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Post by nyctos on Apr 27, 2019 16:20:52 GMT -5
Curious to how he wants you to dress. My ex had a lingerie fetish. I didn't mind wearing it for him when I wanted to. It became a a sticking point when he's s idea of intiating became " do you want sex? Ok go get changed" I guess I wasn't good enough without lingerie. My refuser has a drawer full of unworn lingerie. It breaks my heart every time I see it -- even when we weren't completely sexless she still wrote grandma panties for years. Until she started working again, anyway, and then she wrote normal panties (but still no lingerie).
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firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by firefollower on Apr 27, 2019 19:00:55 GMT -5
Curious to how he wants you to dress. My ex had a lingerie fetish. I didn't mind wearing it for him when I wanted to. It became a a sticking point when he's s idea of intiating became " do you want sex? Ok go get changed" I guess I wasn't good enough without lingerie. My refuser has a drawer full of unworn lingerie. It breaks my heart every time I see it -- even when we weren't completely sexless she still wrote grandma panties for years. Until she started working again, anyway, and then she wrote normal panties (but still no lingerie). Same here, bought some very nice lingerie, very tasteful, lady helped me pick it out...showed the wife...oh, I see you just want me to be a porn actress...can't win.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 27, 2019 22:47:18 GMT -5
jean, I hope you are still with us. You are in a tough situation, and we all know that. We might not know the specifics of your situation, but we have all battled something similar, some of us for years, and some of us for decades. We all came here looking for a way to fix things. I hope you can. The best advice I can give is this. 1) Open and honest communication regarding your expectations for sex and his lack of need. 2) Discernment about what he says, versus what his actions clearly shows. 3) Know what your limits are. Never threaten something you are not willing to follow through with. Know when it is time to follow through.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 1, 2019 18:19:53 GMT -5
Urgh. I think I would want to thump him. I did after a handful of times I said why don't you change. He said into what I said Brad Pitt and walked away sex did not happen lol ROTFL
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Post by Apocrypha on Sept 5, 2019 10:30:37 GMT -5
Early in my twenties, I was in a long term relationship with someone in which I believe I was "the refuser". My partner asked me what the problem was - demanding a response.
I would respond with whatever gripe was at the top of my list about her - which I realize in hindsight was not nearly enough to warrant my avoidant behavior. As these things were resolved, whatever was next on my list of "not perfect" would rise to the top.
Later on, when the shoe was on the other foot, when I got married, I observed a similar process happening to me.
I don't think it's deliberate. It's a situation where, basically, one partner doesn't really see the other as a sexual partner and seeks to avoid it. When asked for a reason that makes sense, they pick whatever is at the top of the list, when usually the problem is much bigger.
If there is a fetish situation, maybe that's integral to feeling hot. I'm not sure how to get around that.
But if you are attractive and fit and his sense of aversion is so great he's overridden his own normal sense of desire to avoid it with you, then this strikes me as a serious aversion - could be to you or to the situation of being married. Either way, "because you don't dress like he wants you to" strikes me as an odd thing. Did you change the way you dress from when he did want you?
What's different now?
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Post by 2019change on Sept 5, 2019 15:16:26 GMT -5
I have been with my husband for about 10 years. He is 40 and I'm 39. I am very attractive and fit. He says we haven't had sex in 8 months because I don't dress likes he wants me to. I feel like he's blaming me for our lack of intimacy. I go to work Monday through Friday and men find me attractive daily so I kinda confused. I have tried so many times. Bout to give up and tired of the constant rejection. Any advice. "The best defense is a good offense". And look how well its working, he blames you, and here you are starting to believe it, And because this is your fault you accept it and so he gets to go on with the sexless life with you he wants. It's time to stop blaming yourself and hold him accountable.
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