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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 12, 2019 3:35:18 GMT -5
Just reading here got me thinking about my past. About the missed opportunities to end this, but I was so immature and so crazy in love with this man.
Thinking about when we met in person after online and I moved in to kiss him passionately and touch him and he pushed me away and said, its not going to be like that. He was right, it has never got better.
About no sex on the wedding night and not for several weeks.
About the oceans of tears I have cried.
About several months after the wedding when he tells me he loves me but is not in love with me. About thinking if I was just good enough, giving enough, loving enough it would make the difference.
About the almost 18 years of his porn addiction and his sexting others and how he tells other women they are beautiful or sexy or gorgeous but all I ever get is, you look nice and thst is begrudged.
Then thinking about all I have gone through to come to accepting this will never change. Then the renewal of hope when he chose to get caverject and I thought he wanted me. It sat there for 3 months and when I told him a couple of weeks ago that upset me he got nasty and said he wont use it.
That was the moment we totally ended. Then I am angry with myself because we should never have started.
We have an easy companionship, enjoy each others company. If we divorced we would both be in a mess and he would likely die because of low blood sugar in his sleep and no one beside him to help. So I am staying.
I want to outsource and perhaps he would like me to, perhaps if he catches me he can tell everyone it was all my fault.
I tried jokingly saying he would not mind if I did, he laughed and stopped laughing that I was serious but has not replied or talked aboug it. Just more silence.
I have to be happy. With a sane mind I need someone else. I need to feel like a desired woman before its too late. I am 61.
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Post by baza on May 12, 2019 5:28:32 GMT -5
Whatever you end up choosing to do Sister cassiopeia92 , you need to just "do". You are not obliged to have your spouse agree to what you end up choosing to do - you are quite entitled to do what you want to do, without reference to him. Looking outside the marriage is a perfectly valid choice available to you. And, based on the various stories in this group, it is usually a game changing choice. Trouble is it can and often does spin things off at entirely unpredictable tangents, up to and including divorce. For this reason it is as well to prepare for this on the same basis as you would if you were choosing to divorce, so it would be a good idea to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would shake out for you.
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Post by angeleyes65 on May 12, 2019 10:08:01 GMT -5
All I can say after reading that post is you stayed too long . My heart hurts for you. Since he flipped the script as soon as you married I feel like you owe him nothing regardless of his health. You deserve to be happy. Outsource , leave whatever works for you. As Baza said make sure if you get caught you can deal with what follows. That being said I never got caught. But there is always that chance. If you are breathing never to late to be happy. I also stayed too long welcome to the club,
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Post by worksforme2 on May 12, 2019 12:03:55 GMT -5
Just reading here got me thinking about my past. About the missed opportunities to end this, but I was so immature and so crazy in love with this man. About thinking if I was just good enough, giving enough, loving enough it would make the difference. Then thinking about all I have gone through to come to accepting this will never change. We have an easy companionship, enjoy each others company. I want to outsource and perhaps he would like me to, perhaps if he catches me he can tell everyone it was all my fault. I tried jokingly saying he would not mind if I did, he laughed and stopped laughing that I was serious but has not replied or talked aboug it. Just more silence. I have to be happy. With a sane mind I need someone else. I need to feel like a desired woman before its too late. I am 61. There are portions of this post that spoke to me. Much reminds me of how my marriage was. We were very compatible on so many aspects of our relationship, our goals, politics, philosophies of life. But when my now X ended the intimacy we had enjoyed for decades without so much as mentioning it to me in passing I was at a loss. So like you and so many others here I tried everything I could think of or come up with to make it work again. Toward the end I even ask her to allow me a FWB, but she refused. I was desperately unhappy and needed to feel wanted again. But that card wasn't in the deck any longer. I was 65 at the time I officially called "time of death" on my marriage. It was the right decision for me. If she had gone along with a don't ask, don't tell approach to sex we might still be married. You have hinted along this line to your H and it did not seem well received. Maybe it's time to be more specific to see if he would be willing to go along with it. You know him best so think it through before doing so. But for me I knew I could not live the rest of my life on a few dribbles of intimacy a couple times a year. Good luck.
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spencer
Junior Member
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Posts: 50
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Post by spencer on May 12, 2019 18:39:29 GMT -5
Ouch, so painful to read accounts like this, perhaps because they are so close to home in feelings and circumstances (wedding night same as mine).
I agree with other comments, you have no duty of care there anymore, and as you get older the burden on you could increase dramatically, do you think you would get the same care back if you suddenly needed it?
I recognise the putting others before yourself thing as I over do that too, but as I'm starting to realise that there is nothing wrong with looking after yourself too. I see how it is a case of balancing things up but it sounds to me you need to rock the boat in order to change things. This is easy to say, but practical things like potential loneliness and financial security can be important factors to secure too so I guess that is why being on here helps figure things out?
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Post by workingonit on May 12, 2019 18:59:22 GMT -5
Welcome cassiopeia92 . Not sure if you meant to post in the "choosing to stay" thread as it does not look like you are. But assuming it was not a mistake for a second, you have come to the painful reality that what you have with this man is all you will get from him. That is pretty damn realistic. People can change but rarely do, particularly when they do not see the problem. So, are you actually "choosing to stay", even for now? If so, why?
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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 13, 2019 1:21:03 GMT -5
I did mean to post here. The reasons to stay are his health, that we are good companions outside of any romantic connection and that I dont see being able to live the life I have now without him financially. It is not that he is well off, we are not well off, pooling our money gives us a decent home and we have 3 dogs.
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Post by warmways on May 13, 2019 2:09:37 GMT -5
This sounds so hard. I can relate to so much of what you shared and agree with all the comments.
Would you really be in a mess if you divorced? Thinking about leaving is daunting but if you break the steps down and make incremental changes it can be doable
From the way it sounds you certainly don’t owe him anything re caring for him. I had a similar fear because my ex had physical problems but many people finally convinced me to save myself. Now I realize I didn’t cause the illness, I wasn’t responsible for it and didn’t have to be his caregiver It’s easy to be angry at yourself …it’s not your fault. Instead of making yourself feel worse imo it’s best to do the opposite and do whatever it is to give yourself the caring he refuses to do.
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Post by baza on May 13, 2019 2:58:18 GMT -5
Do you actually know how being single would shake out financially for you Sister cassiopeia92 ? Setting aside the ILIASM matter, "anyone" in a marriage needs to know the answer to this question as a matter of course....as all marriages end. Death or divorce see to that. Brother obobfla 's run of stories might be worth your while reading in this regard. One other thing. You do not have to remain married to someone to still be a person of support to them.
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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 13, 2019 4:36:54 GMT -5
My daughter is looking into whether I could get benefits to shore up my pensions, it was her job do she is expert at this. It is also a possibility at the moment that I might receive disability due to arthritis issues. We are looking into that too. If he were to die I would get the spouse portion of his USA pension which would be higher than I will get as I only lived and worked there 14 years.
Once I reach 66 I get an almost full UK pension in addition to my USA and 2 small private pensions. That would be what I have to live on. I know I would have to rent a much smaller place and it has to be a house with a garden for the dogs.
Yesterday he told me I was a negative ninny and it drives him crazy. Talked to my dsughter and she agreed with him. As that is not who I want to be I have downloaded some positive thinking books to help me change my attitude. I refuse to let the situation eith him define my happiness or drag me down.
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Post by northstarmom on May 13, 2019 10:43:17 GMT -5
Cassiopeia, have you considered moving to a different country where the cost of living is cheaper? For instance, I have read that Portugal is among places where Europeans move in order to have a more affordable retirement. I myself am moving from the U.S. to Mexico next month. My move is due in part to the 33% lower cost of living in Mexico compared to the U.S. Incidentally, if you are concerned about making such a move as a single woman, I have met single women in their 60s from various countries, including Europe, who moved to Mexico (and other places) and are living happy lives in their new places of residence. Expats also have told me that if one moves to an area with a lot of retired expats, it's fairly easy to make friends as most people in such areas welcome new friends as they left their old friends behind.
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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 13, 2019 11:57:23 GMT -5
Long ago I did. But I have 2 children here and my 6 grandchildren range in age from 2 to 22, I am not leaving them again, my daughter would kill me.
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Post by obobfla on May 13, 2019 21:16:52 GMT -5
Since my name was mentioned, I will chime in. I used to post frequently in this forum, as I was once in a sexless marriage. Then my wife died. I am no longer married or sexless. I am dating a very understanding woman, and we meet at least once a week. But be careful what you wish for. I wish my wife was still alive, and we were divorced. In spite of all we went through, I miss her. I could go on and hijack the entire forum, but my point is this - widowhood really sucks. There is not only the empty space she leaves behind, but all the guilt of wanting to leave her and not doing more to keep her alive. I shouldn’t beat myself up. I visited her every day for nine months, and she had breast cancer and a bad heart. If the doctors couldn’t save her, neither could I. This is your thread, cassiopeia92, so I will only echo what everyone here has said. You can’t change your husband. He is responsible for taking his meds and eating right. I´m Type 2 myself. You are responsible for your own happiness. Make yourself happy. If that requires leaving him, so be it. Seriously, take a weekend for yourself. You’ve probably put your husband, kids, and grandchildren first for quite a while. It’s your turn to take care of you. Find an online buddy to flirt with. Maybe that will result in taking a holiday with him. I know I did that, and I didn’t regret it. I’m sure that after years of a marriage like yours, your self image has taken a beating. Work on you. Dress up. Get in shape. Then go get a man who wants you. Trust me, life is too short to be sexless and stuck.
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Post by northstarmom on May 13, 2019 21:27:42 GMT -5
Cassiopeia said: “”long ago I did. But I have 2 children here and my 6 grandchildren range in age from 2 to 22, I am not leaving them again, my daughter would kill me.”
Why is everyone else’s happiness more important than yours, others seem to control how you live your life.
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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 14, 2019 0:34:35 GMT -5
Cassiopeia said: “”long ago I did. But I have 2 children here and my 6 grandchildren range in age from 2 to 22, I am not leaving them again, my daughter would kill me.” Why is everyone else’s happiness more important than yours, others seem to control how you live your life. I do understand why you said that. But I came back to the UK because I missed them so much. I didnt meet my 7 year old grandaughter until she was 3 years old. We were and are not in the income bracket to take a trip here whenever. Handing back my 6 month old grandaughter at that time broke my heart not knowing when I would be back. At the time I could take early retirement my daughter had just announced she was pregnant again. So coming home was for me.
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