Post by MarianCali on Mar 14, 2019 12:12:43 GMT -5
My marriage has done a complete 180 and it scares me. I told my H about my dalliances (I have no idea why) in a very harsh way and it has broke him, yet made him realize how bad it was for me. We have now been spending quality time together, talking more than ever, having a lot of sex (I guess making up for lost time) and finally going to therapy. He is becoming a new man in the process. One I don't even know. He wants to try to make it work and has been very attentive and understanding. I'm just afraid it may be to late. We are reconnecting again and its nice but my feelings have been shut down for so long that I'm afraid I can't love him like my H anymore. We've been living like roommates for soooo long that I subconsciously put up walls to protect myself. I hope I can let him in again. I hope its not too late. My kids are now seeing what a loving relationship is supposed to be. When we have held hands or hugged recently they have literally come between us. I now know and feel that my H truly loves me. Something that I knew before but hadn't felt is a long time. Any advice? It's only been a couple weeks so its still new but it feels real.
Congratulations! I would say stay in therapy and give yourself time to sort out your true feelings. Also, give it enough time to make sure that you're not just the victim of a reset. Maybe you will be able to break down the walls you put up and maybe not, but time in therapy will help you figure that out.
Called the W out for her reset attempt and as expected, her changes were temporary. Not surprised.
Post by northstarmom on Mar 14, 2019 13:07:41 GMT -5
You will see if it's real if he goes to therapy with you and does what the therapist suggests. You also will see if it's real if your h's behavior continues beyond just a few months. My belief is that one can't argue, threaten or cajole someone into loving and lusting after you if they simply don't. They may be able to fake it for a while, but they won't be able to fake it for long. People who really lust after you have to fight themselves not to touch you, not to make love to you. They don't need you to beg them to do these things. us,
Thus, if his behavior changes, don't accept his excuses that he is sick, stressed, etc. Realize he has reverted to his true self, and then make your decisions about your marriage based on that truth.
You'll see soon enough how sustainable this is Sister MarianCali .
Personally, I think it looks like re-set sex, and if that's so this revived sexual activity will peter out pretty soon.
Anyway, time will tell.
It would still be smart (as mentioned several times before) for you to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you, to put together an exit strategy, to shore up your support network, and research everything you can find about helping your kids transition through such a situation. It won't hurt to have such a plan in your pocket. It wouldn't have hurt to have had this plan in your pocket before you let the cheating cat out of the bag either.
I hope this all turns out as you'd like it to Sister MarianCali .
You mention that your feelings have been shut down so long that you don’t know if they’ll ever be the same. I hope for your sake that they can...if it’s what you really want. I’m so used to the bait and switch tactic that I no longer trust my roommate with my feelings any more than I’d trust a rabid dog not to attack me. That, in turn, makes me no longer feel the way I did when it was okay or even while I was “why” chasing. He has literally killed most if not all of the love I had for him, which was huge. And I don’t hate him, I’m just indifferent. I don’t believe indifference can be turned around. I do believe hate can be turned around bc at least then you’re still feeling something. Have you hit indifference?
The only experience I have of this in my friends circle was well beyond your situation, they were married 25 years, since early 20 year olds, they split, kids were all late teens, he had vanished around the world to "find himself" (no idea what that is to be honest), but all the same. He is my mate ... when he came back 18 months later they were like two loved up teenagers for about 6 months. I was wary and I told him so gently and with support where I could. Then he phoned me late one night and let's just say things had taken a major turn for the worse. Far to much to put on here.
I really do hope your situation continue to grow and develop. I think it sounds like you are communicating well and indeed maybe experiencing the things you never did before in terms of developments of a loving relationship. Well done.
Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 16, 2019 16:01:34 GMT -5
Always a good thing when a marriage can be saved. Hopefully you told him about the walls and that it will take time. You waited on him he can wait on you. I would say if you are able to enjoy sex with him its not too late Mine waited through all the years of exit plan, walls built so high I couldn't get over it with a plane when I finally made the announcement he wanted to turn it around. I had nothing to give. Best of luck!
Post by MarianCali on Mar 18, 2019 15:26:50 GMT -5
Thank you for your responses. Yes, time will tell. We have discovered the whys. I guess everything stems back to our upbringing. Why I stayed so long and why he cut me out/off for so long. Our actions/or lack of are all subconscious defense mechanism to protect our feelings. I should've/could've left years ago but stayed and I won't be putting a time limit on it but I'm seeing the effort he's actually putting in and I'm starting to feel again. It feels nice.
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