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Post by hopingforachange on Feb 13, 2019 16:00:46 GMT -5
Nope. In fact, hell no. But he pressed really hard for mediation, probably because he believes he can manipulate and bully me. I’ll make my points on Thursday- which will simply be proposing an “equitable division of assets”. If negotiations break down (which I expect because he wants to keep everything except for our 11 year old car and a painting) I have a really smart lawyer. She’s tough, kind, and she’s got my back. She was a recommendation from a friend who is also a lawyer and worked with her. In ballofconfusion's case, they started in mediation. You know, to be reasonable. That was 2 years ago and thousands in attorney fees later. And no closer to being done than the beginning. He refuses to produce any statements. I've got an MBA and have done a thorough look through what we do have and firmly believe he is hiding at least 200k while they have a total debt of 300k. In order not to have to "start over" we have stuck with the same attorneys as the beginning. The ones used for mediation. They are still looking to be fair and compromise. And want tens of thousands of dollars. They have the power to compel discovery but just want to get along. We have finally gotten to the point where we are ready to ditch these two nice ladies and find an attorney with a penis just so we can end this in a way that she can dig out in time. Your husband has demonstrated he is a dick. Scorched earth. Mediation is a waste of time. Get an attorney with a penis and an aggressive streak. Anything else will likely drag this out and leave you battered and bruised wondering what the hell happened. At least his current behavior reinforces your decision to leave. Good luck! A penis isn't necessary, leather corset, knee high boots, whip and a strap on will be even more effective.
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Post by elynne on Feb 13, 2019 16:18:27 GMT -5
In ballofconfusion's case, they started in mediation. You know, to be reasonable. That was 2 years ago and thousands in attorney fees later. And no closer to being done than the beginning. He refuses to produce any statements. I've got an MBA and have done a thorough look through what we do have and firmly believe he is hiding at least 200k while they have a total debt of 300k. In order not to have to "start over" we have stuck with the same attorneys as the beginning. The ones used for mediation. They are still looking to be fair and compromise. And want tens of thousands of dollars. They have the power to compel discovery but just want to get along. We have finally gotten to the point where we are ready to ditch these two nice ladies and find an attorney with a penis just so we can end this in a way that she can dig out in time. Your husband has demonstrated he is a dick. Scorched earth. Mediation is a waste of time. Get an attorney with a penis and an aggressive streak. Anything else will likely drag this out and leave you battered and bruised wondering what the hell happened. At least his current behavior reinforces your decision to leave. Good luck! A penis isn't necessary, leather corset, knee high boots, whip and a strap on will be even more effective. Or unassuming and wicked smart. That’s my favorite combo.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2019 18:00:52 GMT -5
A good attorney really is worth the cost. Years ago I had a little legal dispute with a neighbor and got a local pit bill as an attorney. Problem solved.
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Post by elynne on Feb 14, 2019 19:17:28 GMT -5
A really long day. Out the door at 8:10, and just getting back home at 12:30 at night.
Mediation went ok. Stbx got chastised for trying to keep information from me. He was told in no uncertain terms that I have the right to ask for advice and to show all financial information to an advisor. He was told to give me log in information to the accountant. He balked. He was told again.
He’s also balking at my ‘behoefte overzicht’ - my estimate of my budget. Both the finance guy and the mediator explained two times to him (a total of 4 times!) that my budget was completely within the norms, that it fell below 60% of our current monthly expenditures which is the other method of calculating it. He still wanted to go through it line by line to reduce it.
The alimony calculations have been corrected (big win for me) it goes from 1300 a month to 4500 a month.
Stbx pulled a major dick move - “how am I supposed to negotiate with her when she’s so secretive.” Mediator asked what he was referring to. “She has two telephones.” Then to me “Are you still seeing HIM?” I replied calmly, “I haven’t spoken to him in over a year. That has no place in this discussion. I have a second telephone because I suspect you have spyware installed on my telephone. If I’m mistaken, then a second telephone does no harm.”
The financial guy brought up the possibility of stbx buying me out of alimony with a lump sum. Stbx mentioned that perhaps a friend would be able to finance that for him. I asked who. He replied, “you don’t need to know.” I couldn’t help myself. I laughed and asked if he weren’t the one with a secret boyfriend! (The one slip where I didn’t stay purely professional).
All in all we got through it. I stated that when I proposed 8 years alimony it was in good faith to meet in the middle. When he replied that he didn’t want to pay more than 5 years that showed me that he wasn’t amenable to negotiating. So I retracted that proposal and return to my legal right for 12 years. He immediately proposed 8 years. I said I’ll need to look at the figures. I would consider him paying me a higher alimony payment than calculations return for a period shorter than 12 years.
He needs to buy me out of his practice, but doesn’t have the funds to do it. I proposed that our property has 2 deeds. One for the house and guesthouse and one for the meadow worth approximately 30k. If he’s having trouble coming up with funds to pay me, he could give me the meadow.
His reply, “I’m not giving you the meadow. I don’t want you for a neighbor.”
“The property can’t be built on.”
“I don’t care. I’m not giving you the meadow. I’ll sell it and give you the 30k if I have to.”
“The meadow is our joint property. You can’t sell it without discussing it with me. I’m putting an alternative solution on the table that gives us more options. And if I’d like the meadow that should be taken into account before we consider selling it.”
At one point he turned to the finance guy and said - I don’t think I should have to pay for her extravagant lifestyle for years on end!
I think they now have a glimpse into what a cluster fuck the marriage is. Waiting for the report and revised calculations. Stbx still needs to provide info for the value of the practice to be assessed.
I’m willing to try one more mediation session to see if we can come to a reasonable settlement. And if we don’t get anywhere I’ll ask my lawyer to send him a letter telling him we’re going to court. At this rate we’re spending €400 an hour in a farce of negotiations with a man incapable of sharing. Seems like a waste of time and money.
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Post by elynne on Feb 14, 2019 19:38:00 GMT -5
Oh! I also said that I wasn’t at all in agreement that he keeps everything in the house and gives me one painting and the car (worth 5k).
He backed off immediately. “That was only a proposal.”
And the painting- I got him to accept my valuation of 9k.
Small victories- but the focus is on wrapping this up and getting the fuck out! And making sure I have money to buy food while he’s on a skiing vacation with the girls in Switzerland.
Eating next week is the next hurdle. I should have brought that up in mediation.
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Post by baza on Feb 14, 2019 19:43:20 GMT -5
Remind me never to play cards with you Sister elynne !!!
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Post by elynne on Feb 14, 2019 19:44:52 GMT -5
Remind me never to play cards with you Sister elynne !!! I needed that laugh! Thank you!
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Post by workingonit on Feb 14, 2019 19:53:24 GMT -5
Wahoo! You go girl!
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Post by elynne on Feb 14, 2019 19:53:57 GMT -5
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 14, 2019 20:30:28 GMT -5
A big part of me wants to read the words " I told him, we are finished here. Talk to my attorney and I will see you in court! And you will be paying my attorney fees!"
( never deal with emotional terrorists)
Let us know how your daughters are handling all of this. And how things will go regarding custody?
Here's to new beginnings!!
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Post by nyartgal on Feb 14, 2019 21:35:37 GMT -5
I’m sooooooooooooo proud of you, Elynne!!!! You deserve so much better than this raging asshole.
I’m confused about where all the money went if he was bringing home over $300k per year. It feels like he must have hid some or spent it. Unless there are some other big assets in play or you really have been living high on the hog. Definitely check those tax returns!!
Great work 💪
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Post by elynne on Feb 15, 2019 4:05:44 GMT -5
I’m sooooooooooooo proud of you, Elynne!!!! You deserve so much better than this raging asshole. I’m confused about where all the money went if he was bringing home over $300k per year. It feels like he must have hid some or spent it. Unless there are some other big assets in play or you really have been living high on the hog. Definitely check those tax returns!! Great work 💪 Since he bought into the practice 6 years ago we’ve paid off a debt of 100,000 on the sale of our old house and at the end of this year we’ll have paid off a debt of 280,000 for buying the practice and a building loan of 40,000 to turn the goat barn into a guest house. Our mortgage is 3k a month. He pays 2500 into pension... I don’t think there is much hidden. But there is value in the his individual practice that I am 1/2 owner of. The question is how do I get my equity out and protect my interests without sabotaging the practice and stbx’s ability to continue to earn. He has been asked to find out how much of his equity in his medical practice (8 other co-owners) he can borrow or withdraw and pay back over time.
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Post by hopingforachange on Feb 15, 2019 7:11:29 GMT -5
I’m sooooooooooooo proud of you, Elynne!!!! You deserve so much better than this raging asshole. I’m confused about where all the money went if he was bringing home over $300k per year. It feels like he must have hid some or spent it. Unless there are some other big assets in play or you really have been living high on the hog. Definitely check those tax returns!! Great work 💪 Since he bought into the practice 6 years ago we’ve paid off a debt of 100,000 on the sale of our old house and at the end of this year we’ll have paid off a debt of 280,000 for buying the practice and a building loan of 40,000 to turn the goat barn into a guest house. Our mortgage is 3k a month. He pays 2500 into pension... I don’t think there is much hidden. But there is value in the his individual practice that I am 1/2 owner of. The question is how do I get my equity out and protect my interests without sabotaging the practice and stbx’s ability to continue to earn. He has been asked to find out how much of his equity in his medical practice (8 other co-owners) he can borrow or withdraw and pay back over time. Sounds like he will need to sell the house to buy you out of the practice and to give you your 1/2 of the house value. The other option is too pay you monthly over the next 12 years, with interest of course. 😉
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Post by elynne on Feb 16, 2019 12:29:18 GMT -5
Today the girls (9 and 11) left at 6am with the stbx to go skiing in Switzerland. The first of many vacations apart. It was a tough day. I was pretty weepy. Little things would set me off and I’d have a little cry.
But I’m feeling steady now. Calm. And still absolutely convinced that divorce is the right move.
I think this past week was the deep point. There will be ups and downs over the coming months, but I’m already looking forward to rebuilding my life. It feels like a fresh start.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 16, 2019 12:43:20 GMT -5
Today the girls (9 and 11) left at 6am with the stbx to go skiing in Switzerland. The first of many vacations apart. It was a tough day. I was pretty weepy. Little things would set me off and I’d have a little cry. But I’m feeling steady now. Calm. And still absolutely convinced that divorce is the right move. I think this past week was the deep point. There will be ups and downs over the coming months, but I’m already looking forward to rebuilding my life. It feels like a fresh start. Good for you friend! There will also be plenty of trips for just you and your daughters in the future! ( a fresh start) Trips that will not include their dad. Trips where they can see the stark difference in how both parents treat them, respect them, love them ,and the example you give them . An example that will show them what a healthy relationship ought to be! Then there will be some of the simplest moments together at home with your daughters, how you react to their requests for friends, clothes, money, food, keeping their room clean etc... Lot's of rebuilding... for all of you! Your STBX? No longer your problem, no longer your concern. Parallel parenting ,and as much detachment ,and distance as possible! You will be a light in a dark place. ( you always where, only now you get to shine! much brighter than before!)
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