. We actually get along better now than ever. That's another benefit to divorce. Heck, I can even see us living in side by side condos one day, if neither of us remarries. He's like a mostly indifferent older brother to me now. He's cordial. He's even helpful. Not loving, but enough of a support that I could lean on him if I need to. And with my expectations at zero, now that we are divorced, I'm in a better place.
Sorry for rambling. I just wanted to offer my perspective and experience, in case it's helpful. Hang in there sister. One day at a time.
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Post by elynne on Jun 28, 2019 9:46:31 GMT -5
Curious if anyone else had successful strategies for that in between time when you are still living together and still married but both aware it is over. northstarmom ? I know you had that with your ex but you were both pretty checked out, no? Anyone else? Yes. I’ve been pretty quiet. Remnants of my abusive and sexless marriage. I’m afraid that the stbx will protest our own divorce and fuck me over as the end is in sight. But - that said, we’ve been divorcing (in mediation) since January of this year. We signed our divorce covenant on June 6th. It takes about 6 weeks before it’s finalized and registered (and can’t be undone). It was a fucking nightmare. The mediator- recommended to my husband by the wife of one of his colleagues - was worthless, emotionally tone deaf, and incapable of simple math. But I survived. I stood up for myself. I was in control of my emotions. I prepared well. I made sure I ate healthy, had enough sleep and went regularly to an excellent therapist and sought top notch legal advice. I surrounded myself with friends who knew the whole shit show and encouraged and supported me. I could have not have gotten a fair settlement from my ex-husband without that support. The odds were stacked against me and it was in my second language! Now - living together. We have a guest house which makes it easier to create some distance. But in the absence of a guest house create space. Separate bedrooms. If you don’t have kids together there is no reason for you to spend much time together. Meals apart. Alternate weekends out of the house. Shift your schedule so that you miss each other. My ex started leaving slightly earlier for work. I started having breakfast with the kids slightly later so most mornings we never had to see each other. The next step is emotionally detaching. Get a good therapist. This is money so well spent! No when my ex pulls one of his typical bullshit moves, something in the past felt like an emotional gut punch - I look at him like “what is wrong with you” - and I laugh at him. I tell him he’s being ridiculous. He’s stepping up his game and trying to make me out to be the bad guy. Whatever. The folks who believe that story can have him. My true friends know me. Know that I’m a kind and decent person who lived through hell trying anything I could think of to save and then just survive my marriage. Being able to not be affected by his attempts at manipulation is a saving grace! I’m stuck living in the guest house until the end of August. Two of those weeks stbx is away on vacation. 2 weeks I’m away. And the rest of the time I interact with him only when necessary. I keep it short and polite when we must interact. If he gets out of line I call him on it immediately. Tell him he was out of line. And then disengage. If possible I leave the room. I hope that helps. Of all the tips - therapy (using EMDR) was the most useful for me.
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