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Post by JMX on Apr 8, 2019 22:18:45 GMT -5
So, interestingly enough - back in November my DH and I had a long conversation about... gifts!
And, of course he feels loved when he gets gifts. This is my personal most detestable LL - and I suspect (and I have read) the same holds true for many of you as well.
At the end of the day, I am most likely not leaving my marriage and am working to find peace in it - however, I still like to throw a stone or two - because - well, I can.
So husband thinks I don’t put thought into his gifts.
Honestly, he is right.
I don’t.
I have tried in the past - but the items he really wants are usually extravagant or items that he does so much research on - it takes the fun out of the surprise because he either gets exactly what he wants and knew it was coming, or I did not get the right item.
Meh. Not my problem. I refuse to spend countless hours coming up with a surprise that is anti-climatic.
So... a couple of weeks after that conversation - I told him:
“You have until your birthday (2 full months) to get your hormones checked through a blood test.”
The key here is - I did not have an ultimatum. I did not SPEAK an ultimatum. I wasn’t even sure what I would do. I just laid it down.
And time passed, he never got his blood test to check his hormones.
His birthday rolled around. I gave him a birthday card and no present. Inside:
“Your birthday present is your blood test. Should you chose to not take me up on this - this will be your Father’s Day present, and can extend to Christmas and next year’s birthday as well.”
So, a week after his birthday, he took his blood test. He is pre-diabetic, has extremely high blood pressure and cholesterol and (not shockingly) a 1.06 testosterone level. Apparently a normal man is above 200 or 300 (doctor told me 200 - google puts it at 300-1200 as healthy range).
The doctor’s told me he wished he had consulted my blood work first but was amazed that he actually produces no testosterone at all. I am open and told him everything. Was kind of like a counseling session. He said he rarely sees T levels so low.
Husband is on serious testosterone supplements and shots. We will see but, again - I am meh.
With my bloodwork - I have to be on T now too (low dose) and adrenal stuff to change my cortisol levels. I was told my adrenal glands are worn out. I was not surprised. Everything else was pretty good - but I am not excited about feeling so good and wanting to have sex all the time again. I am scared I will cheat.
Anyway, to all the ladies out here - have their T checked. Anyway you can swing it. At best, maybe it changes things, at not best, maybe he sticks around longer and gets healthier for his kids.
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Post by baza on Apr 8, 2019 22:36:55 GMT -5
The main takeaway I got from this is the inadvisability of saying things you don't mean in an ILIASM deal. Stuff like "if you don't lift your game I'll leave you/cheat/divorce etc" Nothing shreds your cred quicker than making threats you aren't prepared to institute. And here, quite clearly Sister JMX , what you said, you meant, and were prepared to do. Your actions were quite consistent with what you said. You weren't bullshitting him, and you weren't bullshitting yourself. I'd suggest that by using this tactic you did, you got a result that you otherwise would not have got. I'd also imagine that your cred (as a person who says what they mean and mean what they say) is greatly enhanced. So the next thing you may say is likely to be taken seriously. That will be a really good tool to have in your bag moving forward.
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Post by JMX on Apr 8, 2019 22:51:09 GMT -5
Thanks baza - it was such a simple ultimatum, really. It requires no real sacrifice on my part - and was, in fact, a benefit to me either way. Sometimes, when dealing with the “big” - big hurts and big emotions - we forget the effectiveness of the “small”.
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 8, 2019 23:16:24 GMT -5
JMX, that was a really clever way of playing to his hot buttons. ;-) And holy cow at his numbers! One can only hope that T therapy will help him tons!
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 9, 2019 8:56:35 GMT -5
jMX: “Sometimes, when dealing with the “big” - big hurts and big emotions - we forget the effectiveness of the “small”.
What you did wasn’t small. You chose not to meet his love language need til he gave you what you wanted. You did something very different frin what most of the refused do. Most of the refused bend over backward to meet their partners’ love language needs while getting nothing in return.
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Post by hopingforachange on Apr 9, 2019 9:33:56 GMT -5
That was a awesome thing to do. You drew your line and stuck with it in a way he understands.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 9, 2019 9:52:52 GMT -5
jMX: “Sometimes, when dealing with the “big” - big hurts and big emotions - we forget the effectiveness of the “small”. What you did wasn’t small. You chose not to meet his love language need til he gave you what you wanted. You did something very different frin what most of the refused do. Most of the refused bend over backward to meet their partners’ love language needs while getting nothing in return. What JMX did is also referred to as " consequences for boundaries". Something I learned in the book " www.goodreads.com/book/show/265051.Boundaries_in_MarriageA difficult thing to do in a SM. Especially for those of us who have/are dealing with a manipulative controller/narcissist. Many times the only consequence that can benefit the refused is to leave, and rediscover yourself.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 9, 2019 13:11:34 GMT -5
So, a week after his birthday, he took his blood test. He is pre-diabetic, has extremely high blood pressure and cholesterol and (not shockingly) a 1.06 testosterone level. Apparently a normal man is above 200 or 300 (doctor told me 200 - google puts it at 300-1200 as healthy range). The doctor’s told me he wished he had consulted my blood work first but was amazed that he actually produces no testosterone at all. I am open and told him everything. Was kind of like a counseling session. He said he rarely sees T levels so low. Husband is on serious testosterone supplements and shots. We will see but, again - I am meh. With my bloodwork - I have to be on T now too (low dose) and adrenal stuff to change my cortisol levels. I was told my adrenal glands are worn out. I was not surprised. Everything else was pretty good - but I am not excited about feeling so good and wanting to have sex all the time again. I am scared I will cheat. Well, that sort of, answers some of the "why?" and at the same time it opens the door for 2 or 3 more "why "questions.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 9, 2019 15:32:28 GMT -5
I am interested in knowing how this turns out. I know a couple guys that inject themselves. One refers to it as the fountain of youth. The other needs it because his body no longer produces its own testosterone. Both have active sex lives, but the reason they take it is because they WANT active sex lives in the first place.
Once a man starts taking testosterone, his body tries to self regulate and reduces its own testosterone production. This makes a man dependent on the shots, so the reason for taking them really should be because he legitimately has low levels in the first place.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 9, 2019 15:46:09 GMT -5
I am interested in knowing how this turns out. I know a couple guys that inject themselves. One refers to it as the fountain of youth. The other needs it because his body no longer produces its own testosterone. Both have active sex lives, but the reason they take it is because they WANT active sex lives in the first place. Once a man starts taking testosterone, his body tries to self regulate and reduces its own testosterone production. This makes a man dependent on the shots, so the reason for taking them really should be because he legitimately has low levels in the first place. I didn't know about how the body adapts to that. I guess it makes sense. The body is an amazing self regulating machine.
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Post by JMX on Apr 9, 2019 17:04:23 GMT -5
I am interested in knowing how this turns out. I know a couple guys that inject themselves. One refers to it as the fountain of youth. The other needs it because his body no longer produces its own testosterone. Both have active sex lives, but the reason they take it is because they WANT active sex lives in the first place. Once a man starts taking testosterone, his body tries to self regulate and reduces its own testosterone production. This makes a man dependent on the shots, so the reason for taking them really should be because he legitimately has low levels in the first place. The doc told husband he would have to take shots for the rest of his life. He said he simply does not (currently) produce any T. <Shrug>. He also told him this and the other supplements he was given will get him back on track to feeling well and that all together were important for his health and longevity. I guess we will see. I do recognize some positive benefits. These last couple of weeks - his snoring is more of a purr and I don’t feel like kicking or punching him in his sleep and, he calls me many times a day while I am at work now. Just to talk. Just to tell me what he is doing. So, in a way, I am getting paid A LOT of attention compared to what history would predict. I must admit though, it’s kind of annoying - and it makes me chuckle that it annoys me.
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 9, 2019 17:48:17 GMT -5
So like greatcoastal I have questions, one in particular. It's a distinct possibility now that he is on a testosterone regime his libido may re-emerge. In that scenario you could look up and find yourself face to face with an erection. What will you do?
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Post by JMX on Apr 9, 2019 19:59:57 GMT -5
So like greatcoastal I have questions, one in particular. It's a distinct possibility now that he is on a testosterone regime his libido may re-emerge. In that scenario you could look up and find yourself face to face with an erection. What will you do? I don’t know the answer to that question really. The thought of turning it down is something *I don’t think* I would do. But I am not sitting here hoping it will turn things around either. I know it wasn’t an actual answer - I guess I won’t really know unless I find myself there.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 9, 2019 20:18:18 GMT -5
I found the discussion about L.L. Gifts, a whole nother topic on it's own! I can certainly relate! My ex desired none of the traditional feminine things a H would want to give to his W, or think about giving to his W. All she seemed to want was a new computer, and even that you couldn't buy, it had to be specially made! Another double bind.
Sadly, I think the best advice is " there are mismatches, and some very troubled people that will destroy you for helping them". You are just better off to start a new.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 9, 2019 20:27:55 GMT -5
So like greatcoastal I have questions, one in particular. It's a distinct possibility now that he is on a testosterone regime his libido may re-emerge. In that scenario you could look up and find yourself face to face with an erection. What will you do? I don’t know the answer to that question really. The thought of turning it down is something *I don’t think* I would do. But I am not sitting here hoping it will turn things around either. I know it wasn’t an actual answer - I guess I won’t really know unless I find myself there. Honestly, that sounds like a very healthy, mature way to look at it. Sometimes we don't even know what's happening, even while it's happening! And then we still need time to decide afterwards how to handle it!! It's like taking a risk. Their are big risks and small risks. Very bad risks and risks that pay off a little and some that pay off BIG time! I hope you both can slowly learn to respectfully communicate again, that involves a level of risk as well. Honesty and being vulnerable, with a big dose of patience. You already know this ( you both have to want change in order for it to work)
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