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Post by twotimesone on Apr 18, 2019 10:49:36 GMT -5
I'm curious, did you talk to your H about this? It could be ED problems or some kind of problems that you should talk to a counselor about? If he loves you enough, he will go.
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jessie83
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Post by jessie83 on Apr 18, 2019 11:03:14 GMT -5
I'm curious, did you talk to your H about this? It could be ED problems or some kind of problems that you should talk to a counselor about? If he loves you enough, he will go. I have tried to talk to him but he gets angry and shuts down.
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Post by flashjohn on Apr 18, 2019 13:28:08 GMT -5
jessie83 if you go on any social media, you will probably have no problem finding someone who is interested. But outsourcing is a source of stress because you have to be discreet. Do you feel like you are stuck in the sexless marriage? If so, what is keeping you there? Yes I feel stuck. I love my H and I don't know how to let go of that. We have children and 21 years invested. We got married at 16 and 18 so history is a issue. I want him but I'm learning to try and deal with the fact he isn't interested in me that way. I don't want to leave but I also need to feel wanted. I am starved of affection and touch. It should be simple but it's not. I can certainly understand that. When I moved out, I had been married to my ExRefuser for 28 years, and we have 2 grown daughters. It was a very tough decision, but she had made it clear that she was not interested, and she told me that I had to be ok with never having sex ever again. A long History was also a factor, since we had been together since we were both 20 yrs old. I did not want to leave after so long. Not sure if this is true in your case, but my ExRefuser was also verbally abusive. She told me constantly that I was a horrible husband, and she could easily find a better one.
I have no doubt that you will be able to find many men interested in having sex with you, but you have to decide if that is really the way you should go. It is very possible that either he or you will find yourself really drawn to the other. Having passionate sex with someone who wants you is very powerful.
Of course, if you choose to outsource, no one here, including me, will be judgmental because we all know how you feel. But you might want to consider asking your H how he would feel if you were to fuck someone else. It may be that he is ok with it. Or you may find out that he not only will not fuck you, but he also expects you to end your sex life permanently. If that is the case, it may be very eye-opening. It certainly was a breaking point for me when my ExRefuser told me that.
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Post by twotimesone on Apr 18, 2019 14:52:45 GMT -5
I'm curious, did you talk to your H about this? It could be ED problems or some kind of problems that you should talk to a counselor about? If he loves you enough, he will go. I have tried to talk to him but he gets angry and shuts down. I know that you are in the stage whether if you are thinking of outsourcing or just go thru the whole process of divorcing. You probably think to yourself that this is something immoral thing to outsource, get nervous even thinking about it and you believe it is against your conscience of doing it. I recall that in the first few times that I did it, I got the jitters. Fortunately, it will get easier for you. It had helped me somewhat, I didn't go around and being disgruntled about the SM thing and just take it for the way it is.
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Post by rejected101 on Apr 18, 2019 19:49:21 GMT -5
I'm curious, did you talk to your H about this? It could be ED problems or some kind of problems that you should talk to a counselor about? If he loves you enough, he will go. I have tried to talk to him but he gets angry and shuts down. Welcome to this nightmare scenario Jessie. So it’s probably already been made clear to you that there are 3 viable options. Stay, cheat or leave. Depending on the state of your marriage, the leave option may be the most sensible but if you love your spouse and they love you, and if there are children involved, this isn’t always as easy as it sounds. However, cheating isn’t easy either. You’ll have to deal with your own conscious and it will forever be your crown to wear. If you get caught cheating you will have the added issue of people knowing what you did to that poor poor man and many won’t give you the time of day to explain how you came to be a cheat. Then there is stay. You’ve stayed thus far and eventually it’s brought you on to an online forum where people generally come because they are or at least once were in a desperate and unhappy relationship. Whichever option you decide upon, it’s got to be right for Jessie. Jessie has to make the choices that Jessie wants to make. You’ll find no judgements made on here whatever you decide to do so use this forum however you wish to without concern that you will be labelled. That’s the beauty of this forum. Good luck!
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Post by angeleyes65 on Apr 20, 2019 10:33:26 GMT -5
I agree with flashjohn its hard not to get attached. At first it made my marriage easier I didn't look to him for physical contact. On the flip side because I was meeting that need else where I pulled what little physical contact off the table after awhile noticed and it became the elephant in the room. I was happy but resentful that we were basically living in a fake marriage. After years of out sourcing my marriage just became a thorn in my side I resented not being able to cuddle my lover at night. Having to plan my time with my lover around my husband and his wife. I just kept pulling away, feeling more lonely at home or more and more angry. Finally I just finalized my exit plan and moved on.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 20, 2019 20:38:29 GMT -5
I love my husband but at this point I'm ready no in absolute need of a man who actually would want what I have to offer in the bedroom. I am at a dilemma, it stands against everything I believe in but I am starved of affection. I absolutely long for a man to hold and caress me. I just can't take the rejection any longer. My self esteem is zero my confidence is non existence and I don't know what else to do. It's like slow torture when the one you love is not interested in you. I don't even know where to begin but I will begin somewhere. Does anyone have any kind of advice on this subject? Rejection after rejection is painful. Mine just rejected me less than 20 minutes ago. I tire of sitting and waiting for him to approach me, but also am becoming paralyzed to approach him after being turned away so many times. I have outsourced and that wasn't an easy decision for me to make. I, too, was starved to be touched and desired. It served its purpose perfectly for me. If you truly want to go there, there are an abundance of options. Just think it thru - all the possible outcomes and consequences. Gotta be willing to deal with the after effects.
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Post by baza on Apr 20, 2019 21:26:05 GMT -5
What Sister @whynotm3 says is right on the money. Whatever choice you do end up making (or not making) 'effects' (or consequences) will ensue.
If you stay, the consequences most likely to ensue is continued unhappiness for you. If you leave, you'll probably be even unhappier short term during that process. If you cheat, there are all sorts of tangents things could fly off to.
Suggestion. Presumably you see the "worst case scenario" at this moment as ending your marriage. Maybe that's the area to think on. "If" it comes to that extreme position, could you survive that ? How ? What would you then do ? If you had a general idea of how such a scenario might play out - or better still, a pretty good idea of how you'd play that out - some of the pressure you are feeling might be reduced. Doesn't mean you'd do it, but the knowledge that "you could if you had to" could be quite helpful.
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Post by carl on Apr 22, 2019 13:41:29 GMT -5
I think the problem with outsourcing is not necessarily the moral dilemma. One could argue the case one way or another. In my opinion most of the refusing partners of those here seem to have a fair amount of intention, deliberateness and awareness of what they are doing and as such could not really expect loyalty. Although it does appear that some do get it. But in my eyes that’s not a reality. The main issue in my opinion is adding to ones problems. Anyone in a sexless marriage deserves a break in life and if outsourcing works then great. But if there is one thing worse than a refusing partner it one that’s suspicious, accusatory and derogatory on top. I have heard that affairs are more difficult to hide than one might imagine and that the ups and downs of a regular relationship exist equally within an affair.
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Post by lessingham on Apr 24, 2019 5:49:17 GMT -5
I am open to an affair with a rich nymphonaniac who owns a brewery and has hot willing girlfriends. Must be as blind as a bat though. Form a queue to the right, as always
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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 11, 2019 15:51:28 GMT -5
jessie83 if you go on any social media, you will probably have no problem finding someone who is interested. But outsourcing is a source of stress because you have to be discreet. Do you feel like you are stuck in the sexless marriage? If so, what is keeping you there? Yes I feel stuck. I love my H and I don't know how to let go of that. We have children and 21 years invested. We got married at 16 and 18 so history is a issue. I want him but I'm learning to try and deal with the fact he isn't interested in me that way. I don't want to leave but I also need to feel wanted. I am starved of affection and touch. It should be simple but it's not. I had about the same time in my first marriage as you. I married at 17. Now I have been in the second almost 18 years snd its sexless. I would give you two bits of advice. One, get the hell out while you are still young enough to get a wonderful new relationship and two, be very very careful who you commit to second time around. I wasnt and here I am. I would wish better for you.
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Post by northstarmom on May 11, 2019 16:25:27 GMT -5
cassiopeia92 said: "I had about the same time in my first marriage as you. I married at 17. Now I have been in the second almost 18 years snd its sexless. I would give you two bits of advice. One, get the hell out while you are still young enough to get a wonderful new relationship and two, be very very careful who you commit to second time around. I wasnt and here I am. I would wish better for you."
Do not assume that you yourself are too old to find another relationship. I divorced my refuser when I was 61 after 34 years of marriage. I'm now 6 years with the love of my life. I know others who found new loves when they were in their 70s.
Still, for people of any age, finding a compatible partner is a matter of luck so base your decision on whether to divorce on whether you'd be happier being single than remaining in your SM. I divorced when I realized I'd be happier single forever and living in a rented room than remaining in my dream house with my refuser.
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