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Lists
Mar 30, 2019 13:28:22 GMT -5
Post by solodriver on Mar 30, 2019 13:28:22 GMT -5
For those of you who have left your SMs, what kind of lists did you make to prepare you for leaving?
I'm working and reviewing mine and I want to make sure I've covered everything.
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Post by baza on Mar 30, 2019 18:49:19 GMT -5
How would you feel about putting your list up here Brother solodriver ? If it appears you've left something out someone in the membership will pick up on it.
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Lists
Mar 30, 2019 20:24:55 GMT -5
Post by solodriver on Mar 30, 2019 20:24:55 GMT -5
ok I can do that.
Thanks
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Post by smith227 on Mar 30, 2019 20:44:58 GMT -5
I am officially moving out in 2 weeks. I’m not making any lists. I was planning an exit near the end of the year, I was also not making any lists for that. I thought I had my life planned out with my current marriage and I seriously love a good list. I used to make them all the time, and I see where I’ve ended up. At this point I’m just bracing myself and winging it. Although, I see where it would be helpful. If I had to make one it would have went something like this:
1. It’s in God’s hands 2. Save money 3. Get out 4. Take care of yourself 5. The rest will fall into place
I’m sure that’s not what your looking for, but I don’t have shared assets with my spouse, so my exit is much easier.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 30, 2019 21:17:58 GMT -5
Well My List is
- Finish cleaning out drawers, closets and garage of items I really no longer need or that I will not need after I leave - Get a handle on the financial picture for the attorney consult - Do research for attorney consultations - Do attorney consultations - Find location to move to - Have "The Talk" - Immediately or shortly thereafter moving out
That's as far as I can see for right oow.
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Post by baza on Mar 30, 2019 22:16:23 GMT -5
Brother solodriver . I am veering off on a tangent here, but it is again alarming that with your time clock now down to 112 days, you have still not consulted a lawyer. I think you need to put that at the absolute top of your list, and pronto....like 'yesterday'. That in itself is probably going to raise a heap more questions to add to your list. I think that cleaning out shit would be low man on the totem pole as far as priorities go at this stage. But anyway, in priority order, I reckon you need #1 - see a lawyer #2 - get together all the stuff he asks for in the way of documentation #3 - listen to any tactical advice the lawyer suggests and tailor your timeline accordingly #4 - shore up your support network, and confide in someone you trust to keep their yap shut and be supportive #5 - think on how you are going to manage friends family and yourself through this #6 - refine, review, fine tune all the above #7 - conduct the talk (optional) at the time indicated as per #3 above at about position #12 or more would come "cleaning out drawers" etc As a further aside, I would abandon that count down clock you were running, and start a new one with day #1 of it being the day you see your lawyer. Until you've done that (seen the lawyer) your exit strategy hasn't really started.
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Post by saarinista on Mar 31, 2019 4:31:53 GMT -5
I agree with baza, solodriver. if you ain't talked to a lawyer yet, are you really serious about leaving? it's okay if you don't divorce. But you say you want to divorce... yet you've not done the thing you most need to do, which is to talk to a lawyer. that tells me you may not really want to leave your marriage. how about individual therapy? have you gotten any to support you in working through your thoughts?
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Post by tirefire on Mar 31, 2019 7:10:19 GMT -5
Once I knew I'd be getting out, I kind of had a list of what I wanted for my next partner. Touch, sex positive, sane, pretty smile, attractive etc. I think doing this can help you keep your sanity. It's like looking forward rather than back.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 31, 2019 8:03:35 GMT -5
"Deciding" to see a lawyer needs a countdown clock and a list of it's own.
1)Get recommendations, from people who have been divorced in your area. From people who work within the court system, who know the good attorneys and the bad ones.
2) Get on the phone. Call and ask questions. Mostly to set up a free consultation.
3) Take the time off from work to go. It's scary. You will be nervous and worried. 98% of the things we worried SO much in life about usually end up being 'mild concerns'. DO IT FOR YOURSELF! ( Put doing things for yourself on another list).
4) Take your new found info. and then go see another attorney for another free consultation. You most likely will have a 'new set of questions ' for attorney no2 after seeing attorney no1.
5) Speak with a third attorney. After getting advice from your support network. Look for a divorce recovery class in your area. It is geared for getting ready to be divorced, as well as recovering after. You will feel much more confident now ,with choosing an attorney and taking ground by moving forward.
6) Once you retain an attorney . you get a new list. Choosing, and going through the process of Collaborative law, Mediation, and or a trial with a judge.
Side note: Near the end of my process ( there was no timeline. Delays,of all kinds, kept changing that. I was forced to be flexible) I walked through the house and made a list of what would stay and what I would take with me. ( hard to do when you don't know ;am I keeping the house? Am I keeping the kids? How many kids? Will I buy a house, or rent an apartment? What size will it be? Will I have a garage? A lawn? etc....
I made a list for every room. Then the garage, then the shed, the cars, etc...Some things are easier to divide. One bedroom set stays, the other goes with you. One couch stays, the other goes with you. One bike stays, the other goes with you, etc...
This is something an attorney will ask you to have ready, when it is needed. Something you and your stbx can decide upon. ( mine agreed to 99% of my list, and did not make one of her own)
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 31, 2019 9:31:26 GMT -5
Well My List is - Finish cleaning out drawers, closets and garage of items I really no longer need or that I will not need after I leave - Get a handle on the financial picture for the attorney consult - Do research for attorney consultations - Do attorney consultations - Find location to move to - Have "The Talk" - Immediately or shortly thereafter moving out That's as far as I can see for right oow. That's a good starting list! Finding locations to move to, can also be a good boost to getting your independance and your life back. Then again it can be a real downer when you don't even know how your divorce will shake out and what you will be able to afford. Your attorney will be able to use your budget expectations ( needs) for after the divorce as a guideline on settling the divorce. The " talk" might need to take place when you have retained an attorney. She will be notified of the divorce. Ask your attorney to recommend an attorney that they prefer to work with, for your STBX. Moving out, may have to wait. That is something to discuss with your attorney. Your stbx might decide to move out. it's a wait and see.
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Lists
Mar 31, 2019 10:22:33 GMT -5
Post by solodriver on Mar 31, 2019 10:22:33 GMT -5
Once I knew I'd be getting out, I kind of had a list of what I wanted for my next partner. Touch, sex positive, sane, pretty smile, attractive etc. I think doing this can help you keep your sanity. It's like looking forward rather than back. And you found it!
I only hope I can be as lucky as you have been.
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Lists
Mar 31, 2019 13:50:44 GMT -5
Post by solodriver on Mar 31, 2019 13:50:44 GMT -5
I agree with baza , solodriver . if you ain't talked to a lawyer yet, are you really serious about leaving? it's okay if you don't divorce. But you say you want to divorce... yet you've not done the thing you most need to do, which is to talk to a lawyer. that tells me you may not really want to leave your marriage. how about individual therapy? have you gotten any to support you in working through your thoughts? The therapy piece may have to wait until after the separation. I don't have a job where I get paid time off so any appointments I make for lawyer's, therapists, dentists etc. comes out of my paycheck, which I can't afford and would be questioned by my wife. And I'm trying real hard to keep this to myself until "The Talk".
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 31, 2019 14:05:30 GMT -5
I agree with baza , solodriver . if you ain't talked to a lawyer yet, are you really serious about leaving? it's okay if you don't divorce. But you say you want to divorce... yet you've not done the thing you most need to do, which is to talk to a lawyer. that tells me you may not really want to leave your marriage. how about individual therapy? have you gotten any to support you in working through your thoughts? The therapy piece may have to wait until after the separation. I don't have a job where I get paid time off so any appointments I make for lawyer's, therapists, dentists etc. comes out of my paycheck, which I can't afford and would be questioned by my wife. And I'm trying real hard to keep this to myself until "The Talk". I know you have mentioned this ,in the past. However, the time is coming ( or is now) to detach yourself from her 'questioning' and set up a boundary. Your life, your time, your decisions, for something that is happening due to her problems with control , manipulation, and selfishness. I am not surprised that she keeps tight control over the money, ( money=power=control) and your time. let that be in the past. The time is now. Change is no longer coming, it begins now, with you taking back control of the present and the future. No one else can do that. Short term discomfort = long term gain. ( like disciplining a child) This ^^^ is also a time where you will receive some valuable " counselling" ( not just legal) from an attorney, in how to handle a controlling spouse and take your life back. ( they have seen it all!). Advice about your rights, and getting you started on dividing your paycheck and accounts, so you have all the control over your share of your time and finances, that will be needed for the divorce.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 31, 2019 14:46:23 GMT -5
Solodriver, you need legal advice before The Talk.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 31, 2019 18:14:17 GMT -5
NSM, that is on my list.
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