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Post by Handy on Mar 28, 2019 18:58:41 GMT -5
firefollower, a long time ago I thought my W was just doing things that upset me and not her. I wanted to understand how the other side thought so I read and read, then bought relationship books and read relationship forums some more.
What i eventually discovered, no matter man or woman, most feelings are similar to a degree. Women have some different issues and fears than men but if you consider babies all form from some basic building blocks/cells, maybe the differences are not so widely different.
Men and women or boys and girls shortly after conception have most of the same parts, some parts develop a little differently based on the chemicals that effect the fetus. Look up how many similar parts on babies develop slightly different. Man boobs vs women boobs. Clit vs penis, scrotum vs labia. The idea that in some religious or cultural settings about which gender kid is more valuable becomes so redicilous once a person considers how hormones and a Y or X chromosome only makes a marginal difference, you have come conclude most things are the same for a men or a woman.
The difference is more about individuality.
It has taken me 15 years to come to my opinions. BTW, I like, really like some of the differences, they give me a woodie sometimes. Of course that is mostly to do with biology and not so much of my doings.
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firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by firefollower on Mar 28, 2019 21:31:50 GMT -5
firefollower, a long time ago I thought my W was just doing things that upset me and not her. I wanted to understand how the other side thought so I read and read, then bought relationship books and read relationship forums some more. What i eventually discovered, no matter man or woman, most feelings are similar to a degree. Women have some different issues and fears than men but if you consider babies all form from some basic building blocks/cells, maybe the differences are not so widely different. Men and women or boys and girls shortly after conception have most of the same parts, some parts develop a little differently based on the chemicals that effect the fetus. Look up how many similar parts on babies develop slightly different. Man boobs vs women boobs. Clit vs penis, scrotum vs labia. The idea that in some religious or cultural settings about which gender kid is more valuable becomes so redicilous once a person considers how hormones and a Y or X chromosome only makes a marginal difference, you have come conclude most things are the same for a men or a woman. The difference is more about individuality. It has taken me 15 years to come to my opinions. BTW, I like, really like some of the differences, they give me a woodie sometimes. Of course that is mostly to do with biology and not so much of my doings. Thanks for the insights Handy...I continue to learn something new everyday. I posted on another thread about our most common refuser statement...my W's is...."I don't see what the big deal is...it's just sex". This statement made me think that she doesn't see it as anything more than a passing activity...take it or leave it...I guess we all have different experiences.
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Post by Handy on Mar 29, 2019 2:30:16 GMT -5
Firefollower .my W's is...."I don't see what the big deal is...it's just sex".So maybe she is just low drive and borders on being asexual. That is OK. The problem is you and her are not matched sexually. There may never be a match between you two, then what are you going to do? I just try to do things outside of home. That is what I do now.
It is a poor second choice until I find something more suitable or just say enough already.
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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 13, 2019 14:19:45 GMT -5
@ firefighter the worse part is our sex life was good and frequent our sitting on the couch snuggling kind of wound down when the kids got to be school aged. I will admit I used sex to get the attention I wanted. Then he discovered porn and got addicted . We not only didn't have sex he didn't eat with the family we didn't go to bed together. The kids and I only seen the back of his head for years. I was very verbal he knew how unhappy I was. I even made him a cassette of lonely women songs. I warned him when I quit yelling I was done. That's when he panicked and cut back his porn time to go to bed with me. We didn't have sex because he already took care of that. He devastated me emotionally. I'm sorry doesn't fix that. We had no affection, intamacy or relationship to speak of. I've been out since June of 2017 he still emails me saying he didn't realize I was so unhappy. Ughhh Wow just wow. I really feel fof you and get now why you understand what its like to live with porn addiction.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 1, 2019 17:26:15 GMT -5
Yep I got to that point too. I preferred he was anywhere else doing anything else. He could screw a friend in our bed I wouldn't of cared. I got to the point we were visiting my sister and the bed was only a full size and it dipped in the middle. I slept holding onto the frame on my side. I changed with the door locked. That's how you know it's over. And he STILL can't understand why I can't try again. Funny, I wished my wife had an AP.
But then it might hit me the wrong way and make me question myself sexually. But I also think that what goes on outside the sex is as or more important because it contributes to the sex being positive or negative (or in SM - zero)
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Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 7, 2019 23:24:55 GMT -5
I gave up on things changing a few years ago. She has not wanted me to touch her in the bedroom for so long and now when she wants me to touch her platonically, usually in public, it just feels hipocritical to me. So now, we don't hold hands, no pecks on the checks, no hugs goodbye, etc. She kept trying for a while because she liked the platonic touching but she finally got the hint that I'm not open to that anymore.
She now has a health condition that gives her a lot of back pain. She often asks the kids to rub her back since it seems to help. She has asked me too. I did a few times but touching her at all now just makes my skin crawl. Every time I touch her it reminds me of thousands of times that she rejected me. I bought a pretty hefty duty back massager. So now if she asks for me to rub her back, I use it so I don't have to touch her. Part of me feels guilty because she is legitimately in pain. But another part of me feels this is part of the relationship she pushed away when she rejected my touch.
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 8, 2019 11:09:11 GMT -5
Thanks for the insights Handy...I continue to learn something new everyday. I posted on another thread about our most common refuser statement...my W's is...."I don't see what the big deal is...it's just sex". This statement made me think that she doesn't see it as anything more than a passing activity...take it or leave it...I guess we all have different experiences. As a single man, before and after marriage, I've said "yes" to "why not?" sex when I wasn't particularly into it because I was tired, or not horny, or whatever. I think most of us do. That's when it's no big deal. In her case though, "it's no big deal" except it is worth daring you to end the marriage over, and all the consequences of that. It's worth hurting you. It's worth overriding her own sex drive to avoid having sex with someone she doesn't want it with. It's unlikely she's being truthful even with herself about this. It IS a big deal to avoid sex. It's worth risking everything - it's legit important to her. The end of a marriage and loss of love is an acceptable risk to manage in comparison.
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