endthegame
Junior Member
Posts: 96
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Apr 3, 2019 6:39:02 GMT -5
A good friend told me that whatever you plan it will be different to what actually happens as there are 2 people involved in the split each with individual choices and no obligation to the other person. One is usually dysfunctional in a SM.
What I found valuable in this realistic context was listing the things I need to live. The minimum. The REALISTIC minimum. So I listed furniture and cooking utensils, soap, toothbrush, minimum clothes etc. I listed rental costs and bills to pay and came up with a figure. This figure allowed me to know I could leave and live.
When I left it kind of panned out, differently than expected, but i was out and living independently. You will be amazed how few 'things' you need.
The day I picked the keys up to my rental I went to a cheap home utilities shop with my list. I spent the next 3 hours going back and forth to the car with cups and plates and bedding etc. This was enough.
Everything else is working itself out in time. I now have a TV, a sofa, a bed, cooking utensils etc.
On the top of your list I advise writing down "Be kind d to yourself"
This is the most valuable by far.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Apr 3, 2019 7:21:25 GMT -5
@ solo driver Make sure you have all your important papers in one folder so when you leave you can just grab it birth certificate, passport, car records, insurance paperwork, if its something you both need make copies Know what bills including utilities cable etc are in your name or both or just theirs including credit cards you or spouse are authorized users on.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 3, 2019 7:27:51 GMT -5
Brother solodriver . I am veering off on a tangent here, but it is again alarming that with your time clock now down to 112 days, you have still not consulted a lawyer. I think you need to put that at the absolute top of your list, and pronto....like 'yesterday'. That in itself is probably going to raise a heap more questions to add to your list. I think that cleaning out shit would be low man on the totem pole as far as priorities go at this stage. But anyway, in priority order, I reckon you need #1 - see a lawyer #2 - get together all the stuff he asks for in the way of documentation #3 - listen to any tactical advice the lawyer suggests and tailor your timeline accordingly #4 - shore up your support network, and confide in someone you trust to keep their yap shut and be supportive #5 - think on how you are going to manage friends family and yourself through this #6 - refine, review, fine tune all the above #7 - conduct the talk (optional) at the time indicated as per #3 above at about position #12 or more would come "cleaning out drawers" etc As a further aside, I would abandon that count down clock you were running, and start a new one with day #1 of it being the day you see your lawyer. Until you've done that (seen the lawyer) your exit strategy hasn't really started. I totally agree. If you've been on this forum for any length of time and are leaving without first seeing a lawyer, you are nuts. Or at least setting yourself up for a lot more grief than necessary. Of course, I left without a lawyer and my divorce wasn't a disaster. But that's only because I made consession after concession to keep things "amicable". Now I regret some of those concessions quite a bit.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 3, 2019 7:33:54 GMT -5
I am officially moving out in 2 weeks. I’m not making any lists. I was planning an exit near the end of the year, I was also not making any lists for that. I thought I had my life planned out with my current marriage and I seriously love a good list. I used to make them all the time, and I see where I’ve ended up. At this point I’m just bracing myself and winging it. Although, I see where it would be helpful. If I had to make one it would have went something like this: 1. It’s in God’s hands 2. Save money 3. Get out 4. Take care of yourself 5. The rest will fall into place I’m sure that’s not what your looking for, but I don’t have shared assets with my spouse, so my exit is much easier. Just so you know, it may not matter whose "name" the assets are in. As a matter of fact it can make things worse as you each have to pry things out of each other's hands to split things 50/50. And attorney can these things to you. The only question is whether it is your attorney representing you or his representing him.
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Post by baza on Apr 3, 2019 7:51:38 GMT -5
I am pretty sure that in a lawyer consultation, you will find out one very important fact.
That being that the lawyer knows a fucking lot more about the law than you do. The second thing you are likely to discover is that the lawyer knows a heap more about divorce than you do. The third thing you are likely to discover is that the lawyer is a way better negotiator in this field than you are.
But, if you figure you know more about the law than a lawyer does, if you reckon you know more about divorce than the lawyer does, and that you feel you are a better negotiator than the lawyer is, and you elect to not engage one, well good fucking luck with that strategy.
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Post by smith227 on Apr 3, 2019 8:04:24 GMT -5
I am officially moving out in 2 weeks. I’m not making any lists. I was planning an exit near the end of the year, I was also not making any lists for that. I thought I had my life planned out with my current marriage and I seriously love a good list. I used to make them all the time, and I see where I’ve ended up. At this point I’m just bracing myself and winging it. Although, I see where it would be helpful. If I had to make one it would have went something like this: 1. It’s in God’s hands 2. Save money 3. Get out 4. Take care of yourself 5. The rest will fall into place I’m sure that’s not what your looking for, but I don’t have shared assets with my spouse, so my exit is much easier. Just so you know, it may not matter whose "name" the assets are in. As a matter of fact it can make things worse as you each have to pry things out of each other's hands to split things 50/50. And attorney can these things to you. The only question is whether it is your attorney representing you or his representing him. Neither of us have an attorney. We’re disolving the marriage. It’s around 300 bucks. I’ve already paid. We have no savings, no joint accounts. He has a used car that’s worth around 500 bucks and he came with it. If he wants my dollar store pots and pans or my paper plates, he can have them. The house we live in is falling apart and in his and his mom’s name. He owned it for 15 years before I even came along and my name is nowhere on it. I don’t want it. My mail doesn’t even come to this house. I have a PO Box. I have around 3 bucks between my savings and checking account and he probably has less. Neither one of us can afford an attorney, nor do we know anyone that could pay for one for us. He works around 12 hours a week at a retail job. There’s never been a time where we’ve even attempted to support each other monetarily bc we both have nothing and live paycheck to paycheck. We have no children or shared assets. We actually have no assets at all. We’d could be getting welfare if either of us had the motivation to apply. We both agree that this marriage was a mistake and though I don’t get his angle of being nice to me right now bc I’m leaving in 12 days, I do know that he doesn’t want me and won’t try to keep me from leaving with threats of holding up a divorce. He doesn’t care.
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 3, 2019 8:26:41 GMT -5
Another thing I would look at preparing(after the consultation with an attorney) is a realistic budget for yourself. How much money are you likely to have and how are you going to allocate it? After my 1st divorce I had to move back in with my mom for about 8 months. At that time men with children and divorcing in NC really got creamed by the judicial system. Back then if you had assets and a good income the W got pretty much everything and a substantial figure for child support. This usually left the male parent with about 20-25% of his before divorce income. What I'm saying is you are likely to undergo a big change in your living status. Think in terms of making a life for yourself on substantially less spending money and plan accordingly.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 3, 2019 9:11:00 GMT -5
Another thing I would look at preparing(after the consultation with an attorney) is a realistic budget for yourself. How much money are you likely to have and how are you going to allocate it? After my 1st divorce I had to move back in with my mom for about 8 months. At that time men with children and divorcing in NC really got creamed by the judicial system. Back then if you had assets and a good income the W got pretty much everything and a substantial figure for child support. This usually left the male parent with about 20-25% of his before divorce income. What I'm saying is you are likely to undergo a big change in your living status. Think in terms of making a life for yourself on substantially less spending money and plan accordingly. Just a side note: The times, they are a changin! More and more women are now the head of the household, make more money than their spouse, and in cases are the sole provider. The wheels do turn slow, but change is coming. The courts are beginning to reflect this more and more. 50/50 division and a short period of time for a spouse to find reasonable employment and provide for themselves. No more lifetime alimony. solodriver STBX may be very naive to this ,and is expecting things to be highly in her favor, like in the past. She may be in for a very rude awakening! More reasons to consult with an attorney, and ask what the verdict will' most likely' be. ( I agree with your budget for less plan)
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 3, 2019 9:16:30 GMT -5
Smith227 said: “I don’t get his angle of being nice to me right now bc I’m leaving in 12 days,”
He wants you to stay because of your financial contribution and help with chores.
If you can qualify for food stamps or other assistance it would be wise to follow up after you move.
How did the two of you decide to marry?
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Post by smith227 on Apr 3, 2019 9:48:15 GMT -5
Smith227 said: “I don’t get his angle of being nice to me right now bc I’m leaving in 12 days,” He wants you to stay because of your financial contribution and help with chores. If you can qualify for food stamps or other assistance it would be wise to follow up after you move. How did the two of you decide to marry? You are exactly right. Those are the exact and only reasons he’d want me to stay. We married bc things were good at the time. We can have a really good time together, and there’s lots of laughter. We had sex around once a week before we were married, and while I would have liked it more, what we had was good. I was turning 40 and I figured why wait? He seriously pulled a 180 after we made our vows. Didn’t even have a honeymoon period. What I didn’t know then, was he basically begged any woman he dated to move in with him. He just wanted a roommate to help with monthly bills and to be able to call the roommate a girlfriend or wife while fully planning to not act like a husband once commited. I was confused as hell for a while until I started to google wtf was wrong with me, and found this board. I had no idea these kind of relationships existed until I was right in the middle of one bc I’ve never experienced anything like this. And I never will again.
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Post by baza on Apr 3, 2019 17:55:05 GMT -5
Presumably in this room mate / bill splitting scenario you derived a financial benefit as well Sister smith227 . So the situation wasn't a total loss.
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Post by saarinista on Apr 4, 2019 15:56:33 GMT -5
Just so you know, it may not matter whose "name" the assets are in. As a matter of fact it can make things worse as you each have to pry things out of each other's hands to split things 50/50.
And attorney can these things to you. The only question is whether it is your attorney representing you or his representing him. Neither of us have an attorney. We’re disolving the marriage. It’s around 300 bucks. I’ve already paid. We have no savings, no joint accounts. He has a used car that’s worth around 500 bucks and he came with it. If he wants my dollar store pots and pans or my paper plates, he can have them. The house we live in is falling apart and in his and his mom’s name. He owned it for 15 years before I even came along and my name is nowhere on it. I don’t want it. My mail doesn’t even come to this house. I have a PO Box. I have around 3 bucks between my savings and checking account and he probably has less. Neither one of us can afford an attorney, nor do we know anyone that could pay for one for us. He works around 12 hours a week at a retail job. There’s never been a time where we’ve even attempted to support each other monetarily bc we both have nothing and live paycheck to paycheck. We have no children or shared assets. We actually have no assets at all. We’d could be getting welfare if either of us had the motivation to apply. We both agree that this marriage was a mistake and though I don’t get his angle of being nice to me right now bc I’m leaving in 12 days, I do know that he doesn’t want me and won’t try to keep me from leaving with threats of holding up a divorce. He doesn’t care. See, yet another reason not being wealthy isn't the worst thing ever. You don't have to fight over assets in the divorce! You can probably get by with a cheapie attorney as well. Most knives cut both ways, don't they?
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Post by lessingham on Apr 5, 2019 9:33:18 GMT -5
He who steals my purse steals trash, as Shakespeare sayeth
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Post by csl on Apr 6, 2019 15:15:34 GMT -5
He who steals my purse steals trash, as Shakespeare sayeth Yes, but look who is saying it...
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Post by solodriver on Apr 6, 2019 21:29:20 GMT -5
"On the top of your list I advise writing down "Be kind d to yourself"
That's probably the hardest but most important to remember. As I get closer to the time, I feel worse and more alone about it, but not worse enough to change my mind.
It will be no worse or more alone than I feel with her here every day. Living with someome who doesn't give a shit. How much worse or alone can you feel than that?
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