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Post by rejected101 on Apr 19, 2019 4:23:32 GMT -5
I do appreciate the answer to this may not be quantifiable or even helpful, but my wife does like sex but she likes it rarely. She could easily go 2 or 3 months without having sex but then for one night she will be like the female version of Christian Grey. Another time she will go 4, 5 or 6 weeks. I must admit I find this really confusing and difficult sometimes as she puts it all down to sex drive. Personally I will never believe that it’s not possible to have sex one time per week for the most part and still enjoy it. Maybe I’m wrong. Just once per week! Anyway, on with my question. What is more difficult? Having sex more often then you would naturally choose to or having sex way less then you would naturally choose to?
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Post by baza on Apr 19, 2019 6:07:23 GMT -5
I think that human nature generally is, that it is "easier"to reduce a need than it is to increase it. "Easier" to lower the bar than it is to raise it.
That would apply to sex too.
Actually, you see this exact thing in action here in many members stories. Many members lower their sexual expectations of their spouse. And lower the bar again. And again.
Whether one "should" keep lowering the bar can be debated. But the fact is that most of us do lower the bar.
So I would posit that it is 'easier' to adjust downward rather than upward.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2019 8:07:19 GMT -5
I think less sex would be worse for me.
I am starting to feel like I am broken and there is something wrong with me because it seems that the only way I can receive love is through physical affection. The only way I can feel loved, wanted, needed, desired is through physical affection and in my marriage there is very little other than hugs, some cuddling and pecks on the lips.
My wife is fucking amazing in every other measurement. She carries her own weight and then some and is proud to do it. She is so attractive physically and personality wise. She is a great mom to our 4 year old. She takes care of my companionship needs, no question about it.
We hardly ever have sex and it is ALWAYS at my request. You can imagine how me needing this physical connection and not getting it makes me feel.
I feel broken inside. I feel resentful. I want to cry at night. I feel there is a lack of a deeper-level connection. I lower my standards that even a deep kiss or laying in bed naked (without any sexual activity) would be enough, but it does not happen.
Masturbation is the equivalent of eating dry dog food to survive starvation. My sexual fantasy is to have someone look into my eyes with that "I want you so badly" look. Shit, it is not even about sex, I just want to feel loved.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 19, 2019 8:20:04 GMT -5
MichaelJames said: “I am starting to feel like I am broken and there is something wrong with me because it seems that the only way I can receive love is through physical affection. The only way I can feel loved, wanted, needed, desired is through physical affection and in my marriage there is very little other than hugs, some cuddling and pecks on the lips.....We hardly ever have sex and it is ALWAYS at my request. You can imagine how me needing this physical connection and not getting it makes me feel.”
Have you told your wife this? If you have and she isn’t providing more than your wife isn’t as amazing and loving as you believe.
There is nothing wrong with you. You want what most people want and expect in a marriage. If your wife is not able or willing to provide the type of physical affection that is expected within a marriage then she is not compatible with you as a spouse. It’s up to you whether that’s a deal breaker.
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 19, 2019 9:38:01 GMT -5
I have only been in the position of having sex more than I wanted once in my life. My senior yr. in college I met a freshman female. Well one thing led to another and after a few dates we were in bed. She told me she was a virgin so I was her 1st. I guess I did a good job because she soon started coming to my dorm almost every day wanting to have sex. At 1st this was great. But after a couple months I really had had enough p*ssy to last me for a while. I had created a monster. So I ended things with her. Too much of a good thing really is possible.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 19, 2019 10:35:10 GMT -5
I think that human nature generally is, that it is "easier"to reduce a need than it is to increase it. "Easier" to lower the bar than it is to raise it. That would apply to sex too. Actually, you see this exact thing in action here in many members stories. Many members lower their sexual expectations of their spouse. And lower the bar again. And again. Whether one "should" keep lowering the bar can be debated. But the fact is that most of us do lower the bar. So I would posit that it is 'easier' to adjust downward rather than upward. I kept lowering the bar until I tripped... Right out of my marriage. Wish I would have tripped sooner.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 19, 2019 10:37:48 GMT -5
I do appreciate the answer to this may not be quantifiable or even helpful, but my wife does like sex but she likes it rarely. She could easily go 2 or 3 months without having sex but then for one night she will be like the female version of Christian Grey. Another time she will go 4, 5 or 6 weeks. I must admit I find this really confusing and difficult sometimes as she puts it all down to sex drive. Personally I will never believe that it’s not possible to have sex one time per week for the most part and still enjoy it. Maybe I’m wrong. Just once per week! Anyway, on with my question. What is more difficult? Having sex more often then you would naturally choose to or having sex way less then you would naturally choose to? Libidos have to match. Otherwise the partner with the more active libido will be dissatisfied. It's really as simple as that.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 19, 2019 11:04:40 GMT -5
“Libidos have to match. Otherwise the partner with the more active libido will be dissatisfied. It's really as simple as that.”
Also, The lower libido partner will be dissatisfied if their higher libido partner keeps insisting on sex when the ll partner isn’t interested.
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Post by nyctos on Apr 19, 2019 12:21:42 GMT -5
After 3 and a half years of nothing and knowing she watches porn at least occasionally, I can't chalk it up to a difference in libido.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 19, 2019 12:38:20 GMT -5
nyctos said: "After 3 and a half years of nothing and knowing she watches porn at least occasionally, I can't chalk it up to a difference in libido"
Assuming that you now realize that she is interested in sex, just not sex with you, are you going to stay or leave?
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 19, 2019 13:15:00 GMT -5
“Libidos have to match. Otherwise the partner with the more active libido will be dissatisfied. It's really as simple as that.” Also, The lower libido partner will be dissatisfied if their higher libido partner keeps insisting on sex when the ll partner isn’t interested. +1 I’ve long thought that there is no “winner” when one compromises to the other’s sex drive. Asking a low-libido partner to be highly-sexed really isn’t any different than them asking us to give up intimacy. It’s why I think threatening divorce as a motivator (even when willing to follow-through) is a losing strategy. Eventually, they will snap just like we will, trying to pose as something they’re not. (Just as, in many cases, they were already unable to maintain the façade after the wedding.)
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Post by rejected101 on Apr 19, 2019 16:32:49 GMT -5
I do appreciate the answer to this may not be quantifiable or even helpful, but my wife does like sex but she likes it rarely. She could easily go 2 or 3 months without having sex but then for one night she will be like the female version of Christian Grey. Another time she will go 4, 5 or 6 weeks. I must admit I find this really confusing and difficult sometimes as she puts it all down to sex drive. Personally I will never believe that it’s not possible to have sex one time per week for the most part and still enjoy it. Maybe I’m wrong. Just once per week! Anyway, on with my question. What is more difficult? Having sex more often then you would naturally choose to or having sex way less then you would naturally choose to? Libidos have to match. Otherwise the partner with the more active libido will be dissatisfied. It's really as simple as that. For the most part, is that even possible. Yes there are many woman out there with healthy and strong libido’s. yes there are men out there with stuttering libido’s but as a general rule, men have higher sex drives then woman. Finding a good match is very unusual from what I know.
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Post by rejected101 on Apr 19, 2019 16:36:33 GMT -5
After 3 and a half years of nothing and knowing she watches porn at least occasionally, I can't chalk it up to a difference in libido. Snap! My W watches porn despite refusing sex. In fact if you took the amount we have sex and added extra sex that replaced her jerking off (one for one, like for like), I’d never have found this forum.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 19, 2019 19:05:27 GMT -5
Libidos have to match. Otherwise the partner with the more active libido will be dissatisfied. It's really as simple as that. For the most part, is that even possible. Yes there are many woman out there with healthy and strong libido’s. yes there are men out there with stuttering libido’s but as a general rule, men have higher sex drives then woman. Finding a good match is very unusual from what I know. ballofconfusion and I are pretty well matched. It doesn't have to be perfect, but it needs to be in the ballpark. Discrepancies that amount to months or years in difference are certainly not in the ballpark.
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Post by baza on Apr 19, 2019 19:39:35 GMT -5
Yes. I don't think that the sexual compatibility has to get down to sub atomic level where you both want to fuck at the exact same nanosecond, in the same position, for the same duration, on the same hour of the same day, wearing the same chicken costume.
Rather, I think the sexual compatibility is more of an attitudinal thing - that you are both very much on the same page in meeting your and their sexual needs, and that your (their) actions reflect this. Their has to be flexibility in this too. Sometimes one spouse will not want a root at all in the moment. Sometimes one spouse will want to introduce a gerbil into proceedings. It's all good if you're on the same page.
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