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Post by baza on Feb 17, 2019 21:58:55 GMT -5
This all presupposes that you have diligently done your research, like consulting a lawyer in your jurisdiction etc etc, and that you are making a fully informed choice with the best possible current information in your possession.
If you are considering the leaving option, then your next destination is being single again. Depending on what your ILIASM deal is like, this prospect might fill you with dread, or in some cases, a feeling of great anticipation. Which way you feel is very much going to be dependent on the facts of your situation (which is why you need to be making a fully informed choice based on the facts) and how you would cope with being single.
But if, on consideration of all the facts, you are not convinced that being single again is preferable to staying in your ILIASM deal, it is probably not a good move to leave.
Now it is true that there is a lot of evidence in this group that members leaving their ILIASM deals invariably report that their lives have been greatly enhanced by the move. Equally true is the evidence that many members who left are now in fulfilling new relationships, but this is really an entirely separate and stand alone issue. The next immediate step on leaving is to be single again. What might then happen further in to your new life carries no guarantees. None at all. The only guarantee is, that you give yourself an opportunity to start again.
It is entirely possible that moving from ‘in an ILIASM deal’ to ‘single’ could mean that you stay ‘single’. Some members might be quite ok with that. Others might be aghast at the idea.
So if you are not comfortable with being ‘single’ - even if only for a while - then probably the leaving option is not for you.
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 18, 2019 10:43:17 GMT -5
I was terrified of being single. Hence staying for way too long....However it has been the best thing for me. If you are in an abusive marriage, being free beats it hands down every time. It has been hard at times, and I had to work on myself a lot. My advice would be to use your support network of friends/family who understand. And relish every little thing you can do without the misery of daily rejection....
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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 18, 2019 10:54:35 GMT -5
I married young never lived alone. Was married for 35 years. I was a stay at home mom for 11 years so entered the work force late. And we don't live near family closest relative is 7 hours away. My exit plan definitely took a long time paid off debt. But I did it glad I did!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2019 18:22:07 GMT -5
Depending on what your ILIASM deal is like, this prospect might fill you with dread, or in some cases, a feeling of great anticipation. Which way you feel is very much going to be dependent on the facts of your situation (which is why you need to be making a fully informed choice based on the facts) and how you would cope with being single. But if, on consideration of all the facts, you are not convinced that being single again is preferable to staying in your ILIASM deal, it is probably not a good move to leave. The next immediate step on leaving is to be single again. What might then happen further in to your new life carries no guarantees. None at all. The only guarantee is, that you give yourself an opportunity to start again. It is entirely possible that moving from ‘in an ILIASM deal’ to ‘single’ could mean that you stay ‘single’.I was filled with great anticipation. I confidently expected a happy transition from forced abstinence to a rewarding sex life. baza is correct about there being limited guarantees, and stay single I did. Over about 6 months, I vigorously plied the online dating scene. But, I met zero women and de facto didn’t rekindle any form of sex life. Given the number and frequency of the online rejections and the nature of the surrounding circumstances, I concluded that W must have been right about me all along: It seemed all too plausible that I had been sexless owing to some still incompletely revealed yet lethally repulsive trait(s). Plus, given my roughly two decades of indoctrination, I simply couldn’t conjure a less self-damning explanation for my failed sexual overtures (in or out of wedlock). I returned to the SM. Even so, I subsequently experienced periodic optimism that I might still somehow be able to turn the tables. Go figure!
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Post by baza on Feb 21, 2019 19:18:05 GMT -5
Yeah, there are two entirely different stand alone issues in play here.
#1 - being the choice to leave. By necessity, that means moving from an ILIASM situation to a single situation. And that has to stand up all by itself as a stand alone issue. If it does not stand up all by itself - that you'd be happier single than in an ILIASM - then it is probably not a smart move.
#2 - is how your life as a single might then go. Whether you are interested in another relationship, what opportunities present themselves if you are, etc etc. But you have to see being single as preferable to being in an ILIASM. Again, if you do not see singledom as being preferable to an ILIASM....even if that means no immediate new relationship on the horizon, then leaving is probably not a smart move. But if you ARE ok with being single in preference to an ILIASM, then leaving probably IS the smart move.
If one conjoins these two stand alone issues into 1 - "I will leave my ILIASM and find someone else" - {or even the other (cheating) variant where one adopts a position of - "I will find someone else and then leave my ILIASM"} - then one is reliant on outside factors happening, and they might not happen.
I guess where your situation is different Brother @islandtime is that you ended up with an option that rarely, if ever, we see in here. That being that the option of going back to your ILIASM deal. That option is usually not present in most instances.
So really, you are no worse off now than you were. You made the perfectly valid choice to return to your ILIASM. You are back where you were, and you now know that singledom is NOT preferable to an ILIASM situation, for you.
Obviously returning to your ILIASM is not all beer and skittles for you, but it is preferable - for you - than being single.
That's a perfectly legitimate position to take.
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 21, 2019 20:23:49 GMT -5
islandtime said: "I was filled with great anticipation. I confidently expected a happy transition from forced abstinence to a rewarding sex life.
baza is correct about there being limited guarantees, and stay single I did. Over about 6 months, I vigorously plied the online dating scene. But, I met zero women and de facto didn’t rekindle any form of sex life. Given the number and frequency of the online rejections and the nature of the surrounding circumstances, I concluded that W must have been right about me all along: It seemed all too plausible that I had been sexless owing to some still incompletely revealed yet lethally repulsive trait(s). Plus, given my roughly two decades of indoctrination, I simply couldn’t conjure a less self-damning explanation for my failed sexual overtures (in or out of wedlock). I returned to the SM. Even so, I subsequently experienced periodic optimism that I might still somehow be able to turn the tables. Go figure!"
This is the clear evidence that unless one thinks one would be happier single than remaining in your sexless marriage, stay in your SM. This is at least the second person on ILIASM who I remember has become discouraged that a new relationship or even just getting laid didn't happen within a few months. I bet that most of the people here are like me and when they were young and dating had long stretches without sex. I can remember about a year of not getting laid -- or even having a date -- when I was in my early 20s. When I decided to divorce, it was 11 months before I got laid, about 7 months before I had a real date. If that situation had continued, I still would have been happier than remaining tied to a man who obviously was indifferent to my needs. There were other 6 month or longer stretches -- during my teens and twenties when I didn't even have one date.
If one's main objective after divorcing is to find a new partner or get laid, one's desperation is likely to drive away prospects. People tend to want to be around folks who are happy with themselves, not folks who seem on a quest to fill a hole in their lives.. People tend to be attracted to people who seem happy and content. People tend to be repelled by folks who seem to be needy. This is a good reason to -- before divorcing or immediately after divorcing -- focus on becoming a person whom you yourself feel confident about as a human being, and happy to be in your own company. .
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Post by baza on Feb 21, 2019 21:17:02 GMT -5
I like what Sister northstarmom has said here - "before divorcing or immediately after divorcing -- focus on becoming a person whom you yourself feel confident about as a human being, and happy to be in your own company"I think this is very very true. You have to be comfortable with yourself as a stand alone individual first and foremost....if you are to be comfortable with someone else. "Someone else" cannot make you comfortable with yourself. That's your gig, no-one else's.
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Post by smith227 on Feb 21, 2019 22:07:15 GMT -5
I have this issue. Stay in a place where sex isn’t valued, or go out in the wild where sex is often the only thing valued. I probably wouldn’t mind the single option. It doesn’t scare me anymore bc I already feel alone quite often. Also, I was single for 5 years after my first divorce. It was sometimes lonely, but I survived. I just have no interest in the whole dating scene anymore. And, most people use the internet to meet people and I’d rather stay single than go on a bunch of blind dates. In the end my sexless marriage has changed me. I feel like I’d need to be alone to heal enough to be even a remotely decent partner to anyone.
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Post by baza on Feb 22, 2019 1:49:45 GMT -5
I think it goes like this Sister smith227 Let's say that your enthusiasm to be single again is at 5 on a scale of 10 (1 being very unenthusiastic, 10 being very keen) When you first join here your enthusiasm to leave your marriage is at 2 on a scale of 10 That's a pretty easy choice. 2 wins and you stay. Now your enthusiasm to be single again probably isn't going to alter from that 5 much, if at all. But your enthusiasm to leave the marriage is likely to increase as you suffer a bit longer. Say it moves up to 3. Again, an easy call. 3 beats 5. A bit more time in the ILIASM deal may see your enthusiasm to leave the marriage rise a bit more. Say to a 4. 4 beats 5 so you will probably stay. A few months more sustained suffering and your enthusiasm to leave might be at 5. As your enthusiasm to be single again is still at 5. Now the sums start to get difficult. Comes a time when your enthusiasm to leave gets to 6 (or more) Your enthusiasm to be single is still at 5. Now you have a tipping point. A point where the prospect of staying looks worse than the prospect of being single.
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 22, 2019 5:17:04 GMT -5
I have this issue. Stay in a place where sex isn’t valued, or go out in the wild where sex is often the only thing valued. I probably wouldn’t mind the single option. It doesn’t scare me anymore bc I already feel alone quite often. Also, I was single for 5 years after my first divorce. It was sometimes lonely, but I survived. I just have no interest in the whole dating scene anymore. And, most people use the internet to meet people and I’d rather stay single than go on a bunch of blind dates. In the end my sexless marriage has changed me. I feel like I’d need to be alone to heal enough to be even a remotely decent partner to anyone. Well, if it is going to take time alone to heal, is being in a relationship that is delaying that healing really the kind of situation you want to be in?
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Post by misssunnybunny on Feb 22, 2019 8:48:56 GMT -5
I've been out over 5 years. It took some time for me to move, get my new life set up, and start recovering. I didn't want to date right away because I knew I needed to work through some issues and wanted to do that first, make me a little more whole again before starting to date. I needed time for me. Now I want to date, and it is not easy. I resisted signing up for online dating, but caved last summer because I wasn't meeting anyone "in the wild." I was cautiously optimistic, not really expecting much, and, so far, I've been right to feel cautious. Online dating is awful. I have never had great luck dating, but I honestly didn't think it would be *this* difficult. I am happy enough being single, but sometimes the empty house feels really empty, and going home alone after spending time with my married/coupled-up friends makes me sad. It is much better being in a house with the ex, though; even though I am lonely, I am so glad I left.
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 22, 2019 8:52:04 GMT -5
“In the end my sexless marriage has changed me. I feel like I’d need to be alone to heal enough to be even a remotely decent partner to anyone.”
This is normal and is true for just about anyone whose marriage has ended. They need time to heal, grieve and reclaim themselves . The only reason I was able to get into a relationship about 11 months after filing for divorce was that I had been living my life as basically s single for several previous years including one year when st my suggestion my husband did a year long sabbatical in Asia while I stayed home, I pursued my own interests, had therapy, made new friends and found I was truly happier without him than with him. I felt whole without him or a partner. I didn’t leave my marriage looking for someone to fill a huge hole in my life. A partner would enhance an already good life, not fix it.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 22, 2019 9:34:31 GMT -5
The concur with the initial postulate that, "one must be content in their own skin and willing to accept the very possible outcome of divorce... being single, perhaps for a long time". I have been out of my ILIASM relationship now for what will soon be 4 yrs. I have dated a # of women and been intimate with a few. I have had 1 long term (a year plus) and several short term relationships, but as of today I remain basically unattached. And really that's pretty much OK with me. I married at age 33, divorced at 43 and remarried at age 60, so it was almost 17 yrs. between marriages. I seperated/divorced at age 66. I have spent most of my life single so the prospect of uncoupling was not troubling for me. Unlike misssunnybunny I have not found online dating to be awful. The process of getting to an actual date is pretty awful. In my age demographic it just seems so many of the women online are not actually upfront about themselves. It would seem the same may be true for many of the males populating dating sites. Honesty seems pretty irrelevant. I have always felt lucky, even when dirt poor as a child. I still feel that way. I consider myself fortunate to have only been in a SM situation for about 2-3yrs. instead of 2-3 decades before I got out. And who knows? Some rich horney widow may yet cast an eye my way and like what she sees. DIsclaimer: she doesn't need to be rich, that would just be the cherry on top.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2019 19:13:26 GMT -5
I guess where your situation is different Brother @islandtime is that you ended up with an option that rarely, if ever, we see in here. That being that the option of going back to your ILIASM deal. That option is usually not present in most instances. So really, you are no worse off now than you were. You made the perfectly valid choice to return to your ILIASM. You are back where you were, and you now know that singledom is NOT preferable to an ILIASM situation, for you. Obviously returning to your ILIASM is not all beer and skittles for you, but it is preferable - for you - than being single. That's a perfectly legitimate position to take. Distressingly, the determinant of my failed attempts at dating related to my appearance. However long and personal a given conversation may have gotten, I could kill it quickly with the photo exchange. An occasion that really sticks out involved a conversation with a woman whose reaction to my picture was something like “Bye, Pig.” So, once the patterns had become clear (and recognizing that I had breached my 50’s), the leading options were: 1. Stay dateless/sexless in an urban environment until my appearance magically changed in some unknown way so as to be acceptable. 2. Return to a dateless/sexless marriage but lead a life enmeshed in a culture that I love, in an environment that I love surrounded by animals that I love. I can walk down the hill and smell the sea. I can walk up the hill and smell the cacao and cinnamon. At night, the warm wind happily obliges with a massage. In the spring, I can stick my head underwater and hear the whales singing as they pass… Given what I knew at the time, I maintain that Choice 2 was correct. But, even having made that choice, I never quite gave up trying to understand myself, my errors and ultimately my place in the bigger world. I have since learned some relieving and yet disturbing things. But, I suppose that most any lesson offers both exaltation and loss. That’s perhaps the most important lesson of all.
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Post by choosinghappy on Feb 27, 2019 8:39:40 GMT -5
For me it boiled down to: I’d rather be lonely single, than lonely within a marriage.
Especially since my particular marriage was also making me feel like shit about myself. It’s hard to love yourself when the person who vowed to love and honor you forever repeatedly rejects you and makes you feel less-than.
During the last therapy session I had before I chose to leave my marriage, my therapist slipped me a departing note that said “Don’t let anyone dull your shine.” Good advice.
But even though that was my choice, @islandtime, I can see how what you just wrote about the positives in your marriage could outweigh the sexless aspect for you. Everyone’s situation is unique. I just hope everyone’s choice, no matter what it is, makes them happier than the alternative.
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