The article just shows the divergent ways kids handle things.
"Laura, 34, Massachusetts" remains estranged from 1 parent for 13 years. "Anonymous, 42, Florida" appears to have had dithering parents who strung the process out a looooong time. "Anonymous, 31, Denver" seems to have learned a heap about 'what not to do' from her parents split. "Christina, 38, New Jersey" wonders why her parents took so long, and seems to have a realistic view of events.
I think personally, that there is no "right" answer to this issue.
But I do think that you have to make the choice YOURS in regard to divorce. If you see it as being in your longer term best interests to undertake this highly challenging course, then you'll come out the other end of it a better and happier person .... and that has to be in the kids longer term best interests too .... although "Laura, 34, Massachusetts" above, sure does seem to be able to carry a grudge for a long time. Possibly, it wouldn't have made any difference to her how her parents divorced, she wasn't going to forgive her father in any event.
Anyway, in the limited testimonials in the article (only 4), the kids all seem to have survived the ordeal. A couple of them even seemed to have learned some valuable stuff out of the event.
Interesting how one of the older ones was "old enough to confide in" which induced panic attacks.
I left and it's been about two years. It makes me wonder how much of the shit show I should share with my kids (oldest is 18 year old high school senior).
I am pretty sure my ex has dropped innuendo that I may have been unfaithful (I wasn't). And I'm pretty sure that my ex actually WAS unfaithful to me.
It may be moot since the oldest isn't talking to me. She has also stopped staying with me. Mom gives her an unlimited debit card and lets the boyfriend and her hang out in bed under the covers "watching TV"). My Daughter apparently likes mom's house rules better than mine (hang out in living room) and it's about time for her to get her first job.
What if I'd left earlier? Maybe I'd have more influence. Maybe less. What if I'd left later. Same answer. So much of it depends on the individual kid too.
Shamwow, water and electricity take the path of the least resistance. I think this applies to kids too. Mom's rules are easier, especially the money part. I have grand-kids that follow the easiest money path.
One is sort of up[set with me because I want her to pay for the parts I put on the car I gave to her. My fix is no more repairs until she pays for the parts I already put on her car. She said she didn't have any money. I said an Apple Watch and the Starbucks drink would have more than paid for the repair parts i put on her car. The latest is she thinks she can pay me $20 if I keep fixing her car.
Teens and money: It is my guess some teens see what their friends have and think they need to keep up with their friends and one way is to have someone give them money or pay for things, like a credit card.
It is difficult to influence a kid to your way of thinking if the money flows freely from another source with different values. Thinking of the "what ifs" might be like trying to change the wind's direction using several 20" box fans, all pointing to the direction you think the wind should flow, on the driveway and turning them on high. The natural wind direction is going to win.
Post by rejected101 on Apr 16, 2019 17:18:59 GMT -5
Many parents who stay together for the children are not really staying together for the children from what I understand. There are no doubt cases where people do genuinely stay together for the children but if you are in an absolute shit hole marriage, surely staying together for the children is not in any way good. In fact very unhealthy for all parties involved. I suspect that in a shit hole marriage, staying together for the children actually means, staying together because I’m worried that the children will resent me if I leave and that is staying together for your own reasons and your own fear. I’m not judging though. Leaving is a very very scary prospect to face.
Post by northstarmom on Apr 16, 2019 18:08:10 GMT -5
I believe that while my mom said she stayed in a miserable marriage “for the children,” that was not the reason she stayed with my dad who had an explosive temper, was verbally abusive and seldom home. I believe she stayed because she thought divorce was embarrassing and would cause people to talk negatively about her. The happiest day of my childhood was when I got to leave that miserable home and go away to college.
Post by twotimesone on Apr 16, 2019 23:20:30 GMT -5
I feel like the person in Anonymous, 42 from Florida. My Dad was an controlling bully while my mom was abusive too but she wants to stay. I knew that they are going to divorce, I was so surprised that they stayed well until my 30's when they decided to divorce over a stupid little thing. My other siblings don't want anything to do with my Dad anymore except me because I believe it is an obligation as family. My Dad doesn't have alot of friends because he tries to take advantage of them so he really has few people to rely on and I only do the minimum stuff that he needs.
So I learned from my mom that a marriage is about commitment and duty. Love and romance is just something on the side if everything is okay.
In the early part of my marriage when my kids are young my W for got pissed at me and took the kids decided to drive to my In laws place. And no, I wasn't cheating or being abusive at the time. My In laws don't understand why she did it and won't tell them either. In the later years things has gotten a little better where we less drama in the house but I was already checked out of the marriage by then.
I really want to give an good impression for the kids so I don't want to get alienated with the kids by the time we divorce. Heck, my W used to tell my kids that I am the 'bad dad. ' Maybe my W and I will reconcile by then. But if I were to live in the same kind of SM by then, I am definitely out.
Here's my take: no matter what you do, how nice or mean you treat them, no matter how much money you give them or withhold from them, there's no guaranteeing how your kids will turn out. Because parental influences are only a part of what makes a human how they are. The end.
When things get really bad, remember to keep breathing.
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worksforme2: Hey baza,...I know it's hot and dry down under. N.C. is having record rainfall. I would gladly trade some rain for some sunshine....
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petrushka: I was gobsmacked when I heard. This is just not us. In all of 2017 we had 37 murders in the country ..... I think the echo chambers of "social media" have a lot to answer for.
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saarinista: is anyone else watching March Madness?
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Mar 27, 2019 12:20:10 GMT -5
saarinista: Well, my team is going to the Final Four! I am beyond thrilled. Basketball is life.
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flashjohn: saarinista, my alma mater, Texas Tech, is also in the final four.
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