onlyhuman
Junior Member
Learning to be all right with what I want.
Posts: 30
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Post by onlyhuman on Feb 11, 2019 21:15:34 GMT -5
Ok, so I don't know if the subject line makes sense. Basically, I am attracted to BBW's, my wife being one of them. I have shared with her that I find, among others, Kathy Bates, to be attractive. Now, if we are watching a show with Kathy Bates in it, she will comment on how she doesn't like her. A similar thing happens with women in real life. There are people at my work that she thinks fit my type. She has told me that she does not like them without even meeting them. It is almost funny, that I can predict her reaction and the look on her face by who she thinks I might be attracted to. I don't get it.
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Post by carl on Feb 11, 2019 21:35:00 GMT -5
Nope. I don’t get it either. I have the same. I love my wife but not only does she refuse sex with me but she is very over protective of me at times and would hate the thought of me looking at another woman. But wouldn’t let me look at her. I can’t understand the logic.
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 11, 2019 21:52:41 GMT -5
Your wives act like that because they want to keep you as a husband so you can pay bills, coparent, be a social companion, fix things around the house. They just don’t want to fuck you. They don’t want to lose you to someone who would fuck you.
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onlyhuman
Junior Member
Learning to be all right with what I want.
Posts: 30
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Post by onlyhuman on Feb 11, 2019 22:11:16 GMT -5
Your wives act like that because they want to keep you as a husband so you can pay bills, coparent, be a social companion, fix things around the house. They just don’t want to fuck you. They don’t want to lose you to someone who would fuck you. Thank you, northstarmom, for speaking the truth that I've suspected. It has always struck me as an insecurity issue on her part. I thought it related more to whether or not I find her attractive. Instead, it is about what she thinks she could lose, but won't do what is necessary (fuck me) to keep from losing me. Just a twist on the "I want you around, but I don't want you", I suppose.
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Post by carl on Feb 11, 2019 22:18:57 GMT -5
What would make her think that she would loose me or that anyone else would fuck me ?
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Post by baza on Feb 12, 2019 0:24:14 GMT -5
What would make her think that she would loose me or that anyone else would fuck me ? Brother carl makes a key and pivotal point here. Given that we've stayed so long in our ILIASM shithole, what on earth would make our spouse think that we might leave ? Our actions in staying in the situation thus far convey a very clear message to our spouse that we are not about to leave. But back to Brother onlyhuman 's post. Given that your missus has chosen to be a non-participant in marital sex, is it of any particular relevance what she thinks about the attractiveness (or otherwise) of certain body types ?
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Post by lessingham on Feb 12, 2019 2:28:39 GMT -5
I think it is a general thing. Like the old joke: women understand women and they can't stand each other! I find women hurtful about other women in general
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Post by Handy on Feb 12, 2019 4:43:55 GMT -5
Carl What would make her think that she would loose me or that anyone else would fuck me ?
My W once said she didn't have to worry about me ever having an affair because no one would want me. Well that was a shocker and it hurt for a while.
Fast forward when I was helping a widow, all of a sudden my W was calling the widow, my wife #2. There was a time when my W said if I had sex with another women she wouldn't have sex with me ever again. OK......So what do I lose? No sex with the wife now and no sex later if I make out with a mystery woman, so one time verses no times.
It boils down to the dog and bone thing. A dog will ignore a bone or toy but if some other dog plays with the bone or toy, the original dog owner of the bone or toy protects the bone or toy and gets very possessive all of a sudden. It is like "I don't want the bone but you can't have it.
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 12, 2019 7:25:12 GMT -5
Handy said: “My W once said she didn't have to worry about me ever having an affair because no one would want me. Well that was a shocker and it hurt for a while.”
Your wife knows damned well that other women would fuck you if you had the confidence to seek such women. Think about it: why would your wife choose to marry and stay married to a man no other woman would want? Your wife knows that if you realized you can have other women who’d treat you well in and out of bed, you’d have no reason to stay married to her. Thus, it is to her advantage for you to think she is your only option.
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onlyhuman
Junior Member
Learning to be all right with what I want.
Posts: 30
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Post by onlyhuman on Feb 12, 2019 7:46:32 GMT -5
Carl It boils down to the dog and bone thing. A dog will ignore a bone or toy but if some other dog plays with the bone or toy, the original dog owner of the bone or toy protects the bone or toy and gets very possessive all of a sudden. It is like "I don't want the bone but you can't have it. I think this hits the nail on the head for me. I am not someone, a person, to my W, but a possession. Something to be owned and controlled.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 12, 2019 9:18:05 GMT -5
When I was married, I didn't experience this. My ex was thoroughly successful in beating me down to thinking I was completely worthless. Who thr hell would want me? Fast forward to yesterday. 6:15AM. I'm in Terminal 1 of the San Diego International Airport awaiting my flight home after yet another (number 41) weekend with ballofconfusion. I'm eating breakfast at an airport bar and grill. As it is early in the morning, I've got the 30 foot long bar to myself. A woman comes up and sits down next to me and orders a glass of Champaigne. I'm not so naive to think she sat next to me in the open area by accident and secretly chuckled to myself. Apparently I was naive enough that I didn't realize the Champaigne was her way of giving me an easy "conversation opening". I kept to myself and got some work done until my flight was ready to board. ballofconfusion has had similar incidents (usually at the grocery store). Neither of us are used to this after being made to feel undesirable for decades. I honestly can't even say that it "feels good". But I'm not perplexed anymore. I am not worthless and undesirable. Neither is BOC. Spoiler alert: If you're reading this, neither are you. Your refuser has just made you feel this way. When I was married, there is no way I would have recounted this to my ex because of the same possessive jealousy from my refuser as the OP described. And that's insane. Jealousy for something you actively do not want? Nuts. Now, I text BOC about "Airport Girlfriend" in real time and she texts me about "Basil Boyfriend" the same way. We live 1300 miles apart (at the moment) and trust each other implicitly. The fact we can joke about this is a sign of a healthy relationship IMHO.
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Post by workingonit on Feb 12, 2019 9:43:00 GMT -5
I just love these glimpses of you two shamwow . Warms my heart. I never have really thought about it but this thread makes me realize how classically my refuser h fits in this. He is really jealous and cannot handle ANY jokes about other men- even movie stars. I worked for several years in a mens prison and would get flirted with by officers on a regular basis. I could not even mention this to my h or he would spiral into his passive aggressive breakdown that is his way to control me. I am becoming aware of how much recovering I will need to do!
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Post by jim44444 on Feb 12, 2019 17:47:16 GMT -5
Weird but I am usually oblivious to subtle flirting. I may have a conversation with a woman and think nothing of it. My wife will point out the subtle or not so subtle signs that the woman was flirting with me. She does not try to make me feel worthless and undesirable. However that does not preclude the fact that I feel she finds me undesirable. But that is on her not me.
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onlyhuman
Junior Member
Learning to be all right with what I want.
Posts: 30
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Post by onlyhuman on Feb 12, 2019 19:43:53 GMT -5
Weird but I am usually oblivious to subtle flirting. I may have a conversation with a woman and think nothing of it. My wife will point out the subtle or not so subtle signs that the woman was flirting with me. She does not try to make me feel worthless and undesirable. However that does not preclude the fact that I feel she finds me undesirable. But that is on her not me. I am aware that I am not undesirable, but I too am bad at picking up on the subtle signs that can come my way. Maybe that is why my W gets so jealous. She knows that I know that I am desirable. She doesn't try to make me feel worthless, just denigrates those she feels threatened by.
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Post by baza on Feb 12, 2019 20:06:59 GMT -5
She might not be directly putting you down Brother onlyhuman . But it does read like she is not averse to bagging your preferences, which pretty much amounts to the same thing - albeit in classic passive aggressive fashion.
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