onlyhuman
Junior Member
Learning to be all right with what I want.
Posts: 30
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Post by onlyhuman on Mar 18, 2019 6:27:05 GMT -5
My wife and I got into an argument last night regarding our youngest son. She thought that I was defending him by not agreeing with everything she said about the situation. I told her that just because I don't agree with EVERYTHING she says, doesn't mean I am against her. She said she knew what this was really about and that I am going to leave her destitute. This hurt me very deeply, as with most everyone on this forum, I simply want my spouse to share themselves as intimate partners. Not just sex, but the love and affection that we crave from those who have vowed to provide such life affirming things. This lead me to be very angry as I thought of all the times she had threatened to leave me in the past, but never would. Leaving her destitute is the last thing I want to do. It is the reason I have been slow in planning and implementing an exit plan. I want our financial situation to be better, not just for me, but for her as well, when we split. Angry because she is the one who, twenty years ago, insisted that I go back and finish my degree so that we could have a better life together. She is the one who made that a condition of our future together. I just wanted to be with her and share our love and life together. I have an appointment with an attorney on April 2nd for an initial consultation regarding a divorce. I know that I will need an attorney to stand up for me, as I want things to be as equitable as possible in the divorce, and I might sacrifice too much. I was uncertain how my wife would react to the idea of a divorce before last night. I am relieved to have that answer. It seems to me that she is going to try to get as much out of the divorce, financially, as she can. She is operating from a position of fear that she will be left destitute. Or is that just a manipulation technique on her part?
I apologize if this thread is not in the right subject area, please feel free to move it if necessary. Just needed to get this off of my chest.
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Post by baza on Mar 18, 2019 7:34:55 GMT -5
After you see your lawyer on April 2 you will have some idea of how a divorce would shake out for you. If you are in a no fault jurisdiction, you would both get your right whack out of the divisible assets. That your missus would like to maximise her whack of the divisible assets is neither here nor there in a no fault jurisdiction. What she (or you) might *like* won't have much effect on the outcome. See what your lawyer says Brother onlyhuman . It's only 15 days away. Not much point in worrying too much about your missus' motivations at this point.
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Post by workingonit on Mar 18, 2019 8:56:22 GMT -5
I am not quite where you are but I have been surprised by the ways my h has reacted to divorce conversations. He is in the middle of his degree and gets borderline panic attacks when he thinks of divorcing before he is done. I see the way he will grab at everything he can. I never thought he would be like that as of course I want both of us to be ok financially on the other side. I can see he doesn't believe that. It is very painful.
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onlyhuman
Junior Member
Learning to be all right with what I want.
Posts: 30
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Post by onlyhuman on Mar 20, 2019 23:36:25 GMT -5
I've been thinking all week that she doesn't want to be left "destitute" in the economical sense, but doesn't mind me being destitute in the emotional and intimate sense. ☹️
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Post by choosinghappy on Mar 21, 2019 7:33:23 GMT -5
I've been thinking all week that she doesn't want to be left "destitute" in the economical sense, but doesn't mind me being destitute in the emotional and intimate sense. ☹️ This is a hard truth to confront but a good one to help you get clarity. I’ve seen again and again through this site that the refused in SMs tend to be caring givers. This proves that once again. You are concerned about not leaving her destitute and not even wanting her to worry about that, while she has no concern about the pain she’s caused you over the years. It’s a shitty position to be in. But we’ve all either been there too or are still there.
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Post by shamwow on Mar 21, 2019 9:51:24 GMT -5
If you split things equally and she is "destitute" wouldn't that make you destitute too?
From you post, we are talking about a split of assets, right? If it were splitting a negative net worth then she may be destitute. But not if splitting net assets.
You will both need to make lifestyle changes. Would I be correct that your ex doesn't work? She may have to make more adjustments in that regard than you if that is the case. She will have to get a job to support herself.
But she did bring this upon herself. Just keep remembering this when she talks of being destitute.
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Post by flashjohn on Mar 21, 2019 10:09:21 GMT -5
It seems to me that she is going to try to get as much out of the divorce, financially, as she can. She is operating from a position of fear that she will be left destitute. Or is that just a manipulation technique on her part? Of course she will try to get as much out of the divorce as she possibly can. Refusers are by nature very selfish people, and this is how they operate all the time. This is why you need an attorney. I knew that my refuser would do her best to manipulate me as much as she possibly could and that I was very susceptible to her manipulation. So when I moved out, I stopped all contact and let my attorney handle things.
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onlyhuman
Junior Member
Learning to be all right with what I want.
Posts: 30
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Post by onlyhuman on Mar 21, 2019 14:28:22 GMT -5
If you split things equally and she is "destitute" wouldn't that make you destitute too? From you post, we are talking about a split of assets, right? If it were splitting a negative net worth then she may be destitute. But not if splitting net assets. You will both need to make lifestyle changes. Would I be correct that your ex doesn't work? She may have to make more adjustments in that regard than you if that is the case. She will have to get a job to support herself. But she did bring this upon herself. Just keep remembering this when she talks of being destitute. We currently have a net negative worth that should be resolved in the coming year as my recently deceased mother's estate is settled. I do want to settle things as equitably as possible, if not a bit in her favor (which is why I know I need an attorney to protect my interests as I have been easily manipulated all these years). I know that I can manage to get by with less if I have to, much more easily than she can. We do both work, but I make a little more than four times what she does. She is also a little more than a decade my senior, so she is closer to retiring than I am, and I know that is a concern of hers. What really bothers me is that she thinks that I am so uncaring about her well being, that I would leave her destitute. 😠
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 21, 2019 14:57:52 GMT -5
In my state, inheritance money is not part of divorce settlements. However, in marriages of at least 10 years, assets and debts are split 50:50, it would be wise to consult a lawyer before using your inheritance to pay off debts or commingling that money with joint funds.
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onlyhuman
Junior Member
Learning to be all right with what I want.
Posts: 30
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Post by onlyhuman on Mar 21, 2019 15:02:47 GMT -5
In my state, inheritance money is not part of divorce settlements. However, in marriages of at least 10 years, assets and debts are split 50:50, it would be wise to consult a lawyer before using your inheritance to pay off debts or commingling that money with joint funds. I have a consultation with an attorney on April 2. This is one of the topics I must discuss at that time. I truly am, at this point, looking for the best way for both of us to come out the other side of a divorce in the best possible scenario. Of course, if it turns ugly (and I won't be surprised if it does), I want to be ready to fight for what is rightfully mine.
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Post by shamwow on Mar 21, 2019 17:05:28 GMT -5
In my state, inheritance money is not part of divorce settlements. However, in marriages of at least 10 years, assets and debts are split 50:50, it would be wise to consult a lawyer before using your inheritance to pay off debts or commingling that money with joint funds. I have a consultation with an attorney on April 2. This is one of the topics I must discuss at that time. I truly am, at this point, looking for the best way for both of us to come out the other side of a divorce in the best possible scenario. Of course, if it turns ugly (and I won't be surprised if it does), I want to be ready to fight for what is rightfully mine. I'm sorry about your mother. With that being said, to cover your bases, set up a separate account in your name and put any inheritance money into that account. I'd set up the account now. Stick 25 bucks in it or so. You can decide to be generous later, and you may find that you can use that carrot as a stick if she gets nasty. That worked for me very well. But do NOT co-mingle the funds. Sadly, many people meet their true spouse for the first time during divorce proceedings. It can be shocking how quickly they can change. It sounds like she's gearing up for battle. It also sounds as though you are easily manipulated (not unusual in your circumstance). You do, however, seem aware of it (this is unusual - and good). You might want to memorize the words "you'll need to talk to (insert lawyer name here)". I suspect you may need them often.
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onlyhuman
Junior Member
Learning to be all right with what I want.
Posts: 30
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Post by onlyhuman on Mar 22, 2019 13:30:59 GMT -5
So as we finished up our lunch at a new Asian restaurant of her choosing, I moved to sit next to my wife instead of across from her. Naturally, she asked what I was doing, and I told her that I wanted to be closer. Then, she asked if there was anywhere else I needed to go (we were running errands this morning). I leaned over and whispered in her ear, "I need to go deep inside of you…" And followed that with, "But I don't feel welcomed there."
And her response? NOTHING!!!
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 22, 2019 13:57:18 GMT -5
“as we finished up our lunch at a new Asian restaurant of her choosing, I moved to sit next to my wife instead of across from her. Naturally, she asked what I was doing, and I told her that I wanted to be closer. Then, she asked if there was anywhere else I needed to go (we were running errands this morning). I leaned over and whispered in her ear, "I need to go deep inside of you…" And followed that with, "But I don't feel welcomed there."
And her response? NOTHING!!!”
Her response of silence was a very clear response that she had no interest in sexual or emotional closeness with you. Listen to her and plan your life accordingly.
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Post by worksforme2 on Mar 22, 2019 14:07:46 GMT -5
So as we finished up our lunch at a new Asian restaurant of her choosing, I moved to sit next to my wife instead of across from her. Naturally, she asked what I was doing, and I told her that I wanted to be closer. Then, she asked if there was anywhere else I needed to go (we were running errands this morning). I leaned over and whispered in her ear, "I need to go deep inside of you…" And followed that with, "But I don't feel welcomed there." And her response? NOTHING!!! Damn dude, NOTHING...I have to go along with NSM on this. She gave you a pretty clear response. Sometimes silence says more than a paragraph of words.
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Post by flashjohn on Mar 22, 2019 16:33:38 GMT -5
What really bothers me is that she thinks that I am so uncaring about her well being, that I would leave her destitute. 😠 My friend, you need to get to the point that you no longer care about what she thinks of you. She obviously does not give a shit about you, and it is time you stopped pouring money down a dry hole (A West Texas saying). Maybe you should consider the fact that she does not consider losing you a problem, but she really cares about losing money. It really says a lot about her priorities.
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