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Post by solodriver on Apr 5, 2019 0:46:29 GMT -5
For those who have left their SM, when did you quit wearing your wedding ring? I'm probably going to wait until after I have "The Talk" because again, I don't want to tip my hand as to my plans and have her notice and ask questions.
But what have other done that have left their SM and what was the reaction from their refuser spouse? Did outsourcing play a factor in it?
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 5, 2019 1:10:41 GMT -5
For those who have left their SM, when did you quit wearing your wedding ring? I'm probably going to wait until after I have "The Talk" because again, I don't want to tip my hand as to my plans and have her notice and ask questions.
But what have other done that have left their SM and what was the reaction from their refuser spouse? Did outsourcing play a factor in it? I stopped wearing mine when I knew it was terminal. It is very hard transitioning from "everything is great except the sex" to "this can't be fixed." I can't remember exactly where it was in the process. I think it was after I was right after I had given her what I thought was some exquisite cunnilingis, and when I asked her for feedback she gave me a dirty sneer and replied, "stimulation overload." That, in my mind, was the straw that broke me.
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Post by baza on Apr 5, 2019 3:01:41 GMT -5
If you "don't want to tip your hand" Brother solodriver , it might be best to halt that "cleaning out drawers and stuff (you) won't need later" (see prev stories) too - as that is likely to make your missus rather curious I would imagine. As it regards the wedding ring, I've written before that in a fit of pique I hurled mine into Bass Strait one night in a grand gesture of defiance. Achieved nothing as I had nothing to back it up with. I would counsel against undertaking 'the grand gesture' or 'the talk' or 'cleaning out draws' or anything else until such time as you've got something to back it up.
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Post by isthisit on Apr 5, 2019 7:40:34 GMT -5
I removed my wedding ring the day we told the children about our separation. This was very symbolic for me as I had wanted to remove it for quite a while. At the moment I have a pretty visible groove where my wedding and engagement rings have sat for 21 & 22 years respectively which feels a little like a flag displaying ‘recently separated’ but that’s okay. Few have noticed the omission on my left hand, but those that have have proven pretty clumsy in their observations. A five minute wonder only. I look at my left hand and quietly smile. I am on my way to my future.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 5, 2019 8:16:49 GMT -5
I took it off when I told him we were divorcing.
Get a lawyer first. Having legal counsel is more important than when you take the ring off.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 5, 2019 8:56:00 GMT -5
I took it off when I told him we were divorcing. Get a lawyer first. Having legal counsel is more important than when you take the ring off. ^^^^^^ Please, solodriver listen to your friends here. Those commenting on getting an attorney now have also all been through this process. That should tell you something.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 5, 2019 9:06:37 GMT -5
I removed my wedding ring the day we told the children about our separation. This was very symbolic for me as I had wanted to remove it for quite a while. At the moment I have a pretty visible groove where my wedding and engagement rings have sat for 21 & 22 years respectively which feels a little like a flag displaying ‘recently separated’ but that’s okay. Few have noticed the omission on my left hand, but those that have have proven pretty clumsy in their observations. A five minute wonder only. I look at my left hand and quietly smile. I am on my way to my future. I wore my ring during divorce process when I had the kids. The ex thought that was a good idea. No idea who she thought we were fooling. Just part of the general control mind fuck I guess. I had a pretty prominent groove in my ring finger for same reason. A couple decades of wearing the ring will do that. But the groove has faded and is barely noticeable now in comparison to my right ring finger. And that's only by touch. It's been almost 2 years now, and I'm guessing in another year it will be like it was never there. Like a fading nightmare after you awaken.
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 5, 2019 9:27:56 GMT -5
I can remember the situation quite clearly. We had been in an improved situation for around 3 months with intimacy 2-3 times a week. I though perhaps after numerous reset attempts lasting maybe 2 weeks this time was different. Just before Christmas she refused a for a couple weeks claiming holiday overload. A clumsy excuse but I let it go. After Christmas and through the new year holidays she continued refusing for about 6 weeks. The last time the refusal was quite curt and contemptuous and I knew we were back to square 1. That was the "deal breaker" for me. No more resets. I took off my ring and started distancing myself from her. No hugs, no pecks on the cheek or other signs of affection from me to her. I even stopped asking about her day at work. As she was leaving for a trip to Australia/New Zealand with her daughter I tried to dodge a good bye kiss. I think she realized at that point I was done. I had already spoken with a couple lawyers so I had a feel for how it would shake out and what would be the worst case scenario. I was fine with it. When she came back she saw an attorney and got the bad news as to not getting 1/2 of everything like she thought. We then started to talk about how to part as friends. I made a conscience effort to be as fair as I could be with her as far as assets. I passed on some things I probably could have had but all I wanted at that point was out. Outsourcing played no role in my exit.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 5, 2019 11:16:42 GMT -5
For those who have left their SM, when did you quit wearing your wedding ring? I'm probably going to wait until after I have "The Talk" because again, I don't want to tip my hand as to my plans and have her notice and ask questions.
But what have other done that have left their SM and what was the reaction from their refuser spouse? Did outsourcing play a factor in it? One observation. Having "the talk" means absolutely nothing. After my "talk" my ex spent a ton of money. Nothing gets locked in place until you have a separation date and you don't have that for SURE until a judge sets it. And that doesn't happen until you get a lawyer. You don't protect yourself by springing "the talk" on her and saying "ah ha!" You protect yourself by hiring someone to protect you who knows what he's doing.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 5, 2019 11:28:25 GMT -5
The Talk is a waste of time. It won’t make someone fuck you in a mutually pleasing way who doesn’t want to . If you plan to divorce, the essential step is to see a lawyer.
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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 7, 2019 20:50:03 GMT -5
My separation was a joint agreement. He moved out 3 days later. Probably a week or two later I noticed he was no longer wearing his ring. I was only still wearing mine for his sake. Apparently I needn’t have worried. I happily removed mine that day.
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Post by Handy on Apr 7, 2019 21:12:35 GMT -5
A ring in my type of work is a hazard. I wore my ring during the honeymoon. When I went back to work it came off and I only put it back on a couple of times for less than a day at a time.
I dislike all types of junk on my fingers, arms (almost never wear a watch) never like bracelets, don't understand men with ear rings/studs or anything else I wasn't born with.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 7, 2019 21:28:39 GMT -5
I really don't remember, specifically? I actually, now, look at that as a good thing! probably something that I worried about. Yes I can really be an idiot with the things I worry about.( 90% of worries end up being mild concerns) It's never come up in conversation by anyone. Hopefully the same will be true for you solodriver , as you press forward! I believe I took mine off after my final tipping point ( that eye opening, reset weekend. And her cruel words and actions) along with that was the confirming actions of my ex, that she acted 100% unaffected by any of it. Typical narc behavior.
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Post by Dan on Apr 8, 2019 6:44:59 GMT -5
For those who have left their SM, when did you quit wearing your wedding ring? I'm probably going to wait until after I have "The Talk" because again, I don't want to tip my hand as to my plans and have her notice and ask questions.
But what have other done that have left their SM and what was the reaction from their refuser spouse? Did outsourcing play a factor in it? About three years ago was the last time my wife and I had sex. It was a feeble showing (on her part, and possibly mine as well.) I decided that it wasn't worth trying any more to actually have an intimate relationship with her. I made this conjecture: that is possibly the last time we're ever will have sex. Whether that was prescient or simply self-fulfilling prophecy, it has held true. Shortly after that, I took off my wedding ring. Maybe she'd notice, maybe it would spark a discussion where I could express my opinion that a "marriage without physical intimacy" is indistinguishable from "roommates who share a bank account". About two months in, she inquired. I totally dodged the question, however: "it doesn't really fit well any more". That is the last it has been spoken of. So, answering solodriver's questions: still in my SM; happened way in advance of The Talk; unrelated to outsourcing. FWIW: back in the day when I was outsourcing, I was always 100% clear that I was married. Oddly, being honest about that with my new paramour was very important to me; sexual fidelity toward my wife of twenty-something years, apparently not. If I took my ring off during extramarital encounters, it was not about trying to hide it from who I was meeting; perhaps I didn't want the minor distraction for me.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Apr 8, 2019 18:48:16 GMT -5
I moved mine to a different finger about 3 yrs totally sexless. I told him I don't feel married I feel like room mates. I only kept it on at all because I liked it. Had nothing to do with out sourcing every few years he would re- discover it and be insulted all over again. He didn't even wear his ring he couldn't at work and was too lazy to bother on weekends .
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