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Post by JMX on Apr 9, 2019 21:51:59 GMT -5
I don’t know the answer to that question really. The thought of turning it down is something *I don’t think* I would do. But I am not sitting here hoping it will turn things around either. I know it wasn’t an actual answer - I guess I won’t really know unless I find myself there. Honestly, that sounds like a very healthy, mature way to look at it. Sometimes we don't even know what's happening, even while it's happening! And then we still need time to decide afterwards how to handle it!! It's like taking a risk. Their are big risks and small risks. Very bad risks and risks that pay off a little and some that pay off BIG time! I hope you both can slowly learn to respectfully communicate again, that involves a level of risk as well. Honesty and being vulnerable, with a big dose of patience. You already know this ( you both have to want change in order for it to work) One caveat - I don’t need to change - I am lovely.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 9, 2019 22:16:44 GMT -5
Honestly, that sounds like a very healthy, mature way to look at it. Sometimes we don't even know what's happening, even while it's happening! And then we still need time to decide afterwards how to handle it!! It's like taking a risk. Their are big risks and small risks. Very bad risks and risks that pay off a little and some that pay off BIG time! I hope you both can slowly learn to respectfully communicate again, that involves a level of risk as well. Honesty and being vulnerable, with a big dose of patience. You already know this ( you both have to want change in order for it to work) One caveat - I don’t need to change - I am lovely. Sorry if you misunderstood that. What I meant was he has to be willing to change, or it will not work.
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Post by JMX on Apr 9, 2019 22:25:38 GMT -5
I found the discussion about L.L. Gifts, a whole nother topic on it's own! I can certainly relate! My ex desired none of the traditional feminine things a H would want to give to his W, or think about giving to his W. All she seemed to want was a new computer, and even that you couldn't buy, it had to be specially made! Another double bind. Sadly, I think the best advice is " there are mismatches, and some very troubled people that will destroy you for helping them". You are just better off to start a new. I understand what you are saying. However, I have to say - I DO get payoff from him. Are we mismatched? I would say on the topic of this forum, most decidedly so! I cannot say that it doesn’t suit me in some ways though. If you can make yourself see the other perspective - and you have to make yourself - sometimes you can see their life and it makes sense. Most importantly, is it a mirror to gauge yourself and is it helpful? I would say - always. Whether your path is stay or go - that mirror, is an ugly bitch looking right back at yourself.
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Post by Handy on Apr 10, 2019 2:17:06 GMT -5
JMX, your H is doing what you wanted a long time ago. I hope you show him that you appreciate the changes despite all of your past (legitimate ) resentments.
Rather than you holding grudges and getting even or engaging in pay-back, what needs to happen is acting positive towards even little things. This goes for the both of you.
I expect it will be difficult for you to be positive sometimes, given all of the previous neglect you have experienced.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 10, 2019 7:19:59 GMT -5
JMX, after your h starts getting t shots you are likely to see change not just in his libido but in other ways. My post sm boyfriend takes t shots and has since before we started dating. He went to his doctor when he noticed his libido had gone way down and he said he 0didn’t feel like a man.” By that he was referring to the fact that he was depressed and lacked confidence and assertiveness. His low t level wasn’t as low as your h’s.
Thus it may be that after getting t shots your h has not only a stronger sex drive but also becomes more energetic about his job and other endeavors.
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Post by JMX on Apr 13, 2019 22:04:41 GMT -5
JMX, after your h starts getting t shots you are likely to see change not just in his libido but in other ways. My post sm boyfriend takes t shots and has since before we started dating. He went to his doctor when he noticed his libido had gone way down and he said he 0didn’t feel like a man.” By that he was referring to the fact that he was depressed and lacked confidence and assertiveness. His low t level wasn’t as low as your h’s. Thus it may be that after getting t shots your h has not only a stronger sex drive but also becomes more energetic about his job and other endeavors. He has gotten better about other things as the weeks have progressed. He is happier, a little more involved and grabs my boobs in the morning - more these last two weeks then the entire year, actually. He left his last job for reasons regarding stress and mis-management (NOT let go!!) to work out in the field and has already lost 15 pounds (does wonders for man boobs). He plays less video games, but if I am being honest - it’s still too much. I have told him he needs to step up where he shines. I tasked him with family chore chart. He put it on a spread sheet and handled it. I don’t jump him - haven’t in years. But I will say - family life has improved. We had a discussion on the “dark” times. The days when he was cruel and unkind. I was explaining why I continue to keep a separate account. I have mine and we have “ours”. That it will stay that way for years. I reminded him of the times he would not help me with the tax or debt mess and that he left me alone. He didn’t say anything but he wiped tears from his eyes. It is just his way. I do understand him. Anyway, some things are better.
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Post by JMX on Apr 13, 2019 22:20:50 GMT -5
JMX, your H is doing what you wanted a long time ago. I hope you show him that you appreciate the changes despite all of your past (legitimate ) resentments. Rather than you holding grudges and getting even or engaging in pay-back, what needs to happen is acting positive towards even little things. This goes for the both of you. I expect it will be difficult for you to be positive sometimes, given all of the previous neglect you have experienced. I wish you could meet me IRL. You would know that I am a positive person. I always find a silver lining - even if I am being funny and dark. Admittedly, I am darkest here. My profession actually requires me to be positive. Most people actually love me. That’s not even hyperbole. It’s actually served as a mindfuck in my SM. And, I am not fake. I am actually interested in people and what makes them tick. If I were the type to hold a grudge, or engage in payback - I would have since gotten divorced, fired, or died from some kind of metastasized cancer - eating me from within. Alas, I have not. Honestly, you don’t know me.
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Post by Handy on Apr 13, 2019 23:26:24 GMT -5
JMX, I am happy to hear you do not hold grudges. I wasn't suggesting you did. The main reason / direction for my previous post was so many people get to the point of it being too little and too late. I didn't want suggest you were at the too little, too late stage but because I or anyone else doesn't now the whole marriage situation you are in, I was just suggesting that you try to match some of your H's improved behaviors.
There are many people that have been neglected for a long time and it is difficult to think of much but more disappointments. I hope things do improve for you and your H.
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Post by JMX on Apr 14, 2019 1:03:40 GMT -5
JMX, I am happy to hear you do not hold grudges. I wasn't suggesting you did. The main reason / direction for my previous post was so many people get to the point of it being too little and too late. I didn't want suggest you were at the too little, too late stage but because I or anyone else doesn't now the whole marriage situation you are in, I was just suggesting that you try to match some of your H's improved behaviors. There are many people that have been neglected for a long time and it is difficult to think of much but more disappointments. I hope things do improve for you and your H. Thank you for your clarification. Is it too little too late? Maybe. Honest answer. For the record - I have superseded his improved and previous not-improved behaviors. I am disaster mitigation. With whom that moniker actually protects, is up to your interpretation. No need to take my word for it.
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Post by Handy on Apr 14, 2019 3:32:55 GMT -5
What ever you decide is your call. I know it will be a difficult decision with much feeling and thought put in to it.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2019 16:53:20 GMT -5
Good for you JMX for finally getting some traction! But more importantly, major kudos to your husband for following through! Mine would have never, not in a million years, gotten his T tested. See where it goes. I like that your expectations are realistic. Wise woman. Either way, this is hope. Hang on for dear life.
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Post by JMX on Apr 20, 2019 20:36:13 GMT -5
Update: interesting turn. Not for sure where it goes. Husband had HUGE boner and woke me up with it this morning. I wasn’t in the mood but was curious because when I said I wasn’t in the mood (sleepily) he kept on. I have told him in the distant past - that I didn’t care if he woke me up, so I obliged. Anywho - have to say that even though it was not only out of norm, it was also different then previous times or “resets”. It’s still... awkward for me if I am sober. He did bury his head in my hair and told me how amazing I smelled - I have always wondered if my particular pheromones turned him off - so that was an interesting difference too. The mindfuck of the last 15 years made that hard to believe and I was completely self conscious with being sober, just waking up and not having yet brushed my teeth. Worrying about my lack of grooming and my body overall. I made him get a condom because he still refuses to get snipped and I am not getting pregnant at 42... he was reluctant, but eventually did it. Can I just say? I know this is TMI - but when we first got together - he had a HUGE penis to me. Biggest I had ever had. This morning - it was much harder than I could remember in those last bad 15 years. Like from before the issues. And he always gets off even when I started it - but this time was a little fast and furious. He needs work. However, I do too. It’s was like two fat teenagers doing it for the first time and this time - I was the lazy one This time took 15 years - but I do see a spark that did not leave me desperate for more. I was okay with it - and even though I didn’t get off - I was pretty close. Again - this does not a turn-around make. His new libido could be nothing at all and could get me cheated on, honestly, but it is a start. Night!
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 20, 2019 21:09:05 GMT -5
And now we know what will happen when you come face to face with an erection.
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Post by JMX on Apr 20, 2019 21:21:07 GMT -5
And now we know what will happen when you come face to face with an erection. Yes. I rally and take care of it. I am not a monster not to anyone else at least. Maybe to myself.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 20, 2019 23:10:09 GMT -5
jMX has your h started t shots? If so, they could already be having an effect.
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