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Post by solodriver on Mar 24, 2019 15:11:11 GMT -5
I asked my wife today if she remembers the last time we had sex. She said she couldn't even remember. (It was August 2001)
I needed to be alone for awhile after that very short conversation.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 24, 2019 15:28:29 GMT -5
Sounds like both her reply and your knowledge of the date support your decision to divorce.
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Post by baza on Mar 24, 2019 17:54:47 GMT -5
Last root = approx 2,730 odd days ago. Your countdown clock is now at 116 days Brother solodriver .
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 24, 2019 18:21:57 GMT -5
Be thankful. I know that is hard to do!. However,... when you begin to realize this is the way it is. This is the way it is going to remain. This is not my problem, it is hers.
It is beyond time to heal myself. Thank you for confirming my choice. I am making the right choice. I deserve so much more! Here's to new beginnings!
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Post by sadkat on Mar 24, 2019 18:25:48 GMT -5
I had the same conversation with my h a few days ago as we were discussing my intent to separate from him. He told me it’s been 10 years- I told him it was twice that long. He wouldn’t believe me. It’s really a moot point tho- 10 years is still to damn long! I am not upset over it- I’ve disengaged and no longer care to have sex with him. Maybe you can disengage as well so that these kinds of things no longer bother you solodriver. The time is drawing near for you to make an exit. Hang in there!
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Post by solodriver on Mar 24, 2019 20:40:38 GMT -5
One of the problems I'm really struggling with is my resentment of her. But I just wanted and needed to have this conversation with her, as short as it was, about our sex life and how she thinks about it. I got the answer that I suspected I would get, and it was good for me to hear her say that because it confirmed where our relationship stands and that I'm definitely on the right path as my countdown clock continues.
But then follows the resentment that I feel when that happens.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 24, 2019 21:24:58 GMT -5
One of the problems I'm really struggling with is my resentment of her. But I just wanted and needed to have this conversation with her, as short as it was, about our sex life and how she thinks about it. I got the answer that I suspected I would get, and it was good for me to hear her say that because it confirmed where our relationship stands and that I'm definitely on the right path as my countdown clock continues. But then follows the resentment that I feel when that happens. Being resentful is not a bad thing! It's all in how you use it. We all 'resent' some of the choices and mistakes we made in life. We resent people for how they took advantage of our good nature. Nevertheless, it is good. Good for you to hear it, confirm it, and above all, act upon it! Forgiveness does not mean forgetting and allowing yourself to be manipulated and abused! Far from it! Instead you forgive them for they no not what they are doing, they are also hurting themselves, they refuse to be brave enough to get help. Meanwhile you DO NOT FORGET as you move forward and form many new healthy relationships!! ( learn from mistakes) Tribulations = patience=endurance=character=strength=boundaries.
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Post by baza on Mar 24, 2019 21:56:26 GMT -5
One of the problems I'm really struggling with is my resentment of her. But I just wanted and needed to have this conversation with her, as short as it was, about our sex life and how she thinks about it. I got the answer that I suspected I would get, and it was good for me to hear her say that because it confirmed where our relationship stands and that I'm definitely on the right path as my countdown clock continues. But then follows the resentment that I feel when that happens. Resentment in an ILIASM shithole is pretty much unavoidable. And it will, by stealth, kill a marriage stone dead. It is poison. If left unaddressed, it can impinge on your life even after the ILIASM deal has been ended, and that might not be helpful in your single life. Further, it might not be helpful in any future relationship for that matter. This really comes under the heading of "sorting your own shit out".
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Post by solodriver on Mar 25, 2019 0:40:19 GMT -5
One of the problems I'm really struggling with is my resentment of her. But I just wanted and needed to have this conversation with her, as short as it was, about our sex life and how she thinks about it. I got the answer that I suspected I would get, and it was good for me to hear her say that because it confirmed where our relationship stands and that I'm definitely on the right path as my countdown clock continues. But then follows the resentment that I feel when that happens. Resentment in an ILIASM shithole is pretty much unavoidable. And it will, by stealth, kill a marriage stone dead. It is poison. If left unaddressed, it can impinge on your life even after the ILIASM deal has been ended, and that might not be helpful in your single life. Further, it might not be helpful in any future relationship for that matter. This really comes under the heading of "sorting your own shit out". You're absolutely right and I do not want to carry it forward so I don't ruin a chance that might happen, if it ever does. I like what GC wrote and I'm going to try and incorporate it into my thoughts and actions.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 25, 2019 1:01:13 GMT -5
One of the problems I'm really struggling with is my resentment of her. But I just wanted and needed to have this conversation with her, as short as it was, about our sex life and how she thinks about it. I got the answer that I suspected I would get, and it was good for me to hear her say that because it confirmed where our relationship stands and that I'm definitely on the right path as my countdown clock continues. But then follows the resentment that I feel when that happens. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting and allowing yourself to be manipulated and abused! Far from it! Instead you forgive them for they no not what they are doing, they are also hurting themselves, they refuse to be brave enough to get help. Meanwhile you DO NOT FORGET as you move forward and form many new healthy relationships!! ( learn from mistakes) Tribulations = patience=endurance=character=strength=boundaries. Thanks GC, I really needed this now. I'm struggling on how to forgive her knowing that nothing will change our relationship and I desperately need to try and find peace for myself as I get ready to start this exit plan. I guess I also have to figure out how to forgive myself because I feel selfish for what I'm going to do, but I need to allow myself to be loved and give love again, which cannot happen in this marriage. I wanted to so badly and she wouldn't allow it to happen. And now I'm angry that she put me in this position and that anger is pushing me out and I won't feel bad about it when it happens, which is kinda sad for me because I do care about her and love her. But her rejection of me has changed the way I see her and I will never see her again as the woman whom I fell in love with and shared so many wonderful, sexual times with and the history that we put together. But I know there is no future to look forward to and I'm not ready to quit living and loving.
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Post by isthisit on Mar 25, 2019 1:20:36 GMT -5
I understand your perspective solodriver you have described my thinking to a t. One of the reasons I delayed even considering exiting my deal was because I was acutely aware that I loved my H, and desperately wanted to get us back to where we were. I just couldn’t give up on something as wonderful as the relationship we had for a long time. But eventually after enduring much negligence, being taken for granted and of course celibacy I recognised that the marriage we had was irretrievable and that I was thoroughly miserable with what was left. I also feel huge resentment towards H for wasting the wonderful gift of our former relationship, but even more so towards myself for wasting so many years of my life I will never get back. For what it is worth I still love him and I am okay with that now. I love him differently, like a weird sibling is my best description. I have much work to do on myself to sort out my thoughts and feelings in order to regain my emotional equilibrium before I consider a new relationship. It’s a tough journey we are embarking on but it will be worth it for some sense of contentment, whether that is in a relationship or not. Trust yourself.
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Post by saarinista on Mar 25, 2019 2:25:27 GMT -5
solodriver have you found a therapist to bounce things off of? I can't remember.
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Post by lessingham on Mar 25, 2019 4:32:42 GMT -5
That is the hardest, the feeling that if only our partner would agree to a sex life, the marriage would be more than fine
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Post by flashjohn on Mar 25, 2019 15:21:37 GMT -5
After living in a sexual desert for 28 years, I have come to the conclusion that if a spouse refuses sex for 6 months with no medical reason and no efforts to improve, the marriage is already dead and should be put out of its misery.
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Post by warmways on Mar 25, 2019 23:06:09 GMT -5
You’re on the right path. These insights you’re having will create positive change for you. It’s hard but you have so much support here and most importantly as you continue to realize that forging ahead and caring and protecting yourself is necessary, you’ll know what to do and will naturally evolve out of the unhappiness.
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