The following were the first 10 to join the group in February 2017 and to have posted at least once.
sarleah – last post Feb 2017 – inactive @sara1976 – last post Feb 2017 – inactive Teer – last post Mar 2018 – staying meerin – last post Aug 2017 – inactive justaguy – last post Feb 2017 – inactive amoshart – last post Feb 2018 – staying listedship – last post Mar 2018 – staying bigrightarm – last post Feb 2017 – inactive Copernicus – last post Apr 2017 – inactive flyingsolo - - last post Feb 2019 – staying
This sample shows, over the intervening 2 years ..... 6 have gone inactive so we have no clue what happened with them (pretty usual) 4 are staying in their ILIASM deals (pretty usual)
There were 0 examples of members leaving their marriage (unusual - there's usually at least 1 in 10) There were 0 examples of members having turned their ILIASM deal around (usual, they are really rare)
Incidently, the last 10 samples of 10 make a nice even 100 members, and the results are as follows -
49 - went inactive (no posts for at least a year) so we don't know what happened to them 34 - are still in their marriages as far as is known 17 - have left their marriages 0 - examples in these samples of a member turning their marriage around
The samples were taken from the first 10 members to join in - March 2016. April 2016. August 2016. November 2016. December 2016. January 2017. February 2017. June 2017. August 2017. January 2018. (these are on various threads if you want to look them up for speciific members)
Post by flyingsolo on Feb 16, 2019 17:05:46 GMT -5
Hi baza, thanks for the post tag. It's hard to believe it's been two years since I joined. It's crazy how fast time flies. It seems like you are looking for some sort of update, so I'll chime in. Yes, I am one of the ones "staying" while trying to work things out with my wife. I haven't been on this forum much in the past year. Frankly, it's damn depressing to wallow in one's own sexlessness and honestly I really haven't connected with too many people here, so I haven't opened up much. If you had told me it would be two years since I last had sex with my wife, I'd tell you you were crazy. Well, on February 24th it will be exactly two years since the last time I had sex with my wife. I've made a conscious choice to not let that ruin my life or cause me to wallow in self-regret, so I've been active in other areas, working on other parts of my life.
My wife and I have been in counseling for a year and a half. Honestly, the progress has been slow, but I do see true progress and our counselor is great. We aren't intimate again yet, but I do see things progressing in that direction, though excruciatingly slow. We do hug, kiss, hold hands, tell each other "I love you", etc. I'm trying not to dwell on my expectations of how quickly things should be fixed as there are two parties involved. I'm working very hard not to be angry and resentful that she has chosen to cut off physical intimacy as that won't fix anything. I see two sides to the story and I see how actions in the past from both of us have led us to where we are today in our marriage. They key is working to fix it, for the sake of our marriage and our kids.
Don't get me wrong. I've done all the planning and homework should the need arise to exit the relationship. I had a drop dead date in my mind of when I would leave if things hadn't improved. That date has not yet arrived and at this point I am OK pushing it back if necessary if progress is being made. I've talked to an attorney, I know what it's going to cost. However, at this point our marriage is not so bad in the other areas to cause me to want to bail out and start over. We actually get along pretty well most of the time and share a lot of laughs, both together and as a family. I can see what is on the other side of that fence if I do leave thinking I will find a greener pasture. I don't envy a few days and every other weekend with my kids or dividing up half our stuff and paying alimony and child support for the next 10+ years. I don't envy coming home to an empty house every night instead of my wife and kids and the dog who is always the first one to the door every night. Yes, I am sure I can find great sex again with a woman willing to make all my fantasies come true, perhaps the best sex ever, but that will only fill up so much of what I would be leaving behind so I choose not to file for divorce and to try to repair my relationship with my wife.
So I keep doing my part to work on fixing things. Don't misunderstand that for me settling for a sexless marriage forever. It will change or my marriage will end. I will not do this forever, however I am willing to bide my time and continue to work on making myself a better man, emotionally, physically and spiritually. If it doesn't work in the end with my marriage, I will know I gave 100% and will not see it as a failure, but a lesson in life and a path I have traveled that led me to where I am ultimately supposed to go.
Bottom line, I could very easily be bitter and angry, but I don't believe that's any way to go through life. That will not accomplish what I am hoping to accomplish with my wife. So, right now I am hopeful and optimistic that things are changing for the better. If/when physical intimacy resumes, I think things will pick up steam on the road to recovering our marriage.
Am I a turnaround story? At this point no, although I think my wife and I understand each other much better now. She knows I desire a healthy and active sex life with her and she claims that she wants the same but that we need to reconnect emotionally first. We have miles to go to bridge the emotional chasm that currently separates us. Perhaps a year from now I will be able to post that a turnaround is close to reality. Until then, I soldier on trying to make tomorrow better than yesterday and to try to be the best husband and dad I can be as I don't particularly care for the alternative that pertains to leaving.
That being written, I completely understand that the path I decided to take is not for everyone. We all have to do what we feel is right in our particular circumstances. You only get one go-around. Make the most of it!
Actually, the main reason I've been doing these samples is NOT to explore "why" people leave or stay. The main reason is just to see what generally happens to a newbie 2 years down the track ..... In most cases we do not know, as many members write a story and disappear (in 49% cases) Do they stay ? (data suggests that 34% do) Do they leave ? (data suggests that 17% do) Do their ILIASM deals 'turn around' ? (data suggests that these are real outliers)
But on a more personal level, it seems to me that members who have done their homework and fully explored their options, and made a fully informed choice, seem to be happier than when they were just floating along in their ILIASM deal. Taking ownership of the situation (like you have) seems to provide a level of serenity. This appears be so irrespective of what their choice was.
You seem happier now than you were 2 years ago Brother flyingsolo. In my mind, that's a win.
Post by flyingsolo on Feb 16, 2019 18:02:55 GMT -5
I agree. Taking ownership of the situation, and making lemonade of out lemons, definitely helps. It seems to give back some of the control that the other party has taken away from you by "refusing" you for lack of a better word. Now, I'm not condoning staying in a relationship where you are being abused, mentally or physically. However, there are invariably causes behind why the refuser is refusing. If you are unhappy in your marriage, sexless or not, I highly encourage you to dig until you find out why. Whether this means going to talk to someone to help you figure it out, talking with your spouse openly and frankly (in a calm manner), having them go talk to someone, or going to talk to someone together, you deserve to know the circumstances behind your "situation". If nothing else, you may find out it's something you have no control over. Or, you may find out you are the entire cause of the issue. Sometimes, it's somewhere in the middle with both parties having some fault in the issue. Either way, you are now in a position to make a much more informed decision about your marriage and your future and to plot a course forward, either together or alone.
Frankly, I started my journey unhappy and angry believing my wife was causing the entire issue. The more I learned about why we are in the situation, the more I learned about myself and my spouse and saw more of the cause and effect of things in our 25 year relationship. I don't feel nearly as helpless as I did before and I believe we are both attempting to make changes for the better. I do feel frustrated by how long it seems to be taking and by how long I realize now we were basically living in limbo, but I think she and I both agree that things are getting better, which is miles ahead of where I was two years ago.
Thank [email protected] for you refreshingly honest and sincere post, which I find very thought provoking. Your wife is fortunate indeed to have a spouse as patient, insightful and invested in your relationship. I wish you both well in your attempts to resolve your issues, and you in particular in gaining a satisfactory outcome for you in the future whichever way it shakes out.
misssunnybunny: You're welcome! So glad to hear you had a great day
Jan 19, 2019 16:34:01 GMT -5
worksforme2: anyone hear anything lately from mrslowmaintenance or smartkat?
Jan 24, 2019 18:06:02 GMT -5
petrushka: Just saw the forecast for Mildura at 47C -- I hope you and Ms. Enna are going to be ok Baz. That's getting dangerous.
Jan 24, 2019 20:10:00 GMT -5
lifeinwoodinville: I last heard from mrslowmaintenance about a month ago. I have been in regular contact with her for the last year and a half. I feel comfortable in saying that her situation remains unchanged. If you want to know more PM me.
Jan 25, 2019 22:36:50 GMT -5