jessie83
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Posts: 35
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Post by jessie83 on Apr 16, 2019 20:11:02 GMT -5
I love my husband but at this point I'm ready no in absolute need of a man who actually would want what I have to offer in the bedroom. I am at a dilemma, it stands against everything I believe in but I am starved of affection. I absolutely long for a man to hold and caress me. I just can't take the rejection any longer. My self esteem is zero my confidence is non existence and I don't know what else to do. It's like slow torture when the one you love is not interested in you. I don't even know where to begin but I will begin somewhere. Does anyone have any kind of advice on this subject?
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Post by hopingforachange on Apr 16, 2019 22:15:41 GMT -5
We have all been there, some of us made the leap, others haven't and figured out how to move on. It's your choice to make and like any other choice, it's not without positives and negatives.
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Post by baza on Apr 17, 2019 1:05:40 GMT -5
If you want to bring the whole thing to a head, cheating all but guarantees this outcome, one way or another.
But, it is a highly unpredictable scenario which can (and does) fly off at unknown (and unknowable) tangents.
So, if you are going to go down this - perfectly legitimate - road, you had best treat it like you are divorcing (see a lawyer etc) as that is a highly likely outcome of this option - and that is not necessarily a bad thing, longer term.
Within the membership there are plenty of examples where cheating was the path followed, and on the evidence it is all but guaranteed that it will change the dynamic big time, and go a long way toward bringing the situation to resolution.
My personal opinion (which is worth jack shit) is negative on this option as I believe it usually further complicates an already complex situation, and going straight to a respectful parting of the ways would be far less messy.
But, the records show that this choice, almost without exception, is a sure fire method of bringing a resolution to the ILIASM situation. Oftentimes in somewhat 'adventurous' fashion.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 17, 2019 5:33:02 GMT -5
I know what you mean when you say it goes against everything you believe. For twenty-three years it went against everything I believed. Then, one day, my morals changed. What people had been telling me for months finally got through my head.
I wish I could give credit to everyone whose words rang in my head.
From KHBeth, my wife did not want to love me, she wanted control. She also got I Cor 7:5 to echo in my head.
From Schwilla, five choices: 1) Stay and be miserable. 2) Stay and pressure your spouse to do things they don't want to do. 3) Outsource with permission and clear communication. 4) Outsource without permission. 5) Leave, because the relationship is not meeting your needs and it is the honest thing to do.
Baza is a wealth of wisdom, I believe was the one that proposed that refusers were already cheating on the marriage, since "to have and to hold" comes before "forsaking all others," and you cannot have one without the other.
I have no idea who pointed out the callousness of my ex, who had no interest in my discomfort, only her control, and laid out the terms "gaslighting" and "DARVO."
Once someone realizes what a sham they have been living in, it gets real easy to see the morals part in a different light. My former self would have been very judgmental about me, but I have no regrets. None. Knowing the truth, it was like breaking a spell in a fairytale. Everything changed. I have no regrets about the path I chose.
If you are still expecting to have regrets, you may want to see an attorney ASAP with a rough draft of your finances, to see how a divorce would shake out. If your give-a-fuck is broken, odds are your life is about to change like Baza said.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 17, 2019 6:23:16 GMT -5
Oh. Finding a partner. Tinder is free. Ashley Madison is the affair site. Women seem to have better luck there than men. If there are any guys you know that you think might be interested, you can always try approaching them.
One woman I know lost it one night that she had worked extra hard on preparing a romantic evening alone with her husband, and he came home, looked around, said he was tired, and went to bed to sleep. Well, she had been doing some babysitting in the neighborhood, and one of the fathers had given her a pretty good clue he fooled around. She went over to his house immediately, and, it turned out he did, and he was really good, too.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 17, 2019 6:49:24 GMT -5
Oh. Another outsourcing idea. If it is just sex, there are clubs in larger cities that cater to sexually active people.
North of me, there is Club Saphire, which is a primarily swingers club. If you are a single female, they will pair you up with a single male to keep the numbers equal, except on gangbang night, and I will let your imagination run with that.
In Portland, PDX Sanctuary is a favorite. It is a bar with some limited but nice BDSM equipment, and side rooms with mattresses. They usually have a rope bondage couple playing in the main room, which is usually really hot to watch.
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 17, 2019 8:34:12 GMT -5
I agree that Ashlee Madison is perhaps a good fit for someone like you. Young, attractive and willing. I expect since it isn't a cheap site most of the males to be found there are fairly well heeled, so they could afford the hotel rooms and other costs of an affair. When I was your age I was fortunate to have a # of sexual hookups with female friends who happened to be married. Fortunately for me the fact that they had known me for years and liked me as a person made me the ideal candidate for a bit of extra martial hanky panky. It's likely you have couples you get together with and already like the company of the male member in the marriage. And who better to be trusted than a good friend that you already know and like as a person.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2019 12:52:10 GMT -5
The issue with outsourcing, for me, has always been that I wanted the full meal deal. Passionate sex that is an innate part of a close, loving relationship. I wanted sex to make me feel loved and connected and always felt that an affair would fall short. But, everyone on this forum gets that a relationship without sex also falls short.
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Post by twotimesone on Apr 17, 2019 13:24:43 GMT -5
It really depends on what you want. I've been outsourcing with women because of the same needs as you mentioned. As of now I have no intention to leaving my W. But you are emotionally care about the other person, maybe you should think about leaving.
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Post by flashjohn on Apr 17, 2019 14:31:56 GMT -5
jessie83 if you go on any social media, you will probably have no problem finding someone who is interested. But outsourcing is a source of stress because you have to be discreet. Do you feel like you are stuck in the sexless marriage? If so, what is keeping you there?
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jessie83
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Post by jessie83 on Apr 17, 2019 17:02:33 GMT -5
jessie83 if you go on any social media, you will probably have no problem finding someone who is interested. But outsourcing is a source of stress because you have to be discreet. Do you feel like you are stuck in the sexless marriage? If so, what is keeping you there? Yes I feel stuck. I love my H and I don't know how to let go of that. We have children and 21 years invested. We got married at 16 and 18 so history is a issue. I want him but I'm learning to try and deal with the fact he isn't interested in me that way. I don't want to leave but I also need to feel wanted. I am starved of affection and touch. It should be simple but it's not.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Apr 17, 2019 18:23:32 GMT -5
I love my husband but at this point I'm ready no in absolute need of a man who actually would want what I have to offer in the bedroom. I am at a dilemma, it stands against everything I believe in but I am starved of affection. I absolutely long for a man to hold and caress me. I just can't take the rejection any longer. My self esteem is zero my confidence is non existence and I don't know what else to do. It's like slow torture when the one you love is not interested in you. I don't even know where to begin but I will begin somewhere. Does anyone have any kind of advice on this subject? I do worked out great. I never thought I could or would either. Feel free to message me
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firefollower
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Post by firefollower on Apr 17, 2019 18:46:30 GMT -5
jessie83 if you go on any social media, you will probably have no problem finding someone who is interested. But outsourcing is a source of stress because you have to be discreet. Do you feel like you are stuck in the sexless marriage? If so, what is keeping you there? Yes I feel stuck. I love my H and I don't know how to let go of that. We have children and 21 years invested. We got married at 16 and 18 so history is a issue. I want him but I'm learning to try and deal with the fact he isn't interested in me that way. I don't want to leave but I also need to feel wanted. I am starved of affection and touch. It should be simple but it's not. I know exactly how you feel...that longing for another's touch. You are right...seems so simple...but for our refusers, so difficult. As for outsourcing, I agree with the comments here...probably need to find someone in a similar predicament as you...at least you would have a mutual understanding of what you would both be getting out of it. I understand it is hard to walk away from 21 years...20 in my case. No easy answers unfortunately.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 17, 2019 19:02:26 GMT -5
jessie83 said: "I love my husband but at this point I'm ready no in absolute need of a man who actually would want what I have to offer in the bedroom. I am at a dilemma, it stands against everything I believe in but I am starved of affection. I absolutely long for a man to hold and caress me. I just can't take the rejection any longer. My self esteem is zero my confidence is non existence and I don't know what else to do. It's like slow torture when the one you love is not interested in you. I don't even know where to begin but I will begin somewhere. Does anyone have any kind of advice on this subject?"
Time to realize that it's a waste of time to love romantically (such love includes sexual desire) someone who at best loves you like a sister or roommate. Your husband is not compatible with you when it comes to his being a marital partner. There's nothing wrong with you for wanting a man who sexually desires you like you desire him. The problem is that you are clinging to a man who is incapable of offering you the kind of love you want. Clinging to your refuser also is preventing your finding a man who can be the partner you want. Individual counseling for yourself could be a step in your learning to respect your own needs for a partner who is sexually compatible.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 17, 2019 21:33:42 GMT -5
Years invested.
I have had investments turn on me, badly, over the years. Sometimes I need to review one and decide if my thesis still holds. If I believe one is undervalued, I will invest more. If I can't see it turning around, I need to cut my losses. I can put the remaining money to better use elsewhere.
John Maynard Keynes once asked an important question. "When the facts change, I change my mind. What do you do?"
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