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Post by baza on Mar 3, 2019 20:27:26 GMT -5
The following 10 members were all "Newbies" to the group 2 years ago in March 2017. This is random sample #13. lostheart - last post May 2017 - inactive randy53 - last post Sep 2017 - inactive bridgetb007 - last post Mar 2017 - inactive @livinlifegirl - last post Mar 2017 - inactive amers715 - last post Mar 2017 - inactive jpn - last post Dec 2017 - inactive allworkandnoplay - last post May 2018 - staying frednsa - last post Oct 2018 - staying filigree - last post Mar 2017 - inactive mrlongdryspell - last post Jan 2018 - inactive 8 of them have been inactive for a year or more so we don't know what happened to them 2 of them (according to their last post) are staying 0 of them have left their ILIASM deal 0 of them have had a 'turnaround' Usually, there are 6 or 7 who have gone inactive. This sample has 8. Usually, there are 2 or 3 that are choosing to stay in their ILIASM deal. This sample is pretty typical. Usually, there are 1 or 2 who have left their ILIASM deal. This sample has none. Usually there are no examples of a 'turnaround' having taken place. That's the case in this sample too.
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Post by jim44444 on Mar 3, 2019 20:37:46 GMT -5
I find it curious that many join this forum (and others) but never participate. Were they just bored that day? Or maybe looking for some wanking material.
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Post by baza on Mar 3, 2019 21:09:13 GMT -5
jim44444I speculate that a lot of people google here looking for 'The Magic Bullet Solution' where-in if you just do this, then that, the problem is fixed. And when they do not find the magic bullet solution here, they piss off elsewhere to seek it. I further speculate that a lot of people have a fresh rejective episode happen which may prompt them into googling, arrive here, have a vent, then get over it and return to the status quo. I think it is also possible that having got some pretty straight feedback on their posts, some people think we are just anti marriage zealots who know nothing. But I guess I am "why chasing" here. Fact is, after an initial post most people drop off. Why that is doesn't greatly matter. They just do.
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Post by Handy on Mar 3, 2019 21:42:12 GMT -5
Baza, all you posted is true. I also notice people have high and low issues where one day a problem seems like a big issue and several days later that same situation doesn't seem to bother the person as much so for them what was a pain in the ass is now tolerable for the time being.
My idea is when a problem is a PITA, people post and when the raw feelings subside they don't post as much.
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Post by baza on Mar 3, 2019 21:59:07 GMT -5
Baza, all you posted is true. I also notice people have high and low issues where one day a problem seems like a big issue and several days later that same situation doesn't seem to bother the person as much so for them what was a pain in the ass is now tolerable for the time being. My idea is when a problem is a PITA, people post and when the raw feelings subside they don't post as much. Just out of interest, for February 2019, there were a total of 32 newbies who joined. 24 of them (75%) have thus far not posted anything. Anything at all. 8 of them (25%) have contributed at least one (1) post, and if they run true to form 6 of them will never post another thing.
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Post by baza on Mar 3, 2019 22:16:17 GMT -5
Further astounding facts (worthy of Ripleys Believe It Or Not) .....
There are 1,379 members of this group as of today. There are 752 of them who have never posted a thing. And of the 627 who have contributed, there are heaps who only ever contributed one or two posts and then disappeared.
Former Brother @shynjdude used to reckon there was only about 250 'active members' on here, and I think that (based on the above) he was probably right.
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Post by Handy on Mar 3, 2019 22:25:42 GMT -5
Baza, back to the high or low internal pressure, I lurked for about a month on the first forum I read. I was mostly stuffing down my feelings because i felt a bit guilty for saying things about my W that made her out to be a neglectful person. I felt guilty because maybe a physical relationship to others was not that important, so was I being selfish. I also felt someone might recognize me through what I posted and I didn't want friends or someone I knew see the messed up marriage I had. It tool a while but I read about 20 relationship books thinking I could improve the marriage and myself. If it wasn't for discussing the books I read and others doing the same thing, my early post count would have been low.
Now I know most spouses are the way they are and they are not going to change. I also feel less guilty about being critical of my W's choices.
The being critical of someone else and guilt over feeling maybe sex is not important (hypothetical judgement by others) and I just want too much was difficult to overcome. I suspect others have similar mental blocks, so once they unload, the pressure is off.
One forum I was on a very long time ago (mostly divorced women) told me I was a whiner and a troll and I needed to consider what I was doing wrong because women turn them self inside out for a man. I had the same issues at 90% of the people on this forum but ILIASM issues were not welcome on that forum.
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Post by baza on Mar 3, 2019 22:55:38 GMT -5
The final determinate here is whether the member is getting something useful out of the group. If they are then that's great.
And, just possibly, of those who don't post, some - perhaps even a lot - learn a bit vicariously by reading the postings of the active members and feel no need to post their story as someone else has already told pretty much the same tale.
After all, most of the stories in here are broadly the same story, though the finer detail may be different.
And the options don't alter.
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endthegame
Junior Member
Posts: 96
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Mar 4, 2019 17:09:30 GMT -5
Baz, very true. When I first joined ep I read maybe 500, 1000, 2000? Posts before contributing. I think many soak the information up like a sponge, then make a decision ( ow an informed decision) to ditch the forum and do whatever they want to do. Who knows, but a lot of people I talked with read extensively before posting.
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Post by baza on Mar 4, 2019 17:33:48 GMT -5
Baz, very true. When I first joined ep I read maybe 500, 1000, 2000? Posts before contributing. I think many soak the information up like a sponge, then make a decision ( ow an informed decision) to ditch the forum and do whatever they want to do. Who knows, but a lot of people I talked with read extensively before posting. I get a bit of Private Message traffic from time to time from members who have not contributed anything on the boards. The general tone of those PM's suggest that what you are saying is right Brother endthegame . There are "lurkers" who derive value out of the site without ever posting publicly. Hard to quantify how common that is though.
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rudra
Junior Member
Escapee from 12-year sexless marriage. In a "real" marriage for another 12 years now.
Posts: 27
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Post by rudra on Mar 5, 2019 14:43:59 GMT -5
I would speculate that on a "high internal pressure" day, or perhaps when they've seen something in the news or a lifestyle column or show that talks about sexless marriage, they find this (or other) sites, and join out of a "me too" concept, then don't follow up. Something happens that makes them "happier" in the situation for a time, or perhaps a reset sex sort of thing. They've read some, and it at least plants a seed. They may not act on the information for some time, or never, but they know it's real and we're here.
Will some of them return eventually, here, to some other online or RL support group? Will some of them seek professional help, either from a marriage/sex counselor or from an attorney? It's hard to say.
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 5, 2019 19:21:43 GMT -5
When I started talking at work, I found coworkers coping with similar situations.
One was getting duty sex. His pastor told his wife she had to. It was getting them by. He was happy with it.
Another, his wife's refusal was transient. It fixed itself over a few months. Or, so he claimed.
Either of these two guys, or people like them, could have joined, then lost the need for insight and support.
One more friend gave up and accepted his lot. His refusing wife has the master suite in his home. He has the spare bedroom, and satisfies himself watching porn, and will not risk giving up his retirement. Those that read a bit, then acquiesce to their lot in life are another group that we will never hear from.
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Post by allworkandnoplay on Mar 15, 2019 22:48:28 GMT -5
Well, I’m still around, just not as often. When I am gone so much I end up spending all my time catching up reading. I was in an accident some months ago, so I spent a long time with more pressing concerns. I don’t know if I have anything special to add lately. My situation is no different. It is some small comfort that my situation is is not unique - even if it is a little depressing I spent a long time lurking at EP and followed here before I ever officially joined, so I can totally understand some reluctance to post. Even though this is anonymous, living with a SM can be embarrassing to many. Talking about sex in general is still taboo to many and some just never get comfortable. In any case, best to everyone.
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