I stood my ground. I stayed calm, reasonable and focused. I didn’t let his tirades and personal attacks fluster me.
We have the rudiments of an agreement in place. He wants to get a personal adviser to look it over.
I have the feeling that of the two professionals in our mediation sessions - the actual mediator is a bit of a waste of space. She doesn’t add much to the conversation and tends to react in a way that acknowledges and justifies STBX’s ridiculous statements. (He insisted on 50-50 custody of our children. But then thinks it’s unfair and imbalances that he is responsible for the children 50% of the time?!!!!) I should take them when it’s too much for him or if they are sick. And I should do all the dentist, doctor, hair appointments. The teacher conference. I should help him out with kid’s sporting events on his weekends but not vice versa. Whatever, dude.
So the mediator asks “what would make that feel less imbalanced for you?”
He goes into a spiel about how unfair it is. How he has to work and earn money for everyone and then has responsibilities on top of it. And maybe he has to work less. He’ll go to a 70% or 80% work week- unless I take the children if they’re sick during his weeks.
I said very matter of factly - you wanted 50% custody (Least expensive option for him). But if you can’t handle it then we can revisit that. What would work better for you? 30-70? 40-60?
And if you go to working 3 days a week, if the kids are sick on one of your work days you still have the same problem to solve.
He had tried a version of this threat before: “Divorce me and I’ll stop working altogether. Then you want get anything.”
I didn’t bite. Offered to rearrange custody. He dropped it.
I have a sense that the finance guy sees through all the STBX’s bullying, playing the victim, and berating me and thinks that STBX is a major dickwad. (He is). I catch him giving me sympathetic glances and small tight-lipped embarrassed smiles.
In three more weeks - one more meeting. If he’s not willing to come to accept my terms he can see how lucky he is with a judge.
Fantastic that you had a finance guy in the room, and I agree the mediator doesn’t seem to be adding much value. Perhaps, doing her job to find a common ground, not necessarily a fair split. (I seem to recall hearing this about mediators before.)
A finer detail to be wary of in the math... look at the tax liability attached to the assets you split. E.g., something that is tax-deferred will have taxes due on it later, so it’s not all “spendable” money; maybe not by a lot. This is a common thing for retirement accounts in the US. It can also happen with real estate investing.
You’ll have to ask local advisors, of course; you just want to avoid the case where you take one $100K account and he takes another, only to find that his was tax-free and yours will lose a big chunk to taxes later.
Elynne said: "I stood my ground. I stayed calm, reasonable and focused. I didn’t let his tirades and personal attacks fluster me. "
WTG! You have come a very long way in how you respond to your infuriating husband!
I credit a very good therapist for helping me to heal the painful spots that the stbx used to use to manipulate me. Early on in this process, a wise woman (northstarmom) recommended a good therapist. The one I’m with now, ironically because the STBX was pulling some weird manipulation- “if you don’t switch therapists, I’ll divorce you,” has been instrumental in my calm and in control state of mind. When I first went to her I was in complete distress. I spent 80 to 90% of my waking hours thinking about my marriage, worrying about the stbx and his reactions to everything. I was walking around in a constant state of worry/fear/anxiety.
Once the papers are actually on their way to the court I can speak a little more freely - but for now I’d just like to say that life is good. I’ve had a very long period where I’ve been like a field laying fallow. This difficult phase of working towards a reasonable settlement with a narcissist is like the hard work of plowing the field, tilling the soil. I’m almost ready to plant.
misssunnybunny: You're welcome! So glad to hear you had a great day
Jan 19, 2019 16:34:01 GMT -5
worksforme2: anyone hear anything lately from mrslowmaintenance or smartkat?
Jan 24, 2019 18:06:02 GMT -5
petrushka: Just saw the forecast for Mildura at 47C -- I hope you and Ms. Enna are going to be ok Baz. That's getting dangerous.
Jan 24, 2019 20:10:00 GMT -5
lifeinwoodinville: I last heard from mrslowmaintenance about a month ago. I have been in regular contact with her for the last year and a half. I feel comfortable in saying that her situation remains unchanged. If you want to know more PM me.
Jan 25, 2019 22:36:50 GMT -5
worksforme2: Hey baza,...I know it's hot and dry down under. N.C. is having record rainfall. I would gladly trade some rain for some sunshine....
Feb 22, 2019 20:28:35 GMT -5
tamara68: Today it's steak and blowjob day! I suppose the steak is for those who don't get a blowjob.
Mar 14, 2019 16:49:49 GMT -5
petrushka: tamara68 Laughing with tears in my eyes. And my steak is going to be semolina gruel, due to some tummy upset :-\
Mar 15, 2019 1:11:10 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: So sad to hear the news from New Zealand. Boston Strong supports Kiwi Strong!!
Mar 15, 2019 7:46:22 GMT -5
petrushka: I was gobsmacked when I heard. This is just not us. In all of 2017 we had 37 murders in the country ..... I think the echo chambers of "social media" have a lot to answer for.
Mar 15, 2019 18:45:45 GMT -5
baza: Feeling for our Brothers and Sisters across the ditch Brother petrushka .
Mar 15, 2019 19:27:50 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: petrushka, I thought I read the headline wrong (this stuff happens here, not in NZ). It is frightening the hate that is being spread; it makes my heart hurt.
Mar 15, 2019 20:46:54 GMT -5
saarinista: All of us, IMHO, should try to be civil and kind as much as possible in person and online. I actively Tweet (civilly) on political matters and am horrified by the rancor & trolling on both sides of the spectrum, which only inflames unstable people.
Mar 19, 2019 23:21:20 GMT -5
saarinista: is anyone else watching March Madness?
Mar 24, 2019 11:44:48 GMT -5
worksforme2: doesn't much look like it...
Mar 27, 2019 12:20:10 GMT -5
saarinista: Well, my team is going to the Final Four! I am beyond thrilled. Basketball is life.
Apr 1, 2019 0:47:14 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Congrats! Yay! I don't know how many people see the shout box, I don't think it shows up not he mobile version of the site. Maybe post something in the Off Topic section and more folks may see it?
Apr 1, 2019 15:38:34 GMT -5
wewbwb: Or, maybe baseball season started . . .
Apr 2, 2019 5:27:34 GMT -5
flashjohn: saarinista, my alma mater, Texas Tech, is also in the final four.
Apr 3, 2019 14:59:01 GMT -5
saarinista: : flashjohn Ruh, roh. Then we have to be mortal enemies for the weekend because I went to MSU!
Apr 4, 2019 16:09:20 GMT -5