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Post by isthisit on Mar 12, 2019 10:27:06 GMT -5
I am aware of several members of this community who are currently wondering how much longer they can endure their deal, so I thought it might be useful to some to share my journey so far. Of course, every set of circumstances are unique and my deal seems to be similar in many ways to the majority and quite different in others. Eight weeks ago I told my H of 21 years that I could not be his wife any longer. He was devastated and remains so. He has been unable to return to work. As you will imagine we have had many conversations about how we arrived where we are (at last he is 'why' chasing) and he is now accepting that he has been spectacularly negligent for the majority of our marriage. Unexpectedly he has now disclosed that he has fancied the pants off me every day of our relationship and that I have been a 'perfect wife in every way'. Would have been nice to hear that some time ago. The only bone of contention is that it seems that I am thoroughly mistaken about the absence of affection, intimacy and sex in our marriage. It seems that we were at it like nine pins and this has slipped my mind. It didn't seem worth the fight, as establishing the facts here achieves nothing at all that is worthwhile. Telling the children was a very hard moment. Both are teens and were upset and disappointed but neither were surprised that it was happening, just that it is happening now. We have decided to remain in our current home for a year to provide some stability for them during important exams next year (H works away for the majority of the time so this makes life easier). Both children are talking about the situation, going to school, seeing their friends and managing. Both shared with me a day or two later that they were unaware of how unhappy I had become and that I have made a difficult but good decision to improve my lot in life. They hated the idea that mum was unhappy and I have never been more proud of them. While all parents would aim to avoid these circumstances, I do feel that my kids have learnt a life lesson that if they ever find themselves in an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship they have a responsibility to themselves to act because it is not the end of the world. Pity it took me so long to realise. The rest of the world are slowly becoming aware of my change of circumstances. I relish my privacy and this has been trying, but not overwhelmingly difficult and a five minute wonder I'm sure. The stupidity of some people's reactions has been eye opening though. So in summary, it is absolutely horrible and there are days when I feel a mess. But, is this the toughest time of my life? Nowhere near it. Is it the hardest thing I have ever done? Nowhere near it. I have no clear idea of what the future holds, but I do know it doesn't look like my past, and that gives me comfort every day.
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Post by sadkat on Mar 12, 2019 13:45:11 GMT -5
Thank you, @thisisit. I needed this today. I finally told my son this last weekend. It did not go well and I’m dealing with the fallout from that. It has not affected my decision to leave but I do find myself wishing I hadn’t told him yet. There is no good time, I know. It’s been an incredibly tough journey but, as you said, it is not the most horrible period of my life, either.
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Post by ragdoll on Mar 12, 2019 14:57:26 GMT -5
I guess there's never the right time to make the decision or to talk about it, maybe there were some things we had to learn before taking that big step. Maybe it's now when we were ready to face what's ahead us.
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Post by baza on Mar 12, 2019 18:20:48 GMT -5
Kids are pretty resilient Sister isthisit . And if you've done a reasonable parenting job you will have already shown them that sometimes life delivers a big shit sandwich - to everyone - that has to be dealt with. Looks to me like the parenting you have done up to this tumultuous event has been really good, and that's going to help enormously as they negotiate their individual ways through this process. The relationships between you and your kids individually is highly likely to be greatly enhanced in the longer term - though things might possibly get a bit shaky short term. You've done well.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 12, 2019 20:42:40 GMT -5
It really disgusts me to keep hearing how our "refusers" are so shocked and devastated when the announcement is made that we have had enough and are leaving our marriages. They didn't give a shit when we discussed with them over many years and told them how unhappy we were and what we needed from them. It didn't bother them when so many nights we cried ourselves to sleep from the deep hurt and pain from their rejection, REJECTED BY THE ONE PERSON WHO PROMISED TO LOVE, HONOR AND CHERISH US!!!!!
And then they have the nerve to cry and be shocked and beg for another chance and promises, blah, blah, blah!
I know my "refuser" will be shocked and cry and fall apart when it comes time for "The Talk". And you know why? Because she can't do things the way she's being doing them anymore. I don't believe it's because she "loves" me. Too damn late for that.
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Post by worksforme2 on Mar 12, 2019 21:17:26 GMT -5
My X was surprised and tearful when she realized I was serious and actually divorcing her. I was surprised that she was surprised. When she stated she "never thought she would be divorced a 2nd time my response was "didn't you believe me when I repeatedly said how unhappy I was? Didn't you believe me when I said I could not continue in the marriage with things the way they were"? But her tears weren't for the loss of a spouse or marriage, they were for the financial hit she was taking. She would not be getting 1/2 of everything. I actually could have gotten a better deal if I have been interested in financial gain. But all I wanted was out. She never once said she regretted her actions or behavior.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 12, 2019 21:58:55 GMT -5
BTW I'm not disgusted by the members sharing their stories, I'm disgusted by the refuser's reactions. It never ceases to amaze me just how selfish they really are.
What's really truly sad is that at one time they may not have been that way with us.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 12, 2019 22:03:23 GMT -5
isthisit you are on your way to a better future. I hope that you find someone whom you can give and receive those things you truly desire and deserve. You now have the HOPE that you wouldn't have had in your SM.
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Post by isthisit on Mar 13, 2019 2:35:50 GMT -5
Thank you, @thisisit. I needed this today. I finally told my son this last weekend. It did not go well and I’m dealing with the fallout from that. It has not affected my decision to leave but I do find myself wishing I hadn’t told him yet. There is no good time, I know. It’s been an incredibly tough journey but, as you said, it is not the most horrible period of my life, either. I’m sorry to hear that your conversation didn’t go well sadkat . Perhaps he needs a little time to process the information? My kids were a bit numb when I told them, it took a day or two for them to individually come back to me and tell me that they were distressed about my unhappiness and provide that support. Maybe your boy will get there too. Stay strong, because you matter too.
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Post by isthisit on Mar 13, 2019 2:44:09 GMT -5
Thanks solodriver and worksforme2 . I was and remain surprised at the extent and longevity of H’s distress. Part of this it seems is that he knows me well enough to realise that I am decisive and would not have embarked on this course of action if I had not got to the end of my tether and fully intend to see it through to the end. He acknowledges there will be no way back. I asked him recently what I could have done better to get his attention earlier in our relationship as I clearly didn’t come close to getting through. His response was that it was on him, explaining that when I began these conversations he identified the subject matter as unwelcome and dangerous, so played possum until I ‘went back to normal’. Completely pathetic. His shit to deal with now.
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Post by isthisit on Mar 13, 2019 2:46:33 GMT -5
isthisit you are on your way to a better future. I hope that you find someone whom you can give and receive those things you truly desire and deserve. You now have the HOPE that you wouldn't have had in your SM. Thanks solodriver I do hope you’re right. I work hard in relationships and it would be great to have that reciprocated. The hope is keeping me afloat right now. I wish you well on your journey too.
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Post by isthisit on Mar 13, 2019 2:51:58 GMT -5
Kids are pretty resilient Sister isthisit . And if you've done a reasonable parenting job you will have already shown them that sometimes life delivers a big shit sandwich - to everyone - that has to be dealt with. Looks to me like the parenting you have done up to this tumultuous event has been really good, and that's going to help enormously as they negotiate their individual ways through this process. The relationships between you and your kids individually is highly likely to be greatly enhanced in the longer term - though things might possibly get a bit shaky short term. You've done well. Thanks baza it’s always lovely to hear your parenting validated. I can’t tell you how proud I was of their maturity and selflessness 😊.
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Post by workingonit on Mar 13, 2019 8:32:49 GMT -5
isthisit we are in a similar-ish SM boat it seems. My h and I have had the talk, he knows I am done. For multiple reasons the actual divorcing cannot happen yet. He was weepy and depressed for roughly 2-3 months. He has seemed better lately although we have not had any meaningful relationship conversations. We have been cohabiting peacefully- still talking and laughing together at times. Still, this in between stage is rough. Hang in there. I firmly believe things will improve at some point!
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Post by isthisit on Mar 13, 2019 8:46:35 GMT -5
isthisit we are in a similar-ish SM boat it seems. My h and I have had the talk, he knows I am done. For multiple reasons the actual divorcing cannot happen yet. He was weepy and depressed for roughly 2-3 months. He has seemed better lately although we have not had any meaningful relationship conversations. We have been cohabiting peacefully- still talking and laughing together at times. Still, this in between stage is rough. Hang in there. I firmly believe things will improve at some point! Thanks, I have been feeling that I am not doing this right at all, as there is no anger or animosity (at the moment), and no, still no lawyers yet. I have been referring to where I am to myself as 'Inbetweenville'. Not my ILIASM deal anymore, but certainly not Oppositeland either. I think Inbetweenville is a town between the two destinations, and I guess we must all pass through (although I have chosen to travel through at a snail's pace). As with you I have the unusual experience of the twin burdens of instigating the split and immediately providing bucketfuls of support. At the moment I am in the middle of baking H's favourite cake to cheer him up. We also cohabit peacefully, which is nice for our children to see, but also openly discussing different options for futures in separate addresses. I guess it's better than acrimony. Be sure to take care of yourself too.
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Post by sadkat on Mar 13, 2019 8:56:57 GMT -5
Thank you, @thisisit. I needed this today. I finally told my son this last weekend. It did not go well and I’m dealing with the fallout from that. It has not affected my decision to leave but I do find myself wishing I hadn’t told him yet. There is no good time, I know. It’s been an incredibly tough journey but, as you said, it is not the most horrible period of my life, either. I’m sorry to hear that your conversation didn’t go well sadkat . Perhaps he needs a little time to process the information? My kids were a bit numb when I told them, it took a day or two for them to individually come back to me and tell me that they were distressed about my unhappiness and provide that support. Maybe your boy will get there too. Stay strong, because you matter too. Thank you @thisisit. A session with my counselor and talking things out with a good friend helped quite a bit. You are right-I do need to give him time to process. It really helps to know I’m not alone in taking this difficult journey.
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