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Post by Rhapsodee on Feb 20, 2019 2:28:52 GMT -5
For three years I managed to go dancing at a dance hall twice a week without getting to know anyone. I was learning line dances and couple dances. I had my regular dance partners, but there was no real connection. I knew their names and they knew mine. After the dance we said thank you and got off the floor. I had a great time alone.
Then, the dance hall closed. It was a “one of a kind” place. There is nothing like it in the entire county of San Diego. Suddenly there was a void and other bars started rushing to pick up the slack and have special “Incahoots” nights. As a result connections started forming and I got swept up in it. As we all know, a person in a sexless marriage has no business hanging out with single people. You know what happened.
Before, no one knew I was married. I don’t wear a ring. I hate rings. I cannot bear anything on my hands. I have never worn a wedding ring the entirety of my marriage. It never was an issue.
Then, I developed a crush. Bad bad bad. He wanted to know..... Am I married or not? Why am I out all the time? Why doesn’t my husband care that I am out alone dancing and talking to men? He couldn’t get it. I tried to explain my situation without revealing too much or appearing to be pathetic, but it came out as an elaborate tale and now he hates me. He sent me a text that was so horrible that I accepted it as truth and then deleted it. I wish I hadn’t, because now I have nothing to argue with. My second knee jerk reaction was to unfriend on Facebook all the people I have gotten to know and remove myself from the group site.
My heart is broken over this misunderstanding, but in the long run it is for the best. I think I am relieved to be free of a possibly disastrous situation. It violated the #1 rule -NEVER GET SEXUALLY INVOLVED WITH ANYONE YOU SOCIALIZE WITH. It is fortunate that there are aspects of him that were a deterrent to any physical intimacy.
All-in-all it’s the dancing that I love. I want to go back to being an anonymous woman dancing and enjoying herself without any complicated friendship issues. I am ok alone. Maybe this means not going to the places that he dances or any of his friends dance. I’ve been researching acceptable venues for dancing. I think I have some good options.
Now to remain an island and hope no one decides to swim.
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Post by lessingham on Feb 20, 2019 3:18:51 GMT -5
Dance! Screw 'em and dance. I would love to have your courage to go dancing.
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Post by solodriver on Feb 20, 2019 4:18:12 GMT -5
Dance my friend!
Don't let what happened take away your dance spirit. That spirit is what helps get you through this hell you live in called "sexless marriage". It helps give you something that adds joy to your life. Don't deny yourself the things that adds happiness to your life.
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Post by tiptoe on Feb 20, 2019 14:40:24 GMT -5
Please go back to the dancing and follow your passion. I’m sorry that this happened to you. You don’t ever have to respond to anyone’s attempts to interrogate you. Think about how you will answer in the future and give a brief prepared answer. What you want to say about your marital status is up to you. If you want to refer to your spouse you can say something like “he’s not into dancing”. Keep repeating it. You don’t have to explain anything. Anyone hell bent on interrogating you is not someone you need to hang out with. A similar thing. I don’t drink alcohol and I don’t owe anyone any explanation about it. If someone offers me a drink I politely say “no thanks” or I’ll take a seltzer and they say “why no alcohol” I say “I’d rather not or I don’t care to.” I stay on message and they usually let it go quickly. If they don’t then that’s their problem.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Feb 20, 2019 14:45:07 GMT -5
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Post by Handy on Feb 20, 2019 19:15:28 GMT -5
Rhapsodee, go back and dance. My W wanted to go dancing but after a few sessions she said it was too difficult so I went alone for another 6 months. The same entry level dance group started up again in Oct. I went alone again until May, when the dance hall lease ends every year. The following Oct, the dance hall lease reinstates, so I went again, yes alone and mostly with the same partners. I couldn't go the month of Dec and my regular partner had a partner more her age. I was sort of too emotionally involved with her on my end but I never said anything that would indicate I was overly into her, so her new partner was a way out for me. I think she really liked me except for the age difference but nothing was said.
A year later my previous dance partner saw me with my W. I think my dance partner was upset but I never got a chance to say why I was dancing with her every week and why my W just stays at home.
Right now I am friendly with 3 women my age. They all know my W stays at home and watches TV14-16 hours a day. All 3 women have the opinion that my W has a problem not wanting to go places with me so they do not feel uncomfortable talking and doing a limited amount of activities with me. I suspect anything overtly romantic would cause problems so I don't go there but I gives hints I might be interested in more. I also say I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable or push them into something they wouldn't feel comfortable doing.
I suggest you not worry about what some of your friends think and go back to the dance floor. I would go back to the FB group and add yourself. some people might be stand-offish, some won't care what you do as long as you are an asset to the group.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Feb 20, 2019 19:44:21 GMT -5
Handy, thank you. Dancing is the only thing that makes me forget. I can’t stop going.
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Post by Handy on Feb 20, 2019 20:12:05 GMT -5
Rhapsodee, I don't know how involved you were with this man, I can only go from what I think was minimally going on.
My first guess was he was hoping you were single and maybe had more plans to be with you and you being married thew a monkey wrench in his mental plans.
The other thing I thought of was, Rhapsodee is overly concerned what other people think of her. I have this problem myself. Doing the right things and close to never doing something questionable, had me in a position that sometimes I am the last person on my list of things or people that need attention. Wanting to be the good person and not be selfish was so ingrained in me I too often did not considered myself and my needs as being more important than someone close to me. A long time ago my self worth was what i could do and how much money I brought home so my family had decent things. That took a lit of working hours in a lower paying industry, but Hay, I was the man and that was what a real man did.
I started hearing in the right direction a long time ago but the process has been slower than a glacier travels.
How do you feel about your age? Does it ever cause you to think you are too old to want certain things and maybe sense some discrimination? I get treated as slightly invisable sometimes and yet, sometimes I meet people that seem to respect and honor my age and experiences.
Maybe i am all wet and off track with the age thing, if so disregard my questions.
All I know (actually think) is being a responsible person for way too many years, it is sometimes a chore to ask and take what we want without feeling some guilt along the way. Anyway that is what happens for me. Your mileage will vary.
Best wishes. I am still working on my Emotional intelligence so may be off a bit on what is really happening.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Feb 20, 2019 20:24:40 GMT -5
Handy, it was nice to have people to talk to at the places I have danced these past two months. (Incahoots closed New Year’s Eve). It will be difficult to go back to sitting alone but I can do it. This man (3years younger) is quite popular and there is no telling what he is saying. Oh well. I’m not there to make friends and influence people. I just want to dance. I’m ok with my age, 58. I don’t feel invisible. I’m tall and fit. I work on my posture so I stand tall and establish my presence. I think I look good for my age. I get the attention of younger as well as older men.
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Post by workingonit on Feb 20, 2019 20:39:45 GMT -5
Dance, sister. Don't let any MF dim your shine
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Post by Rhapsodee on Feb 20, 2019 20:43:57 GMT -5
workingonit, damn, they are gonna need shades when this girl shows up to dance. 😎
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Post by Handy on Feb 20, 2019 20:48:13 GMT -5
This man (3years younger) is quite popular
So people like him and maybe he thinks he is a bit more important than he really is. It could be he has an inflated ego about himself and thinks or judges people by what he thinks life should be like.
It is good to hear you have a decent amount of self confidence. That helps to get you what you need out of life.
I read a forum that a woman (C) was posting on about her dance instructor partner. Everyone thought the guy was great in many ways. It took this woman C a year to discover the cracks in his armor like outward appearance. C would have married him but his ego wasn't backed up by substance. Well, crash and burn describes that relationship but most of the other people in the dance circle didn't see the short comings and the differences / incompatibilities in their relationship. Had she married the guy, she would be broke and resenting him for his overly self-valuing opinions.
My main idea right now is compatibility makes for a smooth relationship. Being too this or that causes problems.
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Post by carl on Feb 20, 2019 21:48:50 GMT -5
In my opinion in those circumstances it is better to sensitively tell the truth. The truth is never wrong but half the truth can sound bad. Of course it’s nobody’s business really. Hope you enjoy your dancing !
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2019 22:39:53 GMT -5
I love to dance and go often ... without my husband, too. I also don't drink. The peace and freedom I find losing myself in the music, by myself on the dance floor, is heaven for me and not surpassed by anything. Go dance. Let nothing kill that spirit! Goodness knows there's enough in our lives trying to do just that. I'm going dancing tomorrow night. I will think of you as I hit the dance floor!
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Post by Rhapsodee on Feb 20, 2019 22:58:59 GMT -5
@whynotm3, awesome! Dance your heart out.
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