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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 27, 2019 9:33:55 GMT -5
I think anger can be over a long period. I think there is short-term anger, which can happen because of feeling threatened in some way either physically or emotionally. Then there is long-term anger over something that you have to endure, that you have no control over.
For instance, I'm angry every day at my wife for not valuing my feelings or our marriage and leaving me no good options. For basically lying to me when she said last summer that she wanted to work on our marriage and then there being absolutely no change in our situation. I feel like she is forcing my hand to separate and divorce after 31 years of marriage and I am ANGRY, MAD, SAD and RESENTFUL all of the same time. I go to bed feeling that way every night, I wake up immediately feeling that way every morning and it eats at me all day while I'm at work. I hate coming home every night because my anger is always there. I never get a break from it.
I don't think it's unreasonable for me to feel angry even though she hasn't done anything "at the moment" for me to be angry over. I'm hurting very badly after having to endure celibacy and complete lack of affection for almost 20 years. I am angry at the situation, a situation that could have been avoided by honestly, love and caring that she was supposed to have for me as my wife. I certainly have tried to do that for her. I'm angry because I wasted 20 years of my life waiting for her to fulfill her promise to love, honor and cherish me the way I did her. I'm angry for my feelings and emotions being "dismissed" as not important. And I swallowed that anger and kept it inside because I was afraid if I expressed it, it would just make the situation worse. But instead my wife used it against me to keep up her uncaring, unloving, unwanted rejection of me. And I'm angry at me for allowing all of it to happen and cheating myself out of a loving, wonderful and sexually fulfilling relationship over all these years that I cannot get back. And because she doesn't care or love me anymore. I have to walk around in my house in a constant state of anger and try to keep myself from exploding and saying something that I will really regret.
This is not me at all, I've never felt or acted this way. I hate living this way. But it also helps me stay focused on leaving and what I need to do that. I know I need more tools/skills to manage this anger and resentment during the remaining time before leaving.
solodriver - now that baza has given you an account of his experience, I wanted to give you my perspective as I struggle to get out of my marriage. Yes, resentment and anger motivated me. Admittedly, they’ve been very powerful motivators. Now that I’ve started having those difficult discussions with my h and witnessing the effect my words are having on him, I’m starting to rethink things. I am an empathetic, soft hearted person. I hate hurting people. Even though h has hurt me repeatedly throughout the years, it is very difficult for me to do the same. That being said, I have not changed my mind. My marriage IS over. But I am rethinking my approach. I’m trying to accomplish this in more of an empathetic and cooperative manner. Most importantly, I’m facing the fact that I’ve also contributed to the failure of my marriage. I’m working on identifying what behaviors and thought processes I’ve had that need to be looked at, evaluated, and maybe changed. After all, my greatest desire is to have a loving and committed relationship with someone who is sexually compatible with me. I know I won’t have that unless I sort my shit out, as baza loves to say! Your posts are reading very much like you’re focusing all your energy on your anger and resentment towards your wife (and yourself). Maybe you could take some of that energy and turn it into some self analysis and begin working on improving yourself? A counselor is an invaluable tool for this process. No one should have to live day in and day out under a cloud of unhappiness and resentment. You can do something about it now- you don’t need to wait until you get out. I’ll be rooting for you! Very good advice! I would just like to add two things to it. 1) By detaching and distancing yourself as much as possible from a controller, while still living in the same house, you are helping yourself to get out. 2) Taking a more empathetic and cooperative manner, can backfire. When dealing with a manipulative controller, a narcissist, if you give them an inch, they will take your kidney! Dear lady, you need a lawyer with teeth. Someone who will give your STBX a deadline, an ultimatum with severe consequences. The law is on your side, use it to your advantage. Stop moving the goal post. Stop drawing a line in the sand, and then another, and another.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 27, 2019 9:41:55 GMT -5
Lessingham said: “My refuser has deeper problems with me and this comes out in her rejection of me. Thus I wear myself out trying to fix a sex problem, instead of fixing the deeper malaise..”
No one can make another person love them the way they want. Instead of continuing to try to do things to attract your wife to you even though she has shown no interest in including sex in your marriage and she does little to make you happy, you would be better off setting yourself free to find a woman who’d love you the way you are. Look at the experiences of flashjohn and great coastal. Once they divorced, they found the kind of love they wanted.
While it is not guaranteed that divorce will bring that kind of love,, experiences here demonstrate that odds are virtually nil that you will ever have the love you want if you stay with your wife. However, it’s your life. You can choose to remain mired in misery til you are so old and infirm that’s the only choice you have or you can choose the risk of finding a better life with someone else or even by yourself. For many, being single is preferable to being with a spouse who refuses intimacy and just takes and is an energy drain.
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Post by sadkat on Mar 27, 2019 12:08:43 GMT -5
greatcoastal- I can see why you might be concerned over my change in attitude. There is a chance I might be manipulated but I must take this journey in a way that I feel good about when I look back at it. My h may be controlling, not sure he’s narcissistic, but definitely a porn addict! I have not moved my line in the sand. I am still on track with my plans and, best of all- my therapist thinks I’m making great progress!! When I sought counseling, it was specifically for help in getting out of my marriage. Being told that I’m making great progress is priceless! I have a lawyer who will fight for me if the need arises. I just don’t think it’s time yet to bring out the big guns. Believe me, I will if I need to.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 27, 2019 12:24:36 GMT -5
greatcoastal - I can see why you might be concerned over my change in attitude. There is a chance I might be manipulated but I must take this journey in a way that I feel good about when I look back at it. My h may be controlling, not sure he’s narcissistic, but definitely a porn addict! I have not moved my line in the sand. I am still on track with my plans and, best of all- my therapist thinks I’m making great progress!! When I sought counseling, it was specifically for help in getting out of my marriage. Being told that I’m making great progress is priceless! I have a lawyer who will fight for me if the need arises. I just don’t think it’s time yet to bring out the big guns. Believe me, I will if I need to. As long as you are aware of what is happening to you, while it's happening, that is good progress!! And you have the strength/support to turn up the heat when needed. Their will be times, in the divorce process when you are asked " did you try other options?" You will have that to your advantage. be sure and document your H's refusal to cooperate.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 27, 2019 12:43:17 GMT -5
I'll continue to take the contrary view. I can only speak to my own situation but once resentment (over sex, over finances, over whatever) enters the picture it clouds everything else. Now your tank is empty and you start seeing problems everywhere. Had the resentment not crept it, no matter the reason, you would have remained more resilient in the relationship.
One consistent theme I see here whether you're a "it's mostly the sex" or "God, this whole situation is a train wreck and now I see it clearly" is that the people here are looking for solutions. The other side of the equation, our partners, don't seem to care much. There are a whole host of reasons but what has worked for me is that I'm trying to NOT be a fixer now. No matter the issue.
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Post by baza on Mar 27, 2019 20:42:36 GMT -5
It is an interesting idea that sexless marriages have more fundemental problems abd the lack of sex is a symptom not a cause. My refuser has deeper problems with me and this comes out in her rejection of me. Thus I wear myself out trying to fix a sex problem, instead of fixing the deeper malaise. Once that is fixed, the sex life can heal. The onus returns to me. Unless you are the one with "the deep malaise" Brother lessingham , you ain't going to be able to "fix" it. That job resides entirely with the person who has the "deep malaise". The only thing you can control in these cases is whether you are going to remain in the environment where there is a "deep malaise". However, unless you are totally different to other members here, you will have your own "issues" that you could start sorting out. You might not be able to do anything about your missus' issues, you most certainly can do something about your own. Whatever they may be.
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Post by shamwow on Mar 28, 2019 7:29:22 GMT -5
It is an interesting idea that sexless marriages have more fundemental problems abd the lack of sex is a symptom not a cause. My refuser has deeper problems with me and this comes out in her rejection of me. Thus I wear myself out trying to fix a sex problem, instead of fixing the deeper malaise. Once that is fixed, the sex life can heal. The onus returns to me. No. The onus is on both of you. However, you only have control over your own actions and your response to them. And usually, that's not enough to heal things by the time you reach this forum.
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