isome
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Posts: 7
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Post by isome on Mar 24, 2019 11:24:29 GMT -5
[/quote] My roommate and I go out of our way to avoid touching, too. I agree with you. It’s just incredibly weird. I work in a tight area, and it’s too a point where accidentally brushing against a coworker doesn’t even require an apology, but at home with the man I married? Let’s make an obscene amount of room to avoid our bodies coming into contact. It’s not normal, and I’m really tired of being weird. [/quote]
I could have written that myself. We are so far apart in intimacy that I change my clothes in the closet, lock the door when I shower, do my own laundry (not his anymore) and eat dinner most nights before I get home.
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Post by smith227 on Mar 25, 2019 8:01:04 GMT -5
My roommate and I go out of our way to avoid touching, too. I agree with you. It’s just incredibly weird. I work in a tight area, and it’s too a point where accidentally brushing against a coworker doesn’t even require an apology, but at home with the man I married? Let’s make an obscene amount of room to avoid our bodies coming into contact. It’s not normal, and I’m really tired of being weird. [/quote] I could have written that myself. We are so far apart in intimacy that I change my clothes in the closet, lock the door when I shower, do my own laundry (not his anymore) and eat dinner most nights before I get home. [/quote] It’s funny you mention eating dinner before you get home. I seriously go out of my way not to eat with my roommate. I’ll eat dinner at 3pm if it means avoiding him while I eat. I don’t know why. He doesn’t do anything in particular that makes eating at the same time as him annoying, I just don’t want to eat with him. I ate dinner in the bedroom on my nightstand last night to avoid him. It’s definitely not normal, but what is anymore?
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Post by twotimesone on Mar 25, 2019 12:58:56 GMT -5
One thing I don't like about my sm marriage is that my W don't even want to snuggle with me. Often times when I outsource, I just want to snuggle and talk. My W often think I am some kind of errand boy in the marriage and do chores for my W.
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Post by h on Mar 25, 2019 13:33:42 GMT -5
I think it's so unfortunate that most men are socialized (I think) that non-sexual touch is unmanly. They may also be concerned about what may be non-sexual touches being misinterpreted as sexual and getting sued or fired, which is also unfortunate. We need to raise all of our children to be more comfortable with appropriate, non-sexual touches. I think this is more of an issue that hurts men than women, who are socialized to hug more. At my job, I have absolutely no physical contact with anyone on almost every day. There are at most, 5 days per year where I shake someone's hand at work. Your assessment is accurate. I actively avoid physical contact with anyone as a mode of self preservation. In my profession, all it takes is an accusation to end a career. Proof isn't needed. If the perception of guilt is enough to impact my interactions with others, even if I haven't actually done anything, my employer can use it as justification to fire me and nobody else would hire me after that. It's a real risk that is very common and I have personally known people who were victims of false accusations who lost their jobs and had to start over in new fields.
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Post by caballotierra on Mar 25, 2019 22:26:47 GMT -5
I started working out with a men's fitness group. We meet 1-3 times a week, do a bunch of outdoor stuff like jumping jacks/running/pushups/etc and end by circling up, arms around each other's shoulders. I didn't realize before this group how unusual it is for men to have physical contact with each other. And definitely not sustained physical contact. Men do tend to not touch each other, which means we are missing out on a big deal of physical affirmation.
I've been going out of my way to make sure I hug my children every day, to touch them and affirm them. Touch is so important.
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Post by rare1ndeed on Mar 27, 2019 16:21:53 GMT -5
Research about the impact of touch deprivation on people in solitary confinement also reflects what many in SMs have experienced. "It's possible to be touch hungry and not even know it—or even to mistake your symptoms for poor mental health. "People who are touch hungry usually present as being depressed individuals," Field says. "They're withdrawn; their voice intonation contour is flat." She adds that people suffering from clinical depression may also often suffer from touch hunger—and this can be seen in an area of the brain called the vagus. "When you massage these people, their depression levels go down and their vagal activity goes up.... "Having studied affection for nearly two decades, however, Floyd believes verbal or written communication is no substitute for physical touch. "There's an immediacy to touch that words don't have. And there are certain health benefits that seem to be more pronounced when affection is expressed through tactile ways." broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/d3gzba/the-life-of-the-skin-hungry-can-you-go-crazy-from-a-lack-of-touch?utm_campaign=sharebutton&fbclid=IwAR2sj9o9qYeBU-eN62FkJ_q_owmWjKf7tlCDJeIwSkfq_xu00id3VRGkWmAWhat's really sad about this article is that I know that this is something I go through in my marriage. My wife laughs at me when I tell her that I feel calm when she simply touches me on my back. It is something she literally cracks up about it then patronizes me.
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firefollower
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Post by firefollower on Mar 27, 2019 16:52:11 GMT -5
Research about the impact of touch deprivation on people in solitary confinement also reflects what many in SMs have experienced. "It's possible to be touch hungry and not even know it—or even to mistake your symptoms for poor mental health. "People who are touch hungry usually present as being depressed individuals," Field says. "They're withdrawn; their voice intonation contour is flat." She adds that people suffering from clinical depression may also often suffer from touch hunger—and this can be seen in an area of the brain called the vagus. "When you massage these people, their depression levels go down and their vagal activity goes up.... "Having studied affection for nearly two decades, however, Floyd believes verbal or written communication is no substitute for physical touch. "There's an immediacy to touch that words don't have. And there are certain health benefits that seem to be more pronounced when affection is expressed through tactile ways." broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/d3gzba/the-life-of-the-skin-hungry-can-you-go-crazy-from-a-lack-of-touch?utm_campaign=sharebutton&fbclid=IwAR2sj9o9qYeBU-eN62FkJ_q_owmWjKf7tlCDJeIwSkfq_xu00id3VRGkWmAWhat's really sad about this article is that I know that this is something I go through in my marriage. My wife laughs at me when I tell her that I feel calm when she simply touches me on my back. It is something she literally cracks up about it then patronizes me. I have experienced this as well...she acts like human touch is discretionary.
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firefollower
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Post by firefollower on Mar 27, 2019 17:01:02 GMT -5
20 years of marriage and I can count on one hand the number of times she has reached out to touch me. When the sex was good and frequent this took the place of that type of intimacy. Now that the sex is gone, there is nothing to fill the void...she tells me..."you know I am not the touchy feely type"...seems to suggest that I am...she suggests that masculine men should not need to be touched...suggest that I am being feminine...or maybe that I am gay for feeling that way....can't win.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 27, 2019 19:45:34 GMT -5
20 years of marriage and I can count on one hand the number of times she has reached out to touch me. When the sex was good and frequent this took the place of that type of intimacy. Now that the sex is gone, there is nothing to fill the void...she tells me..."you know I am not the touchy feely type"...seems to suggest that I am...she suggests that masculine men should not need to be touched...suggest that I am being feminine...or maybe that I am gay for feeling that way....can't win. It gets so down right mind numbing! The curves and way out in left field tactics a refuser will use on you. All these 'double binds' they put you in, It just leads to more why chasing or more confusion that " maybe you ARE WRONG for wanting intimacy, being desired, affection, sex, excitement, or comfort/relaxation from your spouse?" Mine was somewhat the opposite ( but just as confusing). She occasionally liked a good back rub and didn't seem to mind it leading to an almost full body massage. It relaxed her...too much! it 'conveniently' put her to sleep! Leaving me with nothing in return. All taking and no giving. When i politely tried to establish a boundary, telling her, " it would sure be nice if I could get the same in return". She would detach herself. Say nothing, roll over and go to sleep. ( Avoidance) She probably had those same crazy thoughts that I was being feminine. That I love the dog to much, that she doesn't see the need for it. That I Wasn't being a leader by standing up to her and being in charge. Meanwhile she had this attitude of " I want a man that will take the lead, be in charge, but... HE BETTER DO WHAT I TELL HIM TO DO! Another double bind. Fast forward all that to me now being with someone else. My relationship IS still new, however she IS the touchy feely type ( and quite proud of it) and makes sure it is part of our every day, every place, every event routine. In fact, I am now the one who finds myself saying, " um, my daughter is leaving now ,I don't want her seeing you all over me through the window". She understands my concerns and respects my boundaries.
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Post by baza on Mar 27, 2019 20:29:02 GMT -5
I know I keep harping on this Brother greatcoastal , but in relative terms, aren't these great problems you now have compared to the intractible problems of being in an ILIASM shithole.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 27, 2019 21:33:15 GMT -5
rare1indeed said: "What's really sad about this article is that I know that this is something I go through in my marriage. My wife laughs at me when I tell her that I feel calm when she simply touches me on my back. It is something she literally cracks up about it then patronizes me. "
What more evidence do you need to realize that you and your wife are not compatible as spouses?
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Post by Handy on Mar 27, 2019 22:17:55 GMT -5
Greatcoastal She occasionally liked a good back rub and didn't seem to mind it leading to an almost full body massage. It relaxed her...too much! it 'conveniently' put her to sleep! Leaving me with nothing in return. All taking and no giving. When i politely tried to establish a boundary, telling her, " it would sure be nice if I could get the same in return". She would detach herself. Say nothing, roll over and go to sleep. ( Avoidance)
GC, did we marry twins born several years apart? I had this problem/situation too. It relaxed her...too much! it 'conveniently' put her to sleep! My W even said "it is too bad the sex part has to ruins a good back rub."
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 28, 2019 8:32:32 GMT -5
“GC, did we marry twins born several years apart? I had this problem/situation too. It relaxed her...too much! it 'conveniently' put her to sleep! My W even said "it is too bad the sex part has to ruins a good back rub."”
Do you read your words and wonder how and why you chose to stay with someone so selfish?
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Post by workingonit on Mar 28, 2019 10:14:41 GMT -5
20 years of marriage and I can count on one hand the number of times she has reached out to touch me. When the sex was good and frequent this took the place of that type of intimacy. Now that the sex is gone, there is nothing to fill the void...she tells me..."you know I am not the touchy feely type"...seems to suggest that I am...she suggests that masculine men should not need to be touched...suggest that I am being feminine...or maybe that I am gay for feeling that way....can't win. This literally makes me nauseous. My h told me early on that he was not "touchy feely" either (after marriage). He would sometimes make an effort for me but it was always forced and short lived. Honestly this is in so many ways more of a loss than sex. I am a very affectionate person and I am so starved for that casual and essential touch. My best friend is a not-touchy person in her nature. She always jokes that God sent her me and her husband to push her to change because we are both very affectionate and tend to be "all over her". Sometimes she jokes that we should just cuddle without her! She has learned to be ok with touch and even initiate it with her husband. She had to train herself to do it but now it is pretty natural. Proof that people can change if they want to!
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Post by h on Mar 28, 2019 11:00:51 GMT -5
20 years of marriage and I can count on one hand the number of times she has reached out to touch me. When the sex was good and frequent this took the place of that type of intimacy. Now that the sex is gone, there is nothing to fill the void...she tells me..."you know I am not the touchy feely type"...seems to suggest that I am...she suggests that masculine men should not need to be touched...suggest that I am being feminine...or maybe that I am gay for feeling that way....can't win. This literally makes me nauseous. My h told me early on that he was not "touchy feely" either (after marriage). He would sometimes make an effort for me but it was always forced and short lived. Honestly this is in so many ways more of a loss than sex. I am a very affectionate person and I am so starved for that casual and essential touch. My best friend is a not-touchy person in her nature. She always jokes that God sent her me and her husband to push her to change because we are both very affectionate and tend to be "all over her". Sometimes she jokes that we should just cuddle without her! She has learned to be ok with touch and even initiate it with her husband. She had to train herself to do it but now it is pretty natural. Proof that people can change if they want to! This is so different than my W. She is very touchy feely but not in a sexual way. She always wants to hold hands, cuddle on the couch, hug, kiss, and wants me to put my arm around her at night when we go to sleep. She will touch me almost anywhere without prompting. She literally only avoids touching my penis. I think if she were avoidant of all touch, it would be easier for me to deal with. Constant touch with no sex is too frustrating which is why I used this to make my point about how much the lack of sex bothered me. I cut her off from almost all touch.
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