|
Post by shamwow on Mar 19, 2019 21:00:16 GMT -5
I think it’s rarely a good idea to tell potential partners you are in a sm. When I was young and single, married men told me that. I assumed they were either lying, bad in bed or lacked the balls to leave a bad marriage. I saw no reason to be involved with them. Until we had been in a relationship for about 6 months, i didn’t tell my partner of 6 years that my my marriage had been sexless for years. I didn’t want him to think I was desperate or that there was something sexually unappealing about me. LOL! The first PM I sent ballofconfusion was entitled "similar situation" I let her know while introducing myself. That being said, your policy is wise if meeting through more, uh, conventional means.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Mar 19, 2019 23:54:42 GMT -5
I was totally opposed to cheating, until life slapped me upside the head and made me realize that I am starving and dying inside.
Is extramarital sex the best of all possible worlds? Not by a long shot.
But while the old me would have judged anyone who had it, the new me does not. I don't think it's a good idea to just go screw around casually when you're married for a lot of reasons, but a considered, discreet affair, outsourcing, whatever you want to call it, can sometimes be a reasonable thing, I now believe.
Of course it can blow up in your face. So can years of emotional and sexual repression. Then one day you realize you are closer to the end of your life than the beginning, and your body and soul are silently screaming for succor, and you feed the hunger, because you are a human with needs and finite self control and an opportunity presented itself and you took it.
I don't think any of us should beat ourselves up if we mindfully end up grasping one of those opportunities. Again, I think one should be selective and careful-I haven't done anything hands on to meet my needs-but if an opportunity presents itself, I might just bite. Figuratively speaking, of course.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Mar 20, 2019 0:03:16 GMT -5
Outsourcing isn't really part of who I am. Even if it's completely irrelevant to the world, the "moral high ground" matters to me. I won't lie and say I couldn't ever fall into it though. I know that if I were in such a position, I would have a very hard time maintaining my resolve and resisting a woman's determined advances. As a result, I avoid all such potential situations where any kind of flirting could take place. It's easier to just avoid having to say no than actually saying no. Outsourcing isn't really part of who you have been or who you are right now. Who knows what the future, holds, though? One of the few things that keeps me going is the hope that I will someday be less miserable than I am now-again, with the caveat that I am in many ways blessed-it's so important to keep everything in perspective in today's violent, crazy world. Only change will make things happier, though. h Your change may come through a renewed sexual relationship with your wife-or it may not. Regardless, do not isolate yourself. That doesn't mean you have to have business meetings in hotel rooms in a bathrobe, but don't avoid all contact with other women. That's my take anyway.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Mar 20, 2019 0:10:00 GMT -5
There Are many many things about which I have altered my thinking over the years. Things like cheating / divorce / politics / religion / global warming / abortion .... and the list goes on and on.
Many of my beliefs / core values were just about all emotion driven positions or inherited from my environment.
And, when put to objective analysis, that is to say examined on the known facts, many of my views did not stand up too well.
It was bloody hard to take - that some things I had thought 'forever' - were not necessarily so.
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Mar 20, 2019 9:40:20 GMT -5
The "moral highground" is illusionary in my opinion. I am pretty sure Brother ironhamster cheated, I am pretty sure that Brother endthegame didn't. And they both seem like pretty good ethical sorts of blokes to me...without one having a more *right* position than the other. Personally I don't think any less (or more) of either of the esteemed Brothers. They made their (different) choices, then owned their choice and lived their choice - and that, I have tremendous respect for. I agree, and don't quite understand it now that I'm out. That "moral high ground" was kind of my way of saying to myself "well I'm stuck in this shit sandwich of a situation but I'm doing the right thing so I'm the better person". That thinking kept me in a shithole for 20 years. Now that I'm out I realize I should have left WAY earlier. Still glad I didn't cheat but that's more for practical reasons - the anxiety I know I would have had wasn't worth it.
|
|
|
Post by flashjohn on Mar 20, 2019 15:31:27 GMT -5
I was totally opposed to cheating, until life slapped me upside the head and made me realize that I am starving and dying inside. Is extramarital sex the best of all possible worlds? Not by a long shot. But while the old me would have judged anyone who had it, the new me does not. I don't think it's a good idea to just go screw around casually when you're married for a lot of reasons, but a considered, discreet affair, outsourcing, whatever you want to call it, can sometimes be a reasonable thing, I now believe. Of course it can blow up in your face. So can years of emotional and sexual repression. Then one day you realize you are closer to the end of your life than the beginning, and your body and soul are silently screaming for succor, and you feed the hunger, because you are a human with needs and finite self control and an opportunity presented itself and you took it. I don't think any of us should beat ourselves up if we mindfully end up grasping one of those opportunities. Again, I think one should be selective and careful-I haven't done anything hands on to meet my needs-but if an opportunity presents itself, I might just bite. Figuratively speaking, of course. I thought I would NEVER consider outsourcing until my refuser, after imposing celibacy on me for 2.5 years, looked me directly in the eye and said this, "It doesn't matter because your penis doesn't work anymore anyway." I decided that I needed a second opinion.
BTW, she was very much mistaken.
|
|
|
Post by flashjohn on Mar 20, 2019 15:42:44 GMT -5
If you are looking to "step out" and get your sex elsewhere you need to be careful not to mention you are in as sexless marriage until AFTER you have had your first sexual encounter. It may be OK for women to talk about it with a would-be sex partner but definitely not men. Why? Because women will think you are telling them this so they will give you "mercy sex" and more likely than not they will not believe you. Sexless marriage is such a strange concept to most people that it is better not to mention it right off the bat. I told every outsourcing partner that I was in a SM. None of them seemed to mind.
|
|
|
Post by dannyc on Mar 20, 2019 17:04:47 GMT -5
Flirting has it's good and bad sides. On the one hand if someone shows interest you feel good and can think that "maybe I still got it" On the other hand you can also get soundly rejected because you are in your 50's or 60's and you definitely no longer have "it"
|
|
|
Post by dannyc on Mar 20, 2019 17:09:09 GMT -5
I told every outsourcing partner that I was in a SM. None of them seemed to mind. I have never told any woman I was trying to bed that I am in a sexless marriage because I HAVE told a couple of female friends over the years and neither believed me. "Nice try" is the usual comment I get.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Mar 20, 2019 21:00:25 GMT -5
I thought I would NEVER consider outsourcing until my refuser, after imposing celibacy on me for 2.5 years, looked me directly in the eye and said this, "It doesn't matter because your penis doesn't work anymore anyway." I decided that I needed a second opinion.
BTW, she was very much mistaken.
It's difficult in a way to imagine anyone making such at brutal remark, no matter the situation. I don't blame you a bit for getting the opinion. The difficulty for me if my husband made a similarly brutal remark would be that I could get stuck in being angry at him. But he hasn't said anything like that, although he talks about sex in general anymore as if it's the ruination of humankind. Anyway, hopefully you aren't stuck in anger at your wife and you're somehow moving on. I can't remember your situation because I'm watching March Madness at the moment.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Mar 20, 2019 21:07:09 GMT -5
I told every outsourcing partner that I was in a SM. None of them seemed to mind. I have never told any woman I was trying to bed that I am in a sexless marriage because I HAVE told a couple of female friends over the years and neither believed me. "Nice try" is the usual comment I get. I think the right thing to do varies. I wouldn't walk up to someone at a bar and say, "Hey, my husband and I haven't done it for X number of years. Would you like to fill in for him?" first thing. On the other hand, at some point, unless its a total one night stand, I don't think being in a SM is anything to lie about in most cases. If people can't handle the truth, they probably aren't very woke and maybe not the type of person who deserves our time. Basically, your female friends are calling you a liar or a manipulator. That's not polite or cool.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Mar 20, 2019 21:13:03 GMT -5
Flashjohn said: “I have never told any woman I was trying to bed that I am in a sexless marriage because I HAVE told a couple of female friends over the years and neither believed me. "Nice try" is the usual comment I get.”
They say that because, “my wife and I don’t have sex” is what many married men say in attempts to get laid. My mom even warned me about that when I was young. She told me about a man who used that as his pickup line then his wife and mistress ended up pregnant at the same time.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Mar 20, 2019 21:43:05 GMT -5
Flashjohn said: “I have never told any woman I was trying to bed that I am in a sexless marriage because I HAVE told a couple of female friends over the years and neither believed me. "Nice try" is the usual comment I get.” They say that because, “my wife and I don’t have sex” is what many married men say in attempts to get laid. My mom even warned me about that when I was young. She told me about a man who used that as his pickup line then his wife and mistress ended up pregnant at the same time. That could actually happen. I was in a band my ex's last year in grad school. Our lead singer was a knock-out, a brunette with a crystal clear voice and many other nice features. I found myself both fantasizing about her and being intentionally avoidant. If she had caught me at a weak moment it would not have taken much to get me to do something I would have regretted, and perhaps ended up with two kids the same age. I never opened up to her about my situation, obviously. .. come to think of it, nah. I am wrong. If I started analyzing my shitshow at home instead of coping with it, I would have figured out how to end the marriage first. The line was most likely BS for sympathy.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Mar 20, 2019 22:01:01 GMT -5
I don't know. I guess I believe in honesty. I hate game playing. If you're going to have extramarital sex, you really don't know what you're getting into. However, I would not think less of a man who said he wasn't getting sex at home just because he revealed it, nor would I assume he was lying. If sex turned into something more like a relationship, I guess I would worry more about whether he was being truthful or lying, but regardless, I would not assume that someone purporting to be in a sexless marriage was either lying or a loser, because I'm in a sexless marriage and I'm not lying, nor am I bad in bed (as I recall.....)
It continues to amaze me how many people fail to use contraception in risky situations.
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Mar 20, 2019 22:29:48 GMT -5
I remember the 1st person I told about my SM. I had met her on POF and after a few e-mails and phone conversations we decided to meet for brunch. A few days later we met at a local winery after church and had great chemistry. She was recently widowed and as I expressed my condolences she said "it's OK, we hadn't been husband and wife for a long time". She went on to tell me of living in a SM for years. After her reveal I did the same regarding my SM. Then we really talked in depth. I walked her to her car and we kissed. We dated for a month or so before ending up in my bed. She was the 1st person I had met after leaving the marriage. Ironic that we had both been in SM's.
Full disclosure: She had the best breasts imaginable for a 62 yr. old woman. A pair of 34C's that had almost no sag at all. Boy was I pleasantly surprised when those girls came out to greet me.
|
|