firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by firefollower on Mar 30, 2019 20:46:31 GMT -5
This had been an ongoing problem for months. He would always lose his erection shortly after we began sex. It wasn't like this for 20 years then bam out of the blue problems. He is 38 so Ed is unlikely I think. In my head it's because he has lost feeling for me. If he wants out he needs to ha e the balls to admit it and stop fu kin with my emotions. oh boy....sounds like some psychological issues with your H. I know that when I used to have sex...there would be times when I could not keep an erection...usually would have nothing to do with the woman...some outside stress...family, financial...the more I would think about it the worse it would get. You both need to TALK about this if you have any chance.
|
|
|
Post by tirefire on Mar 31, 2019 6:35:44 GMT -5
My hubby and I had sex tonight. No not great he couldn't even get off after an hour of oral, vaginal, and anal sex. He didn't even bother to say anything he just pulled out and went to the bathroom. Are you fucking kidding me. I don't ever and I mean ever want ANYONE to see me naked again EVER!!! This just desamated any tiny sliver of self esteem I had left. I am just shattered and there is nothing left of a woman anymore just an empty shell. I've read some of your earlier posts so I know the problem is bigger than this episode. It sounds like he needs some help. And this has been devastating for you. I just want to share that it is possible for him to want to fuck you more than anything else, has a mind blowing time with you during sex, and doesn't end up with an orgasm. And depending on his personality, he'll react in a variety of ways. The best would be to say "Holy shit babe, that was incredible" and then talk and cuddle after an hour of pleasure. The worst might be what he did which was to run off afterwards leaving you feeling crappy. Sounds like he's not happy with not "getting there" and he didn't handle it well. It's hard to comment because there appears to be a lot more going on with your sexual relationship. Just thought I'd share my experience and make sure the women know it's possible for your man to have incredibly strong desire, a solid erection during the best sex of his life and still not orgasm. It can be part age, part sexual history (years of relying on manual stimulation in a sexless marriage -ahem-), plus who knows what else is going on with the male mind. Take care, jessie83.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Apr 1, 2019 2:30:22 GMT -5
My hubby and I had sex tonight. No not great he couldn't even get off after an hour of oral, vaginal, and anal sex. He didn't even bother to say anything he just pulled out and went to the bathroom. Are you fucking kidding me. I don't ever and I mean ever want ANYONE to see me naked again EVER!!! This just desamated any tiny sliver of self esteem I had left. I am just shattered and there is nothing left of a woman anymore just an empty shell. jessie, my condolences for your situation. I have no idea what you look like, but, having seen these sorts of problems before, trust me, the problem is not you. We all suffer self esteem problems over our sexless marriages, but it is worse for women because society expects men to be sexually aggressive, and, it's just not the case. Regarding sex and getting off, my ex was perfectly happy with me getting it over quick. I wasn't, so I figured out how to trick my body into lasting longer. The worst sex I ever had was a couple pumps and an ejaculation. The best sex I have had has been hours long without either of us cumming, but collapsing into each others arms, exhausted, and happy. Incidentally, ED issues are treatable with the exact same medicines doctors use to treat premature ejaculation. If he could not cum, and he is taking something for his ED, that might be the reason.
|
|
|
Post by h on Apr 1, 2019 11:26:13 GMT -5
I want to say first that I can't possibly know the reason why your h couldn't finish. I will tell you about my experience from last summer though. I had very severe back spasms and was in so much pain I couldn't pick up things off the floor. After several visits to the chiropractor, I was feeling much better, but my W and I took a weekend getaway for our anniversary and I was still unable to maintain an erection. The pinched nerve prevented me from keeping it up. I was really looking forward to it because we had been trying to work on our sex life and I just couldn't manage it. My w was devastated because she felt much the same way you do. She blamed herself and thought I wasn't attracted to her anymore. No matter what I said, she couldn't accept my words.
I honestly don't know what your h thinks, but sometimes the loss of erection isn't his fault. Before assuming that you know the reason, try talking to him about it and please try to be gentle and understanding about it. It's a very sensitive topic that he's probably embarrassed about. He may not want to talk about but he needs to communicate with you about this.
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Apr 1, 2019 14:06:13 GMT -5
My hubby and I had sex tonight. No not great he couldn't even get off after an hour of oral, vaginal, and anal sex. He didn't even bother to say anything he just pulled out and went to the bathroom. Are you fucking kidding me. I don't ever and I mean ever want ANYONE to see me naked again EVER!!! This just desamated any tiny sliver of self esteem I had left. I am just shattered and there is nothing left of a woman anymore just an empty shell. I've read some of your earlier posts so I know the problem is bigger than this episode. It sounds like he needs some help. And this has been devastating for you. I just want to share that it is possible for him to want to fuck you more than anything else, has a mind blowing time with you during sex, and doesn't end up with an orgasm. And depending on his personality, he'll react in a variety of ways. The best would be to say "Holy shit babe, that was incredible" and then talk and cuddle after an hour of pleasure. The worst might be what he did which was to run off afterwards leaving you feeling crappy. Sounds like he's not happy with not "getting there" and he didn't handle it well. It's hard to comment because there appears to be a lot more going on with your sexual relationship. Just thought I'd share my experience and make sure the women know it's possible for your man to have incredibly strong desire, a solid erection during the best sex of his life and still not orgasm. It can be part age, part sexual history (years of relying on manual stimulation in a sexless marriage -ahem-), plus who knows what else is going on with the male mind. Take care, jessie83. It is a bit of a stereotype that us guys are sex machines that can perform on demand. It don't always work that way. Others have suggested talking about it with him. I'd agree. Lots of possible reasons to run for the bathroom and try to jerk off. Everything from him being a jerk to him being ashamed and frustrated but still needing release. I spent a couple decades taking care of myself in my SM. There were several periods where the absense of sex lasted over a year. If you're used to jerking off (porn or no porn), the level of stimulation you are accustomed to simply isn't possible with a partner. If you're a guy and you get stressed, that boner is gonna go away. Period. Us guys can have some seriously fragile egos. Especially when it comes to the bedroom. You may be doing "your part" going at it. If he went at it for an hour he did his part too. Seems like a conversation is in order. If that doesnt help, maybe some professional assistance.
|
|
|
Post by ballofconfusion on Apr 1, 2019 16:18:20 GMT -5
I have to add to what shamwow said. I apologize if this sounds insensitive to you as it isn’t my intention.
If you wish to improve things and have a truly intimate and fulfilling sex life with your husband, then I would suggest a few things in regard to what happened after an hour of vaginal, oral and anal sex. Men can have desire for you and be enjoying sex with you immensely, yet, for various reasons, they may be unable to orgasm each time - if at all. The pressure for that has to go. That pressure alone can prevent his orgasm.
Also, I would encourage you to view sex as an intimate experience without a goal other than that intimacy. Sex is not a performance. Throw away your expectations and, instead, just be with each other and go with whatever occurs. If he can’t orgasm, why not stroke yourself while he does the same? Then drink him when he does orgasm. Pretty damn erotic if you ask me. Play together. Stop for awhile if he is having trouble. Take the focus off of an orgasm and give each other a massage or just be naked and talk. The fact that you are angry over something he can’t control will only make everything worse for both of you. If he feels accepted without being shamed, you may be able to begin the process of figuring things out...together. Whether it is porn or masturbation habits, fear or exhaustion - or all of the above - he cannot be shamed into a better “performance” for you. In fact, that attitude misses the point of sex entirely in my opinion.
When I first met shamwow there were issues of varying kinds. If I had responded with anger and had humiliated him by making it all about me, our relationship would have never gotten off the ground, much less flourished. Instead of taking things personally, I put myself in his place and reassured him that sex was not a goal oriented “sport,” but rather an intimate experience to be shared. As it so happens, that attitude relaxed us BOTH. As a result, we are closer and sex is amazing for us. Whether he orgasms 3,4 or 8 times in a couple of days is irrelevant. We explore each other, we play, we experiment. The point is there is zero pressure. Time spent together naked in bed is a gift and not a test of desire or an anxiety producing exercise in endurance. Sex is meant to bond you. Your bed should be the safest place for the two of you. If he can’t have an orgasm every time? OK. He is naked with you. He is having sex with his wife. You are one of the lucky ones. If you desire more of that? Be kind to him and to yourself. Allow yourselves to relax and enjoy sexual intimacy with no planned destination. It may make a world of difference for you both.
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Apr 1, 2019 16:40:55 GMT -5
I have to add to what shamwow said. I apologize if this sounds insensitive to you as it isn’t my intention. If you wish to improve things and have a truly intimate and fulfilling sex life with your husband, then I would suggest a few things in regard to what happened after an hour of vaginal, oral and anal sex. Men can have desire for you and be enjoying sex with you immensely, yet, for various reasons, they may be unable to orgasm each time - if at all. The pressure for that has to go. That pressure alone can prevent his orgasm. Also, I would encourage you to view sex as an intimate experience without a goal other than that intimacy. Sex is not a performance. Throw away your expectations and, instead, just be with each other and go with whatever occurs. If he can’t orgasm, why not stroke yourself while he does the same? Then drink him when he does orgasm. Pretty damn erotic if you ask me. Play together. Stop for awhile if he is having trouble. Take the focus off of an orgasm and give each other a massage or just be naked and talk. The fact that you are angry over something he can’t control will only make everything worse for both of you. If he feels accepted without being shamed, you may be able to begin the process of figuring things out...together. Whether it is porn or masturbation habits, fear or exhaustion - or all of the above - he cannot be shamed into a better “performance” for you. In fact, that attitude misses the point of sex entirely in my opinion. When I first met shamwow there were issues of varying kinds. If I had responded with anger and had humiliated him by making it all about me, our relationship would have never gotten off the ground, much less flourished. Instead of taking things personally, I put myself in his place and reassured him that sex was not a goal oriented “sport,” but rather an intimate experience to be shared. As it so happens, that attitude relaxed us BOTH. As a result, we are closer and sex is amazing for us. Whether he orgasms 3,4 or 8 times in a couple of days is irrelevant. We explore each other, we play, we experiment. The point is there is zero pressure. Time spent together naked in bed is a gift and not a test of desire or an anxiety producing exercise in endurance. Sex is meant to bond you. Your bed should be the safest place for the two of you. If he can’t have an orgasm every time? OK. He is naked with you. He is having sex with his wife. You are one of the lucky ones. If you desire more of that? Be kind to him and to yourself. Allow yourselves to relax and enjoy sexual intimacy with no planned destination. It may make a world of difference for you both. Perfectly said as usual, BOC.
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Apr 1, 2019 17:22:48 GMT -5
I totally agree with BOC. Very good post by the way.
|
|
|
Post by workingonit on Apr 1, 2019 18:18:15 GMT -5
Wow ballofconfusion that just made me cry. Sex should be safe. And fun. And communication should flow free. I am so happy you have this in your life. You deserve it. And I pray I could have it too one day.
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Apr 1, 2019 18:39:37 GMT -5
Wow ballofconfusion that just made me cry. Sex should be safe. And fun. And communication should flow free. I am so happy you have this in your life. You deserve it. And I pray I could have it too one day. I think you will Jen.
|
|
|
Post by workingonit on Apr 1, 2019 19:26:07 GMT -5
Wow ballofconfusion that just made me cry. Sex should be safe. And fun. And communication should flow free. I am so happy you have this in your life. You deserve it. And I pray I could have it too one day. I think you will Jen. Thanks love. Somedays I believe it, somedays I don't. You are one of my inspirations!!
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Apr 2, 2019 5:36:05 GMT -5
Thanks love. Somedays I believe it, somedays I don't. You are one of my inspirations!! I also believe you are going to find happiness, workingonit. You have too much to offer to not be treasured.
|
|
|
Post by tamara68 on Apr 2, 2019 9:13:13 GMT -5
I agree with ballofconfusion. My friend can't always keep an erection and often it takes a long time before he can ejaculate. First time we had sex, he was a bit nervous because it had been a while since he had sex. He wanted to perform well and got frustrated with himself that he couldn't the way he wanted to. It wasn't a big deal for me and we joked a bit about needing practice. It got a lot better since then. I think sex with him is very good most times now. It doesn't matter if he loses his erection, because then he focuses on pleasuring me and it doesn't take long before he has an erection again. He just takes a few breaks now and then. And the practice we had helped a lot to get to know each other's likes and dislikes. Not putting pressure on each other is very important.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Apr 2, 2019 15:29:01 GMT -5
I think failure to function is inevitable for all of us. For a guy it is much more noticeable, though. Pressure to perform makes it more likely. Ask anyone at a swingers club about "stage fright," and they will confirm this.
I think it is a blessing for a guy to have a partner that understands that, and it is a blessing for a woman to have a partner that does not retreat when things don't go as planned.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Apr 2, 2019 16:04:56 GMT -5
I would like to respond on the coattails of all the previous response.
Your H had 20 yrs of "good performance" and then out of nowhere, NOTHING!
My experience with "failure to function" was all new ground after decades of a SM.Fortunately my new partner took a very helpful approach. On our 3rd try, my erections would go soft during PIV. Oral or hand or visual was not a problem, the erection 'mostly' would remain.
I had to also deal with my fragile ego, and figure out the best way to communicate it.
This may sound wrong, and surprise you, however, I asked my partner, " I want to go to the other room and just see if using some porn, would make a difference? If I am able to ejaculate or not?. I want to know if it's just a mental stress, anxiety, or something else? I feel really guilty about even asking such a thing! I will understand if you say no."
My partner responded," that's okay. I understand ,I don't take it personal at all. You can even view porn while we are having sex. ( I did not want to do that! I wanted to do away with porn all together) I like being with you, I like who you are, I like where you are coming from. It doesn't matter if you never put it inside of me, we have toys, you please me, I please you, we have oral and hand, and so much more intimacy than anyone else has ever shown me." We are still very happy about the way we make love and treat each other. ( she did not retreat when things didn't go as planned. She did not take it personally. Instead she saw hope and promise, and recognized the facts over emotion)
Even viewing the porn, I still did not have an ejaculation. Time has made things better, but most of all, not feeling pressured to always perform with a full orgasm, has made things improve. I also discovered that " my tank" needs 24 hrs to refill. I discovered that taking Viagra can certainly keep you hard but can also keep you from finishing an orgasm. My partner, however can be all "horney, wet, and ready to go" by just talking to me on the phone. Very different from my ex. My ex had problems with remaining very dry, her past, self esteem etc.....
Discovering, all these 'things' takes a partner that is willing to understand.
|
|